The dungeon is in Korea, but as an esper with a pretty specialised power niche Haru is used to occasionally having to go international for these dungeons, and the fact that he already speaks Korean is definitely a bonus. The espers he's going to be working with are all in Quasar Guild, which is the largest one in Korea and which has just recently acquired a very powerful teleportation esper, one whose power can be stored in batteries Quasar also happened to already have in its possession, so they're covering the teleportation cost for Haru to get there.
He's not completely sure his Korean is up to emergency dungeon shit but there's not really a way to find out besides live fire situations, because for some reason nobody does drills. Haru doesn't know why they don't do drills. They'd be great, they could play paintball pretending it was a dungeon and then go eat karaage about it afterwards. ...that's the backlash talking but he's still good to go, he can't insist on sitting with poor Yamanaka long enough to turn into not only a sane person but a sane person who specifically doesn't want to play paintball and go to a restaurant with his pals. Lots of sane people like those things.
Anyway, here he is! Is he on scouting duty or is there psychic shit or both?
Both, though the pre-briefing document he got was somewhat sparse on the details due to the dungeon having upgraded to emergency status pretty quickly and also due to it being apparently really hard to safely scout due to very violent monsters.
The dungeon is in Gangwon-do, which is a popular touristic spot in January with numerous famous ski resorts, which means it's managed to kidnap quite a few people, not all of whom are locals, and that kind of thing always has the potential to turn really ugly really fast. When Haru gets there, the dungeon portal—a pitch-black circle floating above the ground, its edges glowing red and swaying and crackling ominously—is already surrounded by yellow tape, the support staff's tents are already up, and the rest of his team's on site: aforementioned teleporter, an A-rank battlefield control and combat esper, and a B-rank melee combat esper who is also the team lead for this expedition.
Can he nonverbally talk this guy into a fist-bump instead. Espers should introduce themselves with fistbumps. It's lower commitment than a handshake and gets across what needs to get across (the seating arrangements for passive guiding via elbow-bumping when they all go get karaage debrief after). "That's me, nice to meet you," he's specifically not amazing at honorifics, he's gotten the hang of the Japanese ones well enough since he's lived there for most of his life at this point but the entire concept is weird and unintuitive to him, he doesn't even call his parents Mom and Dad when they're not actively listening to him do it. Is shi one of the reciprocal ones. "What do you need to know, what do I need to know?"
Okay, the fist bump is, in Yoo-min's opinion, a perfect excuse to drop some of the formal tone. "I read your file and I'm gonna ask you to tell me everything about your powers in your own words but you seem like exactly what we need here. Lemme get you up to speed on all of us, though.
"My powers are touch-range lightning generation, as well as lightning absorption and redirection. My partner Choi Seungjoo—"
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Swan Haru-shi," says a boy about the same age as Haru, with very long light-green hair tied in a ponytail and brown eyes behind large round thin-rimmed glasses. "Please forgive my sunbae his tone, he's a bit too used to only talking to people he knows."
"I'm secretly Canadian. I thrive on informality." Do these additional people also want fistbumps? Haru has two hands. "Being the best teleporter on the planet is very cool, unless you only got that way because the better ones are hanging out on Mars without you, but somehow I suspect otherwise."
"If I don't want something to perceive me or touch me I get my way. I will not usually go around being invisible to you but I could if I wanted; my usual dungeon function is to go poke around their insides without them knowing I'm at it. This is cheapest in terms of sensory and psychic contact I want to avoid but I can at greater expense fly, if I really don't wanna have to touch the dungeon even on the floor. So for very reactive or psychic dungeons that will mess with people when it spots them I'm a good scout-slash-infiltrator. Also my extremely public backlash is that I get lonesome as fuck so if I heroically swoop in to save anybody they have to like pitch me on their favorite anime or something till I can go home to my partner and monstercat."
"—right! Distracted, Haru can tell me all about monstercat afterwards.
"Anyway, this dungeon is a leeeeeettle bit of a headache for approximately everyone because the sensors have been having one hell of a time with it. It's mazelike, and it has monsters, and the monsters seem chill, but they're actually really bashful and shy: if you look at them, or sense them, or whatever, they go from chill to unchill faster than you can say 'minotaur'. We've had a buncha sensors go in to try to look and as soon as they perceived a monster using whatever senses they're using the monster would immediately rush them. We've also tried other stealth espers and the monsters noticed them too! Which is why you're perfect, you can stealth and they won't see you looking!
"The dungeon's just as lonely as you, though, if substantially less ethical about it than you are, and it's kidnapped a bunch of people. Whom we can't find. Because of the monsters."
"Yep! Great minds think alike, it seems! My main idea for what you could do would be scout and map as much as you can, leaving relays behind that we can use to create a proper map of the place using the arcane sorceries we call 'maths'. Once you've got a good overview of the dungeon and have found the kidnapped civilians the three of us are going in. Woo-young, overview of your powers, please?"
"Not if I don't know where the reference is, myself. —or, yes, in theory, but the backlash cost grows really fast the less I know about where the target is. I'm—kind of new, I've only been at this a couple of months, so we haven't tested my power that extensively yet, but some preliminary testing's gotten me bedridden with a single teleport because of that. Uh, because my backlash is losing motor ability."
"Doodads ready! Should be in your inventory. Also there's a second kind of doodad if you happen to find a kidnap victim that'll make it easier for Woo-young to TP them. ...or so we hope. Field testing! Worst-case the map itself will still be good enough.
"So, if you've got no more questions, then godspeed and please don't die on us, we'll be poking our heads in every couple of minutes to check if you left us any messages or are in dire danger but the portal surroundings are very dangerous so we can't leave anyone inside too long."
It's sunny in the dungeon. The sky is blue, there is birdsong just out of sight, and ground is grassy and there are flowers and shrubs. He is in the center of a large circular room with stone walls about twice as tall as he is split by irregular gaps leading out into proper mazelike corridors going around in spirals.
And the monsters are, indeed, right there. They're made of the same stone the walls are, large minotaur-shaped golems patrolling the corridors, visible through the gaps in the walls at regular intervals. They move surprisingly quietly for animated statues that large, but as soon as Haru looks at any one of them he can feel the mounting pressure of his backlash.
He is going to have to show that guy so many fucking cat pictures. Maybe get Cricket on a video call. That's a terrible idea because Cricket hates everyone but maybe this time he'd get along with a new person??
He wants to get through here quickly and not become lost; he'll fly for a second to get on top of a wall so he can run and not have to try to left-hand-rule his way through the optional physics zone. Unfortunately, because of the optional physics zone, the wall Alice-in-Wonderlands out of his reach. He gives up and touches down again. Through the maze it will have to be.
The pressure of the minotaurs on him diminishes if he doesn't look at them, and is gone altogether if he renders himself completely incapable of perceiving them, such as by covering his eyes and ears well enough. Of course, that'd defeat the purpose, so he'll have to deal with minotaurs that really want to pick his brains re. whether he's looking at them.
It is, otherwise, a pretty unremarkable dungeon run for Haru, who is by now probably used to going into situations where he's walking through and past huge supernatural threats that completely ignore him like he doesn't exist or matter. The stone maze theme continues, with occasional environmental hazards like spiked pits and swinging pendulum blades and so on.
The first victim he finds is a young woman in ski clothes trapped behind iron bars at the end of a corridor, in a cell about four square metres in area, with nothing but grass in it. She's been here long enough that the fear got mostly replaced by boredom, and she's sitting on the grass playing on her phone when Haru sees her. There isn't a minotaur directly guarding it, but occasionally one does come into view; it seems to not care that she's seeing it, though.
She looks local, and she shrieks when he appears out of nowhere.
"O-oh," she says, heart hammering nearly through her ribcage. "Th-thank you, esper-nim," she says, standing up to bow to him. "A-are you Korean?" She doesn't think she recognises him, maybe he's an esper that doesn't usually make the news?
"I'll let the support folks know. Kim Jeongtae, Nam Dal-pyeong," typety typety. .........tactically speaking he should not stand around talking to this person till she's teleported out. That's minutes he could be spending mapping instead of indulging his backlash. Any messages or pings or anything on the system indicating how long they're going to take about it?
There are more kidnapping victims, all of them in similar cages, some of them more scared than others, all of them being completely ignored by the monsters. It'll take a while to get to all of them, but once he's about 70% through the best estimates for the number of people this dungeon is thought to have kidnapped he finds the exit to the maze, opening out into a beautiful flowery meadow.
The centaur resting peacefully on the grass, not at all made of stone, looking like it'd be a good three stories tall if it were standing on its hooves, is probably guarding the dungeon core.
Haru doesn't have basically any combat applicable powers. He could have gone in with a rocket launcher, but a) he didn't and b) there's still people in there. He puts down one of the mapper doodads, snaps a picture for his blog, and starts circling back, trying to cover different ground while still heading exitward, because he was very worryingly tempted to introduce himself to the centaur.
"Good morning!" Fistbump? Ha ha the barbarian Canadian actually wants to know which of the people around him can make him less insane, he finds that important information, let's discover it together? "I found most of the folks, not the whole list because it's a literal maze that wouldn't let me overfly it, but they're not really hidden beyond being in a maze."
Okay it would be extremely embarrassing for him to argue with Park Yoo-min about this in front of the stranger (as well as the support staff and the news cameras outside the yellow tape) so he will bump fists, sure.
(They are actually a pretty reasonable amount of compatible.)
(Lee Tae-gun has suddenly understood exactly the purpose of this arcane gesture and might in fact like it.)
He'll talk to reporters! Parasocial's better than nothing and it's often easier to schedule Reading The Comments than it is to schedule real live human beings. He will make sure the folks he tagged with doodads are holding up okay! He will message Yamanaka Junko one (1) emoji which she will be able to decode according to their lookup table to indicate that he is going to show up to the silo to put his feet on her feet within thus and such an expected time frame! He will tell Cricket and his parents that he is unscathed by the dungeon! He will see if the support staff need any stuff they don't have!
Korean reporters are not as used to him as Japanese ones so they're super curious and would love to get some sound bites. Most of them don't even know who he is, really, but they'll take what they can get and espers are usually so reserved, especially Quasar ones, so this is novel.
Is this his first time in Korea? Is he new to Quasar? His Korean is very good for a Japanese person! Oh, he's Canadian? His Korean is even more impressive for a Canadian person! Had he worked with Quasar before? Had he worked with Lee Tae-gun before? What is Lee Tae-gun like? Had he met Quasar's hot new teleporter before? Does Quasar have plans for his teleportation power? Etc etc etc etc.
He's been to Korea once before on vacation with his mom! He's just met all of the lovely folks of Quasar today, but they seem great! Lee Tae-gun didn't talk much but he seems dedicated and goal-oriented, which is what you want in a dungeoneer! The new teleporter is very cool, but Haru doesn't know much about Quasar's plans what with how he mostly operates in Japan and on specialty deployments suited for his powers!
He adopts a magazine smile and waves for the cameras recording and/or taking pictures of him and, once he's successfully transferred Min Woo-young to a proper stretcher from the med team and unconjured the ice, opens the blue holographic screen accessing his computer system and uses it to teleport away.
Here you go! And the blog is only available in English and Japanese so far, translating takes time, but here it is: Eventualities
Eventualities is about dungeons and espers; it's not a fan blog, it's more like an amateur research blog, trying to figure out commonalities and mechanisms and speculating on why the fuck these things happen.
"Sure, absolutely, he only speaks Japanese but if you know the language just be aware that he is extremely impolite to most everyone." He can turn on video and point it at Cricket. "This is Cricket! I got him right after I awakened, another esper was hosting him before that so he wouldn't walk the streets and make people think there was an ongoingly active dungeon spitting out more like him but they did not get along and when I made it known that I thought I needed a cat we were introduced."
"He's from a 4D dungeon that opened near Osaka five years back! They killed it while he was on somebody's roof. He was sort of loitering with the guild, bribed with sashimi for help navigating other 4D dungeons since he can still do that, but he was not the world's most popular co-worker and now when something 4D opens he reports direct to me, even if I don't go inside."
Since Haru is interested in the topic of Dungeons: What The Fuck he has actually already interviewed Cricket a lot about what he remembers from being part of a dungeon (unfortunately, it's not much). There is some security camera footage of Big Cricket, but not a really good picture, since he was, uh, a monster, plausibly trying to eat people, though they don't think he in particular got anybody before the dungeon was slain. No other monsters escaped the same dungeon to compare notes with.
And blah blah blah blah it doesn't even help but he can't concentrate on anything else till he's had longer with his feet on Yamanaka's feet. It would be a lot faster if she wanted to platonically make out. She's O-positive and he's A-positive, so she can give him blood albeit not vice versa, but they save that for when they're in a hurry to get him up and running again.
Eventually he manages to let Yoo-min off the phone.
Jaeha hadn't originally been scheduled for this dungeon but he got specifically and personally requested for the most peculiar of reasons: apparently the psychic effect it's causing on its victims is really hard to clear. There are a couple of espers who managed to go in and not get affected, including this guy with a stealth power that also happens to be able to resist psychic effects fully, but Jaeha is to shield as many people as he can and then save the victims from the persistent feeling that the air is poisonous and they need to hold their breaths until they fall unconscious, or the certainty that they're drowning, or any number of other creative ways the dungeon has found to fuck with them. There are monsters, too, which are being held back some, but they really really need to send in some big guns soon.
It's in Japan, so he'll need a teleport, but he wasn't doing anything else in particular so he might as well.
, oh, a new face! "Hi! Are you the miracle sanity dispenser, I've got another patient for you." Gently placing the person in a lawn chair time; holding your breath till you pass out isn't great but it's not stretcher-and-ambulance dangerous because you start breathing again once you pass out. Fistbump once his hands are free?
He ought to go back to Korea because he'll be even more backlashed and even less personable.
Wo Do-in has been acting unsatisfied and Jaeha expects he'll want to break up as soon as Jaeha gives him an excuse to and not going into isolation after this dungeon would be an excuse.
Jaeha might have just found himself a new partner.
"For someone like you? I have all the time in the world," he says, falling back into the flirting almost subconsciously before he remembers that actually that can backfire horribly and he has no idea what this man is feeling and he can't even change anything—it's fine. He's fine. Flirting is fine. It might make things awkward but it'll be fine.
"Delightful - I hate to tear myself away but there's at least twenty more people in there and if we're not lucky somebody's going to have a plastic bag and cleverly put it over their head -" He shrugs apologetically, takes one step backwards before tearing back off into the dungeon.
"Right back at you." That was a lot of compatibility, right? A lot more than he has with Do-in. And this man is in fact drop-dead gorgeous, and seemed to be responding positively to that tiny bits of flirting... On the other hand, maybe he interpreted it as just being friendly? Homophobes are often extremely clueless. On the other hand, he's an esper, so... "I never caught your name."
"Call me Haru! Unless you're too formal for that in which case Swan or Suwan is fine." That lady looks a little more fucked up than she should; he takes her pulse and waves over a medtech when this is inconclusive. "And you're our miracle sanity dispenser Kang Jaeha, right?"
There are a lot of people in this dungeon, it must have been incredibly hungry. Haru is trying the strategy of talking to the people he's rescuing in spite of them slipping in and out of consciousness for refusing to breathe, by the time he brings in the next one. "You're gonna be okay, sir! This guy here can fix you right up lickety-split, okay, and you will go home and be totally fine!"
"Sir, you were kidnapped by a dungeon," Jaeha explains. "If you'll follow my colleague?" The support staff are here for a—well, for a very large number of reasons, actually, and one of them is handling victims and figuring them out so Jaeha doesn't have to. Hard enough to figure out what to say to the esper guy when he can't use his powers, having to figure out how to sound human to victims sounds awful.
"All better, you'll have a great story to tell at parties," says Haru, clapping his hands and contributing to gesturing the guy support-staff-ward. And then turning to Jaeha - "You're - oh my god, stop me if I try to stay and chat, it's my backlash running the show and it doesn't even help, we will chat after, I'm holding you to that -" Off he runs.
With the espers Kang Jaeha shielded being able to help bring victims out, they can deal with rescuing all of the kidnap victims in short order, and soon after that they can close the dungeon, bringing its core to the portal and destroying it just before stepping out to make sure no one will stay behind. The portal's edges turn green, and one by one the espers that went in leave, looking various levels of bedraggled and tired and backlashed.
Haru is tired and backlashed but absolutely not in a way where he wants to run to Yamanaka's silo. She might actually be there and could certainly get there if he summoned her with the right emoji but Kang Jaeha the Anti-Nightmare is right there and like ninety percent as compatible as Yamanaka is and will have a conversation with him instead of requiring that Haru pretend he not exist the entire time. He bounces right up to Jaeha. "Everybody's safe and it's no longer embarrassingly irresponsible of me to chat you up! Welcome to Japan, is it your first time here?"
Why did he want to chat to this guy again?
Right, backlash compatibility. Also he's cute.
He sh—he cannot actually make this guy see him look like a presentable and normal human being. He is going to need to actually move his face to do that. How does he do that. Come on, Kang Jaeha, you know how to move your face.
"No, I've had lots of assignments here before, though I only visited outside work once. How about you?"
"Twice, vacation with my mother and for that maze dungeon with the minotaurs a while back! I picked up the language because my backlash is that I get lonely and 'language practice conversations' are a good sweet spot - speaking of, can I trouble you for more sanity-dispensing -" hand? Hold his hand please??
"I'm so glad! See, on paper my current partner is perfect, because she has a diametrically opposite problem, but in practice this means that I have to be extremely strict with myself about never acknowledging that she exists where she can hear me, because otherwise she'll panic and kick me out of her silo, which rules out most of the classic options, so we actually recover much slower than you'd think."
Seems to pass muster! Here is a portrait of Cricket. "If you ever meet him you should be warned that he's a dreadful misanthrope, he likes me and almost no one else. Though he did not manage to find anything to complain about the last time I kept Park Yoo-min on the phone for hours - do you know him, I forget what guild you're in, is it also Quasar? -"
Haru giggles. "It was funny, Ren - my mother - got me in touch with the esper community and said that I had announced I had to get a cat and someone was like, do you want this one, please, take him, we can't just kick him out because we need him for the four dimensional dungeons, but he hates us all and we are barely keeping his loyalty with sashimi. So I went to be introduced and said like five words to him and he trotted right up to me and started purring and everyone was so relieved."
"Yep, and he can still navigate them. Sometimes when he's cranky he complains about how flat everything on Earth is. The monsters from that dungeon were all animals that don't normally have wings, with wings, often inflated to giant size and with bonus spines or venom or whatever, Cricket himself was venomous." All of this information is available on his blog and literally does not need to be rehashed. It doesn't even help. But Haru is trying to cooperate with himself because he can be tempted to do some incredibly stupid things while he's badly backlashed and he needs backlashed-Haru to trust the-rest-of-Haru not to sabotage him, even now that the-rest-of-Haru is on the upswing. "Here we are. Can we get a booth, please?" So he can scoot right up next to the miracle sanity dispenser. And have sanity dispensed.
"Yeah, I'd -" Huh, he'd been trying to read the waitress's nametag and she turned away suddenly, he likes making obviously silly guesses about how to read the kanji if there's any ambiguity, if he comes up with something nobody's said before he can often get a laugh - "- I'd be surprised that he isn't physically uncomfortable in 3D space, but I guess he was deployed outside his dungeon here in our 3D world in the first place."
"Yeah, but if you had to run me over with a steamroller before I could meet my future best friend I'd object more than Cricket seems to! Though of course the alternative to being outside his dungeon would have been being inside it and I don't think there's any evidence to support the idea that monsters go on in any way after a dungeon collapses with them inside, same way as we have to declare any humans trapped in such a dungeon dead. So really it was this or nothing and I guess I'd take the steamroller if I had to, I like existing unless I am being heinously irresponsible with my magical powers."
"I try very hard not to get that bad on backlash! I do like three dungeons a week in a normal week and if there's an emergency for which only I am suitable she can donate me blood. But I awakened like everybody else and it turns out I can be so lonely I want to die, it sucks real bad."
"Since I awakened. On a magical level I'm more compatible with her than you, though only by, I wanna say ten percent?, and it's quite important to the guild to have her partnered, she's a speedster who draws monster attention and she can cover a big team by making all the monsters chase her while the other espers do rescues or wreck the core. And I do not, strictly speaking, have to socialize to recover from backlash, I'm really just gobbling up placebos by the fistful over here. She wears heavy-duty headphones and hides under a blanket, and I bother people on the phone and pet Cricket. I think I'm just about an ideal case for her - well, I guess ideal would be someone who could give her blood transfusions and had nurse training so they didn't need to do it in a hospital with medics swarming around, but I'm at least close - but on my end it, uh, could be more comfortable, in the sense that scratching chicken pox is more comfortable. And... could be faster."
"Hm, sort of depends how you unpack 'if you could'. It's very ego-syntonic to be a dungeon-slaying superhero saving lives, of course, and however disquieting it may be that I'm participating in the systematic genocide of however many thousands of proto-Crickets I have at least for the time being come down on the side of pro-dungeonslaying, since, in a nutshell, they started it. But it is very important to me to spend some quality time carrying no backlash at all, to check in with my fully sane and regulated self about how I'm going about all my cool superhero shit, and if I could get there quicker only to immediately go pile it back on again I'm not sure I'd like how that'd work out in a time management sense."
Yeah Jaeha wonders what that's like.
"I think it's normal to do about two dungeons a day and depending on the guiding method that wouldn't be different from a day job in terms of how much free time you have?" Arghhhh now he's coming off as uncertain and insecure. Can he get the wait staff to come here fetch their orders?
Jaeha should not pick the same thing as Haru; he should instead let Haru pick because then he's probably going to pick something he also likes and then when they share he'll have had two things he likes. "Pick something for me? You're the resident, here, I'm sure you know what tastes best better than I do."
"I do so love doing things that are ego-syntonic. Are we talking about me too much, the combination of my actual underlying personality and my backlash sometimes does that and that's not ego-syntonic, tell me about you. Is there anybody you by rights should be texting that all is well - probably not a cat but partner, family, whoever you report to at Juno? Are you private enough about your backlash that you can't tell me in a restaurant even speaking Korean on the off-chance a waiter learned the language?"
"That sucks. - I'm really not casual about every personal thing I know, my partner's name and the fact that she's an esper suffices to find her backlash on Google so I figure it's impossible for it to be a secret and she might have some more complicated preference I could try to compromise with in my need to explain my own situation but in order for me to do that she'd have to tell me about it at all ever, so. ...and that was me stuff again. Sorry. Under all the this thing I'm doing I'm actually really self-centered, it's not my loveliest trait."
At least Haru knows who he is under all the this thing he's doing.
"There are worse flaws and less well-deserving targets," Jaeha says with a shrug. Baseless flattery, of course, they've known each other's names for an hour, and absolutely not the kind of thing that he'd usually try without the possibility for a redo, but, well, he's gotta say something. "I'm not sure what to say on an open prompt like that, though," he temporises, because he, fuck, he has no idea what personality to present. It seems that being mild-mannered and somewhat flirty is working but that's, like, two adjectives, not a whole personality.
It was frankly delusional of him to expect that he'd be able to conjure enough of one to seduce this boy at the end of a work day like this, he really should've taken a raincheck on this and come back when he has more ability to want things.
Their drinks and desserts arrive. "Thank you!" Haru says to the waitress. "Well, you can't be doing psychic dungeon victim rehab all day every day, and especially if you're usually a lot more efficient about getting your guiding in than I am that also can't eat your whole life, what else do you do with your time?"
Anyway. What else does he do with his time. Nothing. He's going to need to conjure up some hobbies. He has a standard list of those that he brings up in casual conversation when he wants to seem normal but most of it doesn't survive the scrutiny of partnership, and something about this boy tells him that he would not appreciate being grossly misled.
Let's temporise a bit more. "I do a lot more active dungeon clearing than victim rehab." Haru seems bookish, Jaeha can figure out book opinions while he talks. "Today was more exception than norm, I actually wasn't scheduled for this at all and this was a third assignment squeezed into my day." Does Jaeha like fiction? He could like fiction but maybe fiction isn't the best thing to like, here.
"...maybe my perspective is skewed by how gently I'm currently scheduled but sending you into dungeons seems... questionable as a resource deployment choice? You are irreplaceable at a life-saving task which can be performed outside of dungeons, like what you did today! I remember reading that for Nightmare you have to go inside for it to work but that's a special Nightmare thing, not standard issue. If you keep taking little risks they add up and then those dungeons that only you can heal people from get to - win, with every single one of those people, until another one of you awakens somewhere, which might happen tomorrow or in twenty years or never."
"I'm not that irreplaceable," he says, lifting his cup to his lips. "There aren't any dungeons that I'm the only one who can heal people from, at least not that I've run into. There... are dungeons where I'm the quickest or most able esper around to do that... But there aren't enough psychic espers manifesting in the world that we can afford to be that picky." He supposes despite Haru's mental shielding he is not primarily a psychic esper.
(Frustration at the mental shielding again.)
"I don't go into dungeons for no reason, anyway; if all I can usefully do is shield espers going in then I do that. Mostly when I go in it's because rescuing people without clearing them of psychic influences is hard or infeasible, or when my other powers are useful."
"Maybe 'irreplaceable' is putting it a little strongly but - if you've ever read memoirs from people who've gotten out of Nightmare, the ones who know, because you in particular and only you in particular un-marked them, that it can't ever take them again, they seem to find that a pretty important feature of the rescue, and people who do get yoinked twice even if they also get rescued twice are kind of more fucked up."
"I can't say I have. Read their memoirs, that is." That sounds horribly depressing what the fuck. Points for bookishness, though. He takes a sip from his coffee and ponders how to proceed from here. This seems to be something Haru cares about, but Jaeha can't just change everything he does after one conversation with a boy he met less than a day ago. Not that he particularly cares, mind you; it would just read as insincere. He's not sure whether he should be pushing back and arguing, and to what extent. He'll try to... play it by ear, and argue like someone who cares.
"For most dungeons, if an esper doesn't go in to clear it, someone else will. Often, someone will be able to go that very same day, if it's not one of the most powerful dungeons." He lowers his coffee again and stabs into the ice cream with his little spoon thoughtfully. "That's not true for the ones I usually go to. Out of the approximately one thousand espers in Korea, twenty-one of us are psychics. If I don't go, there isn't somebody else lined up to go instead. And sometimes that means that they'll go without me, and they'll be able to clear it even then. And maybe they'll be able to rescue everyone, too. But that increases the risk to them, too, and to the kidnap victims.
"You mentioned that the little risks add up. They add up here, too. Nightmare only shows up once every two or three years, but these are dungeons that I'm going to twice a day five to six days a week; there are a lot more of them."
"Maybe it does math out all right, I couldn't say for sure without a closer look at some things. Dungeons are weird and very little effort is put toward making the information we do have available systematically enough to do any research on at all, there's all these private interests refusing to compare notes and of course the understandable focus on each emergency as it presents itself such that it's hard to push for spending energy on data collection, let alone anything outright experimental." Sigh.
Okay he thinks that worked. Cool. Alright.
(aaaah.)
"I don't know if it does," he admits. "You're... right that I don't have numbers. So maybe I'm completely wrong about how the numbers shake out. But Juno hasn't told me to do anything different, so it's at least not so obvious that the higher-ups there would know..."
Oh, dear. Alright, not digging into personal family history right now, then. "I lived in Korea all my life. I travelled a bit before I became an esper but it doesn't really hold a candle to the opportunities available to espers with teleportation. Though, ah, am I showing my age if I say that it wasn't anywhere near as widely available when I manifested as it is now?"
"Poor Ren. I had to phone Charlie - that's my dad - and make him fly here on no notice so that she could have a minute of peace, I was a mess and it was really freaking her out because I was not acting at all like myself. Would you believe that actually I am an introvert?"
"Oh god, I do, don't I, it's awful, I'm trying to cooperate with myself by being pleasant so that I don't wreck all my laboriously cultivated social connections and leave myself up a creek without any placebos to hand but I'm not good at it and I get incredibly in my own head about how many layers of meta up I should be at any given time."
"Just do whatever you wanna do and say whatever you wanna say without worrying about the damage you're doing to our relationship, how about? That way all—versions of you—get the same benefits. If I understand what you meant correctly."
This interaction is much easier than what's been happening so far, surprisingly. He's really not sure why.
"I will see what I can do but I'm out of practice at doing that under field conditions. World champion at figuring out what I wanna do when I'm fully clear and just introspecting alone in my room, but then I go save a few dozen people from a dungeon and it's like giving an Olympic archer a set of juggling clubs."
Well that was forward. He feels like maybe he'd been playing it too safe.
He wants to say something flirty and charming and provocative back but he's on a time crunch and he's backlashed so he'll need to just figure something to say on the fly. "I'm sure we can find other reasons for me to fuck some sense into you." Good? He thinks it was good, maybe.
His partner is gonna get mad if Jaeha fucks someone else rather than go back to their silo to guide him.
Does Jaeha care? He does not. Fucking this boy is going to be so much better guiding than whatever he could get with Wo Do-in.
He can finish his coffee reasonably fast, too—it's just an espresso—and then use the tried-and-true excuse of his partner eating too fast and oh no he got some cake on his chin, Jaeha supposes he'll have to thumb it clean and then lick it off his thumb. Can he turn that into a kiss? Inquiring minds want to know.
If someone gives them a hard time that cannot be managed by simply not giving a fuck about stupid people's opinions, Haru will pick up Jaeha and fly away! He doesn't fly frivolously because nobody's usually available to fuck sense into him afterwards but it's an emergency option!
Condoms are got with a minimum of interest from the proprietor and then it will be a six-stop subway ride, not everyone has as much teleportation ability sloshing around as Korea, Home Of The Best Teleporter On The Planet And Not Because The Better Ones Are On Mars.
"You won't deserve the cancer but you do have the power to reduce the risk!" chirps Haru, tugging Jaeha by their joined hands up the stairs. Haru values his sanity too much to be highly paid for an esper but he did manage to buy his mom a nice non-shoebox sufficiently central to Tokyo for her tastes.
His room might offer more clues about what he's into for Jaeha's perusal! There is a bookshelf; it's got classics from the complete works of Shakespeare to the tale of Genji, and some science fiction. It's got a computer, with a screenshot of Civilization-but-modded-so-it's-fantasy up as the desktop wallpaper. The closet, left halfway open, showcases clothes that are all just about as boring and Western as the ones he's already wearing, but also a yukata in indigo shibori. The bed will be snug but it's a full, not a twin, so they won't be pushing each other onto the floor by accident, and it's got a quilt on it that looks like a souvenir from India or someplace. There is a rug covering most of the floor and it feels squashy, like it's got an unusually thick rug pad under it, and the corners of his desk have foam things glued on them like people get to prevent their toddlers bonking their heads. The curtains are closed and too thick to see much through. The walls are painted dark blue, like the way his eyes look in certain lighting conditions, but the ceiling is white and there's plenty of light to compensate for how the color is trying to eat it up.
Jaeha is way into kissing. He's way into kissing and into getting his hands all over Haru and trying to get Haru's clothes off without taking breaks from the kiss which is approximately impossible but always a ton of fun to try, and more skin available means more places he can kiss, which he also does even though it's less good guiding because, look, he just likes doing it okay.
(Not that the guiding doesn't feel amazing. Fuck Wo Do-in, he hasn't actually ever been with someone was compatible at this and God this feels good.)
Oh good, Haru loves it when he gets to be selfish in bed, it is a profound charity of the world that even though it seems like being on his preferred end of all possible intimate acts should be the universal consensus position of every human being there's actually a lot of variety and he has landed one who wants to nom his neck. (They're not literally in bed yet, they're kind of leaning on the door. Shirts go flying across the room. Maybe now they should be on the bed.)
Yes they should. He really likes this thing where he doesn't have to figure out a normal way to be because he can just be horny instead. All decisions are easy, just do whatever makes pretty boys moan, touch them and kiss them and bite them, grind against them and play with their bodies. Shirts are off but surely they won't stop there, right? Surely Haru will let him get his hands more places?
Hmmm yeah those are for later he's back to kissing now because fluid exchange ahoy, he knows for a fact making out with people you're not this compatible with just feels a lot less nice in itself and, and he thinks he can feel it, too. He might be making it up in his head but he thinks he can feel the guiding, can feel the fog start to move hopefully in his brain.
That only makes him want to do more.
Mmmmmmmm enthusiasm is so gratifying. And sex is one place where backlash thinks he's having a social interaction, sanity is excited about coming back online, and introversion acknowledges that unlike paintball this activity is part of a balanced diet. And the compatibility is so good? He's never smooched Yamanaka and in theory that would also be great but he's too gay to find it appealing and right now he is very very gloriously gay.
And here's the thing Jaeha likes the most about guided sex: it cures backlash. That's not winning any awards for surprisingness but it means that he gets progressively more into it as he does it, his interest going from mostly performative to something much more genuine. He usually fakes the genuine version using his power but he has no practice with doing it for real and he's sure there are a myriad tells he doesn't know about or can't correct for, so he probably won't be able to fool Haru at all, if Haru is paying attention. Although, well, depending on how much time they spend on this the change might be too subtle to notice; if it's up to Jaeha they'll do it for at least an hour but other people tend to get less high on sex than he does.
Still, hopefully Haru will like this? He seemed pretty enthusiastic about how into him Jaeha is, so this will probably be a good thing.
God it's good to get to feel positive things again.
Progressively increasing sincerity of enthusiasm mostly comes across as being... impressed or something? Which is slightly odd, Haru's not pulling out any particularly exotic tricks to be impressed by and is not showcasing any kinks that weren't presented with an engraved invitation by that one "sir", but that doesn't make it less flattering.
Bearing in mind that Haru's refractory situation is not as superhuman as some other espers the narration could mention, he is still completely on board with spending an hour in bed as long as the pacing varies accommodatingly between nice sustainable handsy naked makeouts and other stuff that can't comfortably go on for as long at a stretch.
Yeah Jaeha also cannot sustain the most strenuous of these activities for a whole hour but he's such a junkie for the feeling of touching someone who guides him as well as the guiding itself.
Eventually they do wind down—if nothing else, it is the end of the work day, and Jaeha himself's done three dungeons today so he's kinda beat—but Jaeha can snuggle afterwards before he's gotta teleport back to Korea to be yelled at by Wo Do-in.
Snuggles. Snuggles during which Haru doesn't feel an overwhelming itch to carry on a conversation! He's almost totally clear! Even if Jaeha leaves suddenly he can probably finish up getting down to baseline with an hour of putting his feet on Yamanaka's feet and reading a goddamn book. Snug snug snug.
He. Should go home.
He kind of doesn't want to.
It's kind of late.
He kind of doesn't care.
Woo Do-in is yelling at him through text messages he should probably deal with that actually.
Can he justify staying longer? ...realistically, yes, but...
"I should actually get going, probably." He wishes he could've said that with his brain instead of his mouth.
And Jaeha, as expected, is yelled at. Wo Do-in calls him a selfish and self-centered prick, which he can't argue with because it's true, and then they have some angry sex in which Do-in gets to be kinda rough and mean in a way he feels isn't a problem, and then they go to their respective homes to sleep away from each other.
Jaeha kinda misses Haru, which is insane, they just saw each other.
Anyway, it's just a matter of time, now.
Do-in hasn't, in fact, broken their partnership off, but even if he had Jaeha would not bring it up right now. It would not do for Haru to think he had been the one to cause this breakup; being with Haru might have sped it up but not by more than a couple of weeks, it was a foregone conclusion.
Does Yamanaka-san sync assignments up with you?
It's not inappropriate to say but I mostly think of it as being for the benefit of whoever she saves in the dungeons! She's got a great power and she's sucking up a crippling backlash that she can't even clear quickly to use it instead of quitting espering to go back to being a performer. I wouldn't impugn her right to do that but as long as she feels moved to do dungeons and I can help, that's all to the good. It could stand to be more serendipitous but that's not her or the guild's fault.
No. This is me guessing and not something she has said, she hasn't said anything, but I think a) it is more practical for her to not know me, so that if she does accidentally think about who's touching her feet she will run out of things to think about that faster, and b) probably just like when I'm not backlashed I have to cram in all the alone time I don't otherwise let myself have, she probably has socialization she wants to do with, like, her family and friends who she already knows. I could make a fuss about it and insist on hanging out with her sometime, but it seems like the upside potential is not amazing and the downside potential pretty bad.
I suppose you could call it self-medicating
I don't smoke regularly
Only to calm my nerves
Wait shit is he coming off as nervous or anxious. He is not nervous or anxious! But if he tries to clarify that he will definitely come off that way so he'll just leave it as it is.
Aah.
Man it sucks to run into things Haru cares about like that that he knows nothing about because he can't sound cool and likeable if he doesn't know anything about it.
You'll have to tell me more about this org
Though I'm unfortunately going to need to go prep for my next dungeon now
Which has the advantage of being true. It's not, like, urgent, his assignment is in half an hour, but still, he should look those guys up, too.
...figures. He supposes he'll spend a while feeling sorry for himself on his own in his silo after the dungeon.
He's used to it.
(Part of him wants to go find Haru instead but he doesn't want to come off as too clingy. He needs to be at least a little bit hard to get.)
hey are you free for a phone call?
(Jaeha gets that one, but so do lots of other people including Park Yoo-Min. The next ones are just for Jaeha.)
you know what will be fun if logistics work out? powers testing. like I know what my powers do for all the obvious practical purposes, but I *don't* know if I can turn Cheshire Cat invisible.
obviously tell me to stop texting you if I'm being annoying
no pressure on the phone call either, I have a very long contacts list for this exact reason
"Yeah, this is the Backlashing Haru Show for the next four to six hours. I actually met a Korean esper - Kang Jaeha if you know the name - who's like ninety percent as compatible on paper as my current partner but way more so in certain non-paper details? But for that to be a routine thing one of us would have to move and neither of us has gotten our respective guild to cough up an offer yet so I'm on the old standard of phone calls while Cricket purrs at me."
"What? No! It's just that, you know how Korean companies are—I guess you wouldn't. I think Japanese companies are the same? A lot of the—you know, bureaucracy and hierarchy and stuff? We don't do that. Except a lot of Korean companies say 'we don't do that' and what they actually mean is that you're meant to pretend your boss is your buddy while still licking their boots."
"Oh. Well. Most Korean guilds and Japanese guilds I've run into have a whole lotta hierarchy stuff, like, even with ranks? You gotta -nim people with ranks higher than yours, you always introduce yourself with your rank, you must've run into that when working with new espers, right? Anyway Quasar isn't like that. Prez—the guild president, I mean—wants to—see, this sounds kinda bad but he wants Quasar to kind of be like a family? Like, people who're there for you when you need them to be?"
"...ok, I've got it. I don't use -nim to talk to the guild president at all. People routinely yell at him when something's fucky. ...ok, not routinely because things aren't fucky that often, but like, it's explicitly a thing, here, that you're allowed to go yell at him if you need him to fix something. And we don't give a shit about people's ranks, no one can boss you around just 'cuz they're A-rank or Lee Tae-gun."
"It's a charity that provides long-lasting insecticidal nets to populations at high risk of malaria. Over half a million people die of malaria per year, most of them children, and giving them these nets is a very cost-effective way to substantially reduce the chance that people will get infected at all."
"Honestly, nothing in particular. Our compatibility isn't amazing, and personality-wise we were also not great for each other, it's actually been a foregone conclusion for a while now, it was just a matter of him finding someone he liked better than me. Which I assume he must have, though he, ah, did not tell me."
The bedroom is as it was before. Cricket was at Yamanaka's with Haru but flew away before the phone call got too steamy.
It is of no lesser import to the cause of fighting dungeons that all the espers who do it be put right again after they return from missions. Haru sets about kissing it better.
Jaeha's less acutely backlashed than last time, but with the amount of chronic backlash he's always carrying on his back, there's still a lot of guiding he can do and get done. He'll go as long as Haru wants to; he doesn't have a partner to go back to, anymore, so they can just keep doing this.
Oh amazing, great going, he guessed wrong. This is making him want to go have a smoke.
He kind of does want to stay, is the thing, but he literally just decided that he was going to only have sex and nothing else. Meeting this guy's mother is a whole new step, too—he's definitely not ready to introduce Haru to his father. Probably wouldn't be regardless, fuck that old man, but still.
He needs to figure out what to say and he's running out of time.
"No, I should probably get going, anyway, I need to figure out what Juno's plans for me are now that Do-in's not going to be around anymore, and..."
Ren gets the usual complement of groceries on her way home - fish and viscera for Cricket and donburi stuff for her and Haru. Haru does not offer to help her cook. He does not explain why. She knows. She knows and he doesn't have to tell her, that this means he's feeling great.
On Friday he makes himself available for teleportation to Korea.
Haru is doing great - his standing schedule situation with his guild is sufficient to let him sometimes be doing great even with Yamanaka alone, and he hasn't told them to work him harder, yet. So he does not feel the need to further chat during this handholding walk along the river.
"I have a current official partner back in Japan but the backlash interaction is awkward in practice - hers is the exact opposite of mine, it's amazing on paper and pretty inconvenient to actually sit through. Though it's sustainable at a low enough dungeoneering pace. And Jaeha's so far the best prospect I've found for a better setup."
Awwwww what a good Jaeha. "I'm not backlashed at all right now, but if I were, this sort of gathering would be very appealing and also make a shortlist of things I would be able to concentrate on. I like spending a lot of quality time with my sanity so I don't know if I'd always show up if we signed on, it'd depend on how the timing worked out, it'd be more likely to look like me texting you at random times to get someone to talk on the phone. Or hang out in person, that doesn't work when I'm in Yamanaka's silo but would here."
"- okay, so, I know exactly how that sounds and I am saying it that way on purpose and if I didn't like it I would have changed it sometime in the last four years. Silo is short for - it's actually a deeply weird abbreviation for, but it is derived from - 'isolation site'. That is what Yamanaka wants in a place to decompress after a dungeon. I still live with my mom because I awakened before I moved out and realized it would be insane to try to live alone. And if Yamanaka's not there, I don't hang out there. It's her silo, she wants and needs a silo, I don't."
"I can completely shield someone's mind from external influence, and erase any that exists in its entirety. I can also project immersive illusions, and not even monsters are immune to those. Or, at least, there exist some monsters that aren't, I can't rule out the possibility that some are."
"I can turn selectively imperceptible. If you have exotic sensory powers don't try to use them on me, it won't work and I'll get random little upticks of backlash till I figure out who's being rude - I can let them through but by default I go around observable by normal channels to humans and not at all to monsters and to dungeons themselves. I can at greater expense also fly, and I am looking forward to reliably having a high-bandwidth backlash clearance mechanism so I can ever do that for fun instead of just to get over pit traps and stuff."
"You know," says Ha-eun, leaning back over from her conversation with her friends after overhearing Haru's power description, "I went to a dungeon that had that power, once. You couldn't see its portal or its monsters and if you went in it was pitch black. Pain in the ass to clear."
"A lot of acrobatic stuff, usually? But super. Super jumps, super strength, dodging bullets, stuff like that. And I use it to learn shit, like, if I want to learn how to use a sword then I can grab a sword and try to be good at it for five seconds and then try to mimic that without using my powers to find out why I did what I did and what I'm missing and stuff. And there's some powers I can copy better than others, like, if I superjump then I don't need to fall back down immediately, I can hang out in the air for a bit."
"Backlash's shit though, I get all indecisive. I hate being indecisive. Fucking sucks when it's real high, like, I can't even decide if I should stop using my power? What if it's a bad idea? What if I'll need it in five seconds? Should I blink now or in a bit? How long should I breathe in for? Nightmarish."
"I get tired and low-energy," he clarifies, wrapping an arm around Hyun-jae. "Slow reaction times, slow thinking, start getting so tired I can't sleep and if I do sleep I spend twelve hours in a coma, and it gets worse from there. I actually did go into a weeklong coma when I manifested."
"Yes and no. I can still tank a lot of hits, but that makes the backlash worse, and if I fall asleep in the middle of a dungeon that can be a big problem because I won't wake up." He scratches the back of his neck with some embarrassment. "That happened once, actually, my partner at the time had to carry my unconscious body out."
Hmmmm Baek Hyun-jae B probably, Park Yoo-min B, and Choi Seungjoo B or A, unsure which.
Also: he's relieved not everyone decided to go on about their backlashes, it would've been socially uncomfortable to be implicitly pressured about it by being the only one who hadn't.
Maybe Haru is used to a much warmer family than Jaeha's. That bar is very low.
Jaeha can mostly make conversation and seem warm, especially with how he's allowed to use his powers on all of these other people. He still needs to mostly approximate the things he's expressing with how they're coming off so that Haru won't be suspicious so that limits his repertoire but a big part of the limitation is just that using his powers like this on a crowd of people is a much worse idea and needs more careful management. In any event, they successfully have a social evening, meet some more people, and eventually (when it's clear they're not going to go for a second round to get drunk with Si-yeon and Ha-eun) excuse themselves.
Time for Haru to double check the route back to The House and sweep Jaeha off his feet!
He can accelerate quite well and his maneuverability is great. He can't actually get very far off the ground, but you don't have to be a helicopter to swoop along a river without running into any boats.
And he'll get to experience flying while carrying someone he's compatible with who's also carrying a reasonable amount of his own backlash. There's an immediate feeling of more freedom—espers always learn to gauge the backlash pressure of using their powers in different ways, learn to measure "if I do this then it'll affect me by this much", but with a partner nearby everything is cheaper, everything feels freer, they can do the same for less so if they try to push as much as they're used to on their own they'll go much farther. There's a lot more oomph to everything, because of that, and Haru might be finding himself accidentally going too fast, or higher than he's used to, just because it's so much easier now.
At the same time, Jaeha will get more guiding from the fact that espers guide each other better the closer they are to each other's backlash levels, and from Haru's perspective, "more backlash" is always going to be closer to Jaeha, for the foreseeable future.
Wow, Jaeha has so much backlog, Haru's not sure even faceplanting on Jaeha all night in his sleep is going to make much of a dent. Didn't he have a partner? Doesn't that shit hurt if you leave it lying around too long?? He will think about that later! Right now he is flying above the Han River with Jaeha in his arms and coming in for a landing on the steps of The House.
Jaeha's bedroom, if Haru has any time and attention span to pay attention to it, has a lot less personality than Haru's. There's a sleek desk of glass and dark metal with a Macbook on it, there's a half-open door past which is an obscenely huge bathroom, another door that's closed but presumably leads into a closet, a very large window which would have a view to the river were it not covered by a blackout curtain, a couple of paintings on the wall, and little else.
Haru is not looking at the room very much beyond confirming that the curtains are closed.
Makeouts are great.
The problem with loneliness backlash is that, because it is a magical curse and not just a normal emotion, the things that should help don't help. Like an itch you can try to scratch but that never stops itching even after you've got blood under your fingernails, like pouring ice water on your head in 36º weather over and over and never getting a speck cooler, like that weird psychiatric symptom where you feel thirsty forever even as your kidneys give out under the strain of all you've already drunk.
When he's with Jaeha the thing that should help, helps, and it is good and he is at peace.
It will especially help less after Haru's back down to zero. But even at zero he can appreciate a tandem shower, sure.
"You have been left with a criminally irresponsible backlog and you should never give me your ex-partner's contact information because I would call him up while backlashed and grouchy and yell at him."
Nuh uh it's not a tandem shower it's Jaeha pampering Haru. If Haru will let him. Like wash his hair, he feels like doing that.
(If he could know what Haru is feeling he wouldn't have to ask.)
"I don't feel like you would get along at all, no. I don't have many good things to say about him and that is perhaps a clue that maybe I should've gone looking earlier." Hahahaha that's funny as if.
"It's much, much better to maintain a sustainable pace of dungeons over many years, sustainable here meaning routinely hitting zero because if you are not routinely hitting zero then your accumulation rate is higher than your guiding rate, than to land yourself in the hospital with chronic backlash. Or to burn out on the entire concept of superheroics. Or to wind up doing desperate shit to find a partner in an emergency instead of polite shopping around when it is not an emergency. I guess this applies more strongly to people with highly specialized powers, if you're never getting called across international borders because you have some normal monster-fighting ability that could in a pinch be replaced with a squad of marines the argument is much weaker that you have to do this as a matter of, of equipment maintenance, but self-preservation should still feature!"
Yeah, that's a reasonable thing to think. Maybe Jaeha will even start to believe it, if he and Haru actually partner up. If he can get this on the regular, if he can start to actually... deal with his own backlog. That'd be nice.
(If there's one saving grace to this whole entire system it's that being guided feels nice even when nothing else does.)
"Yes, sir. I look forward to successfully seducing you into becoming my official partner so that I can get on that."
It would not be a great idea to have sex again right now, they're just showering and they should sleep soon, he is actually really tired after all of that social interaction earlier, but every time Haru kisses him rolls the dice on him getting turned on and the dice are loaded.
"Well, I'll get less charming fast if I begin a campaign of self-neglect." He can have another kiss though. "Do you wanna see if I can do the Cheshire Cat thing, I'll need you to check the results because I can always see myself in the mirror even if nobody else would know I was there." Going to bed with a little of his own backlash will help him pull Jaeha's down in their sleep.
Guided sleeping isn't completely new to him but it's been long enough that he'd forgotten just how much it helps with the actual sleep part. He wakes up in that sweet morning daze that only happens when one sleeps well, bleary but well-rested and refreshed.
He feels someone snuggling him and immediately reaches out for their feelings, before remembering why that's a bad idea.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
He does not have the reaction time or the facial control to look completely neutral or surprised by this. He has no idea what his face is doing but it is not an innocent face.
God fucking damnit Kang Jaeha if you've just ruined your chances with this boy over a fucking morning-after stupidity—
"Are you normally doing this a lot? In - like - civilian contexts - like, I find receptive empathy sketchy and would rather people not do it at me, which, good news, they can't, but based on the state of the entire fantasy genre I think that's mostly a me thing, but separately from that you're in such a backlash hole, even if you don't feel right about taking a long break from dungeoneering the gratuitous power use can't be helping at all -"
"—no. No, not at all. Just—threat instincts? I don't usually tell people about this because—fantasy genre or not, it does spook them, but I don't use it except at work, and I reach for it on reflex when it feels like I'm in a threatening situation. ...which is not to say you're threatening! But—I haven't woken up next to someone in years."
"Oh! Aren't you full of surprises," replies Haru also in English. "Vancouver's nice. I might have moved there full time years ago except that it's hours away from Charlie, who turned out to be more married to the itsy bitsy town he was born in than he was to Ren when it came down to it. The whole system is more - buffet style? Cricket hates my agent though."
He's always found the Western custom of giving espers codenames kind of weird but it is really goddamn cute to think of Haru as "Traceless".
Maybe he should just say that with his mouth.
"I've always found this custom a bit strange but I have to confess that I find the idea of you being a hero called 'Traceless' very endearing."
Juno is... a Korean guild. That's something that can be said about it. It has a rigid corporate structure and hierarchy, and it is offering to pay Haru more than Hasegawa is (because they want to keep their anti-Nightmare star happy), and it doesn't have much else going for itself. It is certainly not offering to eradicate any diseases, nor any particular benefits other than "it's where Jaeha currently is". It doesn't seem like they've been informed of Jaeha's own feelings of imminent departure, though.
Bleah.
Hasegawa is a smaller guild than either Juno or Quasar, and while they do offer Haru a raise in response to his projected increase in dungeon clears, it's not actually quadruple. Then somebody makes a slightly too-barbed remark about Cricket's legal status and Haru texts Yoo-min to see if Cricket can possibly be teleported to Korea in advance of any signatures being signed so that nobody has to have a day in court over that. Haru is in Seoul again to sign things not long after.
Excellent! These documents seem to be in order. It seems like they're planning to share a house to silo in? Quasar has shared ones if necessary and is able to offer them personalised silos, and for Haru specifically it can also help him get set up with somewhere to live if he'd rather live on his own.
Haru is planning to live in Jaeha's house. So as to have suitably redundant institutional protocols, though, should this arrangement fail catastrophically somehow, he can crash somewhere else - an empty silo if there's really no notice, but also he's modestly compatible with both of Tae-gun and Juheon and he also has a standing invitation (from Yamanaka care of her brother, not from Hasegawa) to go back to Yamanaka's place if he's ever in a bad enough way to get on a plane about it. Cricket is available for 4D dungeon navigation as a subsidiary of Haru, he will pawprint something saying so. Haru requires generous emergency exit clauses that kick in if he ever somehow finds himself spending more than a week continuously carrying any positive amount of backlash, which, again, he expects to be managing fine but if something should fail catastrophically he will absolutely not be making things worse before he figures out how to make them better, he wants to be alive and kicking in fifty years.
It boils down to, if Kang Jaeha's backlash is shared by Haru with someone who didn't already know about it prior without explicit consent from Kang Jaeha, Haru will need to pay a fine, which is the standard form the majority of espers who have such contracts at all use. The agency lawyer in Canada will almost certainly have run into identical ones before.
Anyway, one other thing, they heard from Park Yoo-min-shi that Masaharu-shi's old guild was maybe threatening Cricket? Would Cricket and/or Haru want legal representation? Quasar has been trying to push through a law recognising reformed monsters as legal persons and this could help it go, or they could instead argue for Haru having full ownership of Cricket if both he and Cricket prefer this, or something else that worked better...?
"It wasn't an outright threat? Someone just - mentioned, at the wrong time, that the last time the government of Japan heard anything about Cricket, Hasegawa was responsible for him. Reformed monsters should absolutely have legal personhood, but if you have a test case who maybe speaks any Korean and can get through a conversation with the average person without telling them that they could costlessly be replaced with an equivalent volume of Styrofoam, Cricket is probably not the ideal show trial candidate."
That's... true... but Quasar will go to bat for either of them if they want. Option's on the table.
Anyway! If that's all squared away then they are both officially members of Quasar, now! Their comm systems should have access to the internal Quasar apps, including the one where they will be receiving their dungeon assignments according to their declared specialties and preferences, there's procedure for changing that if they want to, they've got a lot of leeway to figure out what works best for them during their first month, etc etc, welcome!
Hurrah!
They can go introduce Cricket to his wing of the house (Cricket requires a cozy catbed and a television with a large-buttoned remote) and Haru can do some unpacking - he's going to sleep in Jaeha's bedroom with him but there's enough space that he can commandeer a room as an office! - and Jaeha is firmly instructed not to read the spiral-bound notebooks that are to be shelved therein but if he wants to borrow the Shakespeare or something that's kosher.
"Lots of different stuff, I usually have one on me and if I need to write down 'pick up a loaf of bread' that'll be where it goes instead of my phone sometimes. But the reason they're private is that I do a lot of processing my thoughts in 'em, I like to have stuff written down where it can't move around and get all vague on me so I can decide how I feel about it."
...man why does he also find that endearing. He is starting to suspect foul play.
"Is that something you use to deal with your backlash feelings?" Does he write about Jaeha in those notebooks? Jaeha's desperately curious to know that, but—he's not going to read them. If the feelings aren't happening directly in front of him for him to know how to act they're less useful anyway.
"No, I can't do it while I'm backlashed, which is really really annoying, I have useful skills accumulated from the practice that I can still use when I'm backlashed but I can't sit down and write things to myself in private for long enough at a stretch when I'm like that. I have to do it all in retrospect. One of the many reasons cooperating with myself is so important."
"I can do it typing, but I want a full keyboard, and that's a little more annoying to whip out in arbitrary locations. Also going electronic makes it a bit higher friction to switch languages, I don't really notebook in Korean unless I'm doing it as deliberate practice - backlash is good for making me do practice conversation but what originally drew me to Korean was the elegance of Hangul - but I mix Japanese and English and weird terms of art I made up symbols for in there all the time. And I draw diagrams and stuff."
"Being guided still feels nice even when nothing else does. And—it's the only thing that makes anything else feel good again. Coupled with none of my previous partners having been as compatible with me as you are, I needed to have sex with them to get as much guiding as I do by holding your hand.
"It makes me become myself again." Or something like that.
"I think you should take a vacation, tell them not to call you unless it's Nightmare and then only go in with me to hand, get to zero as quickly as possible, and - check in with yourself - it's awkward timing since you just switched guilds but did Juno have people who knew this, were they just running you into the ground because they weren't sure they'd ever get you started again if they let you lose momentum?"
"Like, if your previous partners were not adequately down to fuck, that's - tragic, but - ratcheting you up to this point when you don't have the access to your own motivational system that would let you do anything else looks actively malicious? Like, seriously, do you want to fucking sue them? If we stay in bed all week will you want to sue them then? You're not okay and they kept sending you into dungeons! There are going to keep being dungeons for the foreseeable future! It is of course inexcusably tragic if somebody gets eaten by a dungeon while you're on vacation and it is also inexcusably tragic if someone else gets eaten by a dungeon in two decades because all your organs quit on you and you weren't even on vacation such that you could be wheedled out of it with a bonus and a promise that it's an exceptional circumstance! Have you had so much as a pleasant afternoon when I wasn't there in the last eight years?? Or done anything that wasn't suggested to you - don't sue them on my say-so, think about it and decide when you're at zero, I'm fucking pissed at those amateurs though -"
Jaeha's finding himself in the weird mental state of reflexively wanting to object but not having any good objections. The version of him he's been channeling throughout his interactions with Haru has some feelings about—this not being justifiable, of it being possible for him to just take it slower without quitting altogether, of viscerally not wanting to take a break, but—the truth is he doesn't care. He doesn't care if he's an esper or on vacation or what.
No... He realises that his true objection is that going on an extended vacation would be incredibly boring.
"So you're suggesting that I, what, stay home all day doing nothing for—however long?" Ah fuck he's sure there'd have been a better way to frame this but fucked if he knows what it would be.
"Well, nothing doing there. I'll tell them to load me up on dungeons and come home for an hour and a half in between 'em and while I'm out you can - do you have trouble concentrating on stuff like the way I get or does that part work and you just can't think of things to do, I can recommend you books. Cricket watches a lot of TV, if that's easier."
Spoken like someone who hasn't ever experienced a moment of anhedonia in his life.
...he shouldn't be feeling defensive and bitter right now. Shouldn't be feeling anything, actually.
"It's neither of those. It's not that I can't think of things to do, it's that none of them appeal. Things I ought to like, used to like, I don't. I can think of any things I might do and I can then try to do them and it'll feel the same.
"At least when I'm in a dungeon what I'm doing matters." See, this is totally something his character would say. Good job, Kang Jaeha.
"That's... true, but I am very concerned about you not having gotten to zero in forever, and the main two options for doing that in a hurry so you can get back to doing dungeons again in a remotely sane and sustainable manner are that I do a lot of dungeons and come home for guiding about that in between, or that I also take a vacation and tick up my backlash to approach yours through completely gratuitous power use, which, I don't have anything against occasional gratuitous power use, but if we're trying to be efficient and also dungeon-maximizing..."
"How long do you think that's going to take to dig you out? Like, we're making progress, but I think that's - easily six weeks, maybe twice that, and I think if I go full on action movie hero and clear four dungeons a day we can cut that down a lot. I am open to your suggestion but mostly because I'm now reviewing every interaction we have ever had and realizing how much I have inadvertently made or prompted basically all of the non-sex-related decisions in them and if you have manifested this one non-sex-related preference that seems promising."
.......okay! That's a really obvious tell that he had somehow completely missed! He's going to need to keep that one in mind for the future! Also that is probably a huge part of why his old partners thought he was boring and unpleasant to be around and the fact that Haru has noticed it immediately does not bode well at all! Fuck!
(Also he's kind of scared of clearing his backlash to that extent. He doesn't want to look at that right now.)
"That seems like a reasonable estimate. Four dungeons a day—is a lot." Though Haru is mostly a sensor so maybe it's less? "I am not sure how much we'd cut down on if we did that. Five weeks, maybe? Four?"
"It is, yeah, but it'd be a sprint, not a marathon, I don't know that I can sustain it long enough to dig you out if you're coming along and using your powers and I think I can if it's only for as long as it takes without that factor. And...
"...it's your anhedonia and you get to decide how you relate to it, I don't, but you should decide that, it shouldn't.
"And as a distant minor factor, we haven't known each other that long and are still getting used to each other and if we want to last as a partnership then I should probably ever be introduced to you at baseline? I shouldn't get too used to you like this because the more I do the more of an adjustment it'll be when you're okay again. Like, I think I can make that adjustment now or later, this isn't a huge deal, but it does come to mind."
...well, if they want to last as a partnership Jaeha should become more interesting as a person, it's true.
He keeps having—hiccups—around emotions that he knows he'd be feeling if he weren't backlashed but he doesn't exactly know what they are nor what texture they have, and that makes it hard to know how to react. Can he tank a month, maybe two, of just staying home doing absolutely nothing?
Say something. Anything. Come on, Kang Jaeha.
"I see."
Maybe so.
He's still scared.
He doesn't think he can argue, though. And he's feeling—something else. The shadows of something else, maybe. There's something in him that wants to—when Haru looks at him like that—Jaeha wants to do whatever Haru wants him to do. He wants to be Haru's.
"Let's try it for a week," he suggests, "and I'll see how—bearable—I find it?"
He is feeling so stressed out, and half of the reason why is a complete mystery to him, but he's got an insanely attractive man showing deep concern for him and he wants to hold onto this man forever.
That is far too strong a feeling for not even three weeks' acquaintance!!!!!
And also that man wants to kiss him!!!!!!!
This is insane. He'll, like, take it, and kiss back, and—do whatever Haru wants, honestly—but it's insane.
Afterwards he drafts an email to Quasar - Park Yoo-Min if he's supposed to be their handler but maybe he's supposed to write this sort of note to someone else?
Acknowledging that this is really awkward timing for it since we just signed on, IMO Jaeha needs a vacation; combination of various factors which I'm not necessarily going to sue anyone over have left him in a very long term backlash hole and I'll be able to dig him out faster if he's not using his powers and also if I'm using mine a lot. I want to do a heavy sprint load of dungeons with guiding breaks in between for as long as he'll tolerate sitting at home bored, we've agreed on a week to start but I think it would probably take six to get him completely baselined. In case it doesn't go without saying it would certainly still be appropriate to grab him for e.g. Nightmare though, I'd just want to do the runs with him.
"That look okay?"
They receive a reply reasonably promptly: this is perfectly fine and acceptable, with the caveat that if Jaeha is not clearing dungeons on the regular he will be paid as if he were an esper on retainer rather than an active one. He can just pause scheduling on the app and resume whenever he feels up for it.
Jaeha is having a lot of trouble feeling happy about this. ...well, something that approximates that when backlashed, anyway.
The thing is, he doesn't really understand what's happening well enough to feel safe resting any weight on it, it feels like he might lose this at any moment. He doesn't understand what Haru is feeling and he doesn't know why Haru is feeling it and given how much of a production this is turning out to be he can't help but catastrophise about how much Haru is willing to take before he gets fed up.
Jaeha shouldn't feel safe, though. That isn't enough. If it's just the compatibility, Haru might find someone else more compatible. If it's just the money, he'll be making stupid esper money soon, too. Jaeha needs to figure out some other way to keep this man. Jaeha needs Haru to like him. He needs to be someone Haru will like. Which isn't news, it's not like that's not what he'd been doing, but—Haru's seen right through him, and Jaeha hasn't even told Haru everything about his backlash or powers—
(he needs to not think about that right now)
—so he needs to make sure Haru needs him. He needs to be perfect for Haru.
...he's not starting off on the best possible foot but he can figure it out. He has to.
Haru's up bright and early the next morning to fling himself into hostile pocket dimensions which can't detect his presence and evacuate their victims and then attack them with artillery. Nobody can hear him if he says "yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker" once or twice.
After his first one he pops back home - the teleport ration is a very good feature of the Quasar membership - and flings himself into Jaeha's arms instead. "I'm home, didja miss me?"
As expected, Jaeha did not really do... much... this morning. Cricket isn't even awake yet to come insult him. It was just him and his thoughts, waiting for Haru.
Well, him, his thoughts, and his plan to figure out how to become someone Haru will never want to leave.
"I did," however pathetic that may be, "quite a bit."
Haru wiggles out of his shirt for skin contact reasons and snuggles up and produces pictures! Waterfalls and fairy-dragon looking monsters and all. "It was dangling eighteen people upside down by their ankles, so it was obviously a jerk, but I feel bad about killing them sometimes, you know?"
"Not just gorgeous, but - they've got to be taking cues from humans, somehow. There are dungeons with dinosaurs and three-headed-dogs and centaurs and flaming bird monsters, stuff from reality and mythology, specifically the parts of reality that humans care about! Dinosaurs yes, Cambrian explosion shit not so much. Centaurs yes, something with... the head of a dolphin and the body of a tortoise, which I just made up, no, nothing like that. Aliens made contact in the seventies and we don't know how to talk to them and we keep killing each other and it bugs me."
"Well, perhaps I'm just making everything about my specialty, but given how Nightmare explicitly pulls its inspiration from the humans inside it it does not seem surprising that other dungeons are doing similarly, in a more... diffuse fashion, I suppose." They very much started it, though.
"It could be something like that, yeah, but they're all - on theme. Nightmare's on theme, its theme is just 'nightmares' and that gives it an unusual amount of range. They're somehow picking something, sticking with it thereafter no matter who they kidnap and no matter who goes in to take them down... it could boil down to something relatively uninteresting but they clearly - contain people in potentia, like Cricket - so I'm uneasy about deciding that there's definitely nothing like that going on with the cores. Obviously I still kill them, because I certainly have no reason to think that even if they're all people they're somehow important enough to get away with anthropophagy, fuck that, but."
Come on, Kang Jaeha, trial by fire, can you produce literally anything interesting about this topic which Haru clearly cares about?
"I assume someone must've looked into attempting to communicate with dungeons but I've never thought to look into it." He just cannot be interesting to save his goddamn life.
"They mostly haven't. A few people have, uh, died trying, and some people have made kind of... weak gestures in that direction by like. Verbally addressing portals or monsters. So it isn't anything that obvious and it's risky territory to try stuff in. But....". Sigh.
"When I go with Cricket in 4D dungeons I ask him to address the monsters. No answers yet. I would kinda like to talk to some myself except for how every time I have the opportunity to do that I can't be sure how much that's a rational thing to do and how much it's just a really appealing stupid idea. I've never actually been sent into a long-standing recurrent dungeon but sometimes I work on, like, a first contact message in all my languages, which I could print out and drop off in such a dungeon for it to chew on between appearances."
"That seems possible! Like how octopus tentacles are individually capable of problem solving to do things like for example catch prey. Cricket knows a lot of things a regular person or animal would normally have to learn like how to talk and move around. He remembers being surprised by how small he was and by how biting a pigeon didn't make it start dissolving but he doesn't remember a part before that where he wasn't surprised about how he worked. You could definitely get a result like Cricket if monsters were the subdivisions of subdivisions that, when cut off, start having personal continuity, but have it with some - onboard procedural memory storage. Which I guess prompts the question of how to cut a dungeon off and leave it alive and what would happen if you did that! But - hm, I think the strongest evidence for the dungeons being connected to each other is the timing - which also coincides with espers, so I don't want to make too many assumptions about how it ties in with the dungeons' allegiances and motivations - and also the confluences, which, I don't know. There's this researcher whose blog I read who thinks we should model dungeons as an infection and espers as an immune response, which I think is interesting as a model but the immune system had to evolve, even if past dungeon infections of the Earth didn't get as far because there weren't urban population centers there isn't an obvious previous evolutionary stepping stone from which you get to 'espers exist now'..."
"...I'm not sure what that idea would explain, though. I mean, there's definitely some kind of intelligent thing there, the dungeons themselves or something else, and that intelligent thing must've evolved and—decided to come to Earth and do whatever this is. Pocket dimensions with things out of human mythology don't just spread like viruses."
"They do get bigger, if they come back more than once. But not in a viral way. More parasitic, I guess? Or autoimmune, maybe humans collectively are doing this to ourselves somehow, that would be weird but I'm not sure it would actually be a more profligate explanation all things considered, everything that could be going on is weird."
He's going to need to read what a bunch of people who have thought about this have said and come up with an opinion that makes him have a good contentful conversation with Haru about it. He adds that to his mental todo list.
"Wouldn't really explain why that happened in the seventies, though. There doesn't seem to be anything special about them."
"There really doesn't! Guesses I've read include population inflection point - which you could say about nearly any historical moment, the long term trend is up so strongly that it holds in every year we aren't having a really drastic plague and sometimes even then - and urbanization inflection point since dungeons like cities so much, which, same issue, and that it had something to do with the publication of Dungeons and Dragons, which is at least timed right but so batshit and apart from the name 'dungeons', which is human-applied after the fact anyway, doesn't match up in the details, it's not like I'm a wizard and you're a bard or whatever..."
"Your guess of alien first contact seems the most—reasonable—since that's the kind of thing that doesn't really have anything to do with us. It happened in the seventies because that's when it happened. It's unclear why aliens would want to set up superhero scenarios but at least the timing isn't mysterious anymore, I think."
Haru's not actually sure he can do four times a day once, let alone all week, but that's not really an argument for skipping it when he is up for it, especially early in the day; after the last dungeon of the day he'll have a night of snuggles ahead.
He throws his clothes back on and bounces out again when his reminder alarm goes off.
Cricket's plates have handles on them, like shallow pails, and they're made of plastic. He can pick them up and carry them around with or without food on them without much spill risk as long as the food is placed centrally. He serves himself rabbit hearts and salmon from the fridge and trots the plate over to the table, which he sits on as well as eating from.
"So, you mentioned you dislike my smell," he says as he grabs some ingredients to start making his own lunch. "I don't know if Haru told you about my power? I can do illusions, and if it would make you more comfortable I could get rid of the smell of smoke." He's gonna try to stick to nicotine gum for longer to see if he can develop a habit and quit but the smell of smoke takes a while to go away.
"Well, I guess I haven't been subtle about it."
It's obviously ridiculous for him to like someone after knowing them for three weeks but he's not so stupid as to keep misinterpreting the signs of his own feelings. Not for so long, not when they're this obvious.
It just keeps tripping him up, that "feelings" bit.
...haah...
He spent that entire conversation sitting on the desire to erase Cricket's memories. He is praising himself in his head for not doing that, because nobody else will.
Now he is sitting on the desire to smoke. He will instead grab his pack of nicotine gums and chew and try not to grind his teeth too much.
Jaeha does cook, and very well at that, for all that his taste buds are dead half the time and he doesn't particularly enjoy it. It's something everyone appreciates and it gets them to tolerate him better.
He grabs a plate of his own and sits with Haru. "Cricket is very loyal."
And once he has had a generous lunch - running dungeons is a workout and it's more than he's used to, fantastic esper body or no - he wants guiding snuggles. He does not have a very strong opinion on whether there should be sex this time but there should be makeouts. For efficiency.
Haru has actually had a blog about espers and dungeons since before he awakened, though it was more amateur when he was sixteen. He used to do more book reviews/summaries/commentaries, before, and not so many photos, though he's hardly the first person to bring a camera into a dungeon and did occasionally include illustrative snapshots from other photographers. He has a lot of interviews after the point at which he's been an esper for a few months - the pattern, if Jaeha looks at timestamps, is a nearly-wordless photo upload from a dungeon, Haru answering comments on the photos, and then hours later a more substantive post with an interview of an esper or dungeon researcher or author or support staffperson, and/or some more verbal reflection on the nature of the dungeon and what it most resembled and what he noticed about the profile of who it kidnapped if there was one. There's also posts about Cricket, mostly around the time when Haru gets him, but occasionally also photo posts with Cricket in them as apologies for periods of low update activity.
Oh okay that is kind of interesting, actually. Not the Cricket pictures, he's salty about Cricket right now, but the interviews and musings are cool. And also that's making him want to look into Haru in more detail; he'll see what he can find out that's publicly available, at least at first.
Haru has actually managed to talk to and take selfies with enough kidnap victims that there are a couple of straight-up fanblogs of him diligently collecting all the pictures of him in his tactical dungeon gear and out of it that are available online! He's very photogenic, probably mostly because he's an esper. Many people are very sad that he's gay. There's also an official British Columbia Espers page and Traceless has a profile there but the fanblogs have already acquired and digested all its contents so it doesn't add much.
Haru's listed partner in B.C. is this guy codenamed Sparkler, but that seems concurrent with Yamanaka, who he partnered with less than six weeks after his activation which was itself very prompt post-awakening. Haru has an agent, Paula Bescond, with the Maple Esper Agency. Whether he is friends with these people is hard to determine but he's probably hooked up with Sparkler, considering, Sparkler's pretty cute.
He's 20, power is listed as some kind of flashbang situation, no public backlash, actually using the secret identity thing and masking to enough of an extent that his name doesn't come up in a casual inspection. Curly brown hair, million-watt smile, has appeared in a beer commercial. Has a primary partner, "Arctic"; Haru's a part-time secondary.
Oh Jaeha is not being casual about this inspection. He's gonna find out everything there is to know about this dude, he has money and contacts and a mission. ...he maybe won't get everything today if there's anything he'll need to hire an actual investigator for but short of that, he can find people who work at this guy's agency and discover where and with whom he's worked and when he awakened and what his family situation is like and other partners than just the two if there are any and...
The Wayback Machine says Sparkler activated at 19, almost two years ago, and used to partner with an older lady named Harvest Moon; she's since retired and he took up with Arctic then and added Traceless later. Arctic is a 27 year old sensory-power esper who also has another partner, a "Pyramid", but the chain stops there, Pyramid doesn't have anyone else and never has. If he wants to acquire Harvest Moon's self published memoir and follow up on leads about her half-dozen younger male partners over the years he can determine Sparkler's first name, but it's John (Harvest Moon actually refers to him as Johnny), so that won't get him very far.
He can probably find the guy's full name if he pulls some strings and contacts someone who's worked with someone who's owed a favour by the guy's agent or something. That might take a day or two to pan out, depending, but he's casting his net wide for any more info he can get.
The number one most important thing to learn, though, is why he's occasionally partnering with Haru, if he has a primary partner already. Can he find that out? If there's some problem that means Johnny's primary partner isn't enough Jaeha is interested in finding out what that problem is and how to solve it.
Sparkler works with Maple, same as Haru, but the agent is some other guy (whose name, like Paula's, is not hard to find). Arctic is working sans agent at the moment but used to have somebody in Mead & Neveux till last year. There is an unfinished documentary about espers in the advertising industry which features an interview with Sparkler about the beer commercial, in which -
If he socially engineers himself the script of the French dub of the unfinished documentary he can learn what high school Sparkler attended and narrow it down to 23 Johns/Johnathans/Jons/Jonathans/one Jonah just to be sure, some of whom he can tentatively rule out by hair color and the rest of whom mostly precipitate out by having alibis for times at which Sparkler was accounted for. Sparkler's legal name is John Parker Halliwell and he has a house in Belcarra and posts on Facebook about his dog all the time. Two brothers who are still in high school, parents in downtown Eastside in Vancouver, cover occupation as a bartender.
Why do these people even have secret identities, this isn't a comic book story.
Can he find anything at all on why this guy would have a secondary partner? Is it just the kindness of his heart towards Haru plus wanting a piece of Haru's perfect ass? He's not even sure how he'd find this out, honestly, he probably needs to start looking into Arctic...
This will consume most of his time until Haru is done with his last dungeon for the day.
Arctic explained in a magazine article once that she chose her codename because her power is long range enough that she can perceive the Arctic Circle. She commented on Sparkler getting a secondary partner: "No one can be everything to anyone; of course I don't mind." Her backlash is sorta findable, if Jaeha wants to try to figure out Sparkler's based on it having to be compatible both with Haru's loneliness and with Arctic's description of hers as "a great excuse to wear sunglasses indoors". Here's a picture of Haru and Sparkler cheek to cheek smiling for the camera just to ruin Jaeha's day.
This seems like a longer-term project after all. What he can do from this end is make sure Haru is so guided he'll literally never have any need for dear Johnny. And if Haru feels like visiting Johnny just for some friendly sex between buddies Jaeha will need to deal with it then.
"Oh yeah, did I never send you a link to it - I guess I didn't! It started as a school club project, I was never big into clubs but you basically have to be in clubs so I just joined the English club planning to coast, but I got kind of into translation, and I like famous old classic fiction that has all already been translated, so I thought I'd start a bilingual blog about something that actually interested me - there was an espers club but it was cringe beyond belief - and then I just kept going."
"It was all about espers as celebrities and not as magical phenomena, I just really don't get some people. At least sports fans usually also care about the game prior to caring about the players even if it's an alien interest to me. And I think it's especially unhealthy in the East without the secret identity buffer, I'll take selfies with people anywhere because of who I am as a backlashed person but there's definitely an element of it being less weird to do as Traceless than as my real name."
"No." Jaeha already knew that, he isn't wearing one in any of the pictures. "If I don't want people to see me they won't anyway, the problem is the wanting. I've never been recognized in public in Canada, though, for reasons such as that white people suck at telling Asians apart, I carry myself very differently if I'm not backlashing and am just buying groceries, and also I don't spend that much time there so I'm very minor even among the intense esper fans."
"I don't really know how it is in the West, I suppose, but at least in Korea it's very strongly borrowing from the K-pop culture, focusing on people having parasocial relationships with their espers... I'm not sufficiently famous to be the target of too much of that but I can't imagine it must be pleasant."
"I hope I don't count as the media, I don't think I was pushy when I called people up and asked them to tell me about their work or their powers or whatever for Eventualities but if they weren't allowed to turn me down that's unfortunate and there were Koreans in the mix a few times once I learned the language."
"I think you probably don't count? But there were also clauses in the contract about, hmm, managing our image? Reputational damages to me being reputational damages to Juno, so I need to present a good face, and so on, which probably other espers would be keeping in mind even when dealing with regular non-media people."
"Yeah. I could probably route around it if I were texting the notes to a person but it'd have to be the person having any interest in the interviewing process and being likely to read the text, if they're just letting me use their messages as a scratchpad my brain'll quit on me about it."
Is he sure, Backlashed Haru sometimes runs out of interesting things to say and winds up saying things like, "every time I notice that a meal in progress smells good, it's because someone's frying an onion" and "do you have cleaners in here on a routine basis, I can't see you personally dusting the whole thing and it's huge".
Haru does not seem lastingly affected by the adorableness situation. "I can cook," he mentions. "Probably not this week because while the dungeons can't find my ass to kick it the schedule's going to do its best but in general. I'm mostly good at Western food, though, Ren and I took turns and she was the one who always wanted to do Japanese food as part of the underlying characteristics that made her move to Tokyo in the first place. And at Charlie's he's a terrible cook so I do all of it while I'm at his place but his palate is Westernized as all get out so it's all stuff with bread and cheese and bacon and, if I'm very convincing, a vegetable."
No, see, Haru, this was Jaeha offering to cook for your dad so as to make your dad like him.
...ah, fuck his life, honestly. He'll just say it.
"I was subtly indicating that I could cook for your family should the opportunity ever present itself." Haru knows he likes him anyway, what's he go to lose except for everything.
"...could be I've always been mistaken about what that word means..." He pauses his cooking to open his commscreen and Google it. "Oh, could be a regional thing, Google says Brits use it to talk about being an unpaid holder of an office and that is what I thought at the time."
He certainly seems to!
Then he runs to fetch his laptop and pulls up his interview template. "So obviously I have since learned more things about you but the reason you were on my list is the whole Nightmare thing, is there anything in that vein I should steer clear of either because you don't want to talk about it or because you don't want it on the blog?"
"That makes it simpler! I can redact stuff during the cleanup step if necessary, of course. Recording now..."
And then he wants to know stuff about psychic dungeons generally and Nightmare specifically that Jaeha's worked with - patterns in their victims and what they do to them, and how it was originally discovered that he could shield people from the influence (did he have a strong intuition in advance about that or was it experimental?), and if there are little-known creative uses of his powerset in or out of the field, and whether he has any light to shed on his own data point toward the "powers have something to do with people's personalities maybe possibly" popular fan theory, and what the backlash expense ratio is between various power applications, and anecdotes about the hardest/easiest dungeons he's done.
So he's not totally sure about victim patterns but as far as he can tell everyone a dungeon's kidnapped has been affected by the dungeon. For some dungeons that doesn't mean anything—for instance, there's a non-psychic named S-rank he knows of that just burns people alive and you can't not be affected by that. But everyone he's talked to who has been kidnapped by Nightmare had some great fear, some trauma, something that's really really awful that Nightmare pulls on; he's never met any victims who were just having one of those weird nightmares that you're not even really scared of in the morning. And this pattern holds true in other psychic dungeons he's run into: whenever he can identify some thing that the dungeon seems to be "trying to accomplish", the victims were almost invariably unusually likely to be good targets for that.
As for how he discovered his power use cases... well, this particular aspect of it should not go on the record since it's not public, but the receptive empathy part of his power was very clear very early, and once he had a bead on someone's mind the levers he had access to became reasonably intuitive. ...he was not the most ethical at early testing of his powers—not in that he was trying to actively cause harm, but he was a little bit blasé about the concept of consent. He doesn't go into detail, though; just says that while looking embarrassed and moves on.
Something that is less well-known but still public about his powers is that they work on monsters, too, which can be used for stealth or to confuse them. Not always, though, as some monsters seem to either be directly controlled by the dungeon, which he can't affect—can't detect a mind to affect—or to be doing something else with their senses that he doesn't know. Also he can shield from and remove influences by other espers, not just monsters and dungeons.
He has... no idea... about the power-to-personality theory. When he was a teenager he was kind of a fuckboy? Which doesn't seem to match any of this very well. He supposes the fact that he at one point in his life had an interest in journalism might suggest he's interested in understanding other people which could be loosely related to the receptive empathy but it seems like a bit of a stretch.
Backlash expense ratio: wiping mental influences is really really cheap, detecting that a mind is somewhere is a bit less but still cheap, actual full receptive empathy is about... he doesn't know how to think about this in number terms... maybe three times as expensive as as the influence wiping, power second? Shielding has a lump cost that depends on how long he's keeping it up for and how much oomph he's giving it—a Nightmare-worthy shield is easily thirty times as expensive as receptive empathy per second. Illusions vary a lot lot lot depending on what they are.
He has some anecdotes! Probably not all of them should be shared due to being fucking terrifying but, well, he has them.
Remarks about being blasé about consent get raised eyebrows and frowning, but Haru agrees not to put it on his blog. Can he tell differences between monster minds besides "affectable" and "not affectable"? What other espers has he had reason to shield people from in the past? Haru is interested in all the anecdotes but, yes, will cut some for being too yikes for the audience before publication.
Oh he can't tell that the monster minds are different at all; he can feel himself affecting them just fine, it just doesn't have the effect of confusing the monsters the way he'd expect it to.
He's had to help deal with rogue psychic espers a handful of times but he's not sure how much detail he should go into... For one, he expects Haru himself might get kind of spooked, but for two, some of these stories were kept under wraps because knowing very much about rogue psychic espers is the kind of thing that can get the public to cause a lot of damage by mistrusting people who are trying to help them. Psychic espers are already the ones that poll least popular and scariest.
Haru tends to think that "the niggling sense that the authorities are hiding things about psychic espers" is more long term damaging than true reports of how those psychic espers have conducted themselves both positively and negatively - and like, if there are rogue psychic espers around, they and not the mistrustful reactions to them are the main problem - but if Jaeha doesn't want it on the blog it doesn't have to go on the blog.
"The most frustrating thing about my backlash - I assume this is true of a lot of people's backlash but I think maybe especially mine - is how it makes me do stuff that does not help at all, when I know it does not help at all, over and over and over till I want to scream and can't scream because that will impair me in doing the thing that doesn't help at all a few million more times, and." Faceplant. "This helps and it is very good."
He runs a hand through Haru's hair, gently.
"I think it—varies, to some extent. I get very acutely" depressed "anhedonic immediately after a dungeon, but after a few hours it tends to settle down into a more manageable background level of it, and an old partner of mine settled into almost no background acute backlash even without guiding, but you seem to be on the other end of that particular spectrum."
"I basically never let it get to chronic. One time the train I was on got stuck for some reason and I think everyone in the train car was thoroughly sick of me afterwards but by the time I got to Yamanaka's the acute was mostly chilled out. It was tolerable! But I can't summon it to replace a bout of acute backlash any earlier than it cares to appear."
Jaeha's worries that he'd end up too bored turn out to have been unfounded. He has a lot to occupy his time with.
On one side, he needs to find some semblance of a personality and hobbies, some set of interests, and he's going hard on anything Haru so much as mentions a passing interest in. He finds more people who have looked into what's up with dungeons and espers, he looks up new and interesting recipes to at some point try cooking for Haru, he even downloads Civilization when he remembers that time he visited Haru's place with his mother and saw Haru's computer's wallpaper. He starts keeping up with news, too, and with developments in materials science involving bullshit dungeon materials, and he even starts digging into altruistic causes. Haru doesn't like it when he runs out of interesting things to talk about and his backlash compels him to keep talking, and while some of those moments can be replaced with sex he wants to also increase the amount of interesting conversation to be had.
On the other, he needs to figure out how to keep Sparkler's hands completely off Haru, and for that he needs to understand who Sparkler is as a person and what he gets out of fucking guiding Haru and how he can get it otherwise. Jaeha's getting to the point where even seeing that smarmy smile of Sparkler's makes his blood start to boil.
Sparkler has groupies! He goes to superhero conventions and sits on panels and signs merch, Jaeha can find grainy video of him at those winking (exaggeratedly, so it shows despite him being in his mask) at people (mostly girls, a few boys). He doesn't do very many dungeons - they don't do ranks, in the west, but his would be low - but he keeps up a steady pace of them.
This is fucking stupid. Sparkler's just a fuckboy. Jaeha knows the type—
(Jaeha used to be the type.)
—and he's harmless. Most importantly, he doesn't care. Probably. Jaeha's rapidly coming to the conclusion that there is literally nothing this guy is getting in particular out of Haru. It's not important to him.
(Jaeha cannot inhabit that frame of mind. Maybe that's why it took him so long to understand.)
If Johnny's just some fuckboy who's having some fun and who's doing it because guided sex feels nice and Haru is cute then all that Jaeha has to do is come with Haru whenever he goes to Canada. That way Haru won't have to interact with the fuckboy. Jaeha's realising that this isn't a threat after all.
He actually jumps, he'd gotten so engrossed in his hateplaythrough he didn't hear Haru arrive (and Haru might feel a tiny blip of a ping on his shields during that jump from Jaeha being surprised), but once his brain catches up he hops to his feet so that he can properly welcome Haru with a hug and a kiss.
It probably is! Jaeha still doesn't have a ton of appreciation for food due to how his taste buds are pathetic and sad, but he thinks he's got the hang of making nice food anyway. And he can make it perfectly social, too, offering Haru chef's perks and commenting on ideas for more stuff to make in the future, and then they can move on to talking about GiveWell's recent blog post about its updated donation suggestions—turns out a few years back they stopped recommending the AMF due to some disagreements about tradeoffs between transparency and effectiveness but they have since started reccing it again after AMF secured some deals with local distribution centers...
"I don't think either of us are under any illusions that it wasn't sheer dumb luck that we met. It's not like we were—looking. Filtering. So, you know, in a sense Cricket is right. But...
"You get what you want. You know what it is and you go after it and you get it. You fistbump people because it's less aversive and comes off as charming and then you find someone you're compatible with and you immediately ask to spend time with them. You want your brain to work right, and you make sure it will, but you also want other things, you want to be a superhero—so you find the ratio of how much you tolerate breaking your brain to be a superhero, and once you can fix it faster you can also be more of a superhero.
"...and I have to say that you getting really mad on my behalf and doing so much so that I can have my brain back had its fair share of attractiveness.
"There's other things but—we've only just met. I'll learn more about them and about you, and I'll like them, too. I'm sure of that."
This was probably possible for him to have derived a priori but he was a bit too scared that if he said the words they'd be too real. And—they kind of are and—he's kind of scared, and he's especially scared that he has no idea what Haru's feeling except he knows Haru doesn't reciprocate, couldn't reciprocate, so he's having to create a version of himself Haru will like so that he will feel safe and not like the floor might open up beneath his feet at any moment and take everything away from him.
But the sex is fun too.
Cool cool.
So now that he's decided that Johnny boy isn't a threat he has a lot more time to keep working on developing hobbies. Haru may like Civ but after a few games Jaeha's finding it a little dull (lol. lmao.) so he's fishing for more things to do. Currently he's trying to disentangle this paper about the statistical distributions of dungeon appearances by broad category while shopping for groceries and he's having to speedlearn stats to make sense of it and he's starting to think the paper might be full of shit, unclear. Anyway thankfully he has a shopping list and doesn't have to pay much attention to the real world except to dodge people who insist on existing around him and having opinions about the interestingness of a guy with a holographic computer screen. It's easy enough to discourage them, anyway.
And then back home.
Cricket is loafing on his chest and purring up a storm about being petted while somehow simultaneously saying, "And then it turned out that Sinclair was Valen, completely undermining anything the show might have been trying to say about Minbari culture before or since. They didn't even have several other foundational philosophers who might have been real Minbari, it was just the one guy!"
"It's that—it's not that—" He switches to English because it's easier to explain that way. "It's not that 'hyung' means 'older brother', it's that it means—someone who's older and more experienced and whom you look up to and who's meant to look after you?" It's strange to have to think about it explicitly, it feels so intuitive to him. It also doesn't help that generically "brother" is "hyungje"; maybe he should've gone with "sister" as his example, since it's "unnie" or "noona" for the personal and "jamae" for the generic. "And that's—your older brother is meant to always be that but he's not the only one who's that."
"The blog queue got to your interview today," Haru mentions. "I don't know if you're a reading the comments person, I only do it because I have to moderate and also for, like, medical reasons. - unrelatedly once it isn't digging you too much deeper into your multi-year backlash hole to do things with your powers I could maybe let the empathy one through sometimes. If that would be fun."
"...oh. I mean, you've—indicated before—but it was the part about the, uh—I don't actually know what idiolect means but I'm kind of guessing—" Kang Jaeha you need to shut up and also erase Haru's memories of the past five minutes. You can only do one of those so you'd better do at least that.
"Greek roots will get you everywhere." Snuggle snuggle. "I think the relationship dynamics and the incentives around esper partnerships are kind of fucky and awkward to navigate and I don't have a great universally applicable algorithm to apply to solve that problem but I like you and I am going to get you out of that hole and then we'll see where we're at."
What does that mean. That sounds like the kind of nonstatement that means Haru is just waiting for him to get fully guided out of altruism so that he discharges his responsibility and can then fuck off to be with someone better.
...that sounds like catastrophic thinking. It's probably not true. Haru said he likes him.
But he can't be sure, and he can't even figure it out firsthand right now, and Haru will only allow him to after he's "out of that hole" which is a very convenient thing to decide if you don't actually mean it—
"I think you said you have a partner in Canada?" He doesn't actually remember if Haru ever mentioned it but that also means that Haru probably doesn't remember it either and could figure he must've at some point and in the worst case he can be confused about where he heard this.
"What's he... like?" You're not doing an amazing job at not coming off like a jealous controlling insane person. "I mean, if he caught your attention..." Is Jaeha saying that he's special? Yes he is. He is a lot more special than Johnny could ever dream of being.
Groupies.
"He caught my attention via fistbump, not by, like, having anything going on upstairs. I don't really think you'd get along. He's like eighty percent canned lines about superheroism, when we meet up he's usually at least tipsy, I can tolerate him when I'm backlashed and would gladly talk to anyone rather than be by myself but we don't otherwise hang out."
Ah.
Okay!
He can hold onto his poker face when he's been concentrating on nothing but that for the past several minutes so he doesn't start grinning like an idiot. Even though that's exactly the facial expression he's having to clamp down on.
"That sounds unpleasant. Ms. Yamanaka didn't want to come with and I assume you didn't want to bother with the teleport costs?"
"So there was at least part of it that was that we, ah, kind of didn't want to spend much more time together than we needed to and weren't very interested in what the other was doing." Mostly Wo Do-in, Jaeha himself actually had never made use of the "fuck whomever you want" permission until he met Haru.
"Before I awakened I was kind of - there's not a great one-word label even though I think it's kind of common, like, it's not 'trad' because I can't be trad because I'm gay, it's not 'romantic' because that has all these implications of being unrealistic and impractical, it's not 'prudish' because it was just about how I wanted my own personal life to work out, but like, I wanted to - get it right on the first try, go hard on monogamy, fly the boy of my dreams to Canada and get married and stay that way, not like my parents. And then I awakened and was like, well, that's a liability, if I want all the other things I want in my life, if I want sanity and superpowers, I had better be willing to fuck Sparkler - that's the Canada partner's codename, and, like, not him in particular, I met him later, but people in the general category of Sparkler. So I kinda - edited myself - which then turned out to have been basically unnecessary, because, like, I could do without Sparkler in the specific and Yamanaka turned out to exist, but..."
"I can change the subject if I need to. It's a notebooking thing, I - write a feeling or an attitude or whatever out into all its component parts and sorta... kitbash it into something more convenient. But that makes it sound kind of trivial and it's not, I like myself at least under all the backlash and the process only works if I'm also okay with whoever I'm trying to turn into, so I need a really strong reason and I can't just be a complete chameleon whenever it'd be useful to be different for a month and then back. It'd be a lot, to - be the kind of person I was, and an esper. That stakes my sanity and health very concerningly on one specific relationship, which would be a troubling concept in the best of circumstances, and I don't even know if you'll like me once I'm not your only source of pleasant experiences in the world."
He knows that the Haru in his head that's using words in twisty ways isn't real but he sure is loud. Let's get him out of Jaeha's system: Haru sure can plan not to but then if it happens, whoops, it happened, he hadn't planned it but he didn't commit so it's fine.
But Jaeha sounds disgustingly clingy and jealous and that's a great way to drive people away and besides Haru doesn't even like him so what right does he have to ask for anything? Especially something like this, which Haru finds so precious, how could Jaeha ask him to limit the tools he has available for dealing with his backlash and feeling like himself again? The person who likes the other one the most always loses, and that's him. That's Jaeha.
King of losers.
So he's kind of stuck. If he asks he'll come off as needy, if he just says "it's fine" he'll come off as insecure, and so he has to figure out a way to communicate that he's not asking that'll be—not either of those. He knows he's been thinking this a lot but he really wishes he could be using his powers here.
It's a good thing Haru is lying on him and not looking at him because it gives him time to think for a second without looking—bad—
"—you don't have anything to apologise for. I'm just trying to think how to respond in a way that doesn't get me misunderstood." Okay that's cool and mature and confident, good tack, keep going Kang Jaeha. "I mean that... we're in a partnership, yes, and the point of it is dealing with the—magical affliction, right? So it's—that's what I mean, when I say I don't have much right to ask for this kind of thing. If Sparkler will cure your magical affliction how could I object to that?" That was sooooo coooooool Kang Jaeha, even if it's 100% just lies it sounded really mature and self-aware and confident. You're acing this.
"I mean, the way you could object to that would be if you had monogamy-shaped feelings, we aren't partners at a law firm, we're shacking up and having sex several times a day, it wouldn't be weird to catch feelings about it. Esper partners do that all the time, if slightly less often than the fandom believes. Anyway, Sparkler will only be a convenient, let alone ideal, way to cure my magical affliction if I go to Canada, and I don't have plane tickets and don't plan to get any for the next few months. I don't expect to need anybody but you for the foreseeable future. It's just that the future's not all foreseeable."
It wouldn't be weird to catch feelings about it, it would just be pathetic to catch one-sided feelings and then demand that the other side behave as if you're in a symmetrical relationship. But Jaeha feels like claiming that he doesn't have monogamy-shaped intuitions would be the wrong kind of lie to tell even if the possibility of claiming that he hasn't caught feelings is ludicrous.
Anyway, it's all moot if Haru's going to leave after Jaeha's fully guided—or if they'll "see where they're at", anyway, whatever that means. That's still within the "foreseeable future" window, he's pretty sure.
...he really shouldn't hope. Hoping is how he'll get fucked over. He should just—work. Work to be someone Haru will like now. And maybe fucking kill Johnny that's just the jealousy talking and he needs to get over it.
"I suppose we'll see where we're at once I'm out of my hole." He needs a cigarette.
"My awakening was years ago now but it was - I didn't know how to lean on it then, so it was really really bad in the worst direction, I cannot begin to describe how terrified poor Ren was when she was like 'you'll be fine in a week and have superpowers' and I told her it wasn't worth it - and that still looms really large in my mind when I'm thinking about how to characterize - the backlash, myself under the backlash, etcetera, even though I have practice now and can mostly just be an illiterate chatterbox."
Jaeha supposes that not really remembering very much of his manifestation week—actually it was eight days for him, his family was starting to freak out that it wasn't manifestation, they don't usually go that long—he supposes that's a blessing.
"I'm glad you survived it, and I'm glad you—got something good out of it."
That's okay he's pretty used already to not reading Haru's feelings.
He's also incredibly stressed out and kind of needs a moment to himself, too, to searingly regret having that conversation. If he still had access to his powers he'd have deleted it from existence, that was the worst and now Haru knows what an absolute clown Jaeha is.
He's going to need to go to a dentist.
Haru has all the ingredients to have a very serious crush on Jaeha, but he took apart all those ingredients instead of leaving them where they could accidentally get melded into soup for a reason. He needs to be able to separate these things, he knew he was going to need it back then and he is turning out to need it now. It might be that in a very real sense he has barely met Jaeha. Jaeha puts on a very superficially convincing front as a person with a normal range of emotions, and he's very private about his backlash, NDA and all, and neither he nor Haru really knows what's under there after this long, and writing himself out of a serious emotional entanglement with somebody would be so much harder and more unpleasant than simply leaving the soup ingredients in their mise en place.
He's cute though. And very good in bed. And good company.
traceless: it really depends on whether they accumulate backlash proportional to force exerted, time the power is in use, or what. you wouldn't start calling a power an "immovable object" power if actually a truck hitting their immovable thing was noticeably worse than a mosquito, and by the same token you wouldn't call somebody's TK an "unstoppable force" power if they flinched when trying to yeet a battleship, so I think we have to assume that the immovable object guy is just racing the clock alone and unstoppable force guy may not be able to directly circumvent that. however, unstoppable force guy still wins because sufficiently extra kinetic energy can set everything on fire and even if that doesn't affect your immovable object it'll affect the air you're breathing.
🚫do-not-jin: yes
🚫do-not-jin: "having to mute someone for work-inappropriate comments" is there and hasn't happened at all this week
🚫do-not-jin: giving Park Yoo-min a warning is the free cell in the middle
yoo-min-max: you're so rude!
🚫do-not-jin: am I wrong?
yoo-min-max: don't change the subject
yoo-min-max: hey @traceless does he hate dogs
yoo-min-max: should I change my pfp
yoo-min-max: ...is that a racist thing to ask?
🐠nemo: that's totally a racist thing to ask
yoo-min-max: honestly I'm just grateful he tolerates me
yoo-min-max: he doesn't like anyone except Haru
yoo-min-max: I've been blessed
taegun fan no. 1183: i want to be blessed too!
🚫do-not-jin: lol. lmao.
taegun fan no. 1183: ...i feel like that was an insult but idk what it was
taegun fan no. 1183: i couldnt tell by looking but @yoo-min-max cant shut up about him whenever he decides to waste time here at the reception
yoo-min-max: look at him!!!!
yoo-min-max: how could I possibly shut up about him
yoo-min-max: he's perfect
yoo-min-max: if he joins this chat I'm changing my avatar
...ah. It has been a week, hasn't it.
He's... in fact not felt that awful! At least not due to the not doing anything thing, though he supposes probably if he were more backlashed he wouldn't be so stressed out that Haru doesn't like him and is going to leave in a couple of weeks. And he did find things to occupy his time with, even now that he's no longer trying to figure Sparkler out.
"I suppose I probably can. Inventing new hobbies has been..." He feels like this is the wrong conversation to lie and say it was "fun". "Engrossing."
Haru's doing a lot of completely normal dungeons - standard issue pocket dimensions full of monsters on some theme or other which kidnap people, where he's useful because he can be imperceptible to all the monsters while he shoots at them or hauls people out. Now and then he needs to walk through a wall or fly a short distance. Nothing too strenuous, power-wise.
But of course he's also a good pick for a psychic dungeon, since he can self-shield, and they can get one more esper in there for the same amount of load on whoever's shielding other people. And he's an especially obvious pick for this psychic dungeon which is keeping its victims in hollow stalactites, each open on one side and curved on the floor of the tiny caves so they have to actively press themselves to the wall to avoid plummeting to the stalagmite-covered ground and impaling themselves. It's making everyone vertiginous and loopy, like they've got altitude sickness; it wants them afraid of heights and it's willing to insist. The monsters, little gargoyle things, are numerous and they've got echolocation on top of vision, so that's more senses he's hiding from - not that he'd normally let them hear him, but normally he's not making a ton of noise, in a dungeon, to need to cover with his power, so usually it weighs on him less.
Haru flies up to retrieve eighteen people from this dungeon, and since he's got to cover for the echolocation anyway he might as well talk to them, that doesn't add much, and he sets the eighteenth person down and they flee through the exit, and he should be going and getting a nineteenth "person", and he just doesn't really want to play this video game any more.
He sits down on the floor and leans on a stalagmite.
"I'm not mad, I'd never be mad, I'm not leaving you—" He's tapping at his commscreen behind Haru's back, he got confirmation that the suicide alert unlocked the system to allow teleportation back to their registered silo (Jaeha's house) without needing to request Haru's confirmation, and he says, gently, "We're teleporting home together, okay? I'm not leaving, I'm not letting go of you, I'll come with you and we'll stay together there, alright?"
"I'm not going to put you down." He presses the confirm button and then they're in his living room, Haru still in his arms. They don't need to move from there, any farther, but now Haru can break down or do whatever he wants without having to worry about witnesses. "You're not stupid, Haru-ya. You're a hero."
Pet pet pet. "You're okay, Haru-ya." Maybe next time Jaeha should come with. He's not gonna say that. While Haru himself is freaking out like that is not the time for Jaeha to express that receiving a message saying that his partner was a fucking suicide risk was terrifying—
—he's so self-centered—
"Tell me what you want me to do. Do you want to just hug me? Do you want to have sex? Do you want to talk? Tell me what you need, Haru-ya."
"Ugh it probably makes the most sense to fuck my brains in but I'm not actually in the mood, apparently near death experiences are a turnoff. Maybe in half an hour or so. I don't even know how to get our shirts off without unacceptable levels of letting go of me. Don't let go of me. Would you kiss me?"
Jaeha is, perhaps surprisingly, also not incredibly in the mood, because near-death experiences of the man he—of Haru—are also a bit of a turnoff, but he can get it going easily enough. It helps that it feels so nice and right and Haru said he needed him and Jaeha can live in the fantasy that he meant it in a different way than just the purely pragmatic one for today.
He's more himself - his still backlashed and illiterate self, but himself - by the time Hazel and Fiver set out from their original warren. "I should have," he says, "some kind of check-in protocol in any dungeon where the monsters have unconventional senses or the dungeon itself is pulling psychic shit, let alone both. Ugh."
"Good. I don't want to be seeing that one again in a year." Sigh. "I guess I should reconsider the 'talking to rescuees' thing, it was - like, I should have bailed out sooner, that was my primary mistake, but I was talking to them and the last one said something stupid and I was just -" He shivers and squeezes closer. "I thought, wow, that's stupid, good thing it doesn't matter that she thinks that, and -"
Haru cancels his scheduled fourth dungeon for the day - the stalactite one displaced his scheduled #3, since it was such a power match. He writes up an incident report, once he's debacklashed enough to do it with his own two hands, and he doesn't let go of Jaeha all night, even down to zero.
In the morning he assesses himself and says he can do normal dungeons but if anything fucky shows up he wants Jaeha waiting outside for mini-breaks.
Cricket has not yet begun to make a serious study of Korean, but he knows "ana", "kata", the conventional directions, "you idiot", "please" and "thank you" (Haru convinced him that if he says them with withering sarcasm it will be very effective in certain situations), "yes" and "no", "now", "teleport", and several people's names. There's enough people with passable Japanese for that to do for the time being.
Haru is busy slumming it with that smelly awkward man because Haru is far too good a person to let the opportunity to go around saving the unworthy pass him by, so Cricket is doing some of his dungeons without Haru, which is just as well because Haru has no four-dimensional maneuvering advantages at all. (It is useful that he can be imperceptible even to a monster approaching from directions he can't see, but mostly just in that it means he's safer standing there helplessly than most people whose M.O. in a four dimensional dungeon is to stand there helplessly.)
Cricket likes going into four dimensions. He's not very big in the fourth dimension but his fur can fluff out that way and he feels a little less pressurized when it has room to do so, a little less like he's been dunked in water and combed to within an inch of his life till every hair lays flush against every other. When he steps inside his eyes go from slit-pupiled to four-pointed stars, and some of his fur and downfeathers glitch in and out of apparent existence to human viewers even when he's standing quite still.
Woo-young cackles then covers his mouth when one of the espers looks at him funny. "Cricket is asking who's going to bodyguard him while exploring the dungeon," he explains in Korean, then back to his lackluster Japanese: "I'm going to stay near the portal. Were you given something to connect to the Comms system?"
The esper who steps up is someone called Won Seonwoo who has a peculiar power combination. He has a sort of precognitive danger sense, which he can use to figure out whether something will go badly, and also a very thorough energy shield which can shield him and anyone inside it from psychic influences as well as from threats unseen—including those in 4D.
"Hello, sir," he says to Cricket.
That's trippy as hell!! Well, he summons his forcefield, which looks like a hollow transparent sphere of energy centered on Won Seonwoo's x, y, and z coordinates which gets progressively smaller as one gets farther from him along the w coordinate; that is to say, a hollow hypersphere.
They can start exploring.
"Thank you," Cricket says in Korean to Won Seonwoo with (yes) withering sarcasm, and on they go. He is sitting on a person. He is sitting on another person. Does it help if he specifies where on them he is sitting. This person thinks he's a native monster and is freaking about him sitting on them so he is flapping to be mostly kata of them but he's got a paw on their head.
Unfortunately Won Seonwoo can't and after a while his composure cracks and he whimpers a, "We need to go. We need to go right now." And once it's cracked it breaks open all the way, and he starts muttering and looking around in barely-controlled panic, ready to bolt. It's a complete change from the placid-if-strained look he'd been slipping into before, and he hates that when this happens he completely loses his ability to return to a semblance of normalcy but he hasn't tried to fight it very much since, as he said, it's a self-correcting problem, as he wants to run away immediately.
(...it does have some risk of spiralling with him using his power constantly to try to keep everyone out which makes him more paranoid which etc but he's not there yet.)
"Well, don't say I never did anything for you," says Cricket, sighing long-sufferingly, and he leads Won Seonwoo back out of the dungeon. Ana to get through here and there's a little hole that a human can fit through if he tries hard and believes in himself and then they can pop back kata and go down this way and here they are at the portal. They will have a problem if he can't tolerate the pant-leg-clawing approach though.
Cricket does not understand Korean honorifics, which is good, because he would go around demanding that everyone address him like he was an emperor. (He actually had Ren playing along with calling him Cricket-sama for a good few months before he got tired of it.)
"Is there another one of those lying around?" he asks. "Those people aren't going to sit on themselves."
Then Cricket will look for that instead. He thinks from the layout that it's going to be waaaay in the bottom and all the way kata, wunder a bunch of discarded monster shells (they keep shedding and getting bigger, people have probably noticed the shells falling through the dungeon and if they caught any maybe they'll be useful later). Someone bigger than Cricket is going to need to haul all these shells out of the way.
...it's objectively stupid to be jealous of the cat, especially when the cat's been around for like five years. But he was having a nice time with his Haru and now the cat has stolen Haru from him. He's feeling real tempted to use his power on the cat but there is no way for him to do that that wouldn't be weird to Haru.
Mrrr.
"AND I don't think you grievously offended Woo-young, so good job on that too, his power works really well with your amazing four dimensional skills!" Scritch scritch brush brush. "And the pictures look great, I know you feel less fluffy outside of your dungeons but I think you looked glorious."
He is too discerning, alright, he likes Haru for the good and correct reasons okay he really needs to get over this pettiness. He's still... not going to be close to Cricket, because Cricket doesn't like him, either, but he'll work on his resting bitch face at least a little bit.
He does kind of want to say the thing, though, so he has to stop kissing.
...
"I—okay maybe this is not the best time—no I'm just being a coward." He clears his throat. "...what do you..." Gah why did he decide to start this, this was a bad idea, this was a terrible idea, arghhhhhhh.
"...we're all going around exacerbating our bespoke medical problems all the time, and we can't just show up at any hospital asking for a nurse and a bag of IV fluids and get it seen to, we've all got a very short list of compatible people and an even shorter list of ones we know exist. And the mainline treatment options are, you know, intimate, it's not like a nurse would never be getting up close and personal depending on what the problem was but it's a technical task with an interchangeable provider and professional accountability and that softens it some. Human beings mostly have monogamous tendencies and intimacy-specific boundaries which makes it extremely tempting even in completely nonmagical relationships to get aboard the relationship escalator and stay there and this doesn't get less tempting as an approach when securing routine access to, not necessarily sex but realistically it is very often sex, is somewhere between a life support need and a career requirement. It's very elegant when it does happen to work out but counting on it sort of reminds me of that weird Christian denomination that forbids blood transfusions and would just rather die than get one. There aren't a whole lot of things I'd rather die than do. You know, usually."
"But the thing about having my backlash for as long as I have, for—like you said, I haven't had my brain fully functional as an adult—I think I just—I don't know if—" Haru is so much better at coming up with coherent things to say on the fly.
Why did Jaeha decide to say this today, again? There's nothing special about today.
Gah.
"I don't know if there's a 'me' under all of the backlash."
"I mean that—everything I've been doing, the way I've been occupying my time—that's not—I didn't discover an interest in Civilization. Or in the intricacies of malaria net distribution logistics. Or in the, the, the reasons why dungeons and espers are what they are an exist. I didn't dig the backlash out and find those buried in there, it's just backlash all the way down. I put those there because I—" Baaaad idea. Bad idea conversation. Very, very bad. "I put those there to try to make up a personality that you'd like. Because there isn't anything else in there."
...snuggle. This seems like a snuggle kind of conversation. "You have - something standing in for a motivational system, you bothered to do anything ever before I met you. I'm not expecting you to necessarily be interested in everything you try, either right away or long-term? It seems very natural that while you're taking a break from dungeons the lowest-friction route to doing anything instead of not doing anything would be copying my interests since I'm around you more than anyone else? I'm - you seem to be equating interests with personality traits more than I tend to?"
He shakes his head. "That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is—if—you want to wait until I'm out of this hole to find out who I am—I want you to tell me who you'd like me to be. Won't you? Then I can just—become him." He was right he was totally right this was a mistake this was a mistaaaaaake but he understands now why he's making that mistake is because somewhere in the back of his mind he realised that the only way he'd keep Haru would be if he actually succeeded at being someone Haru wants and if he can't find out who that is the normal way then he has to find out the hard way and the hard way involves doing this even if it's pathetic but if the person Haru wants isn't pathetic then he can make himself not be pathetic he just needs to know. "I can—invent myself." He can make himself care about other people, he can make himself smart, he can make himself bookish, he can make himself kind, or arrogant, or protective, or standoffish, or devoted—he's not sure he could make himself not be devoted actually but he'd try—
Pet pet. "Like - you contain processes that output behaviors? Whether you want to call those processes jointly 'a personality' or not. And these processes are influenced by your backlash and also influenced by you having been under it for so long that you've developed habits around it, of course they are, they couldn't not be. Maybe they are for this reason relatively - impoverished, relatively impressionable, relatively all kinds of things compared to what it would have looked like if you'd never awakened or been better taken care of once you did. This is still not inherently different in general kind from any other way someone's personal history affects how they think and act. People get completely normal mental illnesses all the time without compensatory superpowers. People experience life-altering trauma that has nothing to do with magic, or maybe is just about being abducted by dungeons and not interestingly about magic. And they still have personalities, because they still have processes that output behaviors, and so do you."
"...well, you said you—edited your desire for the romance with the boy of your dreams out of your brain so—maybe we can say that I feel like my brain right now is—uniquely pliant. And editable. And I want to edit it to be—someone you'll like. Call it personality or something else, I just..."
Jaeha squeezes Haru closer. He's maybe clinging a bit. "And I realised that—I might get out of the hole in a week and a half. I'm getting guided really fast and—and if I'm right that I can—be him, be the guy of your dreams—or something like him—then I want to. At the end. When you're—okay with the idea of maybe looking at me."
...okay that was probably not literally the best possible thing Haru could have said here but Jaeha is coming up blank on better ones. Haru does not need esper superhearing to hear the way his heart is hammering in his chest like crazy.
"Take as long as you need, Haru-ya."
"...I don't think so." He really doesn't!!! That was, like—he's not even sure what he'd been expecting but right now he's just tapdancing in his own head because Haru is taking him seriously and will think about it and he isn't lost, he hasn't lost, he's not the king of losers anymore— "I mean, I won't," he says, with more certainty. "Sorry, I—was right, wasn't I, that it was—not the best time—"
Kisses! Kisses are very good.
After his fourth dungeon, and dinner, and having some sense fucked into him, Haru goes off to be with his notebooks and comes back with a list.
"Obviously the interpretation of any given item is more important than the words I chose to condense the concept I had in mind, so, like, obviously ask for clarification early and often when editing your brain to someone else's spec."
Highlights of the list include "intellectually lively" and "scrupulously ethical" and "if we are going to do monogamy or something that closely approximates it till one of us needs a blood transfusion might as well do it in style".
"I am not getting engaged to you right this second either! I am just asking for clarifications. So, intellectually lively, have I been on the right track recently with looking up things I think you'll like and discussing them with you, do you wanna critique my approach..."
Eeeeeee he has a list and he's going to follow the list and he was actually pretty much following it already (—hiccup—) because he guessed right about the boy of Haru's dreams in a lot of aspects but he will now be able to get a PERFECT SCORE in BEING HARU'S BOYFRIEND.
Three days later they want Haru for a boggy dungeon full of boggy monsters that lurk under the water and leap out in toothy ambush when they detect somebody tromping through the sludge. It's got a relatively gentle psychic effect: it's not lit inside, which is itself a little unusual, and if you turn on a light in there, you wind up with a blindsight effect, where you can "guess" where every illuminated thing is and what it's doing but report a sensation of utter darkness. So he's going to be flying a lot again, and he's going to be psychically making his flashlight work, and also presumably the swamp monsters have some interesting sensory loadout if they can tell who's in their bog when there's no light in the place and they're doing it from underwater.
So for this one he wants Jaeha parked outside the dungeon for a check-in and a kiss or three between rescues.
Haru copes fine with this dungeon! The little breaks do help but the psychic darkness thing presses only lightly, somebody has brought in a bunch of wooden boards that he can walk on to spare some of the flying, and none of the rescuees say anything stupid, possibly because this dungeon appeared in Malaysia and they mostly do not share a language with their hero, which Haru finds frustrating but not crazymaking. In and out and check-in. In and out and check-in.
And meanwhile Jaeha is... scrupulously ethical. They're in Malaysia, and it is actually illegal to be gay in Malaysia, and his Haru is still being gay at him because what are they going to do, let their people die in dungeons because they're squeamish about the people with superpowers who showed up to help kissing? If they try Jaeha will destroy them utterly, but they're not trying, they're not trying at all, which means that he's not listening to anything they're feeling. He's being scrupulously ethical and he is not listening at all even though they could be planning something or being threatening, or, but they're not doing anything. They're not, they're just, they're just looking. The locals are giving Haru and him looks, disgusted looks, horrified looks, and he is being scrupulously ethical about it.
"That's just me, I'm weird, but try not to let 'em get to you. I am going to save them and they will have lots of time in which to improve as people, or alternately to not do that and still be aware that they were rescued by an openly gay esper." Smooch and he's diving back into the portal.
🐠nemo: bet they thought getting help from a Korean guild was gonna spare them the headache lol
🐠nemo: ask for help from a homophobic country too and shit
taegun fan no. 1183: get rekt malaysia x2
yoo-min-max: that'd be so fucking stupid though
yoo-min-max: actually it's stupid to think that'd even matter, the statistics on what espers do for guiding are not on their side
yoo-min-max: did you guys know that a survey of American espers said that 50% of them identify as at least bicurious?
yoo-min-max: guiding dick and/or pussy too bomb
MODERATOR ANNOUNCEMENT: Please do not use profanities or vulgar terms in chat.
🚫do-not-jin: That's for both of you @yoo-min-max and @nemo
Jaeha's getting guided fast. He's getting guided really, really fast. And he can be most things on Haru's list. Monogamy comes really easily to him, as well as all of the things he's reading between the lines about how much Haru wants the man of his dreams to be wholly devoted to him. He can become ambitious, he can be really intellectually interested, he can be... most things.
He can also be scrupulously ethical. And honest, which is a subheader. He can. It's just that...
That...
...okay he. Kind of likes that response. It's ambiguous and misleading and yet it still makes him not look like a pathetic worm who's begging for scraps of attention and is inevitably going to be abandoned soon maybe today. Like, that's still true, but at least he gets to save face about it.
Jaeha is still being scrupulously ethical, so the way that he knows that Lee Tae-gun is no longer sitting at the table is that he's watching them from a distance, not using his power.
...is that ethical? That may not be ethical. He's not using his powers but—it's okay to just be looking, right? With his eyes? Or is it creepy? Is he creeping people out?
Fuck. Fuck!
But he can't go back. Can he? Not if Lee Tae-gun will be there. That felt, felt—he always thought stories about people who could guide each other from a distance were fake but, but how else do you explain this shit? That was guiding! That was 100% guiding! But Lee Tae-gun himself didn't seem fazed so it was probably very asymmetrical, but also, fuck!
What's he going to do? What's he going to do?
Lee Tae-gun doesn't spend a lot of time at the other Quasar table. He just says hi to Ha Si-yeon and his new partner Kim Chun-hee as well as some other people who are there, blushes terribly at probably being teased by one of them, and then walks back to the table where Haru and the others are.
No! No no no! Why is he coming back! Couldn't he stay away! That way Jaeha wouldn't need to, to—he doesn't even know. People are going to think he's taking a massive shit and he can't even muster the feeling to get embarrassed about it because the alternative is sitting at the same table as Lee Tae-gun. Maybe if Lee Tae-gun were across the table from him but he is right next to Haru.
Fuck!!!!!
He wants to go home. He wants to go home with Haru, wants to be far, far away from Lee Tae-gun and with Masaharu Swan, with his partner, his Haru, not, not, not Lee Tae-gun.
But he doesn't want to rain on Haru's parade. Haru is still backlashed, and is having fun with people, but Jaeha isn't there so he's not even getting guided, but Jaeha can't go back, and, and, fuck.
He can do it. He can do it. Haru needs guiding, and backlashed Haru has fun at these places, and he should not rain on Haru's parade. He will just sit on the sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach until they can LEAVE.
...but he'll also pop a painkiller from his inventory so that when he's explaining what took him so long he can truthfully say that he wasn't feeling so well and took meds for it. He won't be lying at all. Haru doesn't want him to lie.
His Haru is so good he really likes his Haru he wants to be with his Haru and none of these people especially not Lee Tae-gun.
He squeezes Haru's hand right back and—doesn't quite succeed at masking any better than he was a second ago, which was enough to fool everyone other than Haru.
Great. Amazing. He's getting hugs from Haru for what is probably the last time ever and he is not going to get a beautiful Autumn wedding in Canada and, and, and he has to do this.
"I'm a coward, Haru, and because I'm a coward, I'm going to start with the easiest part."
"I'm so compatible with Lee Tae-gun I was getting guided by him from a distance. I think it's asymmetrical. And it—sent my brain down a spiral of—I don't want to be here. I didn't want to be near him, getting—guided—like that, by—someone who isn't you. And it's obviously the stupidest thing to think, obviously I'm not going to have any partners I don't want to have, but it's what I was thinking, that—that I don't want to be Lee Tae-gun's partner, I want to be yours, I don't care if Lee Tae-gun could fuck me for ten minutes and cure me of my backlash—and when you held my hand and I could barely feel you guiding me under the pressure of that guy, I—"
"Maybe. But that wasn't—I mean, that—yes. But I think I'd have been able to feel that from ten meters away. I could feel it halfway from the bathroom to the table. And it's—I knew I liked you. Obviously. And I knew that it wasn't just about guiding, or mostly about guiding, or—or about guiding at all, really. Maybe at first. Not now. So I have to become the guy of your dreams."
Well he hadn't actually hugged Haru back so if Haru wants to unhug he is free to. And then he'll never be hugged again and this is fine, actually, it's fine, he's made his bed so he needs to lie in it.
"My backlash isn't anhedonia. Or—it's not just anhedonia. It's... a lot more. Much, much more."
"It's—everything. I lose everything. My emotions. My empathy. I become empty, I don't care about people, I don't care about myself, I don't care about anything. I don't feel remorse or guilt, and the bad, ugly emotions are the last to go. I can feel sad but not happy. I can feel angry but not calm. I can feel jealous but not satisfied.
"And then those are gone, too."
"No. No I—I'm almost done, actually. I honestly think—three days, maybe. If that. I would only need three more days of this before everything was back. Most of it's back.
"I told you I'm a coward, Haru-y—" He can't say that. "Masaharu-shi. I am starting with the easiest things to say."
"My illusions are all-encompassing. Everything you can feel, I can fake. I can fake your proprioception. I can fake the feeling of using your powers, the feedback. I can fake the feeling of backlash." He's sure the way his voice sounds hollow to his ears is just a projection of his emotions but it still feels like someone else is talking. He's started so now he can't stop. Whoever's puppeteering him is going to keep going, keep the show running, and he'll just let it happen. "I can make you feel like you just woke up. Like you're out of breath. I can make you think you can't move, because even though you're moving your nerves are telling you otherwise.
"You have no way to tell. There is no mind esper who has any way to tell, because my illusions don't change anything in your mind, they change what your nerves are perceiving in the first place. There's no difference between you seeing something that's actually there and something I made you think is there. The memories of perceiving my illusions are as real as those of perceiving reality. You can't tell, even in retrospect."
He takes a deep breath, then continues. "I don't need to do my own detailwork, either. I can let your brain do it for me. I can make you believe you're holding a conversation with me when you're not, the contents of which your own brain generates. I can tell your brain to believe that I said or did something with a given character, I can say I was charming or funny or sexy, and you'll come up with it for me.
"I can't fake emotions directly, but I can mute or highlight ones you're already feeling. Mostly but not exclusively by focusing on their physical correlates."
Another deep breath, and onto the scariest part. "My receptive power isn't just empathy. I can't directly read anyone's minds, but I can perceive their feelings, I can know if they're talking to someone they know or a stranger, if they're feeling claustrophobic or comfortable, if they're somewhere familiar, if they're near an animal and what animal it is, if they're alone—the big things that human brains can do, instinctively, deeeply.
"And then, if I have hold of a mind, I can also watch your memories being formed. And I can grab hold of them and erase them. Once it's properly recorded in long-term memory I can't, anymore, but memories take much longer than people think to do that. I can do it selectively, only erasing parts of a memory. I could touch another esper, notice that we're not compatible, and replace the part of their memory related to feeling that incompatibility with new feelings of compatibility. I can say something, see that it didn't land well, erase it, and try again. I can repeat interactions, find the perfect ones. Over and over and over."
Keep going because once he stops he's not sure he'll be able to say any more things.
"I can't pick out minds using my power. I need to know where they are, through non-powers means. Reasonably but not completely precisely; knowing you're in a room isn't enough, knowing you're in a room and having access to its CCTV feed is. My range is very extensive, but I lose precision fast with distance; this matters less for me than it would for others due to the aspect of it I mentioned of being able to rely on your mind to figure it out for me."
"It's... a self-perpetuating problem, isn't it. I use my power, I get backlashed, my backlash makes me care less about everything, my empathy is one of the very first things to go, it's so much easier to slip into it.
"When I manifested, my father forbade me from working as an esper, from doing dungeons. He said he was going to disown me, cut me off completely. And now here I am, working as an esper, doing dungeons, and still using money that comes from companies controlled by Kang Jaehyuk.
"I use my power all the time. Constantly, on everyone. I micromanage their reactions, I make sure to come off flawlessly, charmingly, interestingly. I make sure to say the right things, to be seen in the right ways. I make sure to pull on the ways people like me, the ways they think I'm cool or fun or hot or impressive, and I downplay the ways they dislike me, the ways they think I'm arrogant or overconfident or mouthy or irritating. I find the right things to say, every time. The right things to do. No one, before we became partners, had ever had a negative interaction with me, or at least they didn't have the memories of any. No one'd ever seen me commit a faux pas, no one'd ever seen me be rude or obtuse or clueless."
"They'd... seen me be passive. Apathetic. Callous. Since right after dungeons, when my backlash is at its height, I don't even manage to care enough to want to manage their impressions of me. I'm boring. I don't have a personality. My old partners could barely deal with it, if they wanted to have sex with me they'd need to be the one providing all of the enthusiasm, at least to start off. And it wore on them. It wore on them that whenever they saw me, I'd be this empty husk, and they'd need to fuck me for half an hour for me to have any semblance of humanity. I couldn't give them what they needed, out of a partner. I don't actually know if Wo Do-in—if my old partner—I don't actually know if he found someone else, or if he just decided that he was better off alone than with Kang Jaeha. He might have. He wouldn't have been the first."
There was one last thing.
"I knew about Sparkler before you told me about him. I know his secret identity. I was so jealous I wanted to make sure you wouldn't ever be with him so I wanted to find out—why he was with you. See if I could figure out a way to—give him what he needed. Find him someone else, something else, so that he wouldn't see you anymore. And then I learned that he has groupies. He's just some fuckboy. That—calmed me down. And that was before I asked you about it. Because—because everything good about me—or at least everything that isn't wretched—is gone. It's just the jealousy and the petty pride left. I can't let myself be seen as—weak, vulnerable. I couldn't have asked you about it, because if you knew how desperately jealous and needy I was you'd leave. You'd find it offputting, aggravating, pathetic. I failed, I failed really hard, but I also tried really hard, I tried really hard to be cool. To not be so whiny and needy. To stalk Sparkler until I found his full name and more details about his family than he probably wants me to have, rather than ask you."
Haru is still hugging him. He's not sure why. He's trying not to think about why. He knows it will be for the last time. He knows there's no Autumn wedding waiting for him. And he shouldn't—feel—he shouldn't cling. He should let go. He should, should, should let Haru find someone who isn't so—monstrous. He can't actually be the man of Haru's dreams, because the man of Haru's dreams wouldn't have done everything he did.
"That... that was all."
"Not Cricket. Yes the—people who were at the same dungeon we were at, when we met, but not in any—specific ways? Just generally. And the waitress at the restaurant you took me to, she was feeling homophobic towards us so I made her not direct those feelings at us. And... there might have been other people, just generally... You should assume I was using my powers on everyone all the time until the day you moved in with me. Except you. And Cricket."
"Part of the—ethics thing—" He's glad he's been reading so much stuff about altruism online because it gives him a lot of expressive vocabulary for this kind of conversation. "Is generalising. It's—caring about people even if I don't know them, right. Or in the abstract. Or for—themselves, as ends unto themselves. It's expanding my circles of caring. I didn't care about Cricket, I just knew that if I used my powers on him and you found out that'd be bad. It wasn't—because I thought it was wrong. I knew it was, intellectually. But I didn't care."
Can Haru please just go. Can he just leave. This, this, this playing with Jaeha's heart isn't—it's cruel. It's cruel that he's staying. It's cruel that he's asking these things. It's, it's giving him hope, and he shouldn't hope. He shouldn't hope for something that's not going to happen. And he could never, ever say that. Any of that. Haru knows everything, now. There's nothing left. So it's just—Jaeha makes no more choices, from now on. Has no agency. It's all on Haru.
So won't he please go?
"Yeah. Of course."
Okay, that's... obvious, in hindsight. The obvious reason why he'd stay. Because he's not stupid. He's not gonna just drop a partner like that before he can get fully guided. So they can stay here for... however long. And then he'll go.
He can keep that in mind. And think of nothing else. He's guiding Ha- Masaharu. That's all.
"Oh. Sure.
"I don't know how much you know about—I guess probably nothing at all—my grandfather was Kang Moon-il, founder and original chairman of Kang Moon-il group, the largest conglomerate group in Korea. My father Kang Jaehyuk is its current chairman. I was meant to be his heir. I didn't want to. When I was a teenager, I was—rebellious doesn't quite describe it. Really fucking gay, really loudly, caused multiple scandals he had to spend quite a lot of money to keep off tabloids. He wanted to find me a woman to marry, some heiress of some other group, to strengthen Kang Moon-il Group's hegemony.
"Then I manifested. My manifestation week was—I didn't really omit anything important last time I talked about it, I didn't kill myself because I didn't have the ability to want things enough. I was in a private hospital, and when I got out the other side it felt almost like I'd been in a weeklong nightmare in a coma and the very first thing I saw was my father, telling me I shouldn't become an esper, I already had a future planned for me, he found me a good girl to settle down with, it was time for me to grow up and get these sillinesses out of my head.
"And I could feel what he was feeling. I—knew, already, that he was never really going to approve of me, or love me, I had already known, but feeling it was... something else.
"But then I knew what I had to do. I had to get out. So I did. I optimised him, I dictionary attacked him until I had a way out. I've done that more over the years, turned him into someone who—still doesn't love me, still doesn't like what I'm doing, but isn't in my way anymore."
He's guiding H- Masaharu. Masaharu's backlash means that he occasionally has to say things. It doesn't mean that Masaharu is actually interested, or going to change anything. It's just a way to pass the time. Jaeha should not make any inferences based on what Masaharu is saying.
"...I... want to say yes... but the truth is I don't know. There are—probably—almost certainly—procedures I could implement that would make me not relapse like that. I am—having some trouble thinking about them right now—" What with how he is in medium-grade emotional anguish all the time. "The version of me that I am right now does intrinsically value not violating people's privacy and mental integrity, and values valuing that."
Jaeha will...
...
There are many, many bedrooms in this stupidly huge house—which could be sold for an insane amount of money, 90% of which could be used to buy bednets, the remaining 10% of which would still be enough to get a really nice apartment—and he's not going to go to the one he and Haru have been sleeping in. He's going to go to another one, one of the bedrooms no one uses. He's going to go into that bedroom, and he's going to shut the door and get in bed and turn the lights off and hide under the covers.
Jaeha's heart had already been doing something funny but with Haru's touch it's going into overdrive BA-DUM BA-DUM BA-DUM BA-DUM BA-DUM BA-DUM so loudly Jaeha thinks he won't be able to hear Haru's voice over it.
"I don't think I can—let myself understand that sentence well enough to have an opinion."
BA-DUM BA-DUM BA-DUM BA-DUM BA-DUM BA-DUM BA-DUM BA-DUM
Well if Haru dies or something Jaeha will also die so he will definitionally be safe he sees that today is a day for him to reach heights of mental illness heretofore unseen.
"Then I'll—believe it when we're there. And until then I—don't have any most urgent questions."
"So, I don't think I personally would have reacted to your power and your father the way you did but I think - kind of a lot of people would, it's understandable as - lapses go, and from there I guess it just got gradually pettier and more habitual, but you can break the habit, you've only poked me by mistake a very small number of times, and - you seem able to carry forward your plans from before you're backlashed into the period when you are, so that's not necessarily a huge relapse risk factor, does that sound right?"
"I—suppose?" He did break the habit with Haru, it's true, but also he'd just been not using his powers at all. ...he should say that with his mouth. "I don't know how much our experience so far generalises due to how I just haven't been using my powers at all full stop for long stretches of time. If I go into dungeons it'd be very easy to relapse into the habits."
"Short of experimentation, I'm not sure. I—the way I feel right now is that I'd rather cut my hands off than fuck this up. But I just spent eight years continually fucking it up. So I have a lot of—uncertainty—around what the actual triggers could be. I only have the one history of sliding into doing it and then sliding out of doing it, there aren't moving parts."
(Man, it's striking to him how the way he's taking sounds so weirdly nerdy to his ears and it's 100% because of who he wants to be for Haru and it makes him feel a little bit proud even though they're not actually going to figure this out and Haru will leave him forever.)
"I think that'd be... I suppose it depends on what you mean. I'd naively only include Kang Jaehyuk in that category, just due to not really spending enough time with any other individual people to have done more than make a conversation go better. —not that that's fine, just, not 'particularly egregious', relatively."
"I usually don't just go with 'say something cool', I go with 'say something that communicates this but which comes off as cool'. But no, I don't get precise enough feedback to know exactly what it is that I was meant to have said. Occasionally this has involved me having to use my powers a bunch to cover myself while I try to infer what it is I'm saying in real time.
"That's when I care to. I could just let a conversation play out for them while I'm doing something else with my time."
"...I don't know. I can try." Not on his own. "I want to flag that I think going within-industry public with at least my backlash is likely a good idea." And most importantly it's a concrete step that might get Haru to stay. He's mostly been running on that, on his words working towards the goal of getting Haru to stay.
He thinks that once he stops saying words he's going to break down again, though. He still hasn't actually looked up at Haru's face even once.
Jaeha fails to do much of that, until much much later that night. He needs to make 100% sure that Haru is still there and hasn't left, and every time he starts to fall asleep he has the beginnings of a nightmare that Haru's leaving and he immediately jolts awake.
On the bright side, he discovers that Haru talks in his sleep, which he feels blessed to know, and finds extremely endearing. He might've found it less endearing if it were sentences explaining how much Haru is going to leave him but it's just random (as far as he can tell) nouns so it can just be cute instead.
Even after he finally succeeds at getting to sleep, though, he sleeps lightly, and the minute Haru stirs awake so will he.
"...no, that's fine, I can handle that. Up you get."
They can have a quick low-effort breakfast - Haru does occasionally import Cheerios with which to take advantage of esper lactose tolerance, but doesn't have any right now, so it's the contents of the rice cooker with kimchi and eggs, and then they can retreat somewhere Cricket's not likely to interrupt them.
"So an order of operations thing I'm confused about is - guilt is a negative emotion, would in theory have been around for kind of a while, and the list with the words 'scrupulously ethical' on it was a while ago too, but the actual trigger here was Tae-gun being guidey at you, nothing particularly related to your history of power use being wrong, and I want your model of... why that might be."
"I've... been... trying not to think about how something like this was going to happen... for several days now. So guilt's been back online. And I think it was just—being guided. I—think I knew it was going to happen yesterday, actually. Even before we went out. Or today at the latest. And I was trying to—escape from my responsibilities. Leave it for future Jaeha, guided Jaeha who would be more able to deal with the fallout. In theory." A theory which has been conclusively disproven. "Tae-gun was just—a trigger for—reinforcing how much I want—need—you in particular."
"People... have a basic right to be correct about reality? Or—if you mean the receptive part—people go into interactions with a basic model of what others are able to know or infer about their thoughts and feelings and intentions, and receptive psychic powers—especially undisclosed ones—break that model, and—people might not have consented to interacting with someone if they knew what that someone was getting out of it and thought it was more than they were willing to give."
"...yeah, that's not how I would have put it but it's mostly right. I would have said something like 'have the tools they use to understand reality uninterfered with' or something, obviously people manage to be incorrect about reality under the most supportive conditions all the time but mind-controlling them about it is still fucked up if you manage to make them more correct in so doing."
"I... think there's an argument to be made," and goddamnit why is he making it why can't he just shut up and be meek, "that there's an extent and—kind—of power use—for personal expression—that isn't different from being better at social skills due to explicit practice and grinding, or just inborn talent. But I'm not sure I can trust myself to—limit myself to only the kinds of power use that would match just that and nothing more—especially since I clearly slide down the slippery slope really easily."
"...I guess in the degenerate case, in principle you could use your power to be kind of in effect a functional copy of mine, just erase yourself from a scene so nobody can see you, and I don't think it's morally wrong to be invisible as long as you aren't, like, spying on them in ways it would also be wrong to do with a camera, but the route by which you'd do that is alarming, and, yeah, you might need a bright line."
"And with dungeons, who we have as yet no way to communicate with to make peace an option, that's fine, as long as it's not a prompt to - spread it around more, but...
"I can be around you to maybe be able to catch you a lot of the time, but not all of it forever, life's chaotic, shit happens, our occupation is not especially low-risk, and... it's not that I'm not terrifically flattered to have played a pivotal role here, the same part of me that thinks it's romantic you wanted a list also thinks it's romantic that you're having ethical revelations precipitated by being in love with me,"
Handsqueeze. "- but if we're being romantic and not just assigning me a watchdog role with a deadman switch that outs you to an intractable number of people if I introduce myself to a monster one day, we need to figure out how you can be much, much more robustly trustworthy than that. It's romantic if I got you started but not if I'm the only thing keeping you safe."
"Yeah. That's why I think going public would help. Get our guild's help. I—think—I know we haven't been in Quasar for even a month yet, but from what I've seen of it, I would trust their ability to help with this kind of thing a lot more than I would have Juno's. So that's a—possible first step.
"The thing is—what I said yesterday. I don't know what the actual triggers are for me to fuck up again, because the only time I went from not backlashed to that—level of callousness—was right after I manifested, which I think is a set of conditions that's really hard to generalise from. It might turn out fine. It might not. From my current perspective it would be horrifying to slide back into it. Maybe the ethical opinions I've acquired in the past eight years—at least the ones that had been there in potentia before they became actual—will be enough.
"I also—what I'm about to say is really suspect for the obvious reasons, but—I worry that we might be trying to come up with the perfect solution to a problem we don't know the parameters of yet and can't know the parameters of until we see the problem happen in the wild, and so we won't guess what the right solutions could even be."
"Would you be able to take note of any time it's - on your mind, so we can look for patterns? While doing a very very gentle schedule of dungeons and hitting zero promptly after every time. On the supposition that it occurring to you is the lesser form of being tempted is the lesser form of actually slipping."
"I think so. I—it occurred to me a lot, with you. I wanted to know what you were feeling a lot. I wanted to know if you liked me, if you thought I was cool, if you thought I was stupid, if I was reading too much into things or if I was right that you were just being kind and would fuck off as soon as I got fully guided because you'd realised how boring I am. I wanted to make myself seem cool to you, I wanted to seem confident and impressive and well-put-together. I cursed your power in my head for not letting me do that.
"I... think... I wouldn't have actually done it. In retrospect. Which is suspect again, but... it feels like if I had had the power, back then, I would have realised that I—didn't want it enough to actually follow through.
"But I'm not sure."
...nod. "Well, I'm certainly the safest person to be tempted about.
"Another reason to not run your entire morality on being attached to me is that - however romantic we're being, you have known me for like a month and I am responsible for just about all the pleasant experiences you've had in the last eight years, if I understand correctly, and that might produce some very intense and potentially temporary psychological results. You still haven't hit zero, even if you had the timeline is objectively very quick..."
"I—guiding always felt good. Even at my lowest. So not all of my pleasant experiences. But all of the pleasant experiences other than those, yes.
"I understand what you mean. But I want to—I mean, I don't want to run my morality on being attached to you. But I want to like you. I want to be a person who—" Fuck. "Who's in love with you. And I want to be a person you'll be in love with. And that—doesn't stop if we break up? Uh. Break it off. I—guess the part where I want to be someone who's in love with you might," lol lmao, "but the part where I want to be that person—won't. Because that person is someone who wants to be themself.
"I really, really didn't want to be myself, even at my worst. I want to be him instead."
"It's almost exclusively about the latter. About—feeling safe, feeling like the Malaysians aren't a threat, feeling like the waitress isn't going to spit in our drinks, like people aren't going to think I'm terrible and spread rumours about me and leave me alone. Like you're not going to leave me as soon as you ethically can."
"I'll tell Quasar about it, and I'll register every time I feel tempted, and I'll review that when I'm back home to make sure I didn't skip anything, and if I do slip we'll see what went wrong and have a better idea of further solutions. What—parts of the problem—does that fail to address, at least until we know more? —that's a genuine question, I'm not trying to—say that it's definitely enough and we should stop thinking right now."
"Well, I guess it feels like I'm being a dick keeping you in an emotional holding pattern but maybe that's just not solvable today. It also doesn't cover the restitution angle at all, but I could see myself settling for you just disowning your father and no longer taking his money. Who in Quasar are you most comfortable talking to?"
"I... don't know. I wasn't thinking of having any individual person do it, I was more imagining getting—institutional help. Whatever they can offer. As for my father, I—don't know how I would—do restitution, I still—hate him. No longer taking his money is fine, not having anything to do with him is fine—though I think he was bluffing when he said he'd disown me. As far as I know his wife hasn't yet agreed to give him another child to inherit this business and if he doesn't get someone then he'd need to pass it all down to my dongsaeng, whom I've never met and I'm not sure my father has either. It would feel to him like giving his wealth to his wife's family, I think.
"I don't know what he'd do if I tried that anyway."
"...is there any reason to care about the fate of his corporation or whether he likes the number and dispositions of children his choices have left him with, I am not immediately seeing a reason to care about that. I don't have to wish him particularly well to want to not profit off his mind control."
"...okay.
"...if we discover that being backlashed is a big risk factor, or actually even just until we discover that it isn't, you need a backup guiding plan. I have no intention of dying on you but if I do anyway, or if I run to Japan to bail Yamanaka out of a pickle after she unplannedly rescues thirty orphans from a burning building or something and I'm not on hand, or something. If Tae-gun can guide you from meters away this does not have to involve anything conventionally impinged on by monogamy but you certainly seem to have monogamy feelings about it anyway?"
He shuts his eyes. "It feels—wrong—for someone other than you to guide me. But—I could probably get over it. If I tried. It might be because of how strong my mental associations are between guiding and sex, from how that was the only reasonable option for me with my prior partners. It feels a bit like—having someone else give me an orgasm. Maybe."
It was so hard.
"In the interest of transparency," because he cannot shut the fuck up, "I am not sure how long it'll take me to get over my—anxiety—so I'll probably feel the need to cling to you a lot and be half-convinced you're about to leave any minute now. And I realise this might come off as incredibly offputting and—make it more likely to happen—but."
"I'm nervous. Seems easy to fuck things up from here. I'm worried about you, you look to be having a really wretched time, but simultaneously also kind of worried that you'll panic suddenly if I say the wrong thing and anyone we bring in to the situation is going to have a problem. Kinda wrung out in general, left over from last night's revelations. Mostly I'm trying to keep myself composed so I can be competent in my dungeons."
"I don't think the ways in which I'm—fragile—right now include being sensitive to specific things you could say. I—feel—uncertain, like I don't—this is the kind of situation I'd use my passive power for. I'm not tempted, but it's—I'd use it to know where I'm standing, with you, what you're not telling me because of thinking it might set me off, what you're trying to hide from me, so that I'd know what—possible futures—I could end up in, and prepare for them."
Pet pet. "I'm being, like, at all measured in the language I choose relative to what I might use alone with a notebook when referring to how alarming I find mind control, but mostly because, like, I don't want to be an asshole and it doesn't seem like it'd help anything to go on a rant about that, you seem to get it well enough to be going on with. I'm more worried that like - I don't think you're consciously angling to get me to make dramatic emotional declarations but my not doing that and the things I say instead might be upsetting or triggering? Or that I'll misunderstand something about you and say something dumb for that reason, like, I was treading carefully when I said you need a backup guiding method because I'm very used to platonic non-sex guiding and don't have a great model of what was going on with the monogamy feelings there."
"I think I'd—maybe I'm wrong and just not very creative, but I think I'd find it a lot more reassuring if you were filtering less because then I wouldn't fill in the blanks in the things you're not saying. As opposed to just the things you don't mean.
"I also want to do some of the emotional labour and help support you in what you might need here but I'm not sure if there's any amount of that you'd want from me. It just feels like I'm putting all of my emotions on you and if I want to—be in a relationship with you—which I do—then I have responsibilities towards you, too, and demonstrating any ability to fulfill them even in advance of that hypothetical relationship existing would make me a more suitable candidate for it."
Hug. "I'm not going to get started on a mind control rant right now because I need to be under control to be safe in dungeons but if you wanna get me going this evening I certainly have the material. Supporting me in this is going to almost entirely take the form of making sure it never happens again, though, that and to a lesser extent making it right for the people it's already happened to is what I'm focused on. You are very sweet and I appreciate that you want to take care of me but my own emotional state is and has always been the sort of thing I like to manage myself, when I'm in my right mind, so the emotional support work of being in a relationship with me is mostly going to be happening when I'm backlashed and comparatively little when I'm trying to make serious decisions."
Oh he's getting a hug now. Okay. He's feeling like crying again. "I can try to figure out how I'd 'make it right' for my father. I can also try to figure out what it would mean to make it right for everyone else but it would probably need to be something a bit diffuse and generic for humanity as a whole because I have not kept track of everyone I've talked to for the past eight years.
"And I do want to hear the rant, when you feel like giving it."
"Yeah, buckle up, it's not fun. His backlash eats his emotions, positive ones first. And he has been continuously backlashed since his awakening, with, like a brief blip right as he was coming out of hell week for his asshole dad to show up and be an asshole, which was when he was seventeen. And as you might expect in a seventeen year old whose emotions are being eaten and whose dad is an asshole his conscience fell by the wayside somewhere in there and he's only just now coming out of it. His power's a lot more comprehensive than it looks on the record and he's been in the habit of abusing it in civilian situations. We are in progress on a plan to cut that shit out forever but I am among other things not immortal and the plan can't be 'I personally catch him at it every time'."
"He bounces off me - he's slipped and accidentally tried to empath me a couple times, passed it off till yesterday as a startle response, it ticks my backlash but doesn't do anything to me otherwise. Based on the description I can't imagine it'd work on recordings, and it doesn't alter long term memories. Range extent is also very scary - Jaeha, how scary exactly, do you know -"
"So, yeah. Guild support in managing that as he finishes getting out of the hole - almost there, now - and verrrrry cautiously resumes dungeoneering activity - would be good. Jaeha unless you happen to remember for a fact that you've never poked Yoo-min in the brain this would be a great opportunity to apologize."
"Can't go that far. I can play with my illusions while pulling on your brain's own understanding of what would look good, and then make up the difference by subduing the immediate negative reactions and encouraging the positive ones, but I can't make you feel entire new things wholesale nor actually change what you're thinking directly."
"It'd be someone to check in with your regularly and whose entire job is to be nonjudgmental about any times you fuck up and who'll be there to help you come up with effective ways to do better in the future. It might be a lot tougher, emotionally, to admit errors to someone whose opinion you respect or feel like you need to live up to, especially if you don't already have a plan for how to do better."
"Anyway, is there anything else you feel like the guild could help you guys with? I just came up with those ideas on the fly but maybe you had something else in mind... Oh, and I assume I have your permission to share stuff to the extent it's necessary with the people you vet, once I've got those?"
Jaeha kisses him back.
(Look, this isn't the behaviour of someone who isn't romantically interested in him. He'd know, because his past partners weren't interested in him, and very much did not kiss him except when needing guiding. They didn't—hug him like this. Take care of him like this. Worry for him like this. He isn't sure what the difference between this and dating is, exactly, except for the—relative security. If they're not dating and Haru leaves, it's not breaking up. It's something less serious. And Jaeha doesn't like it. But Haru kisses him when he doesn't need any guiding at all, and seems to like spending time with him, and—might be settling for him instead of the man of his dreams, because Jaeha isn't the man of his dreams.)
(Jaeha doesn't like himself very much right now. And he definitely doesn't like being inside his skull either.)
(He wishes he could undo... so many things.)
"Do we have any concrete next steps at the scale of hours? ...more words, Jaeha. I still feel like if I do or say the wrong thing something is going to explode and I would like to feel less like that and I am trying to figure out what it would take for me to feel less like that."
"- yeah that doesn't seem like a constructive posture to be in. Uh scale of hours I'm on for two more dungeons and then if you still want my rant on mind control there's that. You could... backread the guild chat or hop on it to actually say things and see if you like anybody in there enough to want them in the, like, support-slash-monitoring network we're cobbling together? Make appointments with the guild therapist folks so you can see if you're comfortable with any of those?"
Reframing:
The thing he wants is to keep Haru. He keeps saying that he wants to be the man of Haru's dreams, but then he's just whining and feeling sorry for himself. Haru has given him a list. Haru has told him exactly what he needs to feel safe. Jaeha shouldn't be approaching those as a checklist of things to do before Haru will finally get over Jaeha's past so that Jaeha can have a chance; this is what being Haru's dream is. If he conceptualises himself as being the man of Haru's dreams, having woken up from this extremely long period of inebriation, watching the way he set his own life on fire, then figuring all of this out is part of being that man. Getting therapy, talking to the people Park Yoo-min suggests him, cutting his father off, these are all steps to becoming that person. Maybe not sufficient, but definitely necessary. It's not that doing them will get Haru to finally recognise him and tell him he's done good; he needs to want them. He needs to want to be that person. The way he'll get Haru to love him, the way he'll get his chance to feel stable, to have Haru want to "become monogamous again" and be with him, is being trustworthy about being that person.
Many of those steps feel scary. So maybe what he should do is write them down, all of them, and then think about them and write down why they feel scary. What feels scary about them. What failing would look like, and what succeeding would look like. What he should do if he fails, what he expects to fail. And then come up with plans for those. Figure out what he should feel about them, and what he actually does feel about them, and why, and why he's feeling that and not what he should, whether those are compatible, whether he's attached to feeling one way or another and why, how much he can flex that, what he's willing to sacrifice. Which parts of his brain are important, and which are not.
He spends... quite a while writing all of this down, and staring at it, and erasing and rewriting it. Not so long that he's still doing it by the time Haru's back, but mostly because eventually he gets cross-eyed and headachey from all of the staring at his own brain he's been doing and has to take a break to go work out in the personal gym he has in his absurd house so that he can forget he has a brain in the first place. He's still there when Haru's done with his dungeon.
Ah, Cricket, never change. He does the last two reps of his current set then jogs upstairs to the living room, covered in sweat and patting his face dry with a face towel. "Haru-ya," he says, when he sees Haru, and the endearment sort of just escaped without thought but also Haru might notice that Jaeha's mood is substantially improved, visibly, from what it was when Haru left.
He gives Haru a moment to rethink his decision to get wet but who's he kidding, here, he's pretty sure Haru's far too backlashed to give a fuck. "I wrote until I couldn't write anymore and then I decided to work out to get some of the stress out of my system and allow myself some time during which I could have no thoughts whatsoever."
And once they're done with that Jaeha will sit behind Haru on their bed while he blowdries Haru's hair and occasionally kisses his neck and shoulders and cheeks and lips. Maybe Haru mostly doesn't need emotional support outside dealing with his backlash but Jaeha still wants to pamper him and take care of him in other ways.
He doesn't write much more during that time. Instead he messages some people from Quasar's directory of counsellors to set up a first meeting and then does what Haru suggested and starts reading the backscroll of Quasar's group chat, which leads him to notice and accept an invitation to the QQ group chat and read that backscroll.
He starts forming opinions about these people. He's starting to feel kin with Cricket, which can't be a good sign, so he'll need to review those opinions later with a kinder mindset, but it's a place to start.
"Smells delicious. I will have to take on some cooking duties once I'm not sprinting any more, see how you like what I know how to make." He wants to be touching but he is not so backlashed that he can't allow Jaeha freedom of movement to complete the last steps of the meal.
"If we start with a walk along the Han river," he says, nodding in the direction of the window that has a view to it, "I could show you some places and see which ones caught your fancy. There's the Yeuido Hangang Park and the National Museum, the National Cemetery is really pretty if you don't feel creeped out by the nearby graves, the Banpo Bridge Moonlight Rainbow Fountain will start having light shows soon, and there are lots of restaurants I know near all of these places. If we're lucky and the cherry blossoms start flowering soon we could also go watch them, I'd love to do that with you... There are other places in Seoul I could show you but I feel like this would be a nice start."
"I think the upside potential is something along the lines of - you really could not have picked a more horrifying thing to be going around doing, for me personally, and maybe it is valuable to have that fully communicated both for squishy mutual understanding reasons and also for Project Cut It Out Forever? And also I thought of a very mildly amusing analogy, but it's really not one of my best. It is totally fine if you don't wanna hear it in any more detail than 'that was horrifying, cut it out forever'."
"On the one hand this could be inviting—stress and emotional harm—that might not accomplish anything, especially given the—distance I want to put between me and those choices. In the sense of—I haven't done it in weeks and there's a chance there's some fragility in my sense of accomplishment which could be disrupted by feeling like, if that clean break wasn't enough, nothing will ever be."
"And on the other, I—want to know you better than anyone else. I want to know you best. So if there's anything you could say that I couldn't predict in—sufficient detail—that means there are things there about you that I don't know. And you don't—owe me, knowing every detail of your life, just because I want to. But I want to.
"Plus, there's a part of me that I haven't entirely, ah, 'notebooked' away, that is still waiting for the other shoe to drop because of how calm and collected you've been about the whole thing so far. That part of me is sure that you're going to be holding something over me, until it can see that something exist and go away. It's the same part of me that wanted you to be completely unfiltered with me earlier, that wants to know—everything, the good and the bad and the ugly, to know what works and what's broken, so that it knows where to step confidently and where to tread carefully."
"...wow, you're doing amazing, I have never seen my notebook thing work for anybody else." Haru also pats him on the head. "Would it split the difference usefully if I complained about, like, mind control science fiction plots? So that you hear more about my feelings on the topic without it being about you."
"Hmm, it'd—plausibly? I... Give me a moment." He closes his eyes, but it turns out to be just a moment, because this was one of the things that was looming largest on his mind when he decided to start writing down everything he'd been feeling and it's fresh and ready to be put to more words. "The thing about—wanting the other shoe to drop—I know I said I haven't gotten rid of it yet but I don't actually know that I can get rid of it at all, is the thing? Or—probably I'll be able to, eventually, but—given how much it seems like that desire has driven such a big part of why I've used my powers in the past, leaving it to simmer afraid in the background could be—bad—but then again it could be good to just stop feeding it altogether.
"I think if—you did the thing about the plots, but then also told me more about—hmm. I don't know. I don't know what would be sufficient, for that part of me to truly believe that it's safe."
"We can start with that, and see what still feels missing, if anything? I digest most of my science fiction these days in the form of telling Cricket what shows have been recommended to me and having him summarize, but probably if it's going to feel very vulnerable you wouldn't want him in the room, I can dig up a short story or something that I'll have time to read or that you could read to me."
"- you know what would work would be Harry Potter," says Haru, after he has located a literal cookie to present to Jaeha. "It's not short but there's several kinds of mind control in it and I remember it well enough for all that I last read the whole thing through when I was twelve."
He got a LITERAL COOKIE from his Haru it doesn't matter that it's a cookie from his own damn kitchen he is being materially rewarded for being good at communication and he is going to do the most creating positive incentives in his head about this he can.
"Same. Sure, let's hear it."
Haru has OPINIONS about mind control in Harry Potter. The casual references to love potions - the author decided to heavily imply that being conceived under the influence is what made Voldemort so evil but has nothing but amusement in her heart about schoolchildren sneaking doses to other schoolchildren, or the less overtly unpleasant of the Potions teachers possessing Amortentia for some reason and displaying it in the school when the school's security measures for in-universe-taken-very-seriously items of value can and have been bypassed by eleven-year-olds.
The Obliviation, on so thin an excuse for having a masquerade that it would have been better not to bother to try, and where they don't Obliviate it's because they can instead coerce and intimidate, as with Harry's relatives; at no point does any wizard ever try to convince anyone they could instead casually overpower or extort. Particularly egregious in the case of Hermione's parents, who by rights ought to have been convinceable and whose ignorance wasn't even legally mandated, and who instead are replaced with versions of themselves who yearn to move to Australia and don't have a daughter, which, if she'd died, would have completely denied them the opportunity to ever remember and grieve their child - she doesn't even give her allies a way to look them up afterwards for the case where the good guys win their conflict but she herself doesn't happen to survive - and given that she didn't die and one might generously presume she put them right later (it doesn't say), presumably created some dreadful emotional fallout, about the resolution of which absolutely nothing is said.
Comparatively speaking Haru is not that fussed about the Imperius Curse. That is, it's obviously an atrocity, but it's not worse than a memory charm. It commandeers the self, but it doesn't undermine it, though prolonged use obviously has plenty of opportunity to undermine someone's relationships and personal boundaries and life plans. A student learning to throw the curse off who jumps onto the desk when so commanded can still come to terms with this eventuality on their own time without any gaps in their ability to do so. And the exercise seemed to have more of the (ostensibly) intended effect than the Occlumency lessons, which -
Legilimency! Fucking everywhere Legilimency! Good guys doing it, bad guys doing it, everyone acting like it's a neutral skill! If Haru lived in this setting he would fucking LEARN the Occlumency, even if no evil wizards seemed to be specifically after him and even, perhaps especially, if he hated his poorly-thought-out assigned teacher who kept trying to read his mind as an ostensible form of education; it doesn't even sound hard, though, like, obviously whether something that doesn't exist sounds hard to someone reading a book about it is not necessarily indicative.
...okay no that all just sounded 1. correct and 2. incredibly endearing. Kang Jaeha is too much of a 25-year-old Korean man to properly swing his legs back and forth like an American teenage schoolgirl from an 80s movie watching her crush speak but that's very much the emotional tone, here, he's finding it delightful to hear Haru be so opinionated about all of this.
He really, really likes Haru.
In English or in Korean he's not going to ask Haru to confess, that wouldn't be cool.
Time to be serious again, though. "I'm glad you have the power you do. As you say, a lot of people are a lot more chill about this kind of thing at least in fiction than they probably ought to be, but I'm glad that you can block it altogether.
"I'm not particularly surprised or dismayed by any of this and I'm not missing the obvious parallels, either. I do agree with every single thing you said, here."
"I mean, insofar as I've identified a cause it's at least sixty percent your asshole dad. I'm horrified that doing tons of mind control was appealing, I guess? And that there was nothing in place to - bring you up short, before now, that there wasn't enough anti-mind-control in the water to give you any more pause than it took to write up an NDA, and that you hadn't been sold on the value of authentic human relationships, and that nobody was worried about your backlash levels till me - were you actively concealing those from past partners such that they couldn't have told Juno even if they'd wanted to be responsible about it -"
"Not—with my powers or anything. I wasn't actively bringing it up every time we talked but I wasn't hiding it or talking around it, either." He laughs at himself, a bit. "I feel like a story trope when I say this but I'm not entirely sure I've ever had an authentic human relationship. Before you, I mean. Maybe I had some friends as a child or young teenager, but..."
"I didn't have friends when I was a kid basically at all. People I'd talk to, sit with at lunch, sure, but I wasn't the social butterfly type. Ren is, I bootstrapped myself up to my present level of social life with a lot of help from her once I needed a social life."
"I think—if that's all—then there's nothing missing. I am also horrified that the mind control appealed, and the only real explanation was that I just straightforwardly didn't care. ...I wasn't under the impression that the people around me weren't real but maybe drawing on that comparison with that part of your backlash might be enlightening about the extent to which I didn't care."
"That was always flavoured as a transactional thing, in my head. If they like me, they'll do me favours, help me with things. Networking and connections. But also I'm very—proud and vain. I cared—care—about my image, about saving face, about my dignity. And—not really wanting things doesn't mean that I wasn't scared of losing them. That might be another useful way to look at it, I almost exclusively felt the pain of loss without ever feeling the corresponding joy when I got anything I sought after, so I was obsessed with never losing."
🐚snailmail: who's the bomb, we the bomb
𖣘fan_death: legal beating procurement in the unofficial go tournament is not exactly national news
🇺🇳 glob: it's international news.
🇺🇳 glob: because I told people in 6 other countries so far
𖣘fan_death: because you - yeah that, that doesn't count
🐚snailmail: ur just jelly
🌙moon'n'joon: that's definitely it, uh-huh
yoo-min-max: oooooh
yoo-min-max: also hi @KangJaeha! welcome to chat!
yoo-min-max: these degenerates won't be able to thirst over you anymore now that you're here
taegun fan no. 1183: no one was thirsting over him with @traceless here
yoo-min-max: shhhh you didn't have to say that
yoo-min-max: it would've been funny to pretend
🇺🇳 glob: I remember being impressed at how professionally unthirsty the interview on traceless's blog was
𖣘fan_death: oh hey do you legal department dishonorable cheaters happen to know why the bell. I want a prize
🌙moon'n'joon: a) no b) if we did why would we tell you b2) especially if you're calling us dishonorable cheaters because you didn't check anybody's ELO in advance c) he probably doesn't even have a prize in mind, like what would that even be
They are. And there isn't fanfare, there's nothing special announcing that it happens. It's been happening for weeks, and by the time Jaeha finally confessed everything there was very little left, and he doesn't notice going over the edge at all, except that it happens at some point in the middle of sex when he isn't watching so he only notices it when they're snuggling afterwards and he thinks about it and says, "Oh, I'm done."
"Like, off dungeons? If you aren't about to run off now that your responsibilities are discharged that could be an opportunity for those dates I mentioned. Unless you'd rather just stay home and have some introvert time." So long as "home" continues to be Jaeha's house.
Haru is not running away. Jaeha is so fucking happy he might die. —oh, that's also probably the guiding, isn't it, "so happy he might die" is almost certainly, like, the actual first thing to go.
"...I like you a lot, Haru-ya," he says, in Korean so Haru knows what he means (and because saying "I love you", even in English, sounds far too serious). "Really quite a lot."
"I was going to go somewhere, I was going to say something I'm sure there were words that were coming next," he says into Haru's skin, trying his damnedest to keep his breathing even and his heart still and, and that's the stupidest thing, really, he can't make his heart go still, and is there even a point in trying with the breathing? He thinks very plausibly not. But it's not like he's trying to hide what he's feeling, he's just trying not to breathe so quickly he passes out, because right now he shouldn't pass out he needs to hug Haru, his Haru, no one else's, just his, his Haru!!!!!!
Haru called him "my Jaeha"!!!! Out loud!!!!!! With his mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jaeha's definitely going to need. A minute. Or ten. Maybe a minute of hugging and then ten minutes of kissing, or something, he doesn't know, he lost his train of thought, he lost his ability to form new thoughts, he's running in circles in his brain playing the memory of Haru calling him "my Jaeha" on repeat.
"You called me 'my Jaeha'. You did. With your mouth. You said it. No takebacks. I'm yours. Okay? I'm yours. You said it." He's reminded of that XKCD strip with the inanity of statements being inversely proportional to the distance to a cat except here it's Haru instead of cat. Not even his thoughts are making much sense, which makes sense, really, since he's not forming them anymore, they're just forming themselves, or, or something, he doesn't know, he doesn't care, he just doesn't care.
And now he's kissing again, kissing Haru all over, lips nose cheeks eyes forehead temple ears jaw chin neck—definitely neck, he wonders if he can leverage their hugging position to reach the back—Haru said it!!!! He did!!!!! He really did!!!!!!!!! Haru likes him back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He never understood the cliché'd thought of "this must be a dream" before but now he does because it must be, reality was never this nice, never, not even his dreams have ever been his nice, even when Haru told Jaeha he liked him in Jaeha's dreams that didn't feel this nice, maybe that means it's real, only it can't be, only it is, he's Haru's, he really is, Haru likes him back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey can they go another round Jaeha thinks he doesn't have enough words to express how happy he is right now he knows he's a bit of a one-track mind on this one particular subject he's sorry but also if Haru calls him "my Jaeha" while in the middle of sex Jaeha would actually reach Buddhist enlightenment he thinks he's pretty sure and anyway even if not he still needs to find more ways to express how happy he is he's not the type to go shouting things into the heavens so he can't do that and also that wouldn't be so useful because that'd mean he's not actively touching Haru which seems like a completely absurd thought he needs to be touching Haru right now yes please??
So on the ?bright? side he's still human and he does get sufficiently physically tired to need a break from these proceedings, but it doesn't look like he's particularly inclined to stop touching Haru anytime soon. You'd think he was the one with the loneliness backlash, except for how both of them are at zero right now, and also he doesn't feel lonely just deliriously happy.
"I remembered what I was gonna say," he murmurs, holding Haru in bed. "I found a counsellor I'm willing to try out, and we'll see how that goes. I... was going to say that I was going to do my best to become someone worthy of your affection. I'm not sure what I did good enough to get it already, it feels like I still have such a long way to go... But it's not like I'm going to stop. So I guess I'm going to do my best to continue being worthy."
"I bet I can, too. You know, the gay teenage romantic I never was but who still lives in me kind of wants to make a little bit of a production of it. Show up at your door maybe a little bit overdressed and nervous about it, give you a ride in my car, hold your hands in public while showing you beautiful places in Seoul, get a restaurant reservation for us somewhere fancy... Is it a good use of esper money, getting a last-minute reservation somewhere nice?"
"I like that, we can do a picnic. It would've been really romantic if we could do our first date under cherry blossoms but I'm not willing to wait until April and besides in practice all parks in Seoul are going to be too busy to be properly romantic until at least May."
...he's feeling insecure about something. It's about... having his ideas shot down even though they sounded SO ROMANTIC to him in his head. Perhaps he should tell Haru about it.
...
He doesn't want to. And he's too tired to figure it out, and it's not really that big a deal anyway, and actually starting a conversation about it this late at night is very unlikely to be a good idea. He can try to think about it more tomorrow. Maybe he'll "notebook" about it. Actually he'll write down that he wants to "notebook" about it, so that he'll remember to do it later.
And Jaeha gets to sleep with him in full certainty that Haru LIKES HIM because he SAID SO and he doesn't say things he doesn't mean and it seems wild to him that just a few days ago he was confessing being the most wretched of sinners and fully expecting Haru to run away screaming and instead they are sleeping together and they are BOYFRIENDS—
Jaeha has the best night's sleep he can remember having ever. Not only is he at zero backlash, but he has a BOYFRIEND and it's HARU. It takes him a little bit to actually fall asleep due to how giddy he is, and he wakes up twice in the middle of the night for no reason at all and is reminded of how CUTE it is that Haru talks in his sleep, which causes him to fall back asleep shortly after, soothed by the random nouns. He gets to wake up feeling well-rested and comfortable to the sight of HIS HARU and he's not sure his life could get any more perfect.
He does still want to write a bit about his thoughts, but he's not sure how he'll get the requisite privacy with Haru RIGHT HERE, he doesn't want to let go. A conundrum.
Right. Okay. So what things did he want to think about?
One of them was how he felt last night when they were talking about date ideas, which feels... scary... to think about, for some reason. He jots that down word-for-word, including the ellipses. He's also got to think about what to do about his father, and he had a related thought involving charitable giving. That one is really easy to think about, though, so he writes some things down and then moves on to the date thing.
Why is it scary to think about that? What feels scary about it? If he tries to force himself to think about it despite it being scary, the way his brain keeps sliding off it is "well of course we shouldn't do anything that Haru doesn't want to" and "of course the things Haru likes out of dates aren't going to be just the standard romantic tropes" and so on, which... hmm. Points at something. Especially given that, you know, it's not that picnics aren't a standard romantic trope? So that last sentence in particular is hiding something. What's it hiding?
It's that... Haru is special, and romancing Haru is not like romancing other boys, and part of that is that Haru is the kind of person who knows what he wants and goes to get it even if it's strange or unusual or nonstandard. But why did that feel relevant? What if it weren't the case that Haru was special, what if Haru did want the standard romantic tropes? Well, then he'd have accepted Jaeha's ideas, which means that if he did like them but also didn't accept Jaeha's ideas that would've meant he didn't want to do those things with Jaeha specifically. So using that particular excuse is a way for Jaeha to protect himself, his own pride. If the reason why Haru doesn't want to do these things is because he's special and needs to be romanced in a customised way, then it doesn't say anything negative about Jaeha and about their relationship. It is true that Haru needs to be romanced in a special way, of course, but the fact that it's true is what was giving that particular thought the necessary oomph to support itself as a face-saving measure.
So, Jaeha's scared that if Haru doesn't want to do those date things with him, this means that Haru doesn't actually like him. That's patently stupid.
But he was still rejected, in a sense, and that felt bad in itself. Why did it? "We shouldn't do anything that Haru doesn't want to" is hiding something, too. Is that true?
Some of it is. Some of it isn't. You obviously shouldn't force your partner to do things that they dislike, that are upsetting, or anything like that. But on the other hand, some amount of give is necessary in a relationship, some amount of doing something you don't want to do if it'll make the other person happy. Jaeha's pretty sure, anyway, it's common wisdom and it feels right to him and thinking some about it he thinks it's probably true. That's, like, the difference between being in a relationship and just kind of existing adjacent to each other doing whatever they want to do, right? It being a relationship means that there are some responsibilities and expectations in addition to the rights and privileges, and some of it is just the mundane "I'll do something I don't really like that much because it'll bring my partner joy" kind of thing.
The fact that that phrasing is where his brain went to is interesting, though. "Bring my partner joy." Would going to a fancy restaurant bring Jaeha joy? He said that his taste buds have been deadened for years and it's not the taste of the fancy food that he wants, and after stopping to think about it for a little while he agrees with that, it really isn't the taste of the food. But it's also not just the narrative, like he told Haru yesterday, not by itself. There's something more.
He actually has some trouble pinning it down, and it's interesting (and unpleasant) that the emotion he feels while he tries that is embarrassment. What's there to be embarrassed by? He wants to go to a fancy restaurant with Haru for an embarrassing reason, what is it?
Actually... Didn't he say he wanted to do a little bit of a production? Why did "a little bit of a production" conjure that image he described to Haru, of picking him up at his door, slightly overdressed? He referred jokingly to "the gay teenage romantic I never was but who still lives in me", but was it actually a joke or did he just put it that way self-deprecatingly in order to protect himself and his feelings in case he didn't get what he wanted? Wow, uh, when he puts it like that the answer is really obvious, isn't it. He cares a lot more about that than he thought he did. He wants it. He actually really, really wants it. He wants to, to...
He wants to pick Haru up at his mum's place, be really polite and charming to Ren and tell her that he'll bring Haru back by midnight and take good care of him. He wants to be driving a car slightly nervously, stealing glances at Haru when he thinks Haru won't notice, except of course Haru will notice and he knows that Haru will notice, but they'll pretend he doesn't while his hand is conveniently located for Jaeha to hold it if he wanted to, and after a little bit of this he'll wipe his hand on his trousers because of how nervous he is and he'll tentatively take Haru's hand and Haru will jump a little bit because he got distracted right that moment which will make Jaeha panic but before Jaeha can properly pull his hand away Haru will grab it firmly and keep hold of it, looking out the window. Jaeha won't be able to hide his goofy grin, even if they're holding hands for only a few seconds because he has to drive, and Haru will think he's really cute, and they'll talk about nothing at all until Jaeha gets them where he got a reservation for. He'll be trying so hard to impress his date, and it's completely unnecessary because Haru already likes him, but Haru will indulge in it because Jaeha looks really cute when he's flustered and trying to hard, and Haru doesn't really care about the restaurant but he does care that Jaeha was so thoughtful and thorough and is trying so so so hard to get it right. They'll talk about all sorts of things, because they just click together, and Jaeha will get distracted from feeling nervous, and on their way back he will be a lot more confident in holding Haru's hand, and he'll walk Haru to his door and look around a bit nervously before stealing a kiss from him on the porch and fleeing into the night.
Jaeha wants A Romance™. He wants to feel giddy and happy, he wants to do the things he never did as a teenager because he was too much of a shitty person to do them and then got his brain overwritten by his backlash. He wants to do the normal things, the things that teenage romance movies show, except he seems to have some really specific images in mind because it's not like picnics don't happen in those movies.
Except... that...
Except that, no, now that he wrote out the whole embarrassing fantasy he's no longer particularly feeling the need for it? And he's not feeling sad or rejected that Haru didn't want to do it, anymore. Why would that fix it? Nothing changed—or did it? He supposes, logically, it must have, but...
He reads back over what he's written so far (God, Jaeha from five minutes ago was so cringe) and the part of it that makes his heart make a funny noise is the bit he wrote about not liking it when Haru rejects something that he cared about. And it's that whole sentence that's making his head go weird, but it's not broken down into anything simple...
He's not going to bother Cricket any more than this, and instead turns back to Haru to say, "That teleporter, Min Woo-young, was able to teleport in 4D, right? And his power can be stored. So it ought to in theory be possible to have ways to move along the fourth dimension in some automated way so people wouldn't have to be constantly asking Crickets for rides and bugging him all the time."
"I guess I don't know for sure but if I think about, rather than someone's whole body being in a single 3D space, they're rotated around the fourth dimension so that a part of their body is here and another part is in another 3D space, that could be a problem? Their internal organs would no longer all be in one place... But then again, they would be, within their individual spaces... I don't know. I don't know any of the maths either and every time I've tried to think about them over the years I ended up getting myself more rather than less confused."
Jaeha is perhaps blessed by his inability to properly imagine 4D space and his unwillingness to force it to render something in 3D anyway. And now that his coffee's done he can go back to the table to eat the pancakes Haru made him and make sappy faces at him because HARU who is HIS BOYFRIEND made him PANCAKES and if anything's ever deserved sappy faces this has.
"As I am new to this idea of, you know, ethics, I'm trying to think about what to do about everything I have due to my father. Case in point, that house at least half of which I never spend any time in, which could be sold for a ludicrous amount of money and then that money could do something better than 'be a house I only use a small fraction of', but I'm not sure if I'm not overcorrecting and if this is even the right kind of thing to think about."
"Hm. I've mostly focused on not developing extravagant tastes in the first place, since I didn't come into money with any of them already installed. The sprawl is serving a function in keeping Cricket out of your hair, though probably a smaller place could do that too if it were laid out supportively..."
"Mmhm. But that's just a—particularly emblematic example. I am a partial owner of a number of companies under the Kang Moon-il Group umbrella, and my father wants me to inherit the majority shares for most of them, if I'll be able to have an heir of my own. Those are sources of income, not just wealth, that I wouldn't have if it weren't for my father. I have quite an absurd amount of both income and wealth that I wouldn't have if it weren't for my father."
"Not particularly," but in the specifics if Haru wanted kids Jaeha would be up for that.
...
Bruh.
"And I've—told him that in so many words already. I think he's really hoping against hope that something about me will change as I get older. Either that or he's trying to convince my mother to go through one more pregnancy for him, which I'm not sure she will, she's got the heir she wanted already and I would not be surprised if she thought I was my father's problem."
"Yeah. But also, what kinds of things could she tell me that would change what I ought to do? I suppose if she says she's pregnant that means my father is imminently not going to care about me," though, fuck, could he actually condemn a dongsaeng to the shit he's been through? He might need to raise the kid himself.
"Mm, but I mean more—what kinds of things could I learn that would affect whether I should get rid of all of my stocks or not? Whether I should sell the house and get a new one with esper money? Would anything change if my father did versus did not have another heir planned?"
"I'm getting the impression that having a sibling you've never met doesn't weigh particularly heavily on you, so maybe another sibling wouldn't either? I think... unless he won't take 'I'm cutting you off going forward' for an answer without a really big financial exclamation point, I think you don't need to return the money, so whether you want to liquidate anything is kind of a separate question from how you terminate what little exists of the relationship, and it's not time-sensitive, I don't think the house or the stocks are depreciating particularly fast. I think if I were talking to her I'd mostly want to know how she arranged never to speak to him that thoroughly, whether there's anything she'd be interested in contributing to a project to flip him off..."
"Like, you show up, you get your briefing, probably you shield some people, in how many of cases do you need to go in yourself, are you ever doing the mobility-oriented rescue stuff or do you hang out near the entrance, who are you going to encounter, what might occur to you to do during those events that you should not, will I be able to be right there at your elbow the entire time to keep the backlash on the ebb or will that sometimes be infeasible. - ooh, they have cheese curds."
...Jaeha really, really likes Haru. Quite an unreasonable amount.
"It varies a lot. For some dungeons I shield people outside and go on my merry way, but those are rare since most things don't need my caliber of shielding and those that do tend to require more field operations. Those will often have continuous effects on civilians that we need to wipe before rescuing them, sometimes literally physically like with Nightmare but sometimes just because the alternative would be knocking them unconscious or physically restraining them to move them despite their resistance. So my usual M.O. is going in with an esper with a mobility power and an esper with a defensive or offensive power, as the case may be, and getting people out of the effects they might be under.
"Some dungeons have more complicated effects, like being fully illusory such that if you don't perceive the illusions at all you fall into an endless void, or having monsters that can enter your brain if you see them and leave with you without being detected, or with more conceptual effects. Those are dealt with on a case-by-case basis.
"I can also often use my powers for stealth and for confusing monsters, which I tend to do as needed, and to reflect monsters' psychic attacks back on them, which is useful on occasion. And sometimes, the dungeon core itself is not physical, and I occasionally have needed to psychically destroy it. It's rare that that's something my particular powers can do, though.
"What I'd be tempted to do is just... keep my passive powers up, forget to stop using them once I'm out of a dungeon, forget to not target other humans with them..."
Okay, he is once again reminded of how much he likes Haru and how great it is that they're BOYFRIENDS. Possibly it's because this feeling is literally a day old. Possibly it's that. It might be.
Anyway yes groceries like normal people who weren't just discussing whether one of them might accidentally become a psychopath!
"I think that—if you were around, it would feel... very embarrassing to fail at this. So there's nonzero effect from just your presence. The amount of backlashed I'd need to be to actually slip up and try to ping you would be—I'm not sure. The flip side of not being in the habit of targeting you is that that was just because I was seeing no one other than you on the regular and so I was just not using my powers at all. If I am, it's—not like I can't target, I can, but I tend to use them in almost a radar fashion, indiscriminately in all directions, so it's possible that I'd bump into you, too." Wow that was a lot of words and not very organised ones at that, huh.
Jaeha sets a timer thing for every thirty minutes he'll enable when going into a dungeon and, "Maybe I could lock the alarm and only someone else," Haru, "can disable it so I don't feel tempted?" he suggests, going to work on the tteokbokki he planned.
(Haru was right that it's usually eaten hot, and if he wanted that the solution would be to buy it from a street vendor, but he thinks his tteokbokki is tastier than what you can get off the street and he can get it to taste nice cold, too. The trick is to balance the spice in the seasoning differently and make larger individual pieces and give them an appropriate filling.)
"If I'm not on hand for whatever reason, like if a monster that doesn't know I'm there nonetheless manages to step on me, then I worry that'd backfire. Maybe someone else can turn it off but it will also work to just go be home alone? How much are you comfortable with Cricket knowing? I don't actually know how good he is at confidentiality."
...that's making him have some kinds of feelings. He thinks he's—feeling more genuine affection for Cricket than he'd been? Or, like, any? He hadn't really put it like that, in his head, even though it's obvious.
"I guess telling him that I'm a bummer to hang out with while backlashed works well enough. Though if—you got stepped on by a monster—I imagine that he'd, uh... have some kind of reaction to that." Amazing words you're using right there, Kang Jaeha.
"Totally legit, you've got like a day and a half till I start doing dungeons again and I don't think you're even thusly committed - actually it might make sense to schedule me along with you all the time. Because you're a specialist and I am mostly capable of operating in those specialist dungeons but am not in my own right worth calling across international borders for most of them, and you are, so I think I'm going to wind up functionally your sidekick."
"No? I mean, maybe not in the ones where the floors are illusions, that'd be a lot of flying for me, but I think even if you need to shield me from something because it goes around my own defenses the marginal cost of one shield'd be offset by the backlash efficiency of working with a partner..."
"Are they generic, though?" he wonders. "It seems like you should be useful for scouting many kinds of dungeons that sensors have trouble with, and the combination of stealth and mobility ought to be pretty good for rescues, too..." Have people considered that Haru is perfect and good at everything. Just a thought.
"I do scouting missions, yes, but sometimes it turns out that in addition to giving sensors trouble the dungeon is also trying to melt off my skin, or it's louder than a heavy metal concert in there for some reason, and I have to turn right around. Admittedly that's not the typical case. And I'm good for rescues but since every dungeon involves rescues everyone has a way to do it or has allies who know how locally and doesn't need me in particular there."
Once the pasta salad is mixed up and chilling in the fridge he writes up these considerations for the guild, though since it will be seen by a relatively large number of people he doesn't identify Jaeha's backlash, just that he was stuck in a hole full of it for years and needs to ease back into balancing it more appropriately.
Quasar can accommodate that! But it might be a good idea to just offer them the dungeons they'd offer them and let them just pick which and how many of them to do? It'll be slightly more work than if they use the opt out system they usually do but only slightly, they'd just need a bit of advance warning.
Is he? Is he really? Jaeha has no reason to doubt his words but the thought that Haru also feels excited to do things with him feels so fake. It makes no sense whatsoever. He does not deserve this luck, and he does not deserve his Haru, but hopefully he will be able to retroactively balance this karma by becoming someone who does in the future.
...he wants to impress Haru. That's the thought that occurs to him, as he reads over the stuff he wrote earlier. Which, like, duh, obviously.
But that's the thing, when Haru "rejected" him, that felt like he was failing to be impressive. Failing to produce something good enough. It's not that he was married to that particular idea of what to do, that particular date, it's that he failed to be impressive and effortlessly produce something Haru liked. He's meant to be sweeping Haru off his feet, so his date ideas should be perfect and his gifts should be perfect and he should do everything completely right at all times.
Man, you really can fit so much anxiety in one person, huh.
And he's... sure Haru would like it if Jaeha could effortlessly guess the best way to woo him in a way that somehow didn't violate his privacy. Who wouldn't? But there isn't, actually, a way to do that. And the next best thing is asking, it's learning the hard way, with words, what things Haru likes. And it's also, partially, learning what Jaeha likes, and then... telling Haru that. So that they can figure it out together.
Jaeha is in the middle of taking a post-workout shower when Haru does this and while esper hearing isn't good enough that he heard Haru while the water was on it's good enough that Jaeha can hear him once he's drying himself off. He can finish that quickly and put some clothes on so that they can go on their FIRST DATE as BOYFRIENDS.
Jaeha has lived in Seoul all his life and has learned a thing or two about it. As an illusion specialist, he has also learned a thing or two about what things are or are not pretty, and why, so he can point those out on their nice afternoon walk holding hands going to a park to have a picnic together because they are BOYFRIENDS.
Sometimes he likes crafting illusions that are in fact pretty rather than just insert the emotion of perceiving something pretty directly into people's brains, is what!
Anyway, the Han river is pretty and since it's getting to be sunset they might see some pretty water and light shows from the Rainbow Fountain, which the park Jaeha picked has a view to. He's not totally sure if those are already on, he forgot to check, but now would be the time of year for them.
"Mmhmmm." It would be SO ROMANTIC even if Haru doesn't think so. It can be romantic if one of them thinks it's romantic and the other thinks it's nifty, right? Right. That's how this works.
Anyway, they can find somewhere to sit and eat and be really quite gay in public in Seoul which he hadn't really ever quite done before and now he will do it a lot.
Jaeha doesn't succeed at broaching the terrifying horrible mortifying subject—mostly because it doesn't even occur to him to try, it being terrifying and horrible and mortifying to think about—and it is still too early in the year for the Rainbow Fountain shows to happen, but it is nevertheless a really nice date with his extremely cute boyfriend and he even manages to get over himself and not obsess over the fact that there absolutely totally are people thinking homophobic thoughts in their direction for a good fraction of the time! A success, in his opinion.
Jaeha doesn't figure out a way to do the terrifying, mortifying, horrible thing over the next day. He also doesn't think about his mother, because that sounds like a can of worms. He also doesn't want to think about Lee Tae-gun, not for now, not until he does his first dungeon.
...
He's just been doing a lot of introspection and thinking about hard things lately and it's made his brain kind of fried and he has no idea how Haru does it every day except that it's obviously because Haru is perfect in every way. Jaeha, however, is not, and needs breaks from trying to get his brain to do difficult and unpleasant things. Which means he isn't the man of Haru's dreams, either, because the man of Haru's dreams wouldn't just run away from his problems like Jaeha does, but he thinks he's probably on a good trajectory? He might eventually become the man of Haru's dreams, someday? But not if he burns himself out completely on the concept of having thoughts, which he was risking, there, for a bit.
Gahh. It's fine. They have a dungeon to do together.
Yes, yes, and it's already been mapped; they get briefed when they arrive.
The terrain is really annoying, interconnected vines and enormous trees with linked roots, tripping hazards everywhere. The plants move around a bit, too, usually not so much that paths become impassable but the "usually" is an important caveat.
There isn't a passive psychic effect, though; instead, there are bark-skinned dryad monsters that attempt to wrap you in tentacle-like vines, who then proceed to make you fall asleep and feast on your dreams, turning them into nightmares. Just physically removing the victim from the dryad isn't enough, though, as the dryad also has psychic vines wrapped around the victim's mind which need to be individually released, lest they damage a victim's mind.
Or, well, that's the case at least if you aren't Kang Jaeha.
The dungeon is open air, and it's permanently night, the moonless sky carpeted with stars hidden by the occasional wispy cloud. They can't see the ground at all, all covered in vines and bark pulsating and rubbing wetly against each other. Fireflies as big as a fist and dragonflies as long as a person is tall circle the treetops, and the air is filled with the buzzing of unseen cicadas. The internal support team's set up around the portal and an esper with defensive powers is posted with them in case any of the monsters decide to come harass them, though it hasn't happened yet.
The monsters can't see Haru. He's sticking quite close to Jaeha in case he needs to grab him in flight, and when he brushes close enough, Jaeha can feel the little licks of backlash come into existence as firefly vision passes through Haru like he's not there.
Haru has a headlamp and another light he mounts on his shoulder, the one he doesn't brace weapons against. "How aggressive are the bugs?" he asks their defense escort. "Are there harvest priorities in here yet or are we still on some-of-anything-as-convenient?"
They have a 3D map with the approximate locations of kidnap victims, fed by sensors earlier. The monsters don't move very much once they've trapped someone, but they do move any, and most importantly the vines are doing their best to make the paths change. There are also reportedly dryads hidden in the dark crevices blending into the surroundings that move surprisingly quickly.
Like this one.
His reaction time and precision are both sufficient to catch it off-guard, and these dryads seem to have independent wills from the dungeon, which means that once this one is finding its body moving in ways it doesn't expect to it doesn't get overridden by the dungeon itself puppeteering its body, and starts thrashing in confusion.
Jaeha can't directly detect minds as they come "within range"; rather, he has to pick something in his awareness and then check whether it has a mind, constantly. Usually, that's "a person" or "a monster", so it's reasonably simple to lock and go. In this case, where the monsters camouflage and blend into the background, he has to be constantly pointing his powers at things and going, "is that a mind? is that a mind? is that a mind? is that a mind?", in all directions. He's used enough to it that it's almost automatic, and it's how he catches every single dryad that tries to ambush them before their defense escort can, but it's a constant passive backlash generator. Then, whenever he locks on, he psychically shreds the monster, locking it in its own illusory cages for long enough for it to be disposed of elsewise (though he actually suspects that if he used his illusions to make the dryad believe it had been killed it would in fact also die, that sounds like the kind of psychic these monsters are).
Compared to that, freeing victims feels like almost nothing. He can release them from the dryads just like that, leaving absolutely no trace of them behind, and no way for them to do any damage on their way out. It's an almost careless flick of his metaphorical wrist, while simultaneously faking the feedback to the dryads' minds themselves to make them not realise they've lost their targets.
So his backlash steadily grows, tick by tick, and he slowly starts to forget why he's doing any of this in the first place, at least in his heart of hearts.
...okay, he still remembers a little bit of the reason why he's doing this, and it's because of his adorable gorgeous perfect BOYFRIEND.
He can't mention his receptive powers, though. Not in front of the other esper. "I suppose we'll have to keep an eye out. I'm ready to distract them if need be."
The bugs continue to behave merely-cosmetically, and the dryads continue being as aggressive and as unable to pose a threat to them as they've been. The other psychic espers have more trouble with the necessary delicate touch to avoid hurting the victims, but to them this is, relatively, a walk in the park.
Jaeha doesn't forget or slip up even once. He starts feeling cold inside, feeling less, and Haru's talkativeness is difficult to engage with, without being able to use his powers at all so that he can say the things he wants to say the way he wants to say them. This is most keenly felt around the other esper, who is not very close to Jaeha and therefore whom Jaeha feels less comfortable being—broken—in front of. But he would feel even worse if he slipped up, especially in front of Haru. So he doesn't.
And eventually they've got the last victim. They're not especially specialized for finding the core and maybe should hang out and make out guide, responsibly, outside the dungeon, waiting around in case they need Jaeha to destroy the core, but they probably won't and as soon as somebody's killed the dungeon they can go home.
Yeah. And since he's sane now, he can work on the answer to Haru's question.
"So one of the problems I had was, when we were having conversations I felt tempted to use my illusion powers. The flavour of the temptation was that I didn't want to be my true self—or, perhaps, my unfiltered, backlashed self—in front of a stranger, and that I wanted to come off as a real unbroken human. I also had the explicit thought that I... was... failing to say the things I wanted to say how I wanted to say them because I didn't know how."
"That... could work," he says, thoughtfully. "I feel like there's something I ought to take some time thinking about..." Jaeha wants to call it "notebooking" but he feels embarrassed doing so in front of Haru, since Jaeha probably isn't doing it right. "If we—hadn't talked about anything—it would've been fine, I think. Or if I hadn't had to respond. Thinking about it. So it seems like I really care about the expressive use of my powers while backlashed."
"Yeah..." Which is not a conclusion he loves. "...I don't think I was close to slipping up?" he offers. "The closest I got was this one time I thought I had done it to gauge our escort's emotions but it turned out I was just reading her body language. I felt tempted to use but not actually in danger of using my powers, I think."
"I think this might benefit from practice outside dungeons? I—even without backlash, I seem to care a lot about how I come off... And I'm hacking this with you by thinking that you'd prefer me to be... raw... and also by thinking that if anyone gets access to my whole brain it's you. But—I haven't really been around people very much, over the past several weeks, and exposure to them could be good for me."
There isn't much official. It seems like you can just create an event, if you want, and it'll show up on the official company calendar, and they're just relying on people being too Korean and/or too scared of having their name out there to prevent vandalism. You can tag your event and then filter events by tag: video games, in-person games, tournaments, bars, restaurants, karaoke, sports, so on so forth.
It's a company with over five thousand people so the calendar is... a lot. It's a lot.
"Let's see, what else... I didn't feel tempted to read our escort's emotions, which I think I would have, had I used my illusions on her, to see how they were landing, but—I don't remember how much I explained this, my receptive power isn't really passive? I need to look at something—for some values of "look"—and then point my power at it to see whether there's a mind in there—so in that dungeon I was doing that constantly in all directions at all things, and it would've been easy to target her accidentally. It was taking some attention not to."
"Not exactly directional, it's—targeted. I can't passively know that a mind is there, not without explicitly pointing my power at a thing I roughly know must be somewhere specific. —it wouldn't be as much as a scan, either, maybe a very short snapshot but if I'm just pinging I don't get enough time to really form an impression. So that... is probably workable... but I'll have a bit of a time explaining why I'd never mentioned this to the people I've worked with regularly in the past. The world of psychic espers is kind of small, I know every other active psychic esper in Korea and they know me."
"I could, but I think the personalisation is pulling some weight. Your phrasing is good, in any event, and it's making me more confident that such phrasings in general are possible. ...noting aloud, I seem to default to very pessimistic that it's possible to communicate difficult things with just words." Which is the dumbest possible hangup and the definition of a skill issue. He'll actually go ahead and write that one down because it feels like he ought to remember it in the future.
The specific thing they are doing right now is scary. It's not too scary to do at all, but Haru's ready to flinch about it, like if he were trying to pick up a snake that might wrap gently around his hand no problem but might strike; he is prepared to discover at any instant that actually he can't handle this and it's too vulnerable he isn't ready and he needs to lock down again.
On the topic of Jaeha in general, though, the way they're curled up together, that's very comfortable and fond and warm, maybe because he can flinch about the mental contact whenever he wants and everything else between them is definitely safe.
A little longer-term anxiety about Project Cut It Out Forever, it's surprisingly complicated - not very surprising but yes very complicated - but not in a way that has called into question whether it's worth undertaking and sticking around to see through.
Haru is maybe a bit lower on the somaticized emotions in general than most people. There's the faintest flickers of the correlates of other thoughts going by but they're happening almost entirely on a level Jaeha can't read, not because Haru's not letting him but because Jaeha's power doesn't extend in that more verbal direction. Tiny flecks of pride and curiosity and satisfaction that register in the nerves for only an instant before being packed away neatly as endorsed attitudes or dismissed passing fancies.
"Haah," he breathes, closing his eyes. "I need—can I have a minute with just this? I'm—" This soothes Jaeha's deep, primal emotional core in a way he didn't know was possible.
Haru likes him. Haru really, actually likes him. It's right there, plain as day, Jaeha can feel it.
"This means more than I can say," he murmurs, just basking on the feeling, on the way Haru's warmth mirrors his, the way the easy comfort around Jaeha matches his own comfort around Haru.
The backlash cost of doing this is minimal, and more than made up for by the snuggling, adding only a buzz to the snuggling so soft it's barely even there.
"I—don't get emotions directly. It's all, what you're feeling in your body plus some things about what those feelings are pointing to, what you're perceiving and focusing on in broad strokes. I can't tell that you're looking at me, but I can tell that you're near a person, and it's only one person, and it's someone you feel very close to. Stuff like that.
"And—people get fleeting thoughts and emotions and feelings all the time, right, but you're constantly—organising yours. Feel a feeling, look at it, put it away. I'm not sure you're even doing it consciously most of the time?"
"I can't get the intellectual part at all, it's just the feelings. ...we had a goal with this but given that the way you seem to feel is 'comfortable with maybe a bit of anxiety about the empathy' I'm not sure how I'd... learn anything..." He really didn't think it through his brain just went offline when Haru suggested letting him look.
"No, but I get the impression that you don't really... keep your heart on your sleeve, is what I want to say? You may not actively want to hide you're feeling some way or other but you're pretty at peace with what's going on inside you a lot of the time, maybe?" Heeee's feeling kind of nervous about armchair psychoanalysing his boyfriend like this and that is stupid and dumb, Haru likes him, he can feel it.
"Yeah, I do. Which—is also why this means so much to me." Because even though Haru is tense and apprehensive and doesn't want to do this all the time he is still DOING IT and Jaeha can FEEL IT and know that HARU LIKES HIM. Haru might have noticed that Jaeha's heart has been doing something funny kind of nonstop.
Jaeha feels like there was some practical matter they might have been in the middle of discussing but he kind of doesn't want to think about that to try to remember what it was. He just wants to keep hugging Haru and feeling what he's feeling, even if it won't be something they can do all the time.
Does that make him less the guy of Haru's dreams? Would that guy be trying to be more efficient at solving The Problem, whatever the problem was, he doesn't he remember? Should he feel bad about not doing that? He doesn't want to do that. Maybe he wants to want to do that, he doesn't know. There's a really tempting line of thought that the way to become the guy of Haru's dreams isn't by forcing himself through the motions of doing what Jaeha thinks that guy would do, it's by doing more thorough, holistic changes to who he is as a person, and Jaeha even thinks that logic probably mostly holds up, but it's very convenient that it means that he doesn't have to do something other than feeling Haru next to him.
He really likes Haru.
"Okay," he says, not that Haru needed his permission or assent. There's that moment of backlash for the fraction of a second before Haru gets his shields back up and Jaeha stops trying, and then there's silence.
Jaeha... misses it less than he'd have expected. Misses it, still, it was so nice, but... he can wait. Haru will open up to him again, in the future, and even if he doesn't, the last bits of Jaeha's reluctance to believe the world really is that nice have flaked off, and he's just... happy. Uncomplicatedly. Life is good.
Thoughtful silence. Then: "Okay, so, our conclusions are non-dungeon social exposure therapy, pending fishing for invitations to events at which to do that; probably not running dungeons together so you can be the strong and silent type in yours while I'm a chatterbox in mine, unless there's one where we wouldn't need anyone else with us; if for some reason it does make sense for us and also third parties to run a dungeon in a group we can see if there's a language they don't speak that we do; whoever is running dungeons with you can be informed that you'd be sacrificing a little reaction time to definitively exclude them from your scanning ability and make their decisions on that... am I forgetting anything?"
Ah. Those were The Problems—or, rather, the solutions to The Problem. Yes. He remembers them now. And the guy of Haru's dreams would stop and think about it and try to remember their conversation and figure out if there's anything they missed, so...
"I also need to figure out—this might need therapy—why it bothers me so much to not come off the way I want to. There was—something that changed—when I was a teenager I was really intensely trying to rile people up and get them to dislike me," mostly his father, "so clearly I've got the, the, the ability to do it, so to speak..." When did he become so normie?
"...I suppose that's true." It does have a certain resonance to it, something about... "Something about, if people are going to be disgusted by how much of a homo I am, I'm going to make sure they're as disgusted as I want them to be..."
Oh good job Kang Jaeha you have just shown your whole ass to Haru. This is the kind of thing you should've notebooked.
Jaeha should maybe also do some notebooking.
Instead he is not going to. Because he feels mentally wrung out and he just explicitly admitted to having daddy issues in front of Haru and he feels like stuff kind of sucks in some vaguely nebulously-defined way when it comes to his brain and oh right he has a response to this and it is to go work out, he is going to be SO FIT. ...EVEN FITTER than he already is, that is.
The guild is informed of their updated scheduling protocol. Haru does an easy dungeon the next day, which looked a lot harder than it was; he probably could have soloed it, though it would have taken longer. He comes home while Jaeha's still out, having used more bullets than magic, and not all that backlashed. In fact, he can read, as long as the thing he's reading is directed at him in a loosely conversational way. Cricket apurr on his back, he flops facedown on the couch and does some Reading The Comments and Checking His Email.
Youre a pathetic washout. How dare you think you're good enough for Kang Jaeha? You haven't known him as long as Wo Do-in, you don't understand him like Wo Do-in does, and you'll never be a tenth the partner Wo Do-in is. You're not even pretty and your powers are so pathetic and useless, Jaeha is just having pity on you. I can't wait for him to dump you like the garbage you are, but if you were worth anything you would have gone back to Japan rather than take advantage of his kindness like this. I hope you kill yourself in a fire.
Your jealousy of Wo Do-in-oppa is literally psychopathic... just because you see someone else dare to have something good in their life, you decide you've got to tear it apart? Why can't you realize that it'll never be you he cares about, you'll never have what Wo Do-in-oppa did, and stop forcing Jaeha-oppa to pretend with you?
I know you don't know me and I feel really weird sending this email and I bet you're not even going to read it but I wanted to get it out somewhere.
Thank you. It's silly and stupid that seeing you and your partner being in love in public like that, not caring about who was watching or even which country you're in, meant so much to me, but it did. It meant a lot. It made me feel like maybe things aren't going to be awful forever. You're Japanese and he's Korean so you probably know what it's like, the way we all pretend we're so modern and developed while still holding onto stupid traditions that don't help anyone and just make us feel small and weak and scared. So thank you for being big and strong and and brave instead.
Yours truly,
a Malaysian boy who has a bit more hope for the future now.
omg ur soooooo hot you're even hotter than Wo Do-in-hyung I drew you I hope you like it
Attached to the email is a set of drawings of Haru giving Jaeha head from various different angles. They're actually really good drawings, coal on paper and lovingly detailed, capturing their faces perfectly and taking a really good shot at a guess of what they look like naked.
Hey, sorry to email you out of the blue like that, but I was reading this post of yours about the statistics of esper compatibility and it doesn't take exactly the same tack as my research does but it's pretty similar so you might be interested? Here's the paper on arXiv, it's currently undergoing peer review and if it passes it'll be published here.
Someone saying Cricket is gorgeous. Someone nitpicking one of his blog posts. Another thirsty fangirl, this one linking Haru/Jaeha RPF they wrote on AO3. Someone who's happy Haru stole Jaeha from Wo Do-in because they think Wo Do-in is a jerk. Someone who wants to know if Haru and Jaeha and Sparkler have ever had a threesome. Someone who thinks Haru's research is bad and sloppy and who links their own blog, which is itself bad and sloppy and kind of crackpot-y. Someone thanking Haru for all the effort he puts into his posts. Someone thanking Haru for how nice he always is to people he runs into, themself included. Someone who's really mad that Jaeha stole Haru from them because they want to have Haru for themself. Someone who claims they're interviewing espers with dual-citizenships for unclear statistical purposes.
Haru is potentially willing to be interviewed for unclear statistical purposes if they could become clearer statistical purposes. It is always nice to hear that his affect when he's in dungeons is landing well. ...the RPF can go in a tab in case Jaeha gets a kick out of it. Cricket dictates a reply to the compliment in which he says that presumably everyone with eyes knows he's gorgeous but few people take the time out of their day to remark on this obvious fact.
To bed!
"I understand that. And I—am not saying this to insist, but just to add a model of—it's sometimes useful, to me, to think of the person I'm presenting as more real than the person I'm feeling like, since... I'm choosing to be him. And I'm not choosing to be—this."
"The problem I was trying to solve with it was—I still feel like I want to consider the—person I'd be without backlash the real me, that's, that's a big part of why I used to use my power for communication. If I'm just the person I look like I am under backlash that makes me feel... small and helpless. But if I could—set policy, like you said—what the real me would've wanted was for you to fuck my brains in regardless of what it looked like I was feeling at the time.
"...though even then having you tell me to get on my knees and suck your cock was extremely hot, I'd like it if that happened more often."
"It's a—parasocial fan thing. Picture teenage girls going to K-pop concerts and hoping that the cute boy from the boy band she likes will fall in love with her as soon as he signs an autograph, as if he isn't fucking the bandmate right next to him. ...or, in this case, I suppose they must be fujoshi."
"Mmhm. I'm still not entirely sure what to tell people that I've worked with a lot before, though; your suggestion was a good fallback but it does leave the impression that I'm kind of incompetent for not having noticed it in all these years..." The ways in which Jaeha is incompetent are unrelated to that.
🔔traceless: it was me, though I did also forward it to him.
🍉melonmelon: traceless you're relevantly multilingual, should one of them change their name
🔔traceless: it's only confusing in Latin characters, nomu could spell it in Japanese and it wouldn't be at all. I think "nemo" is literally Latin so nomu is the one who has to change though if either does
taegun fan no. 1183: what's so awful about it?
KangJaeha: I'd like to be able to do my job and not also have complete strangers speculating about my relationships while I'm at it
taegun fan no. 1183: I mean, you guys were pretty public...
KangJaeha: My relationship with @traceless was not the only one people were speculating about
KangJaeha: And I'm just trying to do my job
taegun fan no. 1183: ...sorry
KangJaeha: No, you don't have anything to apologise for, sorry
KangJaeha: It's just a pain
🔔traceless: the emails don't bother me, there's a decent section of my backlash where I can read stuff directed at me and can't read a book and I catch up on blog comments and mail then, but I do think a lot of them reveal questionable character on the part of the senders and they will probably feel awkward about it when they grow up
yoo-min-max: some of the thirsty ones are funny, and I got linked a really good slash fic once
yoo-min-max: that was from before @SenSoJoo and I were dating
yoo-min-max: they got the way he has me in the palm of his hand just right
yoo-min-max: always nice to see some good characterisation in these
🚫do-not-jin: I cannot comprehend the appeal
🍸飲むか: you're ace, of course you can't
🐠nemo: I'm not ace and I also can't
🍸飲むか: you're seafood, of course you also can't
🐠nemo: ╭∩╮
MODERATOR ANNOUNCEMENT: Please do not use vulgar kaomoji in chat.
yoo-min-max: ok but given that they're already written
🚫do-not-jin: you're still giving them views on the website, and that incentivises them
yoo-min-max: what if the subject consents?
🚫do-not-jin: yes I feel a lot fewer qualms about people writing slash fic of you
🚫do-not-jin: ...don't know about Seungjoo
The next day Jaeha doesn't have any dungeons scheduled, since they're taking it slow at the beginning, but what he does have is his first therapy session. Remote, naturally, because he doesn't want to run the risk of feeling tempted to mind control his therapist, that'd be wholly counterproductive.
"With esper clients, very few. A court order could compel me to speak but they're reluctant to issue those; and I am also allowed to call an ambulance or your partner for you if I think you're having a medical emergency even if I can't explain to them why I think so. If I suspect child abuse I am allowed to report that."
Hm. The legal mandate thing is... troubling... but realistically, if the government asked him to disclose his powers, would he... refuse?
"Are there any circumstances under which you'd need to disclose information related to past actions without ongoing effects, if they don't involve child abuse? Would you need to report it if your patient was the one abused in the past?"
"I not only don't need to but must not report if a client was abused in the past, if they don't want me to. If a client came under suspicion for... a reopened cold case, I guess I'd have to comply with a court order about that, but it's never happened to anyone that I've heard about; I can't think of anything else where it might come up if it's all in the past."
Man he has no idea how to answer this question. Or rather, he's scared of answering it completely honestly, especially when he barely knows this person.
"Is it alright if I don't give you a full answer? I'd rather..." How should he put this. "...build a rapport before I'm fully comfortable?"
No, not really.
Uhhhhh.
Should he maybe have prepared himself better. Maybe he should've. That would've been smart. He had been kinda treating therapy as this black box into which you insert broken Jaeha and out of which you pluck fixed Jaeha, maybe with a training montage in the middle but uh. That was. Perhaps. The wrong move.
"Probably, but I'm kind of drawing a blank now that it's time to actually do it."
"Recently, yeah. Though—I've been trying with reasonable success to instead try to become a person he'd be proud of, rather than just taking actions he'd be proud of, and—that person, if I become him, will not want to become someone else, so he should be—stable." Wow does he want to erase her memory of what he just said, except he really actually doesn't, it's just that he's feeling embarrassed and his habitual flinch response to feeling embarrassed is wanting to make it not have happened.
"...to some extent. He doesn't want it to be the case that we need to be together for me to be alright—and I don't, either." Even if the prospect of not being with Haru makes him want to throw himself out the window. "But if I can get there some way that relies on him that's not objectionable in principle." Lol. Lmao.
He'd still rather not talk about what he did instead right now.
"And instead I obsessed—obsess—with figuring out the best way to be charming or funny or interesting or likeable, I'm constantly conscious of what people are feeling and thinking and how they could be interpreting me, I'm constantly tracking the way people seem to feel about me and trying to adjust everything I do or say to try to get the impression I want."
"Get me a last-minute reservation at a fancy hotel or restaurant. Find details about an esper I'm looking into to maybe hire." Lol. "Get me an in with a research department studying a promising dungeon material. Just say my name in positive tones around people who might be feeling generously disposed. It's like having hands, what do you do with your hands, well, everything hands can do."
"We met in Japan, he was rescuing people from a psychic dungeon whose effects turned out stickier than expected and I was requested personally—he has this really charming habit of fist-bumping other espers so as to gauge compatibility in a way where flinching from incompatible touches isn't socially marked, and we fist-bumped and turned out to be really compatible. His backlash is loneliness and he asked if we could hang out after the dungeon and we did. We chatted and spent a while together and eventually—got together.
"I didn't have the best relationship with my old partner and I knew he was on the verge of deciding to leave; Haru's old partner's backlash is needing to be left alone, which is super compatible on paper but meant that she wanted to forget he existed so they did only the bare minimum of physical contact necessary for guiding and it was unpleasant for both of them.
"My old guild made Haru a mediocre offer to join, Haru's old guild made me a mediocre offer to join, Quasar made really extremely attractive offers to both of us, so now we're in Quasar, and partnered, and we live together."
That's a good point.
"I think I'd been—resigned—to being unable to do that with someone whom I got as close to as a partner. That wasn't my first time. And I had in fact, at first, been conceiving of my potential partnership with Haru as inevitably doomed and temporary.
"It's probably relevant that my backlash is apathetic depression and it's hard to care about those control desires when I don't care about anything else."
"My acute backlash is very, very strong. The way it works for me is that I get to the nearly-unbearable levels of the psychological symptoms very quickly, and then if it gets sublimated into the delayed form they get more manageable. But that means that right after dungeons I would always be—always am—very passive and apathetic and uninterested in anything, and since that's when I'm getting guided and seeing them most closely..."
Which isn't the whole story but, again, he is not comfortable telling a stranger the whole story yet. Even if that may make it... harder... to help him. But if this therapist can't handle that then they're not gonna have a great time together, are they.
"My father is Kang Jaehyuk from Kang Moon-il group. I'm his only heir, and he had very specific expectations of me, including the assumption that he would be the one to decide whom and when I'd marry like his father did for him, as well as that I would be always mindful of how my actions reflect upon the family name. If you've ever read those light novels or manhwas with rich magnate parents fucking up their kids, they're almost a textbook description of our relationship."
"So this one might not be the best example because I've kind of already worked ninety percent of it out but I think it's kind of—emblematic. And it wasn't really that bad, either, because it was with Haru, and—I feel safe with him.
"We didn't start dating until very recently, and for one reason or another we hadn't really gone on any proper dates until then. And when we did I had—some suggestions for what we could do, involving me showing him around Seoul some since he hadn't had the opportunity, and doing some nice things, and he—shot down some of my ideas. ...that sounds harsher than I mean. Concretely, one of the things I suggested was taking him to a nice fancy romantic restaurant, and he said that he wasn't really much of a foodie and that some of the effect of that would be lost on him. I did have other suggestions, and we went with some of them, but it felt really bad for him to refuse a couple of the ones that I felt were most—centrally romantic, like the kinds of things you see in movies.
"And it's not like a picnic by the Han river isn't also the kind of romantic thing you see in movies. And it took me a bit to understand where I was coming from, why I had felt bad, and—had it been someone else I probably just wouldn't have suggested something that had the possibility of being rejected. I've lived a lot of my life like that, only suggesting things I know will be accepted, only making requests I know I'll get. With him I didn't—don't, anymore—and so it got rejected, and I felt like I wanted to roll back and try again, wanted to have a redo of that conversation in which I effortlessly suggested only and exactly the things that he'd like the most out of a first date, be the perfectly discerning boyfriend.
"Because if I'm not the perfect boyfriend then he might leave, and that'd be awful. Because if he rejects something I wanted then that means he is fundamentally rejecting a part of who I am—I don't actually think that, to be clear, but that's what it felt like and I think it would've wormed its way into my subconscious if I hadn't explicitly tried to figure out why I felt the way I felt afterwards. Because of course his taste is perfect and flawless and it's me who should change and adapt and I should guarantee he never ever has a bad time in our relationship and it's all sun and roses forever and we have a beautiful Autumn wedding in Canada. If he ever has a bad time he might leave, and that'd be awful.
"And one thing that I thought, later, when I was putting my feelings under the microscope, was that that was all very stupid and also Haru wants to be in a relationship with me and relationships aren't things where everything is perfect forever, they're things where you're prioritising the other person highly and you want them to be happy and that will sometimes mean doing things you don't want to do or make sacrifices for them and that this is symmetrical and it shouldn't always be me who makes sacrifices because if it is then it's not a relationship it's just slavery. And obviously this is so small, small enough that after I had distilled all of these thoughts into their component parts I actually no longer cared about the restaurant. I figured out that I ought to ask things of him, when they mattered to me, and we could talk about what would make both of us happiest."
"And yet I completely failed to bring the topic up over the past several days because the thought that I might inconvenience him," especially after all the everything about how he's a horrible villain, "feels terrifying and it is furthermore really embarrassing to have to admit that I felt bad that he didn't want to go to a fancy restaurant with me when I turned out to not even want it that much either, and if I act embarrassing or immature or needy or clingy he will surely get tired of me and leave."
He's happy to be an interesting case study.
"It is in full recognition that this is insane and not true that I say that my immediate, intuitive emotional response is 'being with me is sacrifice enough'. Other than that..." He didn't exactly ask Haru to spend a month on an insane schedule so that he could accumulate enough backlash to help guide him to zero most efficiently but that wasn't not a sacrifice he made for Jaeha's sake. But he doesn't want to go into details. "There was something he did for me that was... kind of exhausting and difficult and time-consuming, which I didn't ask him to do, but which benefitted me greatly, and which I still feel a bit like I—sort of owe him for."
"Probably not?" Jaeha doesn't think so? Not in so many words, at least? He did say he thought it was important to make sure you're sane regularly and... he said he likes Jaeha... and also he let Jaeha feel it which was a feeling better than guided sex honestly. ...oh, he should suggest that Haru let him feel it when he's coming, he gets so much enjoyment out of feeling his partners come. He'd also offer the reverse but something tells him Haru would Really Rather Not.
Then again, maybe he wouldn't? His personal dispreference seemed very strongly on the mental privacy side? Food for thought.
"Well, then, that's homework. Pay attention to how it feels throughout, while you're working up to it and while you ask and while you're waiting for an answer and once you've got one. I'm going to want to hear about that, but you can also tell him how you're feeling, too - again over text if that helps."
Okay! That was hard and scary and stressful and, what was it that his ✨boyfriend✨ called it, ego-syntonic? It was ego-syntonic, for an ego that he's not quite fully inhabiting yet but is doing so enough to feel the edges of it.
Speaking of his ✨boyfriend✨, is he home, did he go to a dungeon?
"—this is not a request to change your idiolect in any way but it is kind of funny that when you said 'Park-sensei' I immediately thought of three separate high school teachers I had.
"She was—it was interesting. She said something that made me think she might be homophobic in most contexts but maybe not when it comes to espers and I am not sure how well she can comparmentalise it but the parts of our conversation that were about you and our relationship did not seem to be very marked so maybe she can? And given my tendencies to overthink everything people say I'm not sure how much I should trust that impression.
"Other than that I think it was maybe useful. Most of the session she was asking me questions about various things and I—did not give her full answers because I didn't want to get into the weeds of the issues that have been historically confidential to me, but I told her that I was doing that, and eventually she asked me some useful questions and gave me homework. I didn't know therapy could give you homework. I think it was probably useful homework."
"She gave me a pretty good suggestion which is that I should text you about it rather than say it out loud, but you being right next to me ruins it. Unfortunately you just came back from a dungeon so I'm not about to let you go, at least not without pounding whatever sense you've got missing back into you."
He just needs to ask to go to a restaurant. That's all. Nothing more. Does he even need to text Haru that? Except he should also be paying attention to his feelings. And maybe tell Haru about those feelings, which honestly sounds terrible.
...he'll start writing this down, shall he.
He just needs to ask Haru to go to a restaurant with him. ...a fancy restaurant. One of the nice restaurants he knows, the kind that needs a reservation. The kind where you usually can't go in in jeans and T-shirt but Jaeha fortunately has more money than sense so he can bribe them to allow Haru in anyway.
(He could be using that money for charitable donations.)
(He might actually go completely insane if he starts thinking like that.)
(Note to future Jaeha: figure out how to deal with the fact that unless he donates everything he owns but the bare minimum necessary to survive he is not a good person.)
(He's not a good person yet, anyway, so it doesn't matter, he's going to spend money on a restaurant reservation.)