Before or after we catch up on, say, how things are with Yfandes now?

“...Probably after. Or I’m going to be really distracted by whatever he wrote.”

She nods and tucks away the letter. "So, how are things?"

“Um, I’m mostly all right, I think? Yesterday wasn’t great but I haven’t been miserable most of today.” He swallows. “Yfandes is...less all right.”

How so?

"She's...having to deal with all this uncertainty? For the first time?" He grimaces. "I mean, not that, quite - she knew before that there was a lot we didn't know - but, it feels different to her now? I think...a thing Companions take for granted, is this feeling of certainty that there is a right way – a sense of confidence that you know what right and wrong mean, and of course you're on the side of right? And she lost that, and she's really scared and overwhelmed, and–" he gulps, "and I can't reassure her, because I'm scared too, and I don't know what to do either." 

Yeah, that sounds really rough. Might be time for you to be there for her rather than the other way around for a while.

"Right. That makes sense. I...think it would be easier if I was more solidly okay. So, um, maybe you can help me with that, and then I can help her?" 

I can do my best. What's shakiest right now?

Vanyel thinks. 

"...I feel like I'm back to not having quite enough me to cope with everything? There was a week or two there where I - felt like I could just do my work, and have some energy left over for other things - I was still in a bad mood sometimes but I could handle it, I wasn't getting overwhelmed. Then - this happened, and now everything feels too hard again and I just want it to stop so I can breathe–" 

He breaks off. "Oh. Right. I could just ask for a couple days of leave. I don't know why I didn't think of that – I guess I didn't want Savil to notice, but, um, she definitely knows something's wrong." 

You could! I don't know what a normal schedule is here but in Materia - I'm not comparing Arda, Arda's post-scarcity - but in Materia a normal job will be five days on two days off repeat. That's the schedule I would have kept in a practice there.

"Really? Huh! We rotate days off for specific duties, like Mindspeech relay; I used to get a day off a week, before the earcuff; and we wouldn't be scheduled for heavy mage-work more than two consecutive days, but - there aren't really any days when I have zero responsibilities, unless I formally take leave." He grimaces. "Which, um, I have to ask Lancir about, and I know it shouldn't be embarrassing but it is." 

There are exceptions - emergency services and stuff like farming has to be done every day so people take different days off from everyone else, some people work weird schedules for other reasons - but school and office work and a lot of stores and so on are closed those two days. I don't know whether Heralds ought reasonably have a different schedule but I think asking Lancir for a couple days off is reasonable. Yfandes is a resource you are as a Herald quietly expected to just plain have, and now it turns out that having that resource takes some maintenance.

"I'll do that." It's not a conversation he's especially looking forward to but, to his own surprise, Vanyel feels pretty confident that he can handle it.

"And, um, one thing is that I was having awful mood swings yesterday, just - for no reason, or in response to really tiny things. I think that used to happen all the time and I dealt with it by hiding in my room or the stables until I felt better. Or - hurting myself on purpose to calm down, if I couldn't get out of whatever I was doing, but I haven't done that in weeks and it would upset Yfandes if I started again. I thought maybe you'd have advice for that which doesn't involve dropping all my responsibilities." 

Huh. No reason at all or is that just another way of saying "tiny things" -

"Hmm. I'm not...sure." He thinks back. "Some of the tiny things were, I fumbled a spell and had to redo it, or, I spilled tea on my book... Really stupid things. But a few times I was just going about my day and then all of a sudden got hit by this feeling of everything-being-doomed and I don't know what if anything set it off."

Okay, that sounds pretty yikes! How about you remember one of those for me as clearly as you can and I'll see if I can find anything?

Vanyel grimaces but does his best to recall it. "I was walking over to the dining hall after teaching lessons, I'd just made it around the corner of the Healers' quarters - I don't remember exactly what I was thinking about, presumably it was to do with my students..." And then all of a sudden his heart was racing and he was feeling trapped and overwhelmed and like it was already too late for anything in the future to be good ever again. 

Okay, I can probably fix that but you're not gonna like how.

"...Um, all right, how?" 

I have to induce something just like it - my books called them "panic attacks" - so I can follow it to the source. Then no more ever again unless I do it wrong! Just one last one.

"Wait, that has a name? It used to happen to me constantly, I thought it was just - getting disproportionately upset about things. Um, I guess it used to be for an obvious reason usually, but you fixed most of the obvious reasons with the association pinches." 

And now I can fix the whole shebang, assuming it's actually that and not a misdiagnosis, but they vary person to person so I have to see one.

Vanyel takes a deep breath. "All right. Go ahead." 

So she goes... push to watch the dominoes fall down.