"All right! Thank you very much."

He tells her what day he's tentatively planning for his date with Carissa, three days from now so she has time to prepare and is less likely to have already scheduled something. "We will visit the shop and then come find you in the Dome if she wants to speak to you as well, I think it would be after your finish for the day rather than on lunch break. I think she will like you." 

"I'll look forward to it!"

Leareth checks on his Gate team and makes sure they have everything they need for the next week of work, then heads back to Egorian. Before drafting his date-invitation letter to Carissa, he swings by to check with Parmida and Zahra that his ring shopping proposal seems reasonable.

"Also I suppose I need to set a budget for her. The Ring of Delayed Doom is almost fifty thousand gold," it's sort of ridiculous but still a small fraction of the total fee he gets for his contracted permanent Gates, "I assume this should be less but how much less would still be generous? Ten thousand gold?" 

Parmida thinks that seems reasonable, and probably she'll like checking the designs out herself.

Leareth thanks her, and drafts his letter to Carissa, nicely handwritten on high-quality paper for the final version. (He discards half a dozen practice drafts first.) He says he would like to take her to Absalom for the day; he'll come to pick her up in the morning, if that suits her, and can Gate them over.

Do Parmida and Zahra think he should give her suggestions on what to wear or whether she needs to bring anything with her? He would probably appreciate clear guidance but maybe she just knows from cultural background context. 

If he explains what the plan is then she'll probably be able to infer from that what to wear for it; if he wants to avoid that he should at least hint at, for example, whether the plans involve a lot of walking and whether they involve a fancy restaurant.

How much walking is involved getting between the various locations on his itinerary? If it's a long way, he can also Gate her around if he goes in advance so he has locations; he needs someone to drop him off there for a quick visit anyway so he can Gate her there from Egorian. 

Some of them are reasonably far! Having gone in advance so he can Gate her around seems sensible.

Leareth finishes the letter, hinting that their date will involve a fancy restaurant and some but not too much walking, puts it in an attractive envelope, and has it sent to Carissa's apartment. 

Carissa drops off two enhanced daggers at the magic shop she's selling to and then heads back home. A couple of drunk men catcall her, not quite aggressive enough that she's tempted to call a ball of lightning to her fingertips so they back off. 

It seems like Egorian's more chaotic than Corentyn but that's probably wrong, it's probably just that she knew who to talk to and where to go and which alleys to avoid at night, back home. And also that she's no longer wearing a headband, the obvious indicator that she's a wizard and not one who only ever learned Prestidigitation. 

She opens her door, goes into her apartment. Misses the headband, now that she's thought of it, which is stupid, she'll be able to afford a better one before too long. 

- possibly the thing where she's refusing to ask Leareth for any money is in fact a thing that should be given thought, instead of pointedly not given thought.

Okay.

Some paladin orders take vows of poverty. Iomedae's don't, because this is stupid. Resources help you win; that's practically in the definition. It would be odd if paladin orders of Iomedae were really into expensive artwork, or luxurious houses, but obviously they are going to try to have lots of money, which they can spend on enhanced weapons and armor or have available for whatever needs may come up. There's nothing impressive or honorable about winning with a handicap, if you could instead not have a handicap.

She could go to the palace and say 'I want a +4 headband of vast intelligence for my research and some boots of Teleport for my safety' and they would probably give them to her and - wow, that's a lot of internal screaming. What's going on there. 

"Do you - like me, as a person? Separate from thinking that I have resources and power, or could give you a decent life," he'd asked, and it's a very reasonable question that should not have stung, but did - she had resources and power and a decent life, and she stripped them all off her walls and off her forehead and sold them so that she could figure out whether Cheliax was at risk of being destroyed - obviously Leareth has more resources and power than that, would probably not have considered that having resources and power at all - and it's not like it's false that 'it would be really cool to be the Queen of Cheliax' featured somewhere in her feelings about all of this, but -

- in her feelings rather than in her motivations, the same place whether she personally likes Leareth goes, the same place her sadness that he doesn't want her goes, it's fair for him to want to be sure of her motivations but it feels unfair, for it to also matter what all of her feelings are, for the world's claim on her to be bigger than just everything she'll do for the rest of her life but also how mopey she's allowed to privately feel about it.  

She tries to take a step back from that complaint, which feels very satisfying to dwell in but is probably not particularly accurate, dwelling usually doesn't get her to places that are. Leareth wants her to like him as a person. He's trying hard at it. She does like him as a person, not so much because of the trying hard at it but because he stole Cheliax from Hell and seems continually distressed that he didn't do it sooner and decided to find a wife by asking Iomedae for guidance. The things that remain aren't even ones he can fix by trying hard, really. ...and that's at least a small piece of why it feels bad to go to the palace and ask for eye-popping sums in magical items? It would be sort of suggesting that this was a way to get her to like him, and it's really not - or, well, if he refused for no reason she'd like him less and if he refused because he'd calculated the best thing to do with the money and it was something else she'd like him more but it's also rude to spring surprise tests of prioritization on people under the guise of wanting courtship presents - and she hates the idea of him thinking of her as someone who wants courtship presents, though probably he already does and it's her own fault for explaining that people like costly signals -

- everything is a thousand times better than it was two months ago, or four months ago, and it's bizarre that the better it gets the more she wants to cry. what's up with that -

- well, certainly part of it is that it's safe to cry and won't ruin her life. And part of it is that she spent a long time studiously not hoping for things and it being suddenly possible to hope for things comes with it being suddenly possible for there to be a lot of difference between things going really well and things going only moderately well. You need hope to feel terror, and all of that. The same realization she'd had when Aroden arrested her, the realization that the scary thing wasn't that she was going to be tortured to death but that there might be some way not to be.

It would of course be entirely fine if the thing she has is a close working relationship with the crown prince of Cheliax, who admires her distantly because once a long time ago she came close to inconveniencing him and most people can't do that. She is pretty sure she could do a good job under those conditions for her entire life and then - go to Heaven and learn a different kind of weapons enchanting, probably, design something really spectacular that Carissa-in-Hell, working longer hours with fewer dreams, wouldn't have thought to aspire to. It'd be fine. 

It - felt like - Iomedae was saying that she could have more than that. And that makes it scary to - lean too much into shaping herself for that perfectly reasonable thing, in case in so doing she closes the door to the thing where she has more than that. Which, it turns out, she really really wants.

She reads his note. She tries to think if she has any other acquaintances in the city who she could borrow a dress off. 

She should maybe. Talk to Leareth about any of this. 

Jisa said some people had Mindspeech at unusual range; she's vaguely curious if he'd hear her if she just thought in his general direction. Presumably not, that'd be far too distracting to parse? 

Instead she writes a return note that says she will look forward to it, but perhaps they could also talk before that, if he has time? She'll have to pay someone extra to take it at this hour, but she has the money from the daggers, now.

Huh. Leareth - does think it's a good idea to talk to her, probably, and is also suddenly anxious about what she has to say. 

The next morning Carissa finds a reply delivered to her apartment, suggesting she could come by the palace and join him for lunch today or tomorrow at her convenience, either would suit him fine. 

She can't think of an acquaintance to hit up so she just makes herself buy a dress. Doesn't have time to tailor it before lunch, but she has a figure that fits most dresses tolerably without tailoring. 

She heads over to the palace for lunch.

Leareth smiles broadly when he sees her, spontaneous and bright, it's a rare expression for him and somehow that fact about it is apparent in the smile itself. This time he holds out his arms to offer her a hug without asking out loud. 

- gosh, okay. Hug. 

She doesn't let go for a while.

Leareth is starting to get what Parmida was referring to, when she thought he was underhugged. He's far less underhugged than he used to be, even, he spent the night with Khemet just a couple of days ago, but it still feels like drinking in something soothing and comforting. 

He normally just eats lunch in the side room next to his magic Work Room, which has a table big enough for two people and is the level of nice that everything in the palace is without being outright fancy. It feels more correct for this than the formal dining room in his suite. Also then if she's curious about his work, he can show her. (He finds himself kind of hoping she'll be curious about his work and want to see it.)

Leareth escorts her there, asks her how her last few days have been, and requests that a servant have lunch brought over for them. 

"They've been all right. I have been working on normal-sized daggers on commission and finally finished a couple, which is good since it means I was able to afford a dress." She gestures at it. "Though mostly I need to save the money so I don't have to take out a loan with a very steep interest rate for materials for the next set." Deep breath. "That's, uh, one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. I have been very determined not to ask for money and normally that would be obviously a good idea since I think it'll be bad for me to ask for money, but right now I have nothing since I spent it all on materials for the - spying mission - and it's well into the range where it's causing me to waste a lot of time on problems that I could solve with not very much money - and I'm not sure if it actually matters if I'm any good at magic in the sense of there being any magic tasks that I am needed to do, or if it only mattered because you'd respect someone more if they were good at magic in which case it's probably pretty irrelevant what interest rate I'm getting material loans at, but - 

- figured we should talk about it."

"- Oh. That all makes sense." Leareth looks her in the eye. He - finds himself wanting to reach across the little table and take her hand, but he's not sure if she wants that, so he sort of lets his hand drift out in an inviting-ish way.

"I did not think of how significant a sacrifice that was, for you. Can I straightforwardly solve this by paying you as a security consultant for your earlier work, as I had mentioned before? Aroden agreed that was reasonable. Or would that still feel like - asking for money, in the way that is bad for you? You could give me further advice on what vulnerabilities you saw and could have exploited, if that would help it feel more earned, that outside perspective is in fact very valuable and hard for the people who work internally on our security protocols to provide." 

"Oh. That'd be - fine, I think. - thank you."

She takes his hand.

"Of course. You are welcome. On your other question - it does matter to me that you are good at magic, both because magic research is the part of my work I enjoy the most and thus often on my mind, so it feels important to me that you understand it and be able to help if you wish, and also - it would be very stressful for me having a wife who could not independently defend herself or escape from an attack, and in general handle threatening situations. And - there is a piece I have been thinking about a great deal, related to - how I can feel close to people. I think I will be better able to relax with you if I know you could help defend me were something bad to happen. ...I know that is not very likely to arise but my life has contained many instances of being murdered and so it is difficult for me to feel safe." 

"Huh. Okay. Might not make sense to advertise that I'm a particularly good wizard, then, it's much easier to protect onesself with capabilities people don't know you have. ...instead of a headband I could Wish on an intelligence enhancement and that'd be harder to notice than a headband but it's way more expensive depending on the details of Aroden's mysterious impossible amount of diamond access."

"Aroden's mysterious impossible diamond access is because Vanyel can make them - not the way conjuring works with your magic, he is just powerful enough to crush coal or black carbon into diamond, the way it is formed naturally. I am working on making a setup efficient enough that mages less absurdly powerful than he is can do it. Using Wish for this seems very reasonable, Aroden has done it before on himself so he will have the wording. He did four consecutive Wishes for it, to get two standard deviations of enhancement. He wears a headband for it too, that gives him another three standard deviations, so they stack, if you wanted you could have one for using in private when you are doing difficult magic." 

"Huh." She looks very very tempted and then tries to make herself look less that way.

Leareth kind of thinks that she should be tempted. He certainly was, though Aroden thinks it would be more valuable for him to Wish himself to higher wisdom rather than intelligence, it's more relevant to cleric casting and also plausibly to Velgarth magic, which is more about getting the right habits of thought into procedural memory than about raw cleverness. His headband already has him at the point where ability to wrap his head around a concept very rarely feels like his limiting factor anymore.

"Are there other things we should talk about?" he says quietly. "Practical matters, or - on the feelings-related side...?" It would be so convenient if she had Khemet's power to tell exactly what someone is feeling; she could help him figure it out. 

"Maybe. I don't know. I'm not used to talking about my feelings much. Or having them, it wasn't safe. And then this week I was having a lot of them, and - it's stressful to have them around you, right, because it seems like everything goes better if you admire me and - think of me as a child a little less - and having feelings or needing money aren't particularly admirable traits to display. And I do think I could stop. But I'm not sure that's - Iomedae said that she thought things could go better than all right and it'd mostly only be things going all right, if the thing I did was make sure not to have any feelings."

"...I do not think having feelings is particularly childish, or un-admirable? And - what you said reminds me a little of how I have felt, since coming to Golarion. For a long time it felt like certain feelings, at least, were not safe - it was not safe to care too much about people, or - want intimacy, the gods of Velgarth would only use it against me and kill my allies. I did not feel lonely at the time, but - it turns out that as soon as it is safe, I have all sorts of feelings I am not used to at all. I also think I could stop, if they were not adaptive feelings, but - why? I have discovered I can instead get hugs about them, which is much better, and - sorry, I am not really sure where I am going with this, just, I also want things to go better than all right, with you, and probably talking about feelings is an important piece of that."