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Aug 09, 2020 8:16 AM
Abadar uses a helm of opposite alignment on Hagan and a bad time is had by all
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"Okay."

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"And - I don't really know what else - be nice to the slaves, you probably do that anyway, save the world, you are doing that but you said you thought I might've - interfered with you getting Good for it by saying I'd do it anyway -"

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"I don't know anything about which things interfere with getting goodness points for something. I mostly thought it interfered with - thinking that the thing I was doing was saving anybody except you. Or that the thing I was making myself do was have sex, rather than making myself not complain about it, or ask for anything that might have made it less costly."

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"I tried to do the stuff you asked for that'd make it less costly. Waiting for you to say you were ready, spending an hour coming up with nice things I could say about you - I think maybe there might not be things that make it work, and we might just have to give up on that."

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" - I have never been ready. I have never been at a point where I felt safe giving you feedback on which things worked. Every time I offered feedback, you got angry, and every time I ignored all of my needs and focused all of my energy from the very beginning of the night on giving myself to you without hesitation or conditions, you showered me with praise. I am sorry, if I chose the wrong course of action based on what I saw, and I am sorry if I damaged something you wanted to protect. But I stopped trying to make it something less than maximally horrible two weeks in. I didn't think it was important.

"I am sorry if you would rather not have known."

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"No, I - asked you to explain what went wrong here, I don't rather you hadn't. I just - think we should probably give up on having sex, if you feel that way about it."

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"Okay.

"I - would not have initially described that as my first choice but it will definitely prevent lots of damage that would probably otherwise occur."

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"Well, if you change your mind you can tell me." 

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"If I change my mind about - expecting what we were doing to harm me if we return to it?"

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"Or - not having any ideas about anything that wouldn't."

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"Oh, I had ideas, I just didn't expect you to respond positively to any of them.

"Although at this point it will probably be harder to get any of them to work. If you actually want to stop having any sex that harms me, then it will probably take - a long while, even to get back to where we were at the beginning of this."

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"I think I'd rather just say we're not doing that then spend several hours every day trying to do it right and then learn actually I did it wrong. Maybe we can reconsider in a couple years or something."

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"Okay. Sure."

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"It's not because I don't want you. It's because I do so it hurts a lot to try my best and have it not be good enough."

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"That makes sense.

"Although, in case you haven't realized this, at this point making progress wouldn't look like having sex. It would look like - practicing being okay with any sort of contact at all."

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"Is this okay? Talking?"

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"I am intellectually very concerned that you're going to take all of the information I'm giving you and use it to do something horrible, but I haven't unlocked the part of me whose job it was to actually care about and attempt to prevent that. And you said you wanted this.

"I - think it will be helpful if it gives you enough information that you can hurt me less than you have been."

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"That is what I am trying to do."

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"I think we should keep talking until you have a better understanding of how you've damaged me in the past. That should make it less likely for you to harm me in the future, assuming you're trying not to. This - I don't know exactly how I feel about this but it isn't making it harder to think or giving me a suppressed sense of panic or anything."

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"Okay."

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"Do you - want a list of the worst things, or - I don't want to just start complaining about things if that's not what you want to hear - "

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"I - asked you to try to get better and you thought this would help. So probably you should do it."

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"Okay.

"Sex, obviously. Basically everything related to the way we had sex, hugely destructive and insanity-inducing. Dismissing me as soon as I woke up in the middle of the night. I was really sleep deprived for a really long time, although I think the ring of sustenance has mostly fixed that. Using the word 'dismissed' at all, especially when I was naked in your bed. It's a very petty one, but it made me feel like a slave. Like a slave who existed for you to have sex with. Which made everything else worse.

"Using charm person. Using - I don't know how to count euphoric tranquility, on the one hand it was very important for limiting the pain somewhat and for staving off the conclusion that you just flatly enjoyed hurting me, and on the other hand I hated the person I was during it and I hated feeling like you liked her better than any of the versions of me that could think. - I think probably I don't hold it against you, but that it would be dishonest to claim that using it as often as we have hasn't had tradeoffs.

"Walking to dinner every day. Not knowing whether it would be an insult not to use your presents. Feeling like the only thing you loved about me was my capacity to endure suffering.

"There are also - the rules I came up with, but I don't know how to attribute them to any specific actions you took. I was watching your moods very closely, and may have over-interpreted them. I think - we will have to dismantle them, if you want me to return to someone closer to who I was. But that's harder, and can't be done in a day."

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"I only did Charm Person once because you were - barely conscious and I didn't know what to do. ...what was wrong with walking to dinner? Why would I even know if you use your presents?"

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"Walking really hurts. And I don't know, I thought you might talk to me about the books and be upset or disappointed if I hadn't read them.

"The charm person was - I think I mostly feel that I should point out that I can't go back to being me very well if I'm being taped together and taken apart with enchantments. But not everything that damages me in any way is necessarily a bad decision."

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