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Abadar uses a helm of opposite alignment on Hagan and a bad time is had by all
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"That makes sense."

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"So I do not think the thing you are doing will accomplish your goal, but I do think you can accomplish your goal."

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"I am not sure that I can feel feelings and also hold conversations without crying."

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"That makes sense. But this is your time to practice, see if you can figure it out, without having to deal with him."

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"I think I tried it for a couple weeks and it was awful.

 

"I don't know if I can be a good mother, but I don't think the thing I need to be one is... excitement."

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"What do you think you need?"

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"Determination.

"...and maybe a simple memorized list of things that children need so that I can tread water even when my mind isn't working right."

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"One of the things children need is, uh, being loved."

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"Don't need feelings to love them. Loving babies is somewhere else."

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"If you're sure. And - teaching older children, how to live in this place, who to trust and how to be polite and how to stay out of trouble -"

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"I don't know any of those things."

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"I noticed. But they'll need to."

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"I don't - know if there's enough of me left to learn those things."

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"I think there's all of you left. Just- hard to get at, maybe."

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"I don't know that I should go looking."

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"Because you'll be scared again?"

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"I don't think this is the least functional I can be."

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"What are you scared will happen if you get less functional?"

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"There is presumably some point at which I am no longer capable of mothering an infant at all. Or of asking for things in twenty years."

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"It...kind of seems like you are at that point?"

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"I think it can get worse."

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She's still not at the point where she feels any particular need to do things, so if Zakiya doesn't continue the conversation she's just gonna stare at the wall indefinitely.

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She can't think of anything else to say so she'll go back to tidying.

 

 

A few minutes later the pharaoh walks in and she flattens herself to the floor, silently.

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"Hey," he says to his wife. "The doctors thought it'd be all right if I visited as long as I did not excite you too much. So - I will be very boring, all right?" He tries to smile but does not succeed.

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