I think so, yes. Unfortunately I don't think my usual method of killing physical pain will extend to this so we'll need to think of other things.

Nod. "I think this might be why I'm so much more of a disaster when I don't sleep enough than most people? I mean, Savil can get in a bad mood if she's tired, but...mostly only when frustrating or upsetting things happen? And I sort of don't ever not have that. And when actual bad things happen, it's that much worse." He shrugs helplessly. "I can't not ever have bad things happen, though. Heralds have to deal with bad things, that's kind of our whole job. Right the wrongs in the Kingdom and all that." 

I don't have a clear impression of what your job is, actually, apart from teaching classes and doing Mindspeech relay.

"I do a lot of mage-work too. Shielding on rooms, artifacts to protect important people, building, demolishing old buildings, paving roads... Lots of things." Half of which he ends up asking Savil to cover – Vanyel cringes slightly in remembered embarrassment.

"Um, and most Heralds are out on circuit. Visiting all the towns in an area, er, seeing court cases where the defendant wanted to wait for a Herald, sometimes investigating themselves, helping townspeople fight off wild creatures or bandits, rescuing people from the same, fixing local infrastructure... It's actually really rare for someone who's my age and a mage to be in Haven. The only reason Tran's here is because he's an incredibly strong Mindspeaker, for the relay," Vanyel still seems mostly calm at this point, "and, um, because he - got hurt - when Tylendel–" 

Abruptly, he covers his face with both hands. "Sorrycanyoupleasemakemecalmagain–"

Calm.

"Sorry." Vanyel takes a few deep breaths and then lowers his hands. "I - that's a thing that happens, it's like, there's a really narrow line between managing fine and getting completely overwhelmed, and...if I can see it coming I can do something, but sometimes I don't see it coming. Because, narrow line. Um, you can affect read me if you want? You didn't ask about that yet. But, er, maybe you can help me notice sooner and then I can practice doing that." 

That's a good idea, I'll do that. Affect read. It'd help a lot if there were warning signs and you could use that moment to try to redirect yourself or calm yourself down.

"That would help. Um, you can stop the calm thing now, I think I'm all right." Vanyel makes a face. "...I don't remember at all what we were talking about, though." 

She backs off. The responsibilities of Heralds. They seem... kind of all over the place.

"I guess they are. I remember thinking that when I was doing lessons with Savil at the beginning. It's just a lot of things." 

The justice system in particular doesn't seem like it specifically needs people with Companions, does it?

"Oh. Heralds aren't most of the justice system. It's just...an option people have, if they don't feel they'll be treated fairly by the local court? Local magistrates are corrupt sometimes, Savil says it's nearly impossible to avoid that entirely, but them knowing that if someone feels wronged they can call a Herald in helps minimize it. I think on a circuit, it'd be one or two cases per town, often none, and each town only gets visited once or twice a year." 

But why a Herald in particular?

Vanyel starts to answer, and then pauses. 

"We're supposed to be impossible to corrupt," he says finally. "Because of Companions – because they know who to Choose, and because they help keep us on the right path. And people trust that, they take it seriously. Also, for the last few decades we've had the Truth Spell. Any Herald can perform it, non-Heralds can't. That's, well, sort of the ultimate confirmation of who's telling the truth in a his-word-against-hers type case with no other way of verifying." 

I guess that makes sense. And the infrastructure's, what, just a while-you're-there thing?

"You mean the Herald overseeing cases? I guess so. If there's something really urgent, the locals can request a Herald, and someone nearby would detour over to handle it." 

No, I mean, you're not actually essential for building whatever infrastructure you were talking about when you mentioned it, roads or whatever, Heralds are just around anyway for other reasons.

"I guess most of the work mages in particular do could be done without magic. There are some efficiencies – there's a technique we have for creating paved roads from loose rocks, it's much better than cobbles or any of the non-magical road-surfacing methods and it lasts for ages. Also some of the work I've done when I was on a mission anyway just is magical; you can build a wall around a town without magic, but then I can put a set-spell on it that'll make an earth-and-wood wall last as long as a stone one. The town could make do with rebuilding it more often or just making the stone wall in the first place, but when people don't have a lot of resources to work with, and I can do something in an afternoon that'll help them for the next ten years, that does make a difference." Shrug. "I don't know if that answers your question." 

It does, yes.

"...Sorry, I forgot why we started on this subject– Right. I was saying why, um, I can't solve, er, not solve, mitigate, the hole problem just by avoiding stressful things. Because I'm a Herald so it's my duty, and...because I want to do it. There are people out there I can help, I could help them more if I were less of a mess, and they matter and their lives matter?" 

That makes sense. And you can't just pick and choose less stressful duties because they tend to be along a circuit, so once you're up to going on circuit at all, you'll be expected to do whatever's there?

"Probably?" Again, he stops and thinks. "I mean, some circuits are easier than others – they don't put inexperienced Heralds on border circuits usually." 

Bella nods. Okay, so there are gradual increases in your stress diet you could make - but you'd need to be able to fall asleep, on your own, every time, not in your own bed, for a circuit not to be both more stress and less cope than you have here.

"That sounds...really hard." From his face, and affect of general helplessness, what he's actually thinking is 'impossible'. 

Yep. It might take a long time if it ever proves doable. There's bits of it you can practice, if you can borrow a spare room to work on sleeping in strange places, or skip nights of getting my help to practice falling asleep without help.