"Your NDA doesn't cover telling people how much you have, just what it is, so that's me wanting to yell at all your ex-partners again! If you have no strenuous objections I'm putting in for that vacation for you."

Jaeha's finding himself in the weird mental state of reflexively wanting to object but not having any good objections. The version of him he's been channeling throughout his interactions with Haru has some feelings about—this not being justifiable, of it being possible for him to just take it slower without quitting altogether, of viscerally not wanting to take a break, but—the truth is he doesn't care. He doesn't care if he's an esper or on vacation or what. 

No... He realises that his true objection is that going on an extended vacation would be incredibly boring. 

"So you're suggesting that I, what, stay home all day doing nothing for—however long?" Ah fuck he's sure there'd have been a better way to frame this but fucked if he knows what it would be.

"You don't have to do nothing, if there is something you would prefer to be doing. Is there? - what's your blood type -"

"B negative."

Of course there isn't anything he'd rather be doing, what kind of question is that. He'd need to find something to occupy his time and he has no idea what.

"Well, nothing doing there. I'll tell them to load me up on dungeons and come home for an hour and a half in between 'em and while I'm out you can - do you have trouble concentrating on stuff like the way I get or does that part work and you just can't think of things to do, I can recommend you books. Cricket watches a lot of TV, if that's easier."

Spoken like someone who hasn't ever experienced a moment of anhedonia in his life. 

...he shouldn't be feeling defensive and bitter right now. Shouldn't be feeling anything, actually.

"It's neither of those. It's not that I can't think of things to do, it's that none of them appeal. Things I ought to like, used to like, I don't. I can think of any things I might do and I can then try to do them and it'll feel the same. 

"At least when I'm in a dungeon what I'm doing matters." See, this is totally something his character would say. Good job, Kang Jaeha.

"That's... true, but I am very concerned about you not having gotten to zero in forever, and the main two options for doing that in a hurry so you can get back to doing dungeons again in a remotely sane and sustainable manner are that I do a lot of dungeons and come home for guiding about that in between, or that I also take a vacation and tick up my backlash to approach yours through completely gratuitous power use, which, I don't have anything against occasional gratuitous power use, but if we're trying to be efficient and also dungeon-maximizing..."

"We could just keep doing dungeons and rely on the fact that regardless of anything else with you I'm backlash-negative..."

"How long do you think that's going to take to dig you out? Like, we're making progress, but I think that's - easily six weeks, maybe twice that, and I think if I go full on action movie hero and clear four dungeons a day we can cut that down a lot. I am open to your suggestion but mostly because I'm now reviewing every interaction we have ever had and realizing how much I have inadvertently made or prompted basically all of the non-sex-related decisions in them and if you have manifested this one non-sex-related preference that seems promising."

.......okay! That's a really obvious tell that he had somehow completely missed! He's going to need to keep that one in mind for the future! Also that is probably a huge part of why his old partners thought he was boring and unpleasant to be around and the fact that Haru has noticed it immediately does not bode well at all! Fuck!

(Also he's kind of scared of clearing his backlash to that extent. He doesn't want to look at that right now.)

"That seems like a reasonable estimate. Four dungeons a day—is a lot." Though Haru is mostly a sensor so maybe it's less? "I am not sure how much we'd cut down on if we did that. Five weeks, maybe? Four?"

"It is, yeah, but it'd be a sprint, not a marathon, I don't know that I can sustain it long enough to dig you out if you're coming along and using your powers and I think I can if it's only for as long as it takes without that factor. And...

"...it's your anhedonia and you get to decide how you relate to it, I don't, but you should decide that, it shouldn't.

"And as a distant minor factor, we haven't known each other that long and are still getting used to each other and if we want to last as a partnership then I should probably ever be introduced to you at baseline? I shouldn't get too used to you like this because the more I do the more of an adjustment it'll be when you're okay again. Like, I think I can make that adjustment now or later, this isn't a huge deal, but it does come to mind."

...well, if they want to last as a partnership Jaeha should become more interesting as a person, it's true.

He keeps having—hiccups—around emotions that he knows he'd be feeling if he weren't backlashed but he doesn't exactly know what they are nor what texture they have, and that makes it hard to know how to react. Can he tank a month, maybe two, of just staying home doing absolutely nothing?

Say something. Anything. Come on, Kang Jaeha.

"I see."

"I think this is... an emergency but it's a pretty slow-burning emergency, if you need a while to think I'm not going to fuss about it. Or if I haven't been adequately clear and you want to ask questions about how I'm thinking about this, I guess."

"I think... you might be thinking of me without my backlash as more different from me right now than I do," he tries.

"I am probably overgeneralizing from my own psychological backlash, sure. When was the last time you were at zero?"

"...when I was seventeen."

"You have absolutely no experience of adult life with your brain completely online and that is a serious problem and I believe that your backlash is preventing you from acknowledging how serious a problem that is."

Maybe so.

He's still scared.

He doesn't think he can argue, though. And he's feeling—something else. The shadows of something else, maybe. There's something in him that wants to—when Haru looks at him like that—Jaeha wants to do whatever Haru wants him to do. He wants to be Haru's.

"Let's try it for a week," he suggests, "and I'll see how—bearable—I find it?"

"That is a completely reasonable approach." Smooch.

He is feeling so stressed out, and half of the reason why is a complete mystery to him, but he's got an insanely attractive man showing deep concern for him and he wants to hold onto this man forever.

That is far too strong a feeling for not even three weeks' acquaintance!!!!!

And also that man wants to kiss him!!!!!!!

This is insane. He'll, like, take it, and kiss back, and—do whatever Haru wants, honestly—but it's insane.

They don't have any dungeons scheduled for moving day and Haru can work on that big well of heinous backlash. He can do it invisible, since that helps.

Okay having sex with someone who is invisible is an extremely surreal experience. And extremely hot. He can absolutely want this, uncomplicatedly and wholly.

Acknowledging that this is really awkward timing for it since we just signed on, IMO Jaeha needs a vacation; combination of various factors which I'm not necessarily going to sue anyone over have left him in a very long term backlash hole and I'll be able to dig him out faster if he's not using his powers and also if I'm using mine a lot. I want to do a heavy sprint load of dungeons with guiding breaks in between for as long as he'll tolerate sitting at home bored, we've agreed on a week to start but I think it would probably take six to get him completely baselined. In case it doesn't go without saying it would certainly still be appropriate to grab him for e.g. Nightmare though, I'd just want to do the runs with him.

Argh.

"Yeah."

Send.