I am not inconvenienced by you being attracted to me.

Okay.

It's not quite inconvenience that's the problem, but close enough. He closes his eyes for a moment and un-forbids the relevant thoughts. (He doesn't check first if he'd still want to do that without the trust songs, and he sort of half-notices that fucking with his head while on trust songs could be considered inadvisable, but he decided to let himself trust Maitimo exactly as much as he feels like, and he's not about to reconsider that decision.)

...and, yep, now he really really wants Maitimo to fuck him. Wow. Trust songs are amazing. He still feels a little fucked up from the aftermath of the flashback incident, and it just doesn't even matter at all, it's barely noticeable and certainly not getting in his way. He loves Maitimo so so much, and he wants to be his.

You are. I decided that a while ago. My hangups lie elsewhere. Kiss.

Kissing Maitimo is so lovely. Maitimo is so lovely.

Hangups...?

I've spent the last decade acutely aware that getting involved with anyone would be taken as provocation, and I miss my Findekáno and want him back, and you're so - the ways I hurt you are complicated enough I might do it by accident -

I trust you, he says, with only a little irony. I love you. I want you. And I can be very very patient if that's what you need from me, and I can be okay when you hurt me, if that's what you need from me. I want to be whatever you need. I want to be your gift and I want to be a better one than either of us can imagine.

Snuggle. Kiss.

...he remembers soul contact on trust songs - he remembers what you get if you let the trust song fade partway through the soul contact - and it's fascinating to watch his own thoughts on that, because he wants Maitimo to touch his soul and he doesn't want the cascade and yet he isn't afraid of it at all, he trusts Maitimo - and he can recognize that it's blatantly not true that Maitimo would never hurt him, but that's still what he feels - and under that, he feels that even if Maitimo did hurt him, it would be okay, he'd be fine, he wouldn't really be hurt, because it's Maitimo. Trust songs are kind of fucked up. In the best way possible. He loves this feeling so much, and he loves Maitimo for giving it to him.

You'd feel that way about anyone. Thauron could do this to you. Kiss.

Kiss. My one complaint about trust songs, he sighs, is that I can't be afraid of you when you say things like that. Ruins the thrill.

But no, actually, he's pretty sure his soul would intervene if someone tried to do this to him whom he did not genuinely trust. And he's perfectly capable of messing with his head until he disregards the feeling, he just doesn't want to because it feels great, and he doesn't have to because he has legitimate reasons to believe that Maitimo isn't going to take advantage of it except perhaps in the good way if he's lucky.

I really want you to touch my soul, he says. And I really want you to fuck me. Maybe both at once, that'd be fun, even though I couldn't feel it, I'd still be able to tell afterward, and you could show me what I was like... I love you, you're so beautiful, I love that you can do this to me, if we had the time I'd want you to keep me like this for a week straight... I want you to carve your name in me, I want to be yours forever... love you, love you so much, I'm so glad they made me for you, there's nothing I could be doing with my life that would be better than this.

I don't think that's a usual song side effect either.

What, wanting all those things? I want all those things anyway. But - there's something to that, yeah, being on trust songs makes me want - I don't quite know how to put it -

But he suspects Maitimo is likely to be curious, so he tries to figure out how to articulate the underlying drive.

...I trust you so much, and - I want you to use that, I want it to matter - I don't want you to hurt me, but I want the reason I'm not hurt to be because I love you and trust you and want you and feel safe with you - I want you to do things that would hurt me, if it was anyone else doing them - I love you and I want that to mean something. Otherwise you're just getting me high. Which, well, you won't catch me complaining, getting high on trust songs is one of the best feelings in the world, but - it's less than it could be.

You are the most fascinatingly bizarre person I have ever known. Fine. ...also we need to get your soul in self-resurrection condition, I can have more fun that way.

I love you so much, Maitimo. You're amazing. I want you to have all the fun with me you want.

It's weird and sort of disappointing not to be afraid of the thought of Maitimo doing things to him that he'll need to be immortal to survive, but it's still enjoyable in its own way. He loves trusting Maitimo this much. It's the most beautiful thing he can imagine. And he wants Maitimo to make good use of that trust.

He switches songs. He pulls Taliar's shirt off and kisses him and waits for the moment when they're both in effect at once -

He doesn't recognize that song, but he can guess that it's magic and he looks forward to finding out what it does -

- and then -

- at first he doesn't even understand what's happening to him. He can't wrap his head around it at all. Something is definitely horribly wrong with the world but he can't tell what it is, he just knows that his mind is missing some deeply fundamental piece - and he starts laughing, fondly, because in what way does this qualify as not hurting him, come on - it's okay though, he still loves Maitimo, still trusts him, still wants him to have all the fun he likes -

...oh that's the thing that's missing. People. He's missing people. There's someone here and he doesn't know who they are and he can't figure it out and when he tries his mind just flails helplessly, he can't pay any attention to anything that might be a person because if he does he's immediately sucked into an endless spiral of aching confusion.

Okay. That's fine. He's not afraid. He's still gloriously high on trust. If this is what Maitimo wants from him, he's happy to give it.

Maitimo kisses him and picks up his soul.

His mind floods with trust and comfort and love, and the identity song can't stop him from recognizing Maitimo's touch on his soul, and it's the best thing in the world, he loves Maitimo so much, it feels so perfect, it's glorious, it's everything he's ever wanted, intense and intimate and utterly euphoric...

...and on the flip side, the trust song can't stop him from feeling the intense unbearable mind-shattering agony of - not just soul contact with strangers, he hasn't felt that but he can tell it wouldn't be like this, this is much too big, too alien, it's - the essence of strangers, it's something too vast and awful to fully comprehend -

- it feels like he's being pulled apart, torn in half between this joy and this pain, comfort and terror, trust and violation -

- he loves Maitimo so much, and he is deeply, fiercely, painfully happy to be having this experience because it's Maitimo doing it to him and Maitimo must be enjoying it immensely.

Yes, definitely! He stops singing and waits for them to wear off one at a time, this is fascinating.

The trust song cuts out first. The half of him that can feel Maitimo's touch on his soul goes into cascade. Pain, and terror, and happiness, and pain, and love, and trust, and pain, and pain, and pain...

...and then the identity song cuts out too, and the cascade shatters into a thousand thousand pieces, every one of them separately occupying the same incomprehensible scale as the essence-of-strangers feeling that is now thankfully absent.

His mind is barely recognizable. Every part of this vast and shattered thing is him, but the way it's put together is nothing like anything he's ever felt, anything he's ever been. It's incredible. It's terrifying. It's wonderful. It's amazing. He loves Maitimo for doing this to him, and that love is filling his soul a thousand times over in a thousand variations, alongside pain and fear and joy and trust and comfort and the determination to endure, and all the shades in between.

Awwww. Half an hour, or so, while he strokes his hair and idly writes a letter, and then he lets go of his soul.

For a while afterward he's totally blank, totally empty, his mind just isn't doing anything at all -

- and the first thing that comes back - before his senses, before his thoughts - before he remembers what laughter is, he's laughing. The rest follows after.

I love you, Maitimo. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

And he sends it to him, in exquisite eidetic-memory-necklace detail, what it was like - you really are fascinating -

Oh. Oh wow. Oh that's amazing - the way you see me, it's - I love that I fascinate you this much, it's so good, I feel so incredibly fucking successful right now -

Kiss. Now I want you. Can you move at all?

He tries moving.

...not really, no. I hope that's okay.

Personally he thinks it's kind of hot, but he can see how it might be inconvenient.

He laughs. Not a drawback at all.