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Nov 22, 2019 4:35 AM
in which karen teller saves expat fairy celegorm from zombies
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Okay, maybe it's technically a bad decision in terms of, like, some people would be missing out, but at least it won't have any disastrous consequences? Having sex anyway is not really a disastrous consequence of this decision because if you'd made the other decision then you would have had sex anyway. 

For some reason her brain doesn't think any of the stuff about not enjoying things applies if you're trying to have kids. People who want to have kids are allowed to enjoy sex. Maybe this is leftover Catholicism or something. She wishes her feelings on this topic made any sense.

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Snuggle. 

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Snuggle.

 

 

Probably her problem is that she had one set of beliefs about sex when she was Evangelical, and they were terrible, and she had a different set of beliefs about sex when she was Catholic, and she didn't think they were terrible but she does think there's probably no reason to assume the rules are correct if most of Catholicism is made up, and secular people have a different set of rules that kind of make sense and are maybe kind of exciting but also seem kind of hollow and soul-eating compared to the Catholic ones, and she doesn't really know what you're supposed to think about sex if you're a witch, and so she doesn't have anything to aim for anymore, and at the same time she constantly feels kind of stupid about not knowing what she wants and wanting things she doesn't take and thinking about taking things she isn't sure if she wants.

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...pat pat pat pat? 

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Sigh.

 

...is there, like, a thing that he... wants their relationship to look like. If that makes sense as a line of inquiry.

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He wants them to go to lots of different universes and have awesome adventures and rescue animals and help people but not in a kidnappy way until they know how to make that not weird. And people will look at him and want him because he's pretty and good at things and doing lots of cool stuff and she will go "no you can't have him he's mine" and - like, he thinks about sex a lot kind of because of all of the trying not to and kind of because they could and it'd be really nice and wonderful but if that's not what she wants then that's not what she wants, that's life, though it'd suck if she wanted it from someone else, though like, obviously if that's how she eventually feels then so it goes, really. He wouldn't leave or anything.

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...snuggle. He's adorable. She's not going to have sex with someone else while she's got him, that'd be kind of absurd. At least she feels like it would be. She's never even wanted to kiss anyone else, and he's, like, important to her, and hers, and incredible, and stuff, so even if she did eventually have feelings for someone else she can't really imagine wanting them so much that she'd make him deal with her having sex with other people, that sounds like a horrible thing to do to someone?

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- no not really? He'd be sad about it, but sometimes it's perfectly reasonable to do things that other people'd be sad about? And he wouldn't be, like, sad about it forever, it'd just make him very aware that he didn't have the kind of body she wanted and it'd take him a bit to figure out some stuff but she's thinking of it as a much bigger deal than it would be, really. Like, what if she'd happened to be exclusively into girls, then he'd still love her but obviously they'd not do sex stuff and he wouldn't want her to never have anyone on his account. 

 

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...okay but if she'd happened to be exclusively into girls then they would not have ended up being romantically involved or whatever in the first place, that's different. She's not gonna - she's not sure if you still call it cheating if you're open about what you're doing, but, like, she's with him, she's not gonna suddenly decide to do things with other people and just make him tank that? - also even if any of this happened she is pretty sure it could not possibly have anything to do with his body because he is like the prettiest person she has ever seen.

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Happy wiggle. He feels vaguely uncomfortable about her - not promising exactly but very firmly intending - not to have sex with other people because he just doesn't actually have the right to opinions about that and she's taking his sadness kind of too seriously but it's awfully sweet. She's so sweet. And good and wonderful. Andddd he should probably have noticed before this that the not wanting sex was not about him but he hadn't, actually, noticed that, and now he's happy about the fact it's not about him.

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Of course it's not about him!!! Her feelings about having sex with him are conflicted, okay, but like, in contrast to everyone else, where there's nothing for the not wanting to to be in conflict with. She's just - kind of a mess in this area. Probably in a lot of areas but especially this one.

She sort of feels like - maybe this is silly, but - if you have sex with someone you're in love with for the first time then it should be a really really wonderful experience. And she feels like if they did it now it maybe wouldn't actually be wonderful, it'd be -  made of the wrong pieces, or not happening for the right reasons, or something, she's really bad at reaching for what she means, here. But - she wants it to be really really nice, when it happens. And she's not sure she feels like that yet. She's not really sure what she'd need for that to change, but - maybe they shouldn't do it until it has.

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Well obviously they shouldn't if she thinks it won't be the thing she wants, yeah. 

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Knowing what she wants is hard. She wants things to be - correct. And nice. She feels like if they're correct they will definitely also be nice. But what if there isn't a correct and that means she can't have it.

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Probably some dimension has the thing she's looking for. There can't be only the three options of the Protestants and the Catholics and the Seculars did he get those words right of all of the ways that people could decide how they're going to have sex. Well or fairies. But she doesn't seem inclined to go with how fairies do it.

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She is pretty sure that if a correct way of doing things exists it involves consent in some way. Also apparently fairies think it is totally fine to have someone and tell them that they're not allowed to have sex even if they want to, and then also go and have sex with other people yourself, even though this will make them sad. And that's dumb. Whatever she figures out has to be good for both of them if it's going to be good for her. Or hypothetically they could break up but she does not really want this to happen at all ever, even though of course they're not married or anything so he could break up with her and leave at any time and she would respect that, even though it would make her pretty sad and upset.

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They're not married but 'not married or anything' feels inaccurate because he is her slave for more than half the value of his life and absolutely cannot leave any time and is fine with that. Fairies are possibly okay with some things that are actually bad, but he doesn't think 'keeping a slave and having sex with other people' is one of them regardless of how you've instructed the slave because, like, it really has nothing to do with the slave unless you make him participate - this is probably a line of thought that will distress her again ugh -

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Well insofar as it's okay to keep slaves and not be in romantic relationships with them yeah, probably, but - wanting people you're in love with who are in love with you to not have sex with other people is totally normal, actually, almost everyone expects that? And - she could break up with him and be with someone else but she wouldn't want to make him deal with that, being enslaved to your ex-girlfriend who you are still in love with and who doesn't love you anymore just seems like a horrible situation to be in??

And - he really can go if he wants that, she'd set him even and let him go if he really wanted, because - maybe it's the inverse of the thing where he finds it important to expect less of her than he gets so he isn't ever disappointed if she needs to lean on him harder than usual? It's like - it's important to her that he's choosing to be hers because he likes it, and that if it ever becomes really bad for him he can ask her to go, and she has the power to refuse to let him but she doesn't have the right, really, she doesn't - if he made a commitment or a serious declaration of intent, or whatever, to stay with her forever, she'd hold him to that, but - saving his life was, like, an accident of fate and stuff, it shouldn't - it shouldn't actually mean that his needs are worth less than hers if this situation is bad for him - 

- maybe that's all a mess, again, does it help to just say that she loves him and she doesn't even really expect this to be much of a sacrifice anyway and that their relationship would be shaped worse, would be less the thing she wants, if she were allowed to cheat on him and he didn't feel like he got to complain about that - 

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I mean, if she dumped him that would make him vastly more sad than if she picked up someone else so it just seems odd to say that it's okay for her to do one but not the other? The thing about not wanting to is fine, she doesn't have to want to, just - the same way she wants him to be able to walk away if he wanted to he wants her to be able to do whatever she wants to. Which is maybe a dumb analogy since he doesn't want to be able to walk away or maybe that makes it a better analogy, who knows.

Snuggle.

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Well she's not gonna date multiple people, that's - is there actually anything wrong with that? - this is too confusing for three AM. She's allowed to kiss whoever and he's allowed to leave and neither of them is actually going to do these things because their honor or something prevents it and that's fine, probably. It's kind of a weird way for a serious relationship to be shaped long-term but maybe they're too young or too inexperienced or too something to have figured out how to have one of those anyway. They can - figure more stuff out as they go.

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Yeah. That sounds good.

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Snuggle. What a good sexy fairy she has.

...she should probably turn off the telepathy before going back to sleep, so he doesn't have to deal with any more nightmares?

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He doesn't mind if it doesn't bother her....though it might mean he doesn't sleep much? This one woke him up. Maybe it wouldn't have done that if he'd known it was normal.

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It seems pretty bad to distress him extra if he doesn't have to be distressed? They could try it one more time if he wanted to test it, but it seems pretty - maybe she was subconsciously hoping they would share dreams and shared dreams would be way nicer, but maybe that doesn't happen, it was maybe kind of silly to expect it to -

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Maybe if they keep sharing dreams they'll get magic for it.

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Ooooh. That sounds neat. Although she is currently trying to do healing stuff still.

Well it's up to him whether he wants to try it again and risk not getting very much sleep. 

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