"That makes sense." He looks pained, again. 

(We were not fast enough, he thinks; nearly a century too slow.) 

"I think Asmodeus' belief about human nature is false, as an empirical observation," he says slowly. "I find that, when people do uninteresting things with their lives, it is generally for lack of freedom and options and resources to pursue them, not for a surfeit of those. But - even if Asmodeus were correct about that, that would - it would still matter that their lives be pleasant, that they have nice things, and belong and be loved - though in Velgarth I could often give people so little, and - sometimes only in exchange for taking away other options and freedoms..." There's an ache in his chest. 

"Sorry, I was trying to explain my conversation with Iomedae. She said that - well, there is what I do, which is setting a goal, of a world I think is better than the current one, and fighting ruthlessly for it, trying to win. And I care about things being good but the process I used in Velgarth was not Good. Iomedae says that Good is - being a shape where people want to cooperate with you, and follow you, and where it makes them stronger and makes the world better when they try, even if they are not perfect at it. - Actually, you should talk to Vanyel. Iomedae said repeatedly that for me, reaching for Good would mean - shaping myself to be someone Vanyel could work with better. He is an excellent example of someone who is Good, and I do not think he considers it about being an instrument of anyone's will." 

"Is he here in Egorian?"

"Yes. He spends most of his time making diamonds, sometimes takes breaks to pave roads. I think he is enjoying it much better than the wars he fought in before. He would probably be delighted to have dinner with you."

Nod. "I can do that.

The thing - you're describing - sounds much much harder than just figuring out what the forces of Good need you to do and then doing your best to do it."

"It is very, very hard. I wish the world were less complicated and contained fewer tradeoffs - that there were a clear right answer every time..." He shakes his head. "I have never, ever wished I could instead figure out what the forces of Good required of me and do that. I think I am fundamentally not that shape of person. Vanyel, I suspect, would understand that desire better." 

"Well, if you're figuring out what powerful people want of you and trying to do it you - have more of a lever? If you try to do things on your own you just get crushed. So you just want to figure out who you'd rather lend your - you. Or you won't get anything done."

"That sounds horrible. I would hate it. ...Probably I would scheme to overthrow one of the powerful people so that I could just have the lever instead of deciding which powerful-person lever to lend myself to." 

- giggle. "I mean, that's kind of what I went to research? Not really whether to overthrow Iomedae, because I don't see how I could, but - whether I wanted her to have the lever - wanted you to, on her recommendation -"

"That makes sense. Although, if you did for some reason want to overthrow Iomedae - I do not actually think She needs to be overthrown, I like her and she would not mind if I wished to become her equal as a god, but anyway - the Starstone just exists in your world. All you would need to do is spend a century becoming as powerful as Aroden, and then go for it. It is rather convenient." 

"Ninety nine percent of people who go for the Starstone die. Including some who were as powerful as Aroden."

"Fair enough. He seems quite confident it will not be any trouble, but I suppose he designed the defences around it that kill people, so he is kind of cheating." He shrugs slightly. "I do not actually feel inclined to ever do it. One of Aroden and I being a god seems like plenty, it would be redundant to have both of us in the pantheon, and - changing that much is a little too close to ceasing to exist as the person I am now, you know? I am quite invested in existing." 

Nod. 

"I haven't thought about whether I'd want to be a god. I'm - new at wanting things and it's not obviously serving me very well so far so, you know, maybe in a year I'll want to be a god."

"I suppose we will see."

- Leareth is noticing that he's more relaxed than at the start, not truly relaxed the way he is in Khemet's arms, but - to the same extent he was talking to Vanyel, when they were having some genuinely interesting back and forth. And as a result he hasn't been putting any attention toward not being scary. Carissa doesn't seem scared, though, so hopefully she's been fine with it. 

She doesn't seem scared. "I think to the extent I have noticed wanting anything -

- I want to learn lots of magic from Aroden. Maybe help with some of the magic system interaction stuff, I don't know. I want to figure out how to help people - expect things to be better than I think they're expecting right now. 

I want you to want me. I want - this is kind of stupid but I don't want to have to do another several months of terrifyingly clever hard things to get there. I'm sure I'll be clever occasionally when problems come up but I don't want to have to solve you, if there's another way.

I want to stop having to think about money when I want to pick up spells or things to wear for a trip to Absalom, and so I can get an apartment where you can't hear every baby in the building crying unless you sleep, or alternatively I want to hit fifth circle and then I can do sound insulation overnight at least. I'm not going to be that close, though, since I'm new at fourth."

"That makes sense. I also noticed you seemed excited about learning magic from Aroden and it was delightful, I want you to have a chance to do that, and for us to work together on inventing new magic. It is important but it also brings me joy. We very much need your help on the second thing, I think that is a large part of what Parmida hoped you could help me with, since I lack so much context here." 

He looks down. "I want to want you. Some context here is - I have not had romantic relationships at all in at least the last millennium, because of the part where it was not adaptive for my goals to care too deeply or rely too heavily on other people. In the course of an ordinary day I do not go around wanting anyone in that way. I seem to be capable of it - I think I develop it naturally if I have enough trust with someone - but it does seem to require that, and maybe just time to become close with someone. It took Aroden seven years. I think I will not need that long; he was very traumatized and had until recently been a god, so was very unused to all human things. But I am not sure I can force it to happen faster. It is apparently bad for people to pretend at wanting someone, and - I suspect that is not at all what you want, anyway." 

"That sounds - not the thing I want, yeah. I wouldn't say it's always terrible for people but in this case it seems pretty pointless."

Nod. "Well, I think I will get there anyway, at this point, because - Iomedae would not have sent you if you were not a shape of person I could trust. And if it requires cleverness and hard work to get there faster, I will do that part myself. I, just - I wished you to know it is not about you at all, or - not finding you attractive - I think you are very pretty, actually, I noticed it when I met you and I rarely notice that about people." 

"Needing to trust people makes sense, I'd just never heard of it because, well, I have never trusted anyone in my life and I don't know that I know anyone who has. But - your situation isn't really anything like ours aside from one similar word being usable."

At some point he has to stop saying 'I wish we had taken back Cheliax sooner' because it's going to get very repetitive, but he's thinking it. 

She squeezes his hand. "I didn't mean to upset you? I can try to work on trusting you if you want that."

"No, that is not - I mean, I do hope you will trust me, but I want it to be - earned, calibrated, not something you shoved your mind into to make me happy. Most people do not trust me, it does not bother me. Iomedae would say that is a downside of not being Good."

He squeezes her hand in return. "I - am very angry with Asmodeus, is all. I wish I could make Hell stop existing, but I think even Aroden and I combined will not have the resources for an operation on that scale for a very very long time." 

Nod. "I trust specific things about you? Iomedae said you worried that I'd - not be sure if I could leave - but I am not at all worried about that because you're not stupid and it's a terrible idea to try to keep a wife who is a wizard and doesn't want to be there. I trust that you and Aroden are working together and I don't have to figure out which of you it's more important to stay on the right side of. I trust that if I get assassinated in some fashion that's related to having gotten involved in your life you'll try to raise me."

Nod. "That all seems correct. And - hmm, you know I read as Lawful, and that Abadar chose me as a cleric, which is some information, if only that I will predictably act reasonably to further my interests and want a world with more rather than fewer opportunities for trades." 

Nod. "Before we, uh, properly met, I had you figured for - mostly not dangerous to people who couldn't hurt you. If I spilled tea on you I wasn't going to die about it."

"In practice I think I am mostly not that dangerous even to people who can hurt me. Because if I am careful and paranoid enough on my end, I do not necessarily need to do anything to them. - I suppose I mind-controlled a number of people in Velgarth, when I had concerns on that front, but apparently that is not even considered Evil here." 

He looks down at his hands. "Starwind and Moondance - the Tayledras Adepts who murdered me and destroyed my immortality - are alive; Khemet killed them but we raised them, after, and - broke their pact with their Goddess, it turned out they had done it under some amount of coercion. After the operation against Her in Velgarth, we would have let them go home if they had wished, but they did not, so they are in one of the monasteries that were recently opened in Cheliax, where criminals can work hard and seek redemption. I did not wish them dead, and certainly not in one of the Evil afterlives here; they were only doing what made sense from their perspective."