Lancir looks him in the eye. He nods, seriously. "Yes, I do think it's important not to avoid our emotions. They exist for a reason and are generally trying to tell us something important. I do think the calming loop or something like it can, hmm, help you get enough mental space to actually address what you're upset about, rather than being overwhelmed by it? In a way being calmer gives you more ability to experience your emotions. But it sounds like something here isn't quite working for you?" 

"Hmm. I guess the problem is basically that I don't know when is a good time to use it and when isn't. It sounds like you're saying that if there's something I can do about a problem and being calm will help me do it, it's worth doing that even if it's a legitimately bad thing and not just being sad for no reason?"

"Abras, look at me. I don't think any of what you're going through is 'just being sad for no reason'. A legitimately bad thing happened to you, and - you're doing your best to move forward from it, but of course it makes sense to grieve." Pause. "That being said, I think it's healthy for you to be able to choose when and where to let yourself grieve, and when to focus on the present, and that's what I was hoping the calming loop would do. But it's not healthy to use it to ignore emotions and never look at them, whether those emotions are grief or being upset about something else; it's just a tool to give you more control of your own mind, so you can make a decision on what to do instead of being overwhelmed. Does that make sense?" 

"Yes, but--I think at least some of it is for, maybe not no reason, but not normal reasons? Other people knew--other people were affected too and they're--I guess maybe they're just handling it better?"

"You have a broken lifebond. You literally had a piece of your mind torn out. Yes, that's going to affect you." Lancir holds his gaze for a few moments longer, then sits back in his chair. "But, moving on. I think we should talk about the other thing that upset you, where you thought the calming-loop was the wrong tool. What happened?" 

"I. Used it to stop feeling guilty about being late to some work. And I shouldn't stop feeling guilty when I mess up because guilt is how you learn not to mess up again. Unless not feeling guilty helps me solve the problem faster."

Lancir nods. "Guilt, and even a little bit of rumination on a mistake, can be an important part of learning. Again, I think the question here is, is it the time and place to process that lesson and figure out how to address it in future, and are you in control of it? If feeling guilty is keeping you awake at night, say, and then you end up sleeping in and being late to something else, that's not helping you or anyone else. And if something was the kind of honest accident where it's hard to tell what would've avoided it, I think we tend to feel a lot guiltier than is really necessary. Not sure if this is such a case, being late does inconvenience people." He pauses. "Well, would it help to come up with a plan right now so it doesn't happen again? Unless you've already done that." 

"Well, now that I know that I sometimes get so distracted I won't notice Yfandes reminding me of things, I can be aware of that and pay more attention, and I can avoid doing anything especially absorbing when I have plans later, but that's probably not enough of a plan so if you have ideas I'm listening."

"Hmm. Scheduling your really engrossing work for an afternoon or evening when you've got nothing else afterward seems wise. You could tell her that if you don't notice the first reminder, she can yell at you more loudly five minutes later? I'm sure there's a level of interruption that would break your focus and get through." 

"That's a good idea too." He doesn't want to lean on Yfandes more for stuff he should be able to do himself, but he knows he and Yfandes would both prefer her reminding him multiple times to him being late to things.

"You shouldn't feel like it's an imposition on her. It's very normal for us Heralds to lean on our Companions in that way - or a lot more than that. Valdemar asks an awful lot of us. More than any person could carry without that support, I reckon." 

Lancir leans back in his chair. Looks at Abras. "Listen, this question of how to address guilt is one that comes up all the time. Heralds are perfectionists. We're chosen because we care a lot, and - then we're given impossible tasks, that we sometimes fail at, and it's easy to end up in a bad cycle where the guilt eats at us from the inside. It's important to grow from mistakes, but also to remember that you're human, right?" 

"That makes sense. It's just, I would never claim I'm capable of becoming perfect, but I don't want to--stop too soon, to accept some failure I could overcome by trying. I know it's a balancing act. I guess everyone gets used to it eventually?" 

"...To some extent. I don't want to claim it's ever easy. Most Heralds have a tendency to err too far toward being hard on themselves, but it is a balancing act. The advice I'd give is - talk to your Companion, ask her if she'd let you give up too soon. She's here to help you with this balancing act too." 

"Yeah. Yfandes is great. It's really good to have someone who's in my head but also objective. I might be deceiving myself on any given question, but I'm less likely to be deceiving her."

"Companions are wonderful. That's what I try to remind myself, every time this feels like an unfairly difficult job." 

"Definitely tell me to mind my own business if this is a personal question, but--what's having Taver as your Companion like? I assume you've talked to enough other Heralds to be able to compare."

...Lancir hesitates, then nods. Something hard to read flickers in his expression. "Yes. And - actually, I'm not sure you knew this, but I was a Herald already when the last Monarch's Own died and Taver Chose me." 

"Oh. Do you just--have two Companions, then? Or . . ." 

He seems wistful about it. "It's possible to - mostly unweave a bond, voluntarily. Doesn't come up because this would never, ever happen except in circumstances like these. I - still visit her, when I can." 

"Oh."

He should say something else but he isn't sure if "I'm sorry to hear that" is appropriate. His mind tries to contemplate that happening with him and Yfandes and runs into a brick wall of No.

"It - is what it is," Lancir says, heavily. "I know it must sound upsetting, but we manage all right. It won't happen to you, I'm confident of that." 

"I'm. Glad you're okay."

"Was there anything else you wanted to say before I went off on a tangent."

"Would you like me to make any changes to the calming loop? I would also offer to add a redirect for feelings of guilt, just to help you step back from it and think about it more productively, but I reckon you'd rather do that on your own, without Mindhealing - is that right?" 

Firm nod. "Yes."

"Any other questions? Other things you'd like to talk over?"