And that they're there in part to keep Heralds kind of generally... on track? Ethically speaking?

"Y...es?" Vanyel does not sound as though he likes where this is going. 

On track in, uh, whose opinion.

"I mean, I always sort of assumed it was King Valdemar, like in the song, but...he actually didn't make the Companions, not by himself. He - asked nicely for a solution to his problem. And got them." Vanyel's shoulders go up around his ears. "By praying to a bunch of gods to keep his kingdom on track." 

I don't know exactly how your gods work. They seem to be different from both Materian gods and Ainur. But based on the information I have it seems likely that Yfandes may be actually unable to consider acting against either gods in general or whatever set had a hand in making her species, or countenancing you - specifically, as her Herald - doing so, and that'd sure make it hard to talk to her.

"...Ack." Vanyel puts his forehead down on his knees. He switches to Mindspeech. :Bella, help, what do I DO? She's in my head all the time, how am I supposed to think about this if she isn't allowed to?: 

I don't know. Relatively noninvasive possibilities are, uh, maybe talking about things in hypotheticals, make it sound like it's about Materian gods, there's a variety, I could probably dig up some old story about them for any example you wanted to translate for her if that turns out to work. Just spending longer blocks of time with her hedged out, like I suggested weeks ago, without making it obvious that it's for thinking about things other than your will to live. Uh, I could ask a Companion who doesn't have a Herald yet questions, maybe, try to map it out from there if we assume they all match in this respect.

Less... relatively noninvasive... options also exist but they'd be pretty risky for your relationship and by extension your Heraldic status, and depending on how they panned out maybe even risky for Yfandes's safety, and it's not really the sort of relationship that you're in a good position to stake.

A lot of that is terrifying even to think about. :Um, you trying to talk to an unbonded Companion seems good? And I can try the hypotheticals with Materian gods, if you can find examples: He's actually pretty curious about how different they are, now. 

Vanyel scowls. :I think she really WANTS to help me, that's the stupidest part, I can feel her feeling bad and confused about it, but - I don't think it'd work for me to tell her it was a workaround, even. But if we don't actually talk about the part where it's a workaround, even if we both know it...?: 

There are god-created god-managed species on Materia. The one I know the most about are called nymphs. They belong to -

Anyway, nymphs belong to Mother Khaele. They can do some divine magic without having to pick it up the same way other species do, like healing. They're attached to natural places - trees, springs, streams, mountains, that sort of thing - but there's also a domesticated strain attached to fields or orchards, and Mother Khaele seems okay with that, although I think the original domesticators were taking a heck of a risk. Nymphs are divinely mandated to never wear clothes, never eat animal products except I think they might be allowed honey I don't remember, and to have sex with anybody who wants immediately on demand no exceptions. That last is also how they kind of spiritually nourish themselves, although I think only sex with men works for that purpose. All the nymphs I have met seem fine with this, but of course if a nymph was not fine with this she'd sure have to do it anyway, because their mother is watching them all the time and is a god.

Vanyel has...a lot of questions, he has layers of questions, like why a god would possibly care if someone mispronounced their name, but that gets interrupted with how divine magic works and what 'domesticating' a god-crafted species means and– "Gah. That's...really disturbing. Do you not–" no obviously she finds it disturbing, she's not exactly trying to hide that, and then the final realization of "oh gods have you been finding Companions disturbing that way this entire time?" 

Aaaand that's a thought he now wishes he hadn't completed. "–Bella, I'm nervous this is going to turn into one of those 'don't think about a white bear' things where...um, loudly thinking that I'm suddenly way more uncomfortable with the concept of Companions is not going to help." 

Oh dear. I should probably have... thought of that. Uh, I can if necessary stop you from remembering what we're talking about outside our sessions directly but this would obviously be awkward for you even if you remembered saying it was okay, and it might freak Yfandes out almost as much. I don't have the training to do it really subtly, not for a topic this big and in contact with so many other subjects. Hopefully you can come to some relatively settled opinion that you don't feel compelled to ruminate on much, before you're talking to her again.

I don't find Companions disturbing in the same way as nymphs. Uh, from my perspective Companions are actually more unsettling. I got used to nymphs, I had some of my classes in college with nymphs, I had to walk past nymphs doing what nymphs do every day when I was at school or in a rural area or just coincidentally walking by one that was relatively out of place. Also nymphs don't hassle straight girls, though there's a similar less common all-male species that does sometimes. And nymphs definitely don't mind control other people. As a group they're actually very big on enthusiastic consent.

That probably wasn't helpful, I'm sorry.

This...is really, really not a convenient time for Vanyel's brain to be freaking out about every single thing he's quietly hated-without-looking-at-it for the last several years, but it sure seems to be happening anyway. 

"I didn't even want to be a Herald," he says dully. "I didn't ask to get Chosen. It bothered me before, I wasn't sure if 'Lendel actually wanted that life or, or if it was just Companion magic that made him think he did. I've - tried not to think about that–" Because he had so little to build on, at the beginning, he had to hang so much weight on caring about being a Herald, and...

Speaking is difficult and he switches to Mindspeech. :I know I can't risk losing her, I know it would be...really bad...but, just, I didn't ask to need her that way? Badly enough that I can't risk thinking things that might - be bad. I don't – damn it, if this was going to happen anyway, I – I'm sorry, I don't think I mean this, but - why couldn't I have just died in the stupid river?: 

I understand. This is hard, it gives you less to work with because you're suddenly without your usual confidante, and it's coming at you from a few angles. I was kind of avoiding the topic of Companions because you don't have an alternative, and being distressed about something you can't change isn't going to help more than being okay with something you can't change. Plus if you were actually just okay with it you didn't need to be fielding my issues at the same time. But now the way Companions work is affecting your ability to grapple with, uh, theology.

:And with Leareth. Which is...sort of the biggest problem in my life: Vanyel takes a shuddering breath, lifts his head. :Can you– nevermind, I should try to calm down by myself. I've been practicing that: 

That's really good. I'm here if you need me.

Vanyel puts his feet back down on the floor, rolls his shoulders to loosen them, closes his eyes and visibly focuses on slowing and deepening his breathing. He's quiet for a couple of minutes. 

"...I'm all right now," he says finally, opening his eyes. A brief, surprised half-smile flashes across his face. "I did not used to be able to do that." 

That was great! It didn't take you long, either.

Vanyel smiles again at the praise. "It helped a lot having you do it a bunch of times, I think? Sort of, for believing that I could calm down even in the middle of everything feeling doomed. And - I think it helps that you're here and I could still ask you if I got stuck." He fidgets with his sleeve. "I guess we sort of have a plan? I try to get time without Yfandes in my head and I can use hypothetical examples if I do want to talk to her. And you'll try to find an unbonded Companion who's willing to talk to you?" 

Yeah. Uh, is there a good way to figure out which ones are unbonded besides talking to a child?

"You could ask Lancir? He'd know." 

Okay.

Do you want more examples to draw on than nymphs? Nymphs are sort of awkward.

"Um, yes, that'd be good – er, I don't think Yfandes would find it as uncomfortable, she's, um, really open about sex, but right now thinking about nymphs just makes me think about how Companions freak me out as a concept and I...shouldn't do that." 

There's Valar, too, who I, uh, remember better than Materian gods. Valar and Maiar. Sometimes they'd seem to disagree, that might be useful to mention - Mandos, the Vala of the dead, put people back with some memories and traits missing, if he thought those memories and traits were making them less virtuous people. In particular he'd insist before bringing a dead Elf back to life on making sure they were straight, I don't have a strong sense of the mores on that here but the Valar don't approve of their Elves being gay. But he'd also make them forget other things - the formerly dead I encountered were originally from the other, less paradisical continent, Endorë, so there were memories of things like - this is a made up example, not a particular patient - taking more than their share of raspberries for dinner, or something. And he'd just fuzz those out, then reembody them. But I got explicit permission from Olórin, a Maia of Lórien the Vala of dreams, to un-fuzz all those memories for anyone who wanted me to.

"...I don't think Yfandes will like that. She, um– I don't think gods here care about that but people do, my father, well, um, I don't talk to him anymore. Yfandes hates it a lot when people disapprove of...that. I don't know how that would mix with them being gods." He shrugs. "Also they kicked you out and separated you from your friend, and she likes you." 

You can use that example too if you want. But I'd rather you didn't lean too hard on it, since it's possible that if pressed she'd wind up having to declare that since the Valar are gods I probably deserved it or something.