...It feels like it might be panic-worthy if Maitimo moved suddenly at all, Leareth doesn't know what this anticipation is attached to but it's probably something awful and it is definitely Melkor's fault and not Maitimo's. And the fear is just muted enough that he can let it slide past him. Start slowly relaxing.

Hug. No sudden movements at all.

...He hadn't known. 

Oh, he knows there are people in the world who work the way Maitimo just described. Most people, probably. And then some of them can layer the careful strategic reasoning on top, and still - care this way, underneath. Vanyel is like that. It's not surprising, or shouldn't be–

–it's just...a shock that someone who works like that would take the part of them that cares about specific people, and point it at him. Because that was an option he willingly sacrificed, a long time ago. An inevitable result of being willing to do whatever he needs to, is that to people who are good in the normal way, Leareth is inherently untrustworthy. And it was a massive, indescribable cost to pay, giving up - having those kinds of allies, but he thought it's one he chose to pay a long, long time ago.  

And it's very confusing that apparently that isn't true? 

Well he's minding the possibility that there are a dozen more terrifying layers to Leareth's backstory but - yeah, it sure seems like some people might want to be Leareth's friend, personally, because of the things he cares about and the things he has tried to do to achieve them.

Leareth thinks that while he may not have told Maitimo everything about his lives, because two thousand years is a long time to cover, he hit the worst and most terrifying parts. Of course, he isn't sure because he no longer trusts his mind or his memories or anything he thinks he did in the past.

Also there are the parts he doesn't remember for completely non-Melkor-related reasons; he probably did awful things during the first war with Urtho and no records survived and so he won't ever know. Which is only a marginally less awful thought than the memories Melkor erased, really. 

Vanyel found Urtho's journals. Some of them, at least. It had some things about the war because he mentioned specifically that you kept trying to start peace talks, right up to the end.

Leareth doesn't remember that. It sounds plausible. It's - sort of convenient, that supposedly Vanyel found this, but– no it isn't nearly enough to push back the balance on all the other reasons he's sure this is reality, and besides, why would Melkor think he could do a convincing impression of Urtho of all people, who Leareth, in fact, barely remembers at all. Certainly can't recall what he looked like, how he spoke... 

I want him to not be dead. It's not the shape of thought he allows himself very often, because that would be too much weight to put on what 'wanting' even means. He can't bring back Urtho. Not - as he was, not the way the Quendi come back. So it doesn't really matter what he does or doesn't feel about it. 

...It would matter to Maitimo, though, wouldn't it. If he lost a friend, even if there was nothing he could do about it, ever, that wouldn't keep him from grieving for it. 

- I think if you try to only want things you can have you're letting reality put too much weight on what 'wanting' even means.

It still feels like there has to be a distinction, right, between - things he can have as goals, where it makes sense to put the entire force of what a Leareth is towards it, and things that...aren't goal-shaped. 

But it's not like he can do things right now anyway; it's not safe to put the force of who he used to be toward anything and he can't, he broke that part. So maybe there isn't that much difference, and he can...just be sad, that Urtho's dead and just because it happened a long time ago (by human reckoning, it's probably not even that long to Quendi), doesn't make it any more tolerable.

...Eventually being hugged starts to feel kind of overwhelming and he shifts away.

"Maybe we could do something about my hair," he suggests. 

- because hugging is overwhelming - 

He keeps his face very neutral. Yeah, good idea.

Leareth can suspect that Maitimo is thinking some kind of Quendi hair-related thoughts (he thinks this privately) and he does not need to know them. He does want his hair to be less of a disaster and he isn't going to manage it himself and if Maitimo is willing to push through whatever awkwardness he feels about it to do it then he appreciates that a lot. 

He can soak Leareth's hair in water and detangle it strand by strand, and shampoo them, very very gently, one at a time, never tugging on Leareth's scalp at all. 

This will take like twelve hours if they want to do it all in one go, though.

Leareth is appreciative of the fact that this doesn't involve any sudden movements or surprise pain, and he doesn't mind it taking a long time, but if Maitimo would rather it not take twelve hours then he could probably handle a bit of having his hair pulled by accident. 

"No! I just wondered if you wanted to do it in two sessions or something."

Well, he probably is going to get tired at some point, he can see when that is and sleep and then do the rest later. 

That works. He sings while he works. Not a magic song, not that Leareth can tell.

It's still something to occupy his attention, and Leareth is grateful for that. He's drained enough that he doesn't have the energy for other interaction anyway. 

He gets sleepy enough that sitting up is no longer tenable about eight hours in. 

"Then we can finish once you've rested?"

Sure, seems fine, too tired to have opinions now. 

He's pretty sure this is sooner and thorougher getting-tired than Leareth experienced before Angband but that doesn't seem particularly worth remarking on. "Good night."

"...I did not write notes," Leareth mumbles about five seconds after lying down. "Will you remember, tomorrow?" 

"Yeah. I will."

Sleep. 

Leareth sleeps for ten hours without waking up in the night. Doesn't move right away once he is awake. 

He won't bother him until he's sought out. He will wander nearby, though.

It's frustratingly hard to find any impetus to move, but Leareth eventually drags himself up and checks his notes. Writes down what he remembers from the day before, which is frustratingly incomplete, Maitimo said a lot of things but apparently being upset makes his memory worse. (What is even the point of emotions that do that.) 

When he's done he puts out a public thought for Maitimo that he wants to compare their versions.