Amshalan tenses up. Forces herself to relax. :...It's - really hard to - look at - that. Him. Like something - doesn't want me to: 

:At - Leareth?

Well, depending on how the dream works if we wind up having a stable sleepover with Vanyel you might encounter him tonight, so -:

Amshalan blinks. :I didn't really mean literally looking, but. What does he look like - ooh, is he handsome...?: She seems to have found some different angle of attack, one that involves a lot less hesitation and discomfort. 

:Um, I think so but if you want an objective assessment we might have to prevail upon Vanyel, I'm not objective about him at all:

Chuckle. :Suppose we'll have to ask. Anyway. I - hmm. I can - think - that he's...damn it, what's the phrase. In your league? I can - notice you're wonderful - obviously, I Chose you - and - want you to have the best only in men. And - can imagine - thinking your lifebonded wasn't good enough for you - that you deserved better - but I don't. I just - what's even after that, there's - a next step there...: 

:...that if I'm great and he's good enough for me he must be pretty great too? You were noticing earlier about - doing big things that require knowing where everything is -:

:Right: Amshalan seems about to start a sentence several times in a row but keeps getting stuck. :–I can see that in the abstract?: she confesses finally. :Just - at some point - probably he's going to do something specific. Which will be - perfectly in line with that - and also make my head explode. I - know it's stupid - I - what - how...: 

:I really don't want your head to explode but I am, uh, probably going to ever need you to cope with Leareth doing specific things in the future. Since he's permanently attached to me by the machinations of some god or other:

:............: followed by a number of frustrated swearwords. 

Pat pat?

:I love you: Amshalan says it like she's clinging to a life raft in a stormy river. 

:I love you too:

:I - why is this so goddamned hard - if it's pretty great in the abstract - then - it would be good in specifics too - that follows, right?: 

:Yes:

:...I am noticing that in fact it keeps feeling like I'm maybe going to repudiate you by accident but I - keep - deciding - not - because actually I love you. And this is very important. And it's worth it for stopping a war. But - ow, also this really hurts a lot actually. I'm getting kind of worried I might literally go insane here. ...Maybe if I do you'd at least still count as a Herald and could tell them to shut up and listen?: 

:I... don't actually know how far I can get with 'I had a Companion for ten minutes but then drove her insane with my hubris':

A spurt of mental laughter. :But - ow - but clearly we - OW - need it - your hubris I mean - since the status quo is - a lot of people running around like - goddamnit OUCH - like headless chickens. And - and that's - that's not - it shouldn't - we should, we have to...? Belrun, help, I think that sentence has a perfectly logical ending but for some stupid reason I can't: 

:The status quo is a lot of people running around like headless chickens and the Groveborn accidentally repudiating an innocent, excellent fourteen year old he Chose a year ago and the default outcome probably being the conquest of Valdemar because I don't think Leareth picks fights he can't win so the status quo is not working and we need to figure out something else:

When this doesn't get a response right away she - risks forging ahead a bit more. :Somebody took your soul, your you, and stuffed you into a Companion and that - sets you up to try to wrench me into position with weaponized love, holding yourself hostage to my ability to turn myself into a normal predictable Herald who does normal predictable Herald things, but I can't, I won't, the gods themselves can't possibly expect it. I don't know which ones are doing what bits of all the miracles flying around, but I know it doesn't and cannot cohere into a single vision of a flourishing future and to the extent any god is not working on a flourishing future it is in my way. The whole Companion system itself is - horrifying, and that isn't your fault, but it's got you, and I need you to get out if you can:

Amshalan goes very still, except for the fact that she is maybe very slightly vibrating, in a way that's concerningly reminiscent of of glass about to shatter under just the wrong loud noise. 

She stays that way for a long time. 

:Belrun: she sends finally, and her mindvoice sounds different. The tension is gone, there's just - confusion, emptiness, lost and tired and painfully lonely. :I - we have to personally fight the gods to do this, don't we: 

Belrun hugs her around the neck. :At least some of them:

Amshalan's flanks swell and fall back in a strangely humanlike sigh. :What an unreasonable world we live in. But I guess at least we're in it together: 

:Yeah. I'm sorry, that looked like it sucked:

:Well, you know, on the bright side at least now I'm allowed to think that this whole gods and Companions setup is utter bullshit: 

:Oh good!:

:I might spent the next couple of days mentally swearing at gods, though - hmm, you know, actually it might be smarter of me to avoid drawing any attention to myself. Also we should sleep probably, it's really late: