Kaleva grabs a napkin and a pen from his pocket and starts to diagram it. "Imagine you're on an island--"

Asher is looking at Kaleva with an oddly warm expression.

So is Chen. 

Eventually Ben says, "--I think we're late to class."

He glances at his phone. "We are. Back here after class is done?" 

"Sounds good."

He can't concentrate in class that day; time feels like it's moving slower than usual. 

(He can't stop thinking about Ben, Ben's smile, what it felt like to have Ben in his arms, his face buried in Ben's hair, falling asleep curled up with Ben —) 

He contributes what he can that afternoon, which mostly boils down to an overview of of Chinese bureaucracy, and watches Ben's face, watches him smiling, and — 

Doesn't examine that. Doesn't examine the pit in his stomach when he sees Audrey in the halls. 

He hasn't told Audrey. Doesn't want to tell Audrey. He keeps thinking to himself "I can't be picky about who my real advisers are, I need people I can trust" and then he just-- doesn't.

Audrey is beautiful, popular, from a royal family, good at dancing and drawing and music and languages. His parents like her. He kissed her and it was fine. A little gross and slimy but that seems like the sort of thing that kissing just is. She's said she's his one true love and he-- doesn't disagree. He doesn't have any sick and perverted and wrong feelings for her, so that might make her his true love.

She can comfort him when he's doing something stressful. That's what your one true love is for. Even if she hasn't studied economics like Kaleva or political activism like Asher or government like Chen she can still be useful in comforting him, right?

But that night he pulls Chen aside and says, "I liked it when you held me."

"I liked it too." (He liked it too much.) "Your rooms might be better if you want to do that again, I don't want to kick Kaleva out." 

"That sounds good. Maybe I should try not to fall asleep on you this time." 

"It was sweet, you looked very peaceful. — but it did not look particularly comfortable, no." 

Or maybe we could cuddle in a bed, he doesn't say.

"I'll probably need to actually get a good night's sleep if I'm going to be a king!" He doesn't manage to completely prevent the faint hysteria on the last words.

"You need a good night's sleep anyway. C'mon?" 

"Yeah."

If Ben were a good person, probably he would say something like 'I am pretty sure the reason I like you cuddling me is that I want you to kiss me, and also to torture me, and I have no idea why I want those things but I am pretty sure both of them are gross and wrong and I'm sorry I'm doing this to you'. But Ben is not nearly as good a person as Asher thinks he is, and he wants Chen to think well of him, and he really wants Chen to hold him, so he doesn't.

Being a king when you're sixteen is really stressful. People need stress relief, and being held is really good stress relief, and if it makes him a better king probably it is okay. Ben tells himself this repeatedly but doesn't really believe himself. He's pretty sure if his dad said he wouldn't be king until he was thirty-five he would be trying to get Chen to hold him anyway.

Chen — needs to stop thinking about how much he wants to hold Ben, it can be something he gives Ben when Ben needs it but it shouldn't be something he seeks out — if he were as good of a person as he pretends to be he would admit to Ben that he likes this more than he should, but. He isn't. He doesn't. 

Once they're in Ben's rooms he pulls Ben down to sit on the bed with him and wraps his arms around Ben's torso and puts one hand on the back of Ben's head. 

They're on the bed. He'd thought maybe they could work up to it, he could suggest it very casually and offhandedly and not at all like it mattered, but Chen just pulled him onto the bed and. He's so happy.

He makes a little noise and presses every inch of his skin into Chen's skin, greedily.

...oh. 

Oh, that's very good. Ben should make more noises like that. He adjusts the way he's holding Ben, presses closer still. 

He makes a quiet little whimper.

"It's normal," he says quietly. "Guys should be able to touch each other without it being a big thing, right?"

"Right," he agrees, and — he does believe that, it's just — 

Just that he knows he's lying in all the ways that count, even if he isn't saying anything untrue. Just that if he really cared about Ben he would tell him so, and then leave him alone. But. 

Ben presses into him more. It's not enough.

(They shouldn't be wearing clothes, he should get to see Chen and feel how warm and strong he is and--.)

"Touch starvation is bad for you."

Any objections he might have had dissolve when Ben smiles. "It is." 

"I really like you."

Chen feels warm and partway-melted. "I really like you." 

He smooshes his head into Chen's shoulder and feels the way his chest rises and falls and the warmth of his breath.

Stray thoughts keep wandering into his head. Chen could shove him into the bed and pin him down and he couldn't do anything about it. Their faces are so close, Chen could lift up his chin and kiss him. Chen could wrap a hand around his neck and cut off his air and he could struggle but Chen is so strong he couldn't really resist--

He tries to push the thoughts firmly aside. It does not really work.

He cradles Ben's head and doesn't, doesn't consider what Ben's teeth might feel like.