"I thought I never wanted to marry anyone before I realized how I felt about her. Most of the marriages I've seen were...not harmonious. And I really, really didn't want that."

"Very understandable, A-Ying. Marriage is a serious commitment. Many who take it lightly make themselves or others unhappy."

Meng Yao always planned to get married. He spent his childhood with absolutely no model of what a marriage would be like, but he knew that marriages were important for the ruling elite. At the time, Meng Yao still expected to be welcomed into that ruling elite.

When he was older and no longer a fool, Meng Yao knew that marriages could be tools for power. He planned and still plans to eventually secure one. Affection has never been an important factor in that calculation, but commitment certainly.

"Yeah. I always felt kind of sorry for Shijie about that--nobody even asked her how she felt about having her marriage arranged for her, it was just 'cause her mom was friends with someone. It was so pointless! Like, if I'd had to get married to someone I didn't even like, because it would be good for Lotus Pier, that'd be one thing, but just on someone else's whim seems like such an awful reason. Um. Don't tell Madam Yu I said that." 

Smile. "Please do not worry. I keep all of our personal conversations in confidence. Was Jiang-guniang relieved when the betrothal was disbanded?"

"Not really. She actually likes him for some reason. I can't imagine why." 

"I have not often heard others speak ill of him, excepting you."

"Well, A-Cheng doesn't like him either. And he's--I mean, he's not as bad as your dad, for sure, he's not actively obnoxious mostly? He just, uh, has no particular traits that I can tell other than looking constipated most of the time and being frustrated by an arranged marriage and being mean about it and kind of full of himself. And from the outside that doesn't look all that different from, like, the way Lan Zhan is, which is that her emoting is kind of subtle and she doesn't say five words when one will do. Plus, you know, rich and powerful. Most people wouldn't have the balls to call him a stupid peacock who's way less cool than you are to his face even if they noticed that it was true." 

"I appreciate that you view me so favorably." ...is this an appropriate juncture for a Squeeze. 

Yes it is! 

"Well, you accomplish stuff. I know better than to take Nie-xiong's whining on the matter completely seriously but even with an appropriate amount of skepticism it's pretty clear from what he says that impressing his brother is, well, impressive. Not to mention what I saw you do with my own eyes in Gusu. And how you reacted when you found out--well--it means a lot." 

"Thank you, A-Ying." There wouldn't have been any other decent way to react.

And yet! 

"Hey, so, feel free to tell me to fuck off, but--how did she die?" 

"She was very sick. For years. The doctor we could afford was unable to identify what was wrong with her."

"Gods. I'm sorry." 

"She might still be alive if your dad weren't an asshole. Every time I learn something new about your childhood I want to kick him in the balls more."

"She believed that he would come back for her. Until the end, she believed that."

Squeeze. 

"He should've. He's a horrible asshole and you both deserved so much better." 

He smiles. "I am sure that Sect Leader Jin had many demands occupying his attention."

"No, I'm pretty sure he's just an asshole. Is that your revenge face? Can I help?"

What no he doesn't have a revenge face. Why would you think that.

"For years I have hoped that he would reveal a more caring side of himself if I first better revealed to him my worth." 

"...Well, uh, in my experience with Madam Yu it kind of works the opposite of that way, the more you outshine the favored child the more you get yelled at, but, on the other hand, you are unusually awesome and maybe he might notice if forced to spend time with you? I still think you're way too good for him but, like, if you want him anyway you're entitled to him and I'll do my part to help. Oh also in retrospect Madam Yu is like. Way yellier than Jin Guangshan, like, that time I punched the Peacock to defend Shijie's honor he was relatively chill when he and Uncle Jiang both showed up at the Cloud Recesses to talk about it? It wasn't even his idea to break the engagement or anything." 

"Do you dislike Madam Yu?"

"Not really? But she dislikes me. Uh, Uncle Jiang took me in without asking if she was okay with it and he may or may not have used to be in love with my mom but there are, like, any rumors that I'm secretly Uncle Jiang's bastard. Which I'm not, I'm confident of this, but, like, still. It's not about me, it's about their marriage being one of the main reasons I was planning to never marry."

Those rumors are news to Meng Yao, but he doesn't react. "How has she been handling your engagement?"

"Well, uh, at first she thought I did something dumb and was lying about it, but then she found out Lan Zhan's the one who's pregnant, and now she's just sorta confused and hoping we go live in Gusu and I stop being her problem. She was more annoyed about the swearing sisterhood thing but that was annoyance in her role as Madam Jin's best friend, not as the late Sect Leader Jiang's wife and current Sect Leader Jiang's mother."