"No. That's why the thing I said I'm not sure how to do is just the restitution, not having anything more to do with him is fine."

"Right. That can go on the backburner." Sigh. Handsqueeze.

Handsqueeze. Haru is squeezing his hand. Haru isn't leaving. He still might, but... not right now.

He feels like crying.

"...I'm trying to think of a better question than 'are you okay', but don't immediately have one -"

He laughs weakly. "I am—better than I was yesterday after we got home."

"...okay.

"...if we discover that being backlashed is a big risk factor, or actually even just until we discover that it isn't, you need a backup guiding plan. I have no intention of dying on you but if I do anyway, or if I run to Japan to bail Yamanaka out of a pickle after she unplannedly rescues thirty orphans from a burning building or something and I'm not on hand, or something. If Tae-gun can guide you from meters away this does not have to involve anything conventionally impinged on by monogamy but you certainly seem to have monogamy feelings about it anyway?"

He shuts his eyes. "It feels—wrong—for someone other than you to guide me. But—I could probably get over it. If I tried. It might be because of how strong my mental associations are between guiding and sex, from how that was the only reasonable option for me with my prior partners. It feels a bit like—having someone else give me an orgasm. Maybe."

"Okay, if Yamanaka rescues thirty orphans from a burning building I can ask Woo-young to haul her here, but - probably work on that in the background and be ready to do it fast if something bad happens."

"Yeah. I'll do that."

Pet pet.

He leans into it and sighs.

"This has to have been really hard and I'm glad you told me even though it was hard to digest."

It was so hard.

"In the interest of transparency," because he cannot shut the fuck up, "I am not sure how long it'll take me to get over my—anxiety—so I'll probably feel the need to cling to you a lot and be half-convinced you're about to leave any minute now. And I realise this might come off as incredibly offputting and—make it more likely to happen—but."

"- okay. Enough that I should cancel some more dungeons?"

"I think this will last several days so you probably shouldn't change your schedule because of it."

"Okay. I cancelled my first one for the day already, though, is this a good time to go to Quasar and have an awkward meeting?"

God. "Does it have to be in-person." Hasn't his pride been hurt enough.

"No, I don't think that's necessary. I wish we had a specific point person to report to instead of nebulous scheduling teams and procurement teams etcetera..." He scrolls through contacts trying to figure out who to text.

Well there's this one esper who's been in Quasar almost since its inception...

You free? Kind of heavy complicated followup on the general topic of Jaeha's backlash hole which I mentioned before.

He does not reply immediately.

Figures. Is he in a dungeon or just AFK?

According to the scheduling app, dungeon as of an hour and a half ago.

He'll probably be out soon, but then he'll be with his partner most likely. "We can wait for Yoo-min who might not get back to us till this evening or I can go with a shotgun approach and we can talk to whatever Quasar rando is most promptly available, I guess."

"...let's wait until lunch at least?" He said "institutional help" but that's different than sharing it with a lot of random people...