- unhappy laugh. <That would have gone very smoothly. 

I think the question of whether Andalites want Yeerks eradicated is - complicated along a dimension that might not make sense to outsiders? We hate them. We are terrified of them. We are, every one of us, missing so so many people who died fighting them. I do not think there are many Andalites who would grieve, now, if they learned that somehow all the Yeerks stopped existing. War does that. But - we'd grieve in twenty years, we know that, we have enough history to know how things always look in retrospect, and - I think people will start trying to think how to do the right thing as soon as they believe they've won, as soon as it's a real question and not a hypothetical - I don't know. Mhalir did not get that impression out of nowhere. I am confident in my ability to - not just get something better but get everyone thinking that obviously something better is true to who we really are as people. But - but probably if there were a Yeerk eradication button most people would press it. I haven't thought about that much because, well, there isn't, and also we were losing...>

Leareth bows his head. :No, I understand perfectly. That is not a fact about Andalites at all, it is a fact about war, and loss, and - generations of cultural trauma. I think it would have been difficulty for me to understand two thousand years ago, because - there is almost nothing that could get me to want to press such a button. I have not won until and unless I have won for every sentient creature, you know? But - I do understand it. Nobody is easy to work with when they feel threatened, that is not just me, and Andalites have spent centuries terrified of Yeerks enslaving the galaxy forever, which would be very bad and - is a reasonable thing to destroy planets to prevent. I fully believe that as soon as your people feel more secure, you will do better: 

He nods. <I am - so grateful we found Velgarth. I do not see how we could have found a way out of this without that.>

:I know. So am I:

Unfortunately now Leareth is thinking about the hypothetical where they didn't find Velgarth and right now everyone on Earth is DEAD, which, because his brain is being obnoxious, is making his heart rate spike again. He tries to lean into the calming-loop Melody did for him. It's a very well done one, she's quite good. He would have preferred not to impose on her, it must be incredibly jarring and dissonance-inducing for her to see him after seeing Alloran, but - well, there's one of her, and she was so professional about it. 

<You should get some rest> Matirin says. <We can discuss this more in the morning before he arrives, maybe?>

:That is a good idea. Thank you: Leareth takes a deep breath. :...If you think it would be all right, I want to go back to Velgarth for the afternoon. I think it will be more restful there than on this very crowded ship. If you expect I may be suddenly needed then I will stay, though: 

<No, I think that sounds very reasonable.>

Then Leareth will ask for a Gate back to Velgarth, not to the camp where the ship used to be staged, but north of the mountains, to his underground library, with plans to sleep there and return early the next morning to meet with Matirin. 

Matirin paces for a while and checks in with Cayaldwin again and eventually goes to sleep in the Andalite herd.

Back in Haven, this time the foals are not dissuaded from their plan of staging a SLEEPOVER with Alloran in the big loosebox stall. They're so happy. (There are more of them, a fourth has showed up.) They want snuggles and stories. 

Alloran is very tired but he is glad they are there and will try to come up with some stories. He falls asleep in the middle of them.

Leareth spends a lot of time that afternoon and evening updating his notes; the last few days are the kind of eventful where he wants a record of it, later. And it's useful for processing. He does a lot of processing. 

He sleeps better that night, and when he Gates back first thing in the morning, he's feeling a lot steadier. Not normal, his insides still feel raw and bruised and jagged, but he doesn't feel brittle anymore. 

He looks for Matirin. 

Watching some different screens of human news and pacing, again. He doesn't usually do this much pacing but things have been very terrible. 

<Good morning.>

:Good morning: Leareth looks less visibly tired, today, and more - grounded, stable, like he's metaphorically looking at everything from a position of standing on firm ground. :Any important updates?: 

<No. Do you have any more thoughts about the meeting with Mhalir?>

:I am not sure. I - spent most of last night feeling very angry with him, which I think is not a good stance to be holding for this conversation, so hopefully I have finished processing it and it will not get in the way now. In any case I do not intend to let him read my mind, this time, so it is all right if I feel angry as long as I do not show him: 

<He seems to think of himself as making - the same mistakes as you made in your world before the Cataclysm? Do they seem different to you?>

:I think they are mistakes that - came from the same underlying decision-algorithm? But because of his information-state and the resources he had, he made far larger mistakes and caused vaster harm. It is very upsetting to think that if my own past had been different, I...might have done the same: 

<I think under the wrong circumstances most people who don't default to doing nothing at all can do a lot of harm? I was planning to kill five billion people, for instance.>

 Nod. :And I default to taking actions more than most people. It is - a dangerous way to be if one is insufficiently careful:

<For what it's worth I'm not sure he's worse than the replacement Yeerk, I don't really think anything would be better if he'd tried not doing things. It would've been good if he'd tried negotiating but I don't - know that it would've worked - he'd have needed to hit the right person, and the political situation at home is very complicated right now.>

:I am a little worried about that: Leareth admits. :Whether your high command will be - less possible to work with on this:

<Oh, it's going to be a nightmare. I think I can do it, I have a lot to work with, but it's going to be such a mess. Another part of the reason I want to talk to Mhalir in person is that I don't want records of most of what I'm going to be doing for the next couple of months.>

:That makes sense:

<I can explain more at some point but I think later.> He glances back at the screens. <In a month, maybe.>