He has the best Haru.

That's why this is going to suck so fucking much augh.

And home and inside and a quick check to make sure Cricket's not in earshot and - "What's eating you?"

"So many things." He needs to sit down, he's gonna go sit down and bury his face in his hands because it is so many things.

Hugs for his Jaeha.

Great. Amazing. He's getting hugs from Haru for what is probably the last time ever and he is not going to get a beautiful Autumn wedding in Canada and, and, and he has to do this.

"I'm a coward, Haru, and because I'm a coward, I'm going to start with the easiest part."

"...okay."

"I'm so compatible with Lee Tae-gun I was getting guided by him from a distance. I think it's asymmetrical. And it—sent my brain down a spiral of—I don't want to be here. I didn't want to be near him, getting—guided—like that, by—someone who isn't you. And it's obviously the stupidest thing to think, obviously I'm not going to have any partners I don't want to have, but it's what I was thinking, that—that I don't want to be Lee Tae-gun's partner, I want to be yours, I don't care if Lee Tae-gun could fuck me for ten minutes and cure me of my backlash—and when you held my hand and I could barely feel you guiding me under the pressure of that guy, I—"

...this is very very obviously the wrong time to make a crack about how he too is acceptably compatible with Tae-gun and they could have a threesome. He sits on it. "Hardcore monogamy feelings, okay. I'm sure he'd sit farther away if it bothers you."

"Maybe. But that wasn't—I mean, that—yes. But I think I'd have been able to feel that from ten meters away. I could feel it halfway from the bathroom to the table. And it's—I knew I liked you. Obviously. And I knew that it wasn't just about guiding, or mostly about guiding, or—or about guiding at all, really. Maybe at first. Not now. So I have to become the guy of your dreams."

"...I really don't want you under this much pressure about that. I'm not about to bolt as soon as I wouldn't want to sue myself for leaving you in a hole, we're doing fine."

"It's not that. I'm not—feeling pressured. It's just that I—lied to you. And the guy of your dreams is honest. So I have to be honest, too."

"And, goddamnit, I want to be honest, too, because I—don't want to lie to you. Or at all."

"Ah."

Well he hadn't actually hugged Haru back so if Haru wants to unhug he is free to. And then he'll never be hugged again and this is fine, actually, it's fine, he's made his bed so he needs to lie in it.

"My backlash isn't anhedonia. Or—it's not just anhedonia. It's... a lot more. Much, much more."

Oh Haru was braced for worse for a second there. "What is it?"

"It's—everything. I lose everything. My emotions. My empathy. I become empty, I don't care about people, I don't care about myself, I don't care about anything. I don't feel remorse or guilt, and the bad, ugly emotions are the last to go. I can feel sad but not happy. I can feel angry but not calm. I can feel jealous but not satisfied.

"And then those are gone, too."

"Did... you just tick over into 'bad emotions only' suddenly while we were out?"

"No. No I—I'm almost done, actually. I honestly think—three days, maybe. If that. I would only need three more days of this before everything was back. Most of it's back.

"I told you I'm a coward, Haru-y—" He can't say that. "Masaharu-shi. I am starting with the easiest things to say."

Okay we're back to being braced for worse. Haru nods.

"I lied to you about what my powers are, too. ...I lied to everyone about what my powers are. No one knows the full picture, except me. I'd—demonstrate, but actually I oughtn't. I'll just describe."

"My illusions are all-encompassing. Everything you can feel, I can fake. I can fake your proprioception. I can fake the feeling of using your powers, the feedback. I can fake the feeling of backlash." He's sure the way his voice sounds hollow to his ears is just a projection of his emotions but it still feels like someone else is talking. He's started so now he can't stop. Whoever's puppeteering him is going to keep going, keep the show running, and he'll just let it happen. "I can make you feel like you just woke up. Like you're out of breath. I can make you think you can't move, because even though you're moving your nerves are telling you otherwise.

"You have no way to tell. There is no mind esper who has any way to tell, because my illusions don't change anything in your mind, they change what your nerves are perceiving in the first place. There's no difference between you seeing something that's actually there and something I made you think is there. The memories of perceiving my illusions are as real as those of perceiving reality. You can't tell, even in retrospect."

"This is the generic you, right."

"I am not, as far as I am aware, able to penetrate your shields—but I haven't really tried. I don't want to try."

Haru relaxes, mostly, at that. Nods.

He takes a deep breath, then continues. "I don't need to do my own detailwork, either. I can let your brain do it for me. I can make you believe you're holding a conversation with me when you're not, the contents of which your own brain generates. I can tell your brain to believe that I said or did something with a given character, I can say I was charming or funny or sexy, and you'll come up with it for me.

"I can't fake emotions directly, but I can mute or highlight ones you're already feeling. Mostly but not exclusively by focusing on their physical correlates."