We talked about Lórien. You were worried he would try to fix your opinion that gods are terrible and should be overthrown. I thought it was unlikely he'd do that but not reassuringly unlikely. You wanted reassurance that if that happened we'd fix you, I said we would, you were - confused at the concept that people would care about you even though you've done a lot of bad things. I mentioned that Vanyel has journals of Urtho's. I fixed some of your hair, uneventfully.

Seems to match up. Leareth still feels kind of confused about that thing, but now that he's rested and not having emotions that make it hard to think, he suspects it's mostly just a feeling, that he isn't - confused about how it works in an understanding-the-world way.

He wants to eat breakfast and walk around a bit and then they can fix the rest of his hair. 

Sounds good.

Then they can do that. 

"...How is Vanyel?" he thinks to ask, several hours into the hair project. "The war must have been very hard for him. He - hates violence, hates killing people." 

" - I think he felt good about having confirmation he hadn't been wrong in his assessment of your character. And - he didn't have to do much killing people, right, we mostly stayed off the continent. His Gate range was one of our biggest advantages if -"

"...If what?" Maybe it's obvious but Leareth is kind of slow right now. 

"If you turned out to be working for Melkor."

Leareth clenches his eyes shut. It - still hurts - not because he feels like Maitimo is wronging him, by having had that concern – it was absolutely something he should have been tracking – but because Maitimo is right, because...it could have happened that way, right, the test has been run and he knows, now, that he's exploitable by an evil god if the circumstances line up right. It's luck that it didn't go much worse, that he didn't kill more people - didn't hurt or kill Vanyel or Maitimo with his own hands - it's not his own will that determined that. There used to be something there he could trust and there isn't, and maybe there never will be again, and how is he supposed to... 

Everyone's exploitable. - I understand you've been operating in a context where it was really really really important that you be an exception to that. But with enough magic and enough gods and enough ways bad things can happen, they'll happen, and you're not alone anymore, and we don't need you to be perfect, and we would be very silly to have made any plans that relied on your total immunity to all kinds of horrific manipulation and torture.

- also it's not that Leareth would kill them that he lost sleep over but maybe they should poke this wound some other day in ten years or something and not now. That's in a place where Leareth can read it but it's very very quiet. 

There are obviously much worse things he could have been manipulated into doing than killing two specific people, however important to the war effort - Leareth knows that - he could have given Melkor access to Velgarth, that would've been worse - but, probably he can leave it alone for another time, when he has more resources to actually make progress on figuring out his mistakes. Such as 'remembering any of it', that would help.

He's grateful that there were other people left to be cautious and paranoid and smart enough that it didn't matter that Melkor could trick him. He can imagine that if their positions had somehow been reversed, he wouldn't expect Vanyel or Maitimo or anyone really to be that perfect.

"Were there any casualties?" he asks. "In the - fight, at the end?" He remembers very clearly how much damage Urtho's last superweapon caused. 

Yes. The Maia who we asked to operate the weapon since it needed a magical power source, Olórin, couldn't figure out how to make it stop, at the end, when it was over. Might be - fixable, eventually, who knows. Vanyel was going to look into it. 

"I am sorry." Leareth would offer to help but taking actions isn't safe. Maybe Vanyel can ask him questions about magic, that arguably doesn't count as Leareth taking actions. Although it sounds very tiring right now, so, maybe later. Probably it won't get less fixable with more time passing. 

I appreciate it. It won't get any worse with time. Eventually we'll figure something out, I expect.

Probably. Vanyel is very good at things, especially magical research, and Maitimo seems to be particularly good at helping him and giving him what he needs to do his best work, and then there's Fëanáro who is very - himself - and there are other worlds and other people they haven't met yet and someday, surely, it'll be all right.

Leareth is quiet for the next while, sort of half having thoughts.

"...When do you think you would hear from the Valar about whether they object to my entering Valinor?" he asks an hour later. 

A couple of days at the soonest. The Valar are very slow-moving about most things.

"I remember that much." Leareth is both terrified of the prospect and also kind of impatient, but it's probably better that he stay here a while longer anyway, maybe he'll be less tired in a few days. "When we do hear, I want to go." 

Sounds good.

Leareth is quiet for the rest of the hair-fixing. 

He feels badly for bringing it up. 

He sings.

When his hair is done, Leareth runs his hands through it. "I suppose I ought to see if I remember how to do the braids from before. There is a lot more hair now." It was hard to tell the length when it was solidly matted to itself, but it's past his shoulders. 

"I would expect that the same braid could work."

It does. It takes a while because Leareth's hands are shaky and he can't cheat with magic, and it's pretty lopsided, but he actually smiles a little when he's done. "Is that better?" 

"What's important is that it's comfortable. But - yes."

"This is much more comfortable. Thank you." 

"You're very welcome."