"Kinda have an impulse to talk about this but I'm not sure I can - say the thing I mean right."

"It's okay if you say it wrong."

"I am worried that - I think that if we were in the same situation again then maybe you would do most of the same things again. I am worried that you don't regret anything you did. And I don't know whether I will ever be able to feel safe with someone who I know would do the same thing again."

"What do you mean by the same situation, my entire family cannot be permanently destroyed from the universe again."

"I agree that it is not possible for you to end up in exactly the same situation again."

"I think that's - important. Because - I wanted to do better, but I didn't have any better, I just had what I had. And - I will still do that, you're right. I don't think it will ever hurt you as badly again but I will try as hard as I can and then go ahead even if as hard as I can isn't enough trying."

"I don't really know what that means."

"I guess I feel kind of like - we were in a bear trap, and your leg was stuck, and I cut off your leg to get us out of the bear trap. And you were like 'that was very awful for me!' and I - agree that it was very awful for you! And you were like 'you know, if you'd been stronger you could've just lifted my leg off the trap', and that's true, and now I'm stronger, maybe strong enough to just do that? But I wasn't at the time. And you're saying 'I need to believe you wouldn't do that again' and in one sense I wouldn't because I am stronger but in another sense I would if we are stipulating that also I'm still not strong enough?"

"Do you think, if my leg was stuck in a bear trap, and you didn't have any spells to fix this, you would unilaterally declare that you were going to cut my leg off, and then do that, without asking me about this or telling me that I could decide when or how this happened."

"No. But I don't think I did that. I think, uh, metaphorically I said I couldn't promise I definitely wouldn't but then you said it was important to you so I made a point of listening to you about that and then eventually you said we could cut off your leg."

"Maybe that's what happened. I don't - I can't be sure any of my memories are right.

"What I remember is that - you gave me two weeks of not having to have sex with you, and told me that you didn't want to force me but that after that you would, and then we didn't even actually wait two weeks, and - "

(She realizes that she's starting to cry. Oh well. Nothing for it.)

" - I don't know whether I was able to communicate any of the things I really needed. I gave up, eventually, I - I decided that the only way to deal with you was to give up on myself and give you everything I had. I am bad advocating for myself when the person I trust most has turned evil, been given legal power of life and death over me, and begun threatening to rape me. It is a flaw. I am sorry that I am flawed. But I needed you to be able to let me decide when and how it happened, and I needed you to - be able to treat what was happening as if we were cutting off my leg. And understand that even if the situation was not your fault, I might need - time. And reassurance. And patience. In order to keep making the decision to endure letting you cut my leg off."

"I - guess I wish it could've gone like that so you felt like you - were doing it for all the reasons it had to happen and not just for me. That's what I wanted."

Nod.

"I - think it could not have gone like that if you were already committed to forcing me. Even if you didn't actually do it, not physically, it's still - taking away the ability to decide. So I couldn't - the only thing I could choose was the framing."

"I don't - know if I could ever possibly have chosen to just let Osirion burn. Even though I really want to. Kind of because I really really want to, because really really wanting millions of people to die and go to Hell is a bad place to be thinking from, even if conveniently it's also the right thing to do it seems like it'd be - I don't know -"

"It is not a decision to let Osirion burn.

"It is a decision to trust me. The way I have to trust you, every second of every hour of every day of my existence."

"I lose the stupid crown if I break my word." 

"And I believe that you will keep your word. I believe that you will take the helmet off when the time comes.

"But I think that - a thing that you must have learned from this experience is that I am willing to give you my soul if I feel that you have need of it. So I am asking, if you had to do things again with the knowledge you have today, would you be able to let me decide. Would you be able to make your case and ask me to save Osirion with you, even though it would be horrible for both of us. Even though you would be scared and hurting and feel that there really was only one good solution."

"Oh. That's - much easier. Yes, I would."

"And could you assure me that you would be able wait until I said yes, trusting that if that was what had to happen then I would be able to see that."

"I...think so?"

...nod.

"I think that this is the thing that I wanted. I think that - I want to know that you will not cut my leg off on your own. Even if it actually needs to be cut off. And - I know that you are not going to face precisely the same situation again. But I don't know that you're never going to face another that is like it. And - I do not know that I want to become someone who is very vulnerable to you again if you do not trust me enough to give me control over situations that metaphorically constitute letting you cut my leg off.

"Although I will try to do it if you ask."

"I think in my head - it felt condescending, or something, to let you decide only because I trusted you to decide right - I realize that doesn't make a lot of sense - it felt manipulative -"

"You understand that - letting me decide also gives me time and space to discuss conditions and costs and ways that you can mitigate the damage. And that if you are - only giving me the choice of whether to accept it gracefully or not, and sulking about it every time I am not sufficiently graceful or quick to accept it - that does not leave space for me to do that."

"Sure."

Nod.

"I am still scared that the baby might not be able to be the pharaoh."