He's breathing really heavily and he can't stop thinking about things and. Well.

This is never a problem he has with Audrey.

Maybe if he doesn't move Chen won't notice.

He's not thinking about that he's not he's not. It doesn't mean anything, Ben wouldn't — Ben isn't — 

See? It's fine. It's fine.

It is nice to be held and pretend that Chen wants him.

It's nice to hold Ben. It's good that Ben is happy. He can feel the way Ben is smiling and he never wants that to stop. 

It's just. It's just. 

In principle, they'd agreed that Ben shouldn't fall asleep on Chen.

In practice, that would involve sending Chen away, and he's so soft and so warm and so good, and Ben doesn't want to go back to his cold empty bed, and Ben's eyes close and he tells himself that it's just for a minute and next thing he knows he's fallen asleep.

...oh. <3 

Ben looks very peaceful when he's asleep. Chen pets his hair, so gentle, and doesn't let go of him, doesn't stop looking down at his face, doesn't wake him. 

The next day, Ben's father announces at a press conference that he's abdicating.

Ben answers the reporters' questions. He's excited to become king. He's confident he'll do a good job; he was taught by the best king and dad in the world. Audrey doesn't know, but he's sure she'll be excited.

He feels like he's floating a little to the left of himself. He wants Chen to be there holding his hand.

Audrey is angry, of course, that he didn't tell her. He comforts her, says it was a secret from everyone, says of course he'd tell her if he could. The lie makes his stomach hurt.

He watches the press conference; mostly he watches Ben's face. Wishes he could be there with him, wishes he could help. 

Afterwards they curl up together and Chen does what he can, knows it isn't enough. (Ignores how his stomach feels whenever he thinks about Audrey.) 

The week after the announcement is busy.

After school, he locks himself into a room with his father's advisers for hours, trying to understand exactly what it means to be an absolute ruler; after his meetings with his fathers' advisers, he sits with Chen and Asher and Kaleva and talks about tariffs and macroeconomic policy and development and public health and cultural diversity. His homework doesn't get done. He schedules a date with Audrey for Friday and feels guilty about how little he misses her. He should probably skip tourney, but he doesn't; it's nice to do something he's actually good at, something that doesn't matter, something that leaves him bone-tired and unable to think.

He doesn't sleep with Chen every night, but he does about half the nights, and he's acutely conscious whenever Chen holds his hand or puts an arm around his shoulders or rests their knees together. His fantasies when he's alone are more likely than usual to be about being locked in a prison cell with nothing to do except sleep.

Ben is nice.

Ben is nice, and he's funny, and he's handsome, and he's intelligent, and he's likeable, and he listens to what Kaleva has to say and asks good questions, and he clearly cares about doing a good job as king, and it is literally impossible to hate him. If someone is going to steal Kaleva's only friend he should at least have the grace to be a terrible person so Kaleva can hate him properly.

But he can't. It is just-- obvious why Chen wants to fall asleep holding Ben, and doesn't want to fall asleep holding Kaleva. Kaleva can't be resentful at all, not really. If Ben showed an interest in him he'd do the same thing. 

He stays up late and hopes that Chen will come home. When he does, Kaleva pretends to be asleep. When it's late enough that Chen is clearly sleeping at Ben's, he cries. 

He sleeps best the nights he sleeps curled up with Ben. He does his level best, which is still not great, to concentrate in class; he spends a lot of time in the library reading up on the details of things he only knows the broad strokes of. He's noticeably worse at tourney, but he doesn't quit yet. 

He has Audrey in two of his classes and he does his best to avoid looking at her or thinking about her or going anywhere near her. 

And then he has a fight with Audrey, and a worse fight with Asher, and Chen is the worst person to talk to about it but he doesn't know where else to go--

He runs into Chen's room and checks that Kaleva is at the library and blurts out, "I'm going to have to marry Audrey."

"— like, in the next couple of months, or in the next couple of years, or —?" 

"Well, not until after the coronation, but prooobably before I'm eighteen?"

"Do you want advice or do you want a hug." 

I always want you to hug me, he doesn't say.

"Both."

Chen stands up and hugs him. 

"What happened? — What happened today, I mean." 

"Well, Audrey was talking about 'when we're married' and I was like 'what, I'm fifteen, don't you think this is a little fast' and she was like 'you're fifteen and you're about to be king, do you really think you're going to be a king without a queen' and then I went to talk to Asher about it and Asher pointed out that I don't have any siblings or cousins and I really do need several heirs as quickly as possible."

He hugs Ben tighter. 

"You can designate someone else as heir, if you do it in advance — and that would be better anyway if something happened, because any kids you have spend a while too young to rule and you'd have to designate someone as regent anyway unless you want Audrey ruling —" 

"I mean, she'd probably do fine, right? That's the point of having a queen, so you have someone to step in who already has practice."

Gosh! Subtext!

"I'm sure she'd make a lovely wife —" his stomach twists at the words — "but I do not particularly think she'd make a good ruler, no. And in the short term she wouldn't have practice.

And I don't think you actually want to be married to her." 

"I mean, she's very pretty and smart and well-liked both among nobles and among common people and she has an excellent family background."

"And you came here because you had to marry her." 

He's hugging Ben very, very tightly. 

"I love her! It's just a little overwhelming to think about getting married when I'm fifteen!"

"Then don't. The last thing you need is to be more overwhelmed, and — there are going to be things you have to do even though they're overwhelming and thinking about it is terrifying but getting married shouldn't be one of them."