"If I thought you were worthless I wouldn't care about what you were doing. Since - why would I care whether a worthless person was trying to support me or not?

I don't really care - whether you're obeying me because you think I am a god or because it's the law or because it would've been important to my brother that I not come into his seat and smash everything I can reach from it, or - what. Maybe I should. I think because it didn't happen the way it was supposed to I'm not really very much of an aspect of Abadar. Or - not a flattering aspect of him, anyway.

I do care about knowing that if I ask you for something it'll happen."

"If it's explicitly only important as evidence that I'll do things that you need from me even if they hurt me, that... doesn't really make me feel better about it.

"And Asmodeus doesn't think that his followers are worthless. Only that what they want is."

"That is not what -"

He rolls over and stares at the ceiling. It's a map of the world. How very his-brother. 

"Maybe I taught you something stupid that's fine as long as you can run away from all your responsibilities and dumb once they catch up with you."

"I see."

"I'm sorry. I was trying to make you happy."

"...when?"

"When I apparently told you that obedience and reliability and willingness to do hard things is dumb and Asmodean and no one would ever want it unless they wanted to crush you."

" - I don't think that reliability or willingness to do hard things are bad. I don't even think that obedience is bad, in its place, in situations where it's important and necessary. I think that prostrating themselves is something that people do to demonstrate that whatever they were doing is so unimportant in the face of someone else's mere presence that it shouldn't even be weighed against it at all, that their desires are as nothing in comparison to anything that the entity they're honoring might need from them. And I think that being in that situation is bad for people, and I think that being asked to give that demonstration to one's spouse every time one meets them is - terrible. I think it sounds terrible, and damaging, and awful.

"I will do it for you if you insist on it, but I really can't imagine it not - making me worse at everything, making me more the person I was before I met you."

"You want me to do it anyway."

"I don't know what I want. I want to not be the pharaoh. I don't know if that means I want to use the power of the pharaoh to play make-believe I'm not the pharaoh. I guess I feel like you don't really understand this so you're treating it as some other, Chelish thing. I want you to let me think."

"Sorry. You can think about it."

He said that so now he should think but instead he stares at the ceiling. 

"I think maybe I should ask Fazil."

"I would really like it if you did that.

"I'm only asking to not do it in private, to be clear. Because there's - decorum, or projecting legitimacy stuff, or whatever."

"- yeah." Hug. "I - I'll talk to him. I don't want you to - I love you, and you're doing really well, and it's going to be hard enough without - also reminding you of Cheliax. And maybe some of the other pharaohs waived it in private, I wouldn't know."

"Yeah. Maybe."

Patpatpat.

Cautious halfhearted snuggles.

"I'm not actually sure what class of things you mean when you say you want me to tell you how to keep me safe. Or whether this is an example of that."

"I guess this is an example of that. I don't really - hmm. 

I'm supposed to get a crown that improves your mind. So the pharaoh's smarter and wiser and better at words and stuff, right - but I can't have it because we can't get this stupid helmet off."

"Ah.

"That sucks. I'm sorry."

"So I'm just stuck - not being any better at this than I was before. And I was an idiot before but I was a harmless idiot, I'd made pretty sure I couldn't hurt anyone because I'd given up on trying to have any principles. And now I'm not like that but I don't know -"

Sigh.

"I'm pretty sure the old you had principles."

"Well, when you're in love with people you think better of them than they deserve."

"You thought that the pharaoh shouldn't be allowed to marry anyone he wanted without getting normal lines of permission, and you wanted me to promise not to divorce you because you thought that that was an important element of marriage, and you were really opposed to people worshipping evil deities."

"Hmmm. 

I guess I did. 

I don't know why, exactly, except for the divorce thing, which is obvious."