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Jan 25, 2021 10:22 PM
Bruce Banner is the Erogamer

Bruce Banner has just returned from his lab, where his latest experiment came out really well. He should go straight to bed, because it's six in the morning, but he can't seem to become the right kind of tired, probably also because it's six in the morning. So instead he's watching the sun rise out the window of his cozy (tiny) grad-dorm single room.

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Bruce Banner
"The Erogamer"
LVL: 1 (0%)

DOM: 30/130
SUB: 50/280
BOD: 11 (+) 
LST: 15 (+) 
SED: 5 (+) 
FUK: 8 (+) 
PRV: 13 (+) 
ERO: 10 (+) 
Points: 5 
Money: $2721.17

Status Effects: 'Innocent' Virgin

Description: Bruce Banner is an MIT graduate student in biology, doing a thesis on an obscure piece of biochemistry whose theoretical intricacies and potential practical applications he will happily tell you all about. He would like to remedy his complete lack of sexual and romantic experience, but keeps finding more important (less terrifying) things to do instead. This is the sort of problem best solved by the Erogame.


Erogamer's Body (Lvl MAX): The biological ability to live your life as an erogame. Venereal disease doesn't exist for you, or pregnancies or refractory periods. Arbitrarily large appendages can fit inside any of your orifices. You heal from all marks with a good night's sleep, ready for the next day's adventures. Other aspects of this skill depend on the BOD stat.

Erogamer's Mind (Lvl MAX): The mental flexibility to live your life as an erogame. You're more able to accept the realities of your new world. You'll also bounce back from painful, upsetting and bizarre sexual experiences with relative ease. Rape can be anything from a recoverable trauma to a Tuesday afternoon, but it won't ruin your life. Other aspects of this skill depend on the FUK, SED, LST, and PRV stats.

Erogamer's World (Lvl MAX): The consent of reality to live your life as an erogame. People are never too preoccupied to consider sex or romance, not while you're around. Bystanders won't ignore what you do, but they're unlikely to actually stop you. Those who do decide to involve themselves are drawn into the logic of the Erogame. If you go far enough that an authority sees no choice but to intervene… they won't treat you as a simple criminal. Other aspects of this skill depend on the ERO stat.

To Mine Own Me Be True (Lvl MAX): Even at the center of the Erogame, you are not just an erogame character, but a human being possessed of his own free will. Your family will always be safe from you, and little children everywhere.


But He Was Such A Good Student: If this were a different game, you'd be starting with a high INT stat. Throughout your scholastic career, your grades continue to reflect your actual knowledge of the course material, and you have no unusual difficulties mastering that material. Even if you miss classes or assignments for, uh, reasons.

Info // Status Effects// 'Innocent' Virgin

Merely existing in the age of the Internet has already raised your PRV stat above 10. Still, until you choose to lose your virginity, the Erogame will not force you to give it up.

Info // Character Stats // Level:

At LVL 1, and 0% progress toward the next level, you'll never be this weak again. You can increase your level by completing the quests the Erogame offers you, or by causing romantic and sexual events to happen to you or around you. The more difficult the challenge, the greater the rewards.

Info // Character Stats // Body:

With the average being 10, and perfect 10s being 40, your BOD of 11 makes you nerdy-cute, beloved of anyone whose porn collection includes more than one picture with a guy wearing tweed.

You can increase this stat through exhibitionism, and other acts that invoke the pure beauty and power of your physical form.

Info // Character Stats // Lust:

At a LST of 15, you're a pretty typical frustrated young male grad student. 

You gain in this stat while experiencing sexual urges that are unusually intense or that go on unusually long.

Info // Character Stats // Seduction:

Your SED of 5 reflects the fact that seducing people usually requires talking to them. In unfamiliar ways, even.

You can increase this stat by arousing the romantic interest or sexual desire of others, and successfully pursuing them or being caught.

Info // Character Stats // Fucking:

Your FUK of 8 shows that, while being thoughtful and considerate counts, and a strong grasp of the relative theory counts, there's only so far you can get without hands-on experience.

How do you increase this stat? Take a guess.

Info // Character Stats // Perversion:

Your PRV of 13 shows that you have looked for porn upon the Internet, and managed not to completely avoid the dubious products of Rule 34. But you're still not quite sure what you like yet.

You can increase this stat by being a little less close-minded, and acting accordingly.

Info // Character Stats // Erogame Logic:

At an ERO of 10, your life has become an erogame taking place in a mostly realistic setting. What happens to you might seem unlikely to others, but it won't break their belief in a sane universe… yet. Witnesses will reach for explanations other than the Erogame, but they'll still notice the unusual events.

If you keep pushing probability to its limits, then probability will learn to be a bit more flexible down there, relax and take it in and not protest so much.

Info // Character Stats // Dominant and Submissive Energy:

If this were a different game, you'd have mana and hit points, and they'd refill from you sitting on your ass.



There's a purple text box all over his field of view. What the fuck??

His first hypothesis is that he's gone so far off the deep end he's about to encounter an anglerfish, but if his perceptions are totally decoupled from reality there's nothing he can really do about it. His second hypothesis is that he's a guinea pig in some sort of bizzare alien science experiment. On sex. Which sounds potentially fascinatig but doesn't make any sense. Also it seems to have read both his mind and his browser history, and is offering him academic assistance to compensate for, uh, spending a lot of time trying to have sex and date.

In case anybody is listening and willing to talk, he says "Explain this, please."


The Erogame does not choose to explain this, for any value of this.


"Explain stats? Explain perks? 'Innocent Virgin'? Main menu?"


At 'explain perks', the purple box dissolves and is replaced with:

(Ir)rational: Up to once per level you may toggle whether or not Erogame Logic suppresses scientific curiosity. While this suppression is off, appropriately minded individuals can recognize you as a total falsification of how they thought the world worked and may prioritize the larger implications. While this suppression is on, people will still experience shock and wonder about specifics, but evince no great curiosity about fundamental issues, nor ambitions of global change. 2 fragments.

Animal Whisperer: Choose an animal family. You are extraordinarily skilled at handling (non-sapient) members of this family, and will experience yourself as being able to communicate nearly intelligently with up to (ERO / 10) chosen familiars. At ERO 40 you may grant your chosen familiars greater intelligence and other powers through the Familiar subskill of Bestow Ability. 1 point. Available at 30 ERO, refunded at 60 ERO

Childe of the Night: Stuff happens, you get turned into a vampire, more stuff happens. These vampires are nothing like Anne Rice vampires, and no characters resembling anyone from her novels will appear at any point. Available at 50 ERO, refunded at 80 ERO.

Cinnamon Roll: Triple all positive effects on others of having sex with you. 1 point.

Edgelord: You always know how close to orgasm others are and never make someone come by accident. 1 point. Refunded at 70 FUK.

Erogame Logic, whatever that is, needs to not be suppressing scientific curiosity. His own curiosity currently feels more "maxed out" than "suppressed" but still, yikes. Those other ones all sound like interesting benefits. At least this thing is offering generous pay, of a sort, for playing along. He especially wants Cinnamon Roll, though he isn't sure what the positive effects of having sex with him are supposed to be. He also doesn't know enough about Anne Rice vampires to know if he wants to be one . Animal Whisperer sounds pretty neat, as long as he's careful not to pick anything he might ever want to use as a lab animal--it would almost certainly mess up his results. Making someone orgasm by accident isn't really relevant given that he's never made someone (other than himself) orgasm on purpose.

Erogame What Erogame: You forget that the Erogame exists. The game automatically levels up, distributes stat points, selects perks, accepts quests, and invokes skills in whichever way it thinks will make your sex life the most interesting. 2 fragments.

Everything Is Better With Ero: On every quest and every path you walk, taking the option that turns you on more will never lead to worse results in the long run than taking the option that seems safe, sensible, and practical. This perk does not operate by reducing the rewards of safe, sensible, practical-seeming paths. 2 points.

Everywhere Erogenous: There is no area of your body that cannot be used to stimulate you to orgasm, though this may still take time and work to do through your elbow. 2 points. Refundable at 40 LST.

Fairytale Painslut: Your masochism is strong enough to embrace any intensity of sexually charged torture, with zero warmup. 1 point. Refundable at 50 LST.

Go Out With A Bang: A doctor diagnoses you with a fatal disease, giving you three months left to live---maybe two, maybe four. Your remaining lifetime is uncertain, but it won't be long now. Your occasional hospital stays are brief and painless, leaving you looking wan, sad, and beautiful in your hospital bed. Sometimes you get a piece of medical good news, giving you a little more time in which to say goodbye and experience all the things you never had a chance to do. No matter how long this continues, no one ever notices that the doctor always gives you around one more month of lifespan per month. You may at will have a remission or relapse of your Terminal Moe. 1 point, refundable at 70 ERO.

The aliens or whatever that are fucking with him can (claim they can) erase memories. He could be getting dictionary-attacked right now. He dives for his computer, confirms that the date and time is what he thought it was, realizes that as soon as he's looking away from the screen he can't be sure he correctly remembers what was on it, and screams very quietly into his pillow for a bit. This is way worse than when he realized he was probably crazy, because if this is real then it could happen to anybody.

It takes him a while to pull himself together enough to read any other "Perks". Go Out With A Bang is just silly and weird, why would he do that? Everywhere Erogenous and Fairytale Painslut are scientifically fascinating and maybe sometime in a million years he would find the guts to take them. Everything is Better With Ero sounds benevolent but has terrifying implications for how much control this game claims to have over the world around him.

Goodbye: You may enter any one fictional continuum at the place and time of your choice, arriving in your current form and with your Erogamer powers. You cannot displace an existing character unless you choose to arrive at the time of an extrauniversal summoning, such as by Louise the Zero. You arrive without your metafictional knowledge of the continuum, and able to speak and write the local language. You cannot ever return to the real world. Even if the fictional continuum includes a 'real world' to return to, you will only return to the 'real world' of that fiction. In the true real world, nobody will ever know what happened to you, and any quests that would have depended on you will fail. 1 point.

Hyperhypnoslut: You can drop faster than your panties when being voluntarily hypnotized. You can be hypnotized without your wanting to be hypnotized, if you are forced or tricked into listening to the hypnotist's voice. A hypnotist can force you to do things you don't want to do, up to your current PRV + 8. You can be given temporary false memories or amnesia. Your ultimate trigger phrase is 'floral ticklish cowboy rabies' and anyone using it gets root access on your soul. This includes permanent memory editing, personality editing, sexuality editing, belief editing, emotional editing, and absolute obedience. You cannot be hypnotized or drugged into giving up this trigger phrase or revealing its existence. You cannot hypnotize yourself using this trigger phrase, even by leaving yourself a recording. Think very carefully before giving this trigger phrase to anyone, or writing it down, or speaking it aloud when you think you are alone in your bedroom. 1 point + 2 fragments.

I See You: You are able to perceive, remember, and have sex with anything that would ordinarily be undetectable by you, be misperceived by you, or slip out of your memory. 1 point.

It's Like Saying Hello In Japan: No negative consequence of any kind will occur to you, including to reputation or personal friendships, from forcing yourself on a person of primarily Japanese descent. Any person who has voluntarily watched more than 200 hours of anime is considered Japanese for purposes of applying this perk. 1 point. Available at 30 ERO, refunded at 70 ERO.

Library of Sodom: You automatically know any detail of abstract knowledge that you want or need about any sexual activity that has been described in public writing. For example, directions for how to tie a shibari knot, or that one ought to avoid striking the kidneys with a flogger. This knowledge does not convey skill. 1 point, refunded at 40 FUK.

Bruce reads "Goodbye" and realizes that oh, of course, the universe is a simulation. That explains everything. Whether he grew up in the real world and was instantiated as a simulation just now, or has always been in one, is unclear. Whether everyone around him is unthinking bots is also unclear, but if he's conscious there's no reason everyone else shouldn't be too. Which means It's Like Saying Hello In Japan is still morally horrifying. Maybe this is an experiment on whether people will do morally horrifying things if convinced the rest of humanity and the world is fake. Well, he isn't going to. 

Library of Sodom is sort of like "I know Kung Fu" but for sex, which fits pretty well with the Matrix-related train of thought he's having. I See You is, again, cool with terrifying implications. Hyperhypnoslut is terrifying with cool implications, which he will not think about because that is a terrible idea. Even if he found someone he could trust with that sort of power (and who was willing to use it; his cousin Jennifer would be too weirded out), it's still too dangerous. Just because he could maybe hack it for eidetic memory and unlimited willpower does not make it a good idea, why is he even thinking about this.

Like Uber For Costumes: If you can find any manufactured fetish clothing (not a one-off creation, and you must not have been involved in inspiring it) that corresponds to a profession, you can act with the full skill of that profession while wearing that clothing. For example, using firearms while dressed as a sexy soldier. Available at 60 ERO. 1 point + 1 fragment.

Mad Inventor: You can create devices whose functions correspond to many Erogame skills and effects. These devices cannot be mass-manufactured, but can be loaned to others. You must wear steampunk goggles while wielding this perk. Available at 30 ERO, refunded at 70 ERO. 1 point.

Mad Scientist: Your powers give you the ability to test hypotheses about sexuality that conventional science cannot or will not investigate. Use all skills at double their base level whenever you are primarily seeking general knowledge. (Extracting the location of an enemy base does not count as 'general knowledge'.) You must wear a sexy lab coat while invoking this perk. 1 point.

Marshmallow Test: Receive two additional perk points, for a net of one more perk than you would've had otherwise. This perk can only be taken after reaching LVL 7 and only if it is the first perk you have chosen. (Your starting perk does not count, likewise any perks automatically awarded by the system.) 1 point.

Mesmer Inoculant: Guarantee that the Erogame itself will not apply mind control, mind modification, mind replacement, or any other similar effects on any nonconsenting subjects. Effects in this category were either already happening, or are enacted by or on the Erogamer, who is assumed to be consenting to all mind alteration effects that they bring upon themselves by changing their stats, using skills, or taking perks. Anything that looks at first pass like the Erogame mind-controlling someone will in fact merely be probability manipulation; for example, taking the Yousexual perk only guarantees that the people you meet happen to already have been people who would otherwise have been attracted to you, without actually modifying any existing persons' preferences. Taking this perk will render some perks inaccessible and cause other perks to have significantly smaller effects. 2 points.

That last one sounds like other people are in fact still conscious, and also like the game at least understands the concept of being morally horrified. He's definitely going to take that perk, because if it's telling the truth it'll stop him from accidentally mind controlling anyone and if it's lying it probably still does at worst nothing.

The first three on this page are also frankly amazing and he wants them, but obviously he's going to pass the Marshmallow Test first, because that's what you do with tests, is you pass them.

Mom/Dad: Your horrible parent is replaced by a helpful, loyal parent who will not interfere with your Erogame business. You may opt to keep your memories of the old parent, or simply remember a happier childhood, in which case you will gain a small, unimportant additional perk and not remember that this true perk exists or that you selected it. You may also opt to retain the ability to tell this new parent about the Erogame. If you have an additional absentee parent or awful step-parent, they are replaced by a corresponding kindly parent who is dead due to a random accident. This operation leaves your family's finances unchanged. 2 fragments. 

More Competitive Than You: For any activity whose primary purpose is competition (e.g. chess, drag racing, or martial arts; but not stock trading, or literary authorship) your skill level adjusts to match your love interests and/or romantic rivals. Your skill level is such as to make you just barely worse than your love interest, or just barely better than your romantic rivals, whichever is higher, if you try your best. 1 point.

Perfect Sadist: Inflicting pain on others, no matter how severe, never causes any permanent damage you did not intend. 1 point, refundable at 40 FUK.

Perfect Subbing: You can at will perceive subtitles in your native language for all speakers whose voice you can hear, and subtitled translation for all foreign-language texts. This does not enable you to speak or write other languages. 2 fragments, refundable at 60 ERO or 80 SED.

Pretty Smart: The conventional attractiveness of people you meet now strongly correlates with their intelligence, conscientiousness, corruptibility, or other mental attributes you might find attractive on a... deeper... examination. (Making people smarter using technology or spells available at higher ERO will automatically increase their physical attractiveness as well.) 1 point, refundable at 70 ERO.

His parents aren't the best parents, but he's not going to erase them from reality and replace them with fakes who are proud of him, that would be immoral and also totally missing the point of wanting your parents to be proud of you.

More Competitive Than You is another gateway to fabulous knowledge and skills, except it requires someone to either fall for him or be legitimately romantically jealous of him, so that's not really exploitable the way those others were. Similarly, Perfect Sadist is only any use if someone wants him to hurt them, so forget that.

Perfect Subbing is just straightforwardly cool. Pretty Smart is also cool, but has weird social implications and might turn out to be more trouble than it's worth. Even if he himself is exempt, does he really want to know that much about everyone he passes on the street?

Real Scientist: Your unusual experiences have given you insight into open questions in human sexuality, leading you to form new testable hypotheses. You instinctively understand experimental methodology and statistics. So long as you report your outcomes honestly, other scientists will discuss your results seriously; and overlook your lack of credentials along with any questions about the morality or possibility of your experiments. You can write proficiently in LaTeX if you are wearing latex. If you simultaneously hold the perks Mad Inventor, Mad Scientist, and Real Scientist, you become able to develop reproducible technology, including the experimental apparatus required for others to further investigate and extend your discoveries. An actual PhD in a scientific field, acquired the hard way, can substitute for the Real Scientist perk in this trinity. 1 point, available at 30 ERO.

Seduce Contain Protect: You are a magnet for any person or sapient entity with a significant chance of producing global catastrophe. They will inevitably cross paths with you and find you highly attractive. 1 point.

Sin Of: You may take this perk only once. Choose:
- Envy: Take over another person's life. Everyone in the world now believes unshakably that you are they. The displaced person no longer exists.
- Gluttony: You never get tired, bored, or over-satiated during any pleasurable act, no matter how long it continues. You may accumulate unlimited DOM and SUB from such acts.
- Greed: You find a winning lottery ticket with the lump-sum cash payout option selected. After all taxes are paid, your after-tax winnings are a bit over $100,000,000.
- Lust: At will, you may temporarily increase your LST and/or PRV to any higher level you wish, for as long as you wish, up to a maximum of 100.
- Pride: All stats and skills increase faster.
- Sloth: Removes all time limits for acceptance or completion of quests. Negates or softens all other visible deadlines for accomplishing anything within the Erogame or your life.
- Wrath: Instantly kill anyone you choose. Bypassing quest challenges in this way will reduce their rewards. You may invoke this perk an unlimited number of times.

1 point.

The Eye of Yandere: If you are romantically attracted to someone, you are always alerted when they are romantically or sexually attracted to someone else or when someone else is romantically or sexually attracted to them. You do not know the strength of this attraction, just that it exists. 1 point.

To Boldly Come Where No One Has Come Before: You somehow get your hands on a starship, enabling you to visit nearby star systems and meet the many interesting and nubile life forms to be found there. 1 point + 1 fragment. Available at ERO 55, refundable at ERO 80.

He's going to get perk synergy from finishing his degree, that is so great. He might also take the perk at some point after that, for the other nifty benefits.

Seduce Contain Protect is either the dumbest idea ever, or absolutely necessary to minimize the odds of global catastrophe. Probably that first one.

Pride is a diamond in a dunghill; he might want that one first after the marshmallow one. Eye of Yandere is just stupid. And immoral. And stupid.

To Boldly Come is a Star Trek reference, which is weirdly comforting. It may also be the simulation-runners wanting to fuck him in addition to fucking with him. Either way, he really really wants to meet aliens, especially if they have interestingly different minds and aren't just green-skinned humans. Fucking them . . . he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it. Oops, that's what she said. 

True Love Conquers All: If you love someone enough, nothing can ever permanently separate them from you. The only exception is their wishing to leave you---deliberately, voluntarily, and based on correct information. This applies to any type of love, not just romantic love. If you would undergo hardship and sacrifice to protect someone, if losing them would leave a scar on your heart that never fully heals, then in time you will always be reunited. This perk retroactively includes everyone you have previously lost, but still love. If somebody you love is already dead (e.g. a beloved parent or grandparent), taking this perk automatically begins the Heaven's Feel quest to revive them after your ERO reaches 50. 1 point + 2 fragments.

Trust: Whenever somebody honestly tells you that they love you, or like you, or admire something about you, or shows trust in you by confessing a truth to you that they would not tell others, you know that they mean it. Taking this perk renders you ineligible for a significant number of Erogame quests and reduces the rewards of many others, but it's here if you need it. 1 point.

Truth: Regardless of any other Erogame perks taken and any other powers affecting you, you regain your memories of who you really are, what really happened, and what reality was like before. No further such effects can deceive you. Think hard before taking this perk. 1 point.

Utility Monster: Your experiences are a trillion times more important than the experiences of those around you. 1 point.

You Fools Can't Stop Me: Your schemes can only be thwarted by those near or above your own intelligence level, and only by their having been cleverer than you. 1 point.

Zombie Sexpocalypse: An extremely contagious virus turns 99.99% of the human population into sex-maddened creatures bent on fucking anything within reach. You, and everyone you personally like, are among those naturally immune to the disease. While most of the infected die quickly, some retain sufficient intelligence to become hominid animals living off the wilds or on food stores. Defending against their rapes and thefts is an ongoing problem requiring the survivors to band together. Some partially-immune survivors have greatly increased LST and PRV. Use this perk if you're tired of living in a complicated technological civilization. Think carefully before taking this perk. 1 point. Available at 30 ERO, refundable at 80 ERO.

True Love Conquers All sounds great. Jennifer would be safe. He could raise the dead, if he manages to fall in love with them. Kind of an obvious implication of the world being a simulation in hindsight, but still, wow.

Trust is . . . weird. Also possibly kind of mind-reading. He can't see what the problem is with Truth and the fact that the game doesn't want him to take it kind of makes him want to take it.

Utility Monster sounds like it's threatening to make everyone else chatbots. How about NOPE. Zombie Sexpocalypse is even more NOPE, what in the star-spangled void. 

You Fools Can't Stop Me would either make all his endeavors succeed or fill his environment with smart people, so that's nice.


The Erogame patiently waits for input. 

(Possibly he wants to assign his stat points.)


Right, yes, stat points. Clearly he needs to put them in SED and FUK. 

Hmm, does FUK apply to masturbating? He moves to his bed, starts jerking off, and puts a point in FUK when he's halfway through.


He has noticeably but not substantially better instincts for how best to touch himself.


He just got aliens to modify his brain to make him better at fapping. What is his life.

. . . Weirdly nice, is what his life is. Or at least his orgasm.

Quest available: Rules of the Erogame

Increase FUK, SED, LST, PRV, BOD, and ERO by 1 each without using stat points; learn your first skill; level up. (You do not have to do this in the same action. Using your stat points now will not cause you to fail your quest.)

Success: +1000 xp
Failure: The Erogame will handhold you through more of your adventures. Maybe you'll stumble across a rulebook.

Apparently he's being encouraged to experiment, which is a good sign. He cleans himself up, accepts the quest by poking the little "yes" button, then puts three points in SED and the last one in FUK again. Now, how to raise those stats in other ways? Might as well start at the top; BOD runs on exhibitionism. He tries heading out into the dorm's common area, wearing just his shorts and a blush of oh geez people are going to judge me for being shirtless while ugly. Being told by a text prompt that he is "nerdy-cute" is not really as concrete as the obvious-to-him fact that he's pale as a sheet and mostly composed of gangling elbows.


There are a handful of people in the dorm common area. One of them is very conspicuously staring at her laptop.

+1 BOD for walking outside shirtless and running into someone who thinks you're cute.
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