...I definitely don't want to be away from you right now

He gets to be clingy like this, right? It's fine? They're in a stage of their relationship where that's alright?

What's the matter?

Really difficult to explain and definitely not over text.

"Folks, I hate to bail but something's come up," he shakes his phone, its screen carefully blanked, "ping me on chat if you have any horse-sized-duck emergencies or whatever." And he tugs Jaeha out of his chair and away from the table.

"No worries, it was nice seeing you. Good luck with whatever it is."

"If it's anything any of us can help you with just holler."

...now he's feeling bad about being bitchy at them in his head.

Anyway, he successfully stands up and can bow to his sunbaenim before leaving with Haru.

Haru keeps looking worriedly at him during the walk home.

He has the best Haru.

That's why this is going to suck so fucking much augh.

And home and inside and a quick check to make sure Cricket's not in earshot and - "What's eating you?"

"So many things." He needs to sit down, he's gonna go sit down and bury his face in his hands because it is so many things.

Hugs for his Jaeha.

Great. Amazing. He's getting hugs from Haru for what is probably the last time ever and he is not going to get a beautiful Autumn wedding in Canada and, and, and he has to do this.

"I'm a coward, Haru, and because I'm a coward, I'm going to start with the easiest part."

"...okay."

"I'm so compatible with Lee Tae-gun I was getting guided by him from a distance. I think it's asymmetrical. And it—sent my brain down a spiral of—I don't want to be here. I didn't want to be near him, getting—guided—like that, by—someone who isn't you. And it's obviously the stupidest thing to think, obviously I'm not going to have any partners I don't want to have, but it's what I was thinking, that—that I don't want to be Lee Tae-gun's partner, I want to be yours, I don't care if Lee Tae-gun could fuck me for ten minutes and cure me of my backlash—and when you held my hand and I could barely feel you guiding me under the pressure of that guy, I—"

...this is very very obviously the wrong time to make a crack about how he too is acceptably compatible with Tae-gun and they could have a threesome. He sits on it. "Hardcore monogamy feelings, okay. I'm sure he'd sit farther away if it bothers you."

"Maybe. But that wasn't—I mean, that—yes. But I think I'd have been able to feel that from ten meters away. I could feel it halfway from the bathroom to the table. And it's—I knew I liked you. Obviously. And I knew that it wasn't just about guiding, or mostly about guiding, or—or about guiding at all, really. Maybe at first. Not now. So I have to become the guy of your dreams."

"...I really don't want you under this much pressure about that. I'm not about to bolt as soon as I wouldn't want to sue myself for leaving you in a hole, we're doing fine."

"It's not that. I'm not—feeling pressured. It's just that I—lied to you. And the guy of your dreams is honest. So I have to be honest, too."

"And, goddamnit, I want to be honest, too, because I—don't want to lie to you. Or at all."

"Ah."

Well he hadn't actually hugged Haru back so if Haru wants to unhug he is free to. And then he'll never be hugged again and this is fine, actually, it's fine, he's made his bed so he needs to lie in it.

"My backlash isn't anhedonia. Or—it's not just anhedonia. It's... a lot more. Much, much more."

Oh Haru was braced for worse for a second there. "What is it?"

"It's—everything. I lose everything. My emotions. My empathy. I become empty, I don't care about people, I don't care about myself, I don't care about anything. I don't feel remorse or guilt, and the bad, ugly emotions are the last to go. I can feel sad but not happy. I can feel angry but not calm. I can feel jealous but not satisfied.

"And then those are gone, too."

"Did... you just tick over into 'bad emotions only' suddenly while we were out?"