What the fuck could he monologue about? 

"I could... talk about food?" That's a topic he knows things about and can probably produce content without interaction for!

"That works great, thank you."

Brushing teeth time.

Okay! He'll! Uh! Discuss spice, right! He will talk about how to make spicy dishes tasty and how spice isn't just a matter of degree but also kind, you can have things that are "as spicy as each other" while tasting wildly different and you need to work the spice with the rest of the flavour...

"Thank you," Haru says when his mouth is free. "Any requests for the reverse or should I just call Tess?"

Well he's not about to be a burden. "Tell me about Cricket?"

"He's very soft, he's got so much fluff that it can only truly exhibit its glory in four dimensions. He came from a 4D dungeon and he can still move around and see in them just fine, he goes in with anyone who's got a good omnidirectional defense to hunt for victims and cores. Used to be the size of a bear and venomous but he shrank, when his dungeon died. He started out able to speak English like a native but he was illiterate. I taught him how to read, I heard that he existed while I was still awakening so I had Ren post for me to the forum post that was, like, offering him free to a good home, because he was having so much friction with everybody at the agency but he's too useful to just kick out, and she relayed for me that I'd teach him to read, and I guess he thought that was sweet because within a minute of meeting him in person he was making figure eights around my ankles and purring at me."

"Aw, that's very sweet," he says when he's done brushing his teeth at the end of that. "And he just... acts like a regular housecat, despite having been a monster and being able to talk?"

"I think he watches a lot more television than a normal housecat but he does have a pretty housecat-ish personality. Judgmental and sleepy and affectionate with me in particular and bloodthirsty about pigeons."

"I'm glad you guys found each other."

"Me too. He's my best friend."

So... next checklist item?

Haru reports on Cricket's nervewracking habit of exposing himself to things that would harm a normal cat like lilies while he changes into pajama pants behind a closed door!

Presumably they've tested most such things by now, though, right?

"There are a startling variety of botanicals that are bad for cats but I do think that, rationally, he does not seem to be harmed by any of them and that will continue to apply. It just makes me anxious."

"I can understand that. I think I would be, too, in your shoes."

"I'm also not sure how long he's gonna, you know, live. Probably not exactly as long as a cat would. The vet he sees thinks he's still physically young and healthy and he's not slowing down or anything. But there's no data."

"And I assume there isn't so much a trend with other monsters that look like normal animals..."

"Right. In part because if they look completely normal people don't tend to keep them around - I've managed to grab up a few for the Park but they're not big draws and I'm not sure none of them are fraudulent -" He yawns and heads for the bedroom. "And things that look almost like a normal animal but with a major difference, like Cricket, there's not as many of those."

"Yeah. I'm sorry. But hopefully he'll be fine. He's magic."

"He's magic but so are we and espers age."

"Yeah..." He just meant that probably Cricket could be long-lived not immortal but he thinks insisting on the point would be useless. And presently they might as well spend their time with Korean or something.

"I'm ready for bed whenever you are."

He's changed into pajama bottoms, too, so he is also ready.

(He has enough practice to not actually do a double-take when he catches sight of Haru shirtless, but knowing intellectually that the gorgeous parole officer he spends every night with is hot is a very different thing from actually seeing it in the flesh. But he will not be weird about it.)

"I've mostly just been kind of lounging on top of you but I'm good to arrange us however, I do not have very strong position preferences."

"No preference either," because he is trying real hard not to think about it and to express a preference he would need to think about it.