" - yeah, it sucks. I'll, uh, rest and stuff. Lemme know how it goes."

"Will do."

He leaves.

He holds Ender Kirk Teller.

They're really really cute together.

- wow, this is gonna suck. Like, she'd been prepared for it sucking, but - she'd figured everyone else would at least understand, when she -

- they're not even going to remember why. She's going to have to do it herself and Ryan won't remember why.

Well. Anything worth going to hell for.

She watches Ryan and Ender.

"Do you want her?"

"Yeah. Yeah, that'd be good, I didn't get to hold her for very long, before."

He hands her over. "She's beautiful."

"Yeah. She is." Beautiful tiny little godslayer baby, gonna save them all. Gonna be -

- maybe not remembered, actually. She'd been consoling herself with the thought that at least everyone would remember her, everyone would know what she did, which is kind of like living forever. But maybe no one will ever know. Maybe she's the only one who ever will. Still worth it, insofar as it was ever worth it, but -

She holds Ender Kirk Teller, and she cries.

" - hey, it's okay. It's okay."

"Yeah. Yeah, sorry. It's just - a lot."

"Yeah. I know. It's okay. You did great."

"Yeah."

She did. She is.

Alex and Wishbone won't know, but they'd be proud of her if they did, which is - kind of the same thing. Mostly.

"She's so small. I didn't know people were ever this small."

"She's so small. She has such tiny, tiny fingernails - look at them -"

"Itsy bitsy. You're so small right now, Ender. So, so small. You're gonna get so much - bigger."

She won't. God, she won't.

"But right now you are so small. The smallest."

"And so beautiful. 

Karen - will you marry me -"

Well.

"I wanna think about it," she says, quietly. "I wanna - give you an answer to that when I have less blood loss going on. OK?"

"Yeah. Of course."

"OK. You're gonna be a really good dad."

He will be. To some other kid, someday. It's not a lie if you believe it.

"We'll be okay."

Hey, Karen, he says three days later. 'supposed to tell you for some reason that orcs think Melkor's out of Angband right now. This doesn't affect anything, he does leave sometimes and there's no reason to think he's coming here, but - oh! Oh, maybe the spell that we tried to seal a god worked.

Ah. Thanks so much, that's really good to hear. You think - can you give me, like - he doesn't leave very often, right, it'd be really unlikely that he happened to leave right when we did the thing?

It's not something we've paid a lot of attention to? Maitimo thinks he hasn't left in a couple years.

OK. Cool. Thanks.

This is really all of the confirmation she needs. It's not like she has reason to believe the spell didn't work. Baby eyes don't normally glow, and it'd be weird for a botched spell to cover its tracks. It was just - important to check for some additional evidence. Just in case.

There's a knife in her room that she keeps for cutting paper. It's not the sharpest thing ever, but she's strong, so it should get the job done. She waits until an hour when most people are working, and she takes Ender to her room.

“I’m going to explain,” she whispers, very quietly, quietly enough that maybe no one else will hear. “I know you won’t understand it, but - I want you to have the memory of someone explaining it to you. Somewhere in your brain. That way you can - maybe someday you can understand. Maybe someday you can forgive us. You don’t have to - if you never forgive us for any of it, that’s - that’s totally understandable, and I’ll totally understand, I won’t even think you’re wrong, and I’ll love you anyway even though I’m never going to see you again, and - but I just think I should explain.

“So you. Ender. You’re my baby, and - I made you for this, to save other people, but you’re my baby and I love you so, so much, and - I wish that I could keep you safe, and tell you stories, and make everything OK for you forever and ever. I wish I could do that for you. I love you more than - wow, honestly maybe more than anyone else. Or - even if I don’t now, I feel like I would, you know, like if I held you some more and showed you more things about the world, then - then you would definitely end up being the most important thing in it. 

“But see - see, there are lots of other babies in the world with mommies who love them just as much as I love you. Babies who are hungry, and suffering, and in pain, and mommies who are also in pain, and, and mommies who are scared that they’re not going to be able to keep their babies safe. And there are soldiers who are going to get really hurt if the war goes on, and there are people who are trapped in a place called Angband where they hurt all the time, and there are lots and lots and lots of other people who are going to die, if we don’t end this war. If we don’t stop this guy named Melkor. 

“And - it turns out - maybe there’s another way to end the war. Maybe, I don’t know. But we only know of this one way to save all of the babies and their mommies and their daddies and all of the orcs and all of the people in Angband. And for that - for that I have to send you home right now, OK? I have to - I have to send you to heaven. And I’m not going to be able to go with you. And - and I wish that I could get to know you, see what kind of kid you are, see who you’ll become - I wish I could hold you close and teach you about stars and planets and, and the states of matter, and your ABC’s, and how to add and subtract and multiply and divide, and how all men are created equal and endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, and - I wish I could have that. I wish you could have that. But if I have that with you, then - then a whole lot of other babies are going to suffer and die and not get to be taught anything by their mommies. So - so I’m gonna kill you. And I think I can do it without it hurting. So - you’re gonna go to sleep, and you’re not gonna wake up, and - and we’re not gonna see each other ever again. But that’ll be - that’s what I have to do to help other people. And you’ll go and be with God, and - and I bet someday you’ll be OK again. I really do. Just not here. Not in this world. And not with me.

“This is why we had you, your father and me. This is why we - this is why your name is Ender Kirk Teller. Kirk because - because I hope that you’ll be better than we are. And because with your very existence you’re taking an impossible situation, a no-win scenario, and making it something that people can maybe come back from. Making it winnable. And Ender because - Ender is a child who was created by his parents, by his government, to save the world. To destroy the enemies of humanity and ensure that we could prosper and live. And it hurt him so badly, this thing that his adults asked of him, this thing that never should have been placed on his shoulders, but - but no one knew how else to save humanity. And so Ender had to pay that cost. You, Ender - we are making you pay that cost.

“And because - with you it’ll be over. Finished. Ended. You, Ender Kirk, will be an ender of wars, an ender of gods. And I wish that I could ask you whether that was what you wanted, but I can’t. I can’t. So I’m sorry, but - but I’m going to do this. And I want to thank you, for saving us. And I want you to know that I will always, always love you, and I hope that - I hope you get to be OK someday. I hope you get to be OK.”

She cries as she nurses her daughter to sleep. She sings - rock-a-bye-baby, over and over, because it’s the only lullaby that comes to mind. She sets her out on the blanket, on her bed. She picks up her knife, and takes a deep breath, and steadies herself, and tips Ender’s head back so her neck is clearly visible.

She cuts through the neck. One clean stroke. Fast. Painless. Died in her sleep. 

She drops her bloody knife on the bed and - and goes to the window, she thinks if she’s looking out the window she might not throw up, might not get the image of Ender’s disembodied head stuck in her mind. She knows by the time she makes it to the window that it’s already burned into her memory. She wants to think about Ender nursing, Ender cooing at her, Ender blinking in confusion, Ender sleeping peacefully, Ender crying at a noise she didn’t like, anything and everything that Ender was apart from what she is now.

Alex. I - 

Ender is dead.

That doesn't make any sense.

No, wait, that does make sense. Also, the ground is shaking.

Right, he says, I remember, and then he closes his eyes to shout evacuation orders north that definitely won't arrive in time.