He cries for a while; eventually the tears slow, then stop.

He did choose this. He can get through it. If Maitimo is listening to this, Raika-seren sincerely hopes he's enjoying it. He is here to be a gift. That means that Maitimo can do whatever he wants with him, and Raika-seren will cooperate as fully as he can and then find a way to be okay afterward. It means that his entire purpose - the purpose of him being here, the purpose of him existing - is to bring joy and delight and fascination to Maitimo's life in whatever ways Maitimo wants, so he's going to do that, no matter the cost to himself, and then deal with those costs in his own time.

He loves Maitimo. It hurts a little, loving someone who does such awful things to him, but he does. And... he doesn't mind. He isn't angry, he doesn't feel betrayed. Maitimo wanted something from him and Raika-seren gave it to him willingly and now he is in a lot of pain but he accepts that, he's okay with that, he knew it was going to happen and he did it anyway. He prefers this pain to the pain of being completely ignored. And if Maitimo decides to go back to completely ignoring him, then he'll handle that too.

Elaneth-imire was right. This is something that no one in their right mind would willingly do. By any reasonable standard it's outrageously unfair. But Raika-seren doesn't have to care about anyone's standards but his own, and he thinks it's worth it. It's worth it even if Maitimo never likes him, even if Maitimo treats him like this for a hundred years and then sends him back to his alt; it's worth it just to give Maitimo the chance to have what Tivarante has with Elaneth-imire, even if he rejects that chance.

He sniffles; he rubs his face; he pokes his head out from under his blanket and resettles himself. He still feels very, very fucked up, but he's on top of it now, he could function normally if he had to.

Maitimo clearly has a very high opinion of his resilience. And his regard is clearly justified. That was incredibly awful, and here he is, already putting himself back together, already well on his way to recovering.

He can't tell himself that it won't happen again. He can't even tell himself that he'll get a choice every time; he might not. There's no easy way to make himself feel safe. But he did make a choice. He does think this was worth it. He is glad to have done this for Maitimo, and he hopes Maitimo enjoyed it. From an impartial perspective it's monstrously unfair to suffer so much for Maitimo's entertainment, monstrously unfair to have all his dedication be rewarded with a combination of torture and emotional neglect, monstrously unfair to do all this for someone who doesn't even like him - but it's his own perspective that matters in deciding which of the things that happen to him are okay, and he is okay with this. Really and truly okay with it.

It might happen again, and he might not get a choice next time... and he'll still think it was worth it, he'll still love Maitimo, he'll still - be okay with it, even when he is very much not okay. If Maitimo came into his room right now and handed him a bouquet of daffodils and then told him to take off his clothes, he'd do it. And he trusts that Maitimo wouldn't do that if Maitimo didn't expect him to recover. That's a kind of safety. Knowing that while awful things might happen to him, they will be things he ultimately chose to allow, and they will never be more than he can take.

The feeling of sick horror lingers, but it's lost its edge, it's just an experience he's having, it's not in control of him anymore. He gets up and washes his face and changes into clothes he hasn't spent two hours crying in, and he finds something to eat and then goes back to work.

...all right, he says. I'm impressed.

...he giggles.

I love you, he says happily.

So I am very aware. I - see the appeal.

Well now Raika-seren feels all warm and proud and accomplished.

I'm glad.

I do not intend to torture and neglect you for a century and then send you home.

Okay.

He's glad of that too, of course. But he is serenely certain that even if Maitimo did do that, it wouldn't lead him to regret his choices.

He has someone take Esarkan the letter.

Esarkan sends back a terse note thanking him for the suggestion and expressing an intent to get his hands on the healing and share it with Independence once he has it.

This was more or less the expected result. 

Raika-seren Taliar contentedly manufactures eidetic memory necklaces. It's interesting how the trauma and the warm glow of pride and affection can so comfortably coexist, but he sets them both aside to focus on the work.

He has him brought to him again in the evening.

He could speculate about what Maitimo wants with him. He doesn't. He is presumably going to find out.

"Hi."

"Have something to eat."

Okay, he can do that.

Maitimo is being very - mysterious? Uncommunicative? Something in that area. But that is fine. Raika-seren doesn't mind. He eats, and he contentedly thinks about how beautiful Maitimo is and how much he loves him.

"It's odd to have someone care more about me than I do about them, I'm used to having it the other way, and you do so much on so little input that I'm disinclined to force any."

He smiles.

"Okay," he says. "That makes sense. I love you."

"So I am very acutely aware. Your criteria are very strange for that."

"What do you mean?"

"There are virtuous versions of me out there, didn't you hear about that?"

"Yes, you've mentioned. I would probably fall in love with them too if I met them. Dawn-shining might make a fork for one if any were interested. But I don't prefer them to you, and I don't see why I should."

"Are you actually indifferent to your own happiness?"

He laughs. "No. I like being happy. It's just that being happy always always always takes second place to being - me. So, sure, I'd be happier if you were nicer to me, if you liked me, if you hurt me adoringly instead of indifferently. I'd prefer that to what I'm getting. But overcoming challenges is satisfying and giving nice things to the people I care about is rewarding and doing my level best to accomplish the impossible is fulfilling, and if I don't do this, who the fuck else is ever going to be crazy enough? No reasonable person would do what I'm doing, and I am deeply proud to be this unreasonable. I would like it if you were nicer to me, but I can handle the fact that you aren't, and it is worth it."

"And trying not to exalt your soul lest I feel threatened by it."

"Yes, I am doing that, and it is also worth it."