"Me too. But - but what I told myself is that having a mother who is okay is part of raising a baby who is the pharaoh so it's just as reasonable a thing to bet on as having a spare."

"That's probably true.

"For the sake of Osirion it would probably be much better to have more than one. But - we couldn't do that and have me be okay unless things were very different than they have been."

"That makes sense. And I want you to be okay. And - maybe things will be very different but that seems like a lot of pressure to put on us. So - no plans for a baby."

Nod.

"We could talk about maybe imagining walking towards trying in - some number of years? But - probably we shouldn't think about this until I am... better."

"That's what I've been figuring."

Nod.

"Still don't... actually know how to get better. Or have a clear view of what it would mean to be... okay."

"I think when you're okay you'll do lots of working with Verita on whatever she's studying or doing, and you'll think of lots of things you want to teach the baby, and you'll practice your magic, and maybe you'll decide to write a book or something. And you won't be scared of me."

"All of that sounds really hard."

"Well, there's no hurry. Just I think eventually once you're okay those are - the sorts of things a you who was okay would be doing."

Nod.

She doesn't feel like she has any of those things. She supposes this makes sense. It makes sense that being okay involves being able to call on the parts of her that she doesn't have anymore, the parts that she cut out of herself in order to make space for sufficient amounts of obedience. It occurs to her that she could probably manage to do all of those things and still be completely miserable.

She doesn't say that. It seems like the wrong thing to say.

"If you don't have any ideas where to start I don't really have any either."

"Sorry."

"I don't really think I am owed an apology about it."

"Is - being okay, or whatever the thing you want me to be is, is this - mostly about how many things I do, or mostly about how I feel, or mostly about how much pain I'm in, or - something else. Do you think."

"How you feel."

"Okay.

"I can think about things that might make me feel... safer. Or more like who I was. But I don't know if they will work. Or how reasonable any of the ideas will end up being."

"Well, I guess we'll try them and if they don't work then they don't work."

"Okay."

"Was that...the wrong thing to say."

"No, I just - "

She thinks through several ways to end that sentence and discards most of them as lies and a few of them as stupid.

"Words are hard."

"Aren't they. I remember I thought that even before so it's not just being really depressed."

Nod.

"Honestly you seemed pretty good at them before. A lot of the time. I think we both used to be better at them.

"...the bear trap analogy was good."

"Oh. - I'm glad."

Nodnod.

(Words are still hard.)

"So... I should be thinking about things I want. Or that will make me feel things. Is that right?"

"Yeah. And I can try to think of them too but I dunno that I'm very good at it. And I'll stop sending paintings for the baby."