"And he's all right with it?"

"...to some extent. He doesn't want it to be the case that we need to be together for me to be alright—and I don't, either." Even if the prospect of not being with Haru makes him want to throw himself out the window. "But if I can get there some way that relies on him that's not objectionable in principle." Lol. Lmao.

"That's good, then. But you've been with him for - less than two months, unless my file's wrong?"

"Yeah." He KNOWS it's ridiculous, okay, you don't need to point that out.

"So this strategy is new to you."

"Yeah."

"What makes it better than your previous approach?"

"My previous approach did not involve me actually being okay with not being in control."

"And instead...?"

He'd still rather not talk about what he did instead right now.

"And instead I obsessed—obsess—with figuring out the best way to be charming or funny or interesting or likeable, I'm constantly conscious of what people are feeling and thinking and how they could be interpreting me, I'm constantly tracking the way people seem to feel about me and trying to adjust everything I do or say to try to get the impression I want."

"Hm. Is it satisfying, when you succeed?"

"Yes." Or something like satisfying.

...

...................

"No. Not exactly. It's something like satisfying. But it's probably better to say that it's... correct."

"Correct?"

"It's correct for people to see me the way I want them to. It's the way things should be. It's... less vulnerable."

"Vulnerable to what?"

Shrug.

"Them saying something? Doing something? Just thinking something?"

"Both 'yes' and 'no' sound incorrect about all of those. ...forming an impression, I suppose, and so being—causing problems. Making it harder to—do things. I can do more things if people like me?" That's not... all of it... but it certainly is a part of it.

"What kinds of things do you most worry about being able to do?"

"I don't. Really. But I know that if a guy who knows a guy owes me a favour then I have a guy who knows a guy."

"A guy who can do... what?"

"Get me a last-minute reservation at a fancy hotel or restaurant. Find details about an esper I'm looking into to maybe hire." Lol. "Get me an in with a research department studying a promising dungeon material. Just say my name in positive tones around people who might be feeling generously disposed. It's like having hands, what do you do with your hands, well, everything hands can do."

She nods thoughtfully. "And when you can't have the control over your reputation that you want, it feels - crippling, to extend the analogy?"

"...yeah, something like that, I suppose."

"Are you looking more towards seeking control less in the first place, or coping more gracefully with situations where you fail to get it?"