- aaaaaa - but it can't be worse than the last - everything - and important - answer matters -

(Sayshen is deliberately not thinking about why she's so convinced that it matters.) 

She holds herself straight and upright. :You can go ahead: 

She looks first, without touching. What is this, how is it attached, how is it shaped.

It's – no, it's not quite alien, it's in some sense an integral part of Sayshen's mind. But it can be distinguished, structurally; it's not human. It's probably the source of the faint tiny hint of bright-blue/ringing-steel that makes the Companion's mindvoice and thoughts feel subtly inhuman. There's a rigidity to it. Something that could bear arbitrary weight without bending, much less crumpling–

–if that force were to come from the expected direction. It feels vaguely like a kind of glass, incredibly strong from one angle but fragile and brittle from another. And, far from all of the strain she can sense in Sayshen's mind is coming from the intended angle. 

If Bella looks closer, she'll have a sense of: clear bright line - our sacred trust - foundation built on love. It's not quite those words, more the wordless emotions behind them, a sense of certainty, almost religious faith. 

...If Bella looks closely enough, she'll notice that the structure seems to have two parts. They're interlinked, both have the same unnatural sharpness and solidness, but one draws more on the clarity, the other more on the love. 

Huh. If she looks at the rest, bird's-eye view, she could almost mistake Sayshen for a human, except for this part. Only almost, but about as much as, say, a half-human from Materia.

What are those angles - where is the stress expected, where is the stress unexpected -

Expected stress: anything related to self-sacrifice on behalf of Valdemar. Anything related to their Herald's needs, physical or emotional or otherwise. Any kind of situation that might require 'courage', Sayshen would have no difficulty with. In those situations, she can draw on an infinite well of faith and certainty that the Heralds' work is good and worth it and sacred. It doesn't look like it gives her ethical certainty in the same way – she has memories of ambiguous, confusing, heart-wrenching situations, where neither she nor her beloved Chosen were ever sure if they had made the right choice. But that pain, too, feels worth bearing. 

Unexpected: it's harder to get a close look here, there's the same wind-blowing-away effect, but: the questions Bella is asking now aren't letting Sayshen draw on that support at all, for courage or for anything else. No ironclad certainty here, only confusion and worry and Sayshen's own best judgement, an internal mantra of important worth it that isn't coming from her main internal source of importance and worth-it-ness at all. 

How integral is integral? What would happen if it broke, or disconnected, or were - muffled.

It's hard to extrapolate what exactly would happen if it broke, except that it would probably be a disaster. There's a lot of metaphorical weight leaning on it.

If it were just disconnected – well, the issue is that there's a lot connected there. By itself it isn't that large a fraction of Sayshen's mind, but most of her emotions and drives and sense of self link through it at some point. It looks probably possible to disconnect, in that way, but like it would have very significant effects. 

If it were fuzzed out... Again, hard to guess perfectly without doing it. But Sayshen is evidently making some amount of effort to - evade it? Subvert it? If it were less - strong of an attractor - then it might be less of a distortion on the surrounding thoughts and emotions as well. 

I could try to make it quieter, Bella offers after a while.

Sayshen seems dubious of this working. :You may try if you wish: 

Bella doesn't disconnect anything, doesn't break anything, just - drapes it in a psychic blanket.

Sayshen definitely notices. Her eyes widen, ears pricking all the way forward. 

Her thoughts shift noticeably. She's still been sort of holding onto the question that Bella originally asked, but it's as though it comes into sharper focus. 

If it were up to me to choose, then I would– her thoughts catch but in a different way, a more normal human flinch-response to pain. It wasn't fair. I miss him. Why couldn't Taver have gone after literally anybody else. Not my Chosen. The emotions are muted; all of her emotions are slightly dulled, she doesn't have full access to a core part of her mind, but they are still there, grief and loneliness and bitterness. 

I wish it - didn't work that way. There's still a hesitation there, unease creeping in, but she thinks it. 

Nod nod.

Refocus. If I were choosing this life, and I - knew that - then - would I... The resistance is greater here but she pushes through. 

I wouldn't

No, that thought isn't going anywhere. 

It would - be really reasonable - for a person not to choose that. There, that much she can squeeze out. 

And - in the case of the Companions who are already, uh, stuck this way -

what would happen if their Herald also thought the situation was - not well-designed? And wanted to talk about that?

- aaaaaaaaaa -

Sayshen steps delicately around the incoherent internal screaming, it seems like a practiced motion, and tries to consider the question anyway. 

If that happened, then - it would be frustrating for both. Not really - a possible conversation - to have. 

It could only end i

Another dead end. 

That could go very badly, she settles on. 

Would there be a way to make sure it didn't?

Um. I'm - going to guess it's too late for this hypothetical Companion and their hypothetical Herald to have the answer be 'avoid letting it come up'?

Let's say that we are considering the eventuality where it is too late.

More internal screaming, it's not just coming from the mind-structure that Bella has muffled, but Sayshen sets it aside. Thinks. 

Whatever she's doing now would help - makes it - easier to think 

But it's a different problem. Less avoidable than - mine...

There's - a conflict - within what a Companion is for

...Two goals. A flash of surprise, insight. Overlapping but not the same. Two different things that we - can't walk away from. A push of effort, the mental equivalent of gritted teeth. King Valdemar's vision. And our Chosen. 

If you couldn't reconcile them anymore

Helpless confusion. Sayshen has no idea. She's never heard of anything like it happening before. 

It might break something. And the something looks kind of important. It's just not - not quite yours.

A long thoughtful pause. I still don't know what you mean by that, Sayshen admits in her thoughts, not bothering to put it into Mindspeech. By 'not quite yours'. 

I lived in a world where the god of the dead would bring the people there back to life, but only after he'd - changed them. Removed some memories, some inclinations, that he thought made them worse people. It was more clumsily done than whatever this is but it had the same character of being something attached to a mind after it was already a mind, not something grown in. This is like - I could show you, if that doesn't sound like a terrible idea? It might be confusing though.

You'd be showing me your memory of one of these people? That's - all right with me. 

I meant showing you yourself.

Oh. That makes more sense. And, sure. Sayshen seems both worried and curious.