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Nod nod nod!

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"However, the boy knew that the sorcerer was still more powerful than him by far. If he hadn't had his parents to think of, this might not have stopped him from running off half-cocked in some insane scheme for revenge. As it was, he knew he would need to find companions to help him defeat the sorcerer and make the land safe from innocents like his parents once more.
So the boy set out walking along a road through the forest, because everyone knew that the forest was a good place to meet interesting people. Mostly because it was easier to hide from people coming to arrest you amongst the trees, and interesting people had a habit of getting arrested because the king objected to their interestingness.
Eventually, the boy came across a swordswoman battling a fierce hydra. Every time she cut off one of its heads, it grew two more. Presumably she hadn't walked away and let it get on with its multicranial lizardy business because of the fair youth it had pinned menacingly under one foot."
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"She should cut off its foot!" opines Pen.

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"She was trying to, but every time she got close enough, a head would get between her and it, and she would have to cut it off before it could bite her with its poison fangs.
But the boy knew from his evil magic lessons that a hydra could only grow new heads from clean stumps, so he began using the magic that the sorcerer had taught him to snap the hydra's necks. Because even magic traditionally used for evil can do good, in the right hands."
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Nod nod.

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"Eventually, when all of the hydra's necks had been snapped, the swordswoman retrieved the handsome young man from beneath the hydra. He was only a little squished, and should recover shortly.
'Thank you for helping me save my brother,' said the swordswoman. 'He's not normally this useless.'
The swordswoman's brother made a vague squashed mumble of protest.
'Well, you were,' the swordswoman pointed out. 'What brings you through these woods, traveler?'
'I am seeking companions on a quest to defeat the evil sorcerer and his king and make the land safe for innocents,' the boy told her. 'But I know that I can't do it by myself, so I'm looking for people to help me.'
'My brother and I are on a quest to overthrow our stepfather, the wicked count,' said the swordswoman. 'We'll help you with your quest if you'll help us with ours.'
'It's a deal,' said the boy, and they shook on it."
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"Yay!"

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"When the swordswoman's brother had recovered from his squashing, he revealed that he was also an apprentice sorcerer, like the boy. Unlike the boy, his teacher had been a good person, but he had had to flee when his wicked stepfather usurped the countship and tried to have him killed. He had been studying healing magic.
The boy expressed some doubts that a healer would be very much use on a quest to overthrow three people and counting, but the healer retorted, 'I sincerely doubt we're going to get through this with no injuries for any of us. I can keep the two of you in top fighting form even when by all rights you should be half-dead. And if it comes down to it, magic of the body is magic of the body. If I can touch someone, I can hurt them almost as well as heal them.' Because even magic traditionally used to help can do harm in the right hands.
The boy accepted this logic without protest. But the three of them still weren't sure that they could take down even one of the evil sorcerer, the bad king, or the wicked count with just themselves. So they journeyed through the woods a while longer."
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Pen stretches a wing, lets it settle on the bed, nods.

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"So they journeyed through the woods a while longer. Along the way they found a woman who had been transformed into living fire by the sorcerer for rejecting his advances, and who wanted nothing more than to be detransformed so she could go home and take care of her little sister. The boy promised that once the sorcerer was defeated, he would search through his books to find a way to change her back, and she agreed to go with them. They met a man with a voice so sweet it would charm the woodland creatures into doing his bidding, who had fled to the woods to escape the king who wanted him to sing for his court, and he agreed to go with them. They met a very clever young sword-smith, who was charmed by the swordswoman's beauty, and he agreed to go with them.
At this point, they agreed that they probably had enough people, so they drew straws about whether they should deal with the sorcerer or the count first."
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"Drew straws?"

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"When you can't decide on something, but it has to be decided, you usually settle it through chance. One of the ways of deciding things by chance is that you take as many straws as there are options, cut one of them shorter or longer than the others, and have an impartial party hold them in their fist so you can't tell which one is the odd one out. Then everyone who's arguing draws a straw. The person who gets the odd straw out either wins or loses depending on what kind of argument it is."

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"Oh. Who win?"

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"The swordswoman and her brother won. So they all set out for the county of Vesser, where the siblings came from and their wicked stepfather was currently ruling.
They walked up to the castle gates, where a pair of the mercenaries the wicked count had hired were guarding the castle. The swordswoman walked up to them.
'My stepfather isn't the rightful holder of this land, and you know it. Get out from between us and him, and you'll come to no harm.'
'Yeah? You and what army, girl?' one of the soldiers laughed.
'Me, for a start,' said the fire-woman, having come up behind the guard as sneakily as fire can, and hugged him."
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"Fire hugs," giggles Pen.

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"Yep! Luckily for the guard, he knew to drop to the ground and roll over when he got set on fire. But it distracted him and the other guard long enough for the boy to magic open the castle gates and for everyone to walk through. Those particular guards didn't follow them, presumably to avoid more fire."

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Nod nod.

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"They met more guards, of course. Some of them the fire-woman managed to hug, and some of them were pelted with birds that the singer called from the sky, and some of them were magicked to sleep, and some of them were industriously sworded at by the swordswoman with the excellent new sword the sword-smith had made for her."

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"Pelted! With birds!" cackles Pen.

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"Yep. So eventually they reached the wicked count's throne room. He was, naturally, quite surprised to see them. He grabbed a little magic crystal that let him talk to people who also had little magic crystals, and demanded that the captain of the mercenaries send up more mercenaries to protect him.
'Um. No,' said the mercenary captain.
'No? No? What do you mean no? What exactly am I paying you for again?' the wicked count screeched.
'Well, y'see, every time some of my men engaged with them, they were not only defeated, but many of them embarrassingly so. And if there's one thing that can hurt a mercenary company more than defaulting on a contract, it's being humiliated. Th'thing one a them c'n do with birds, it's not natural.' "
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Pen cackles.

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"The swordswoman walked up to him and laid the edge of her sword against his neck. 'Hello, step-father,' she said menacingly. 'Are you going to remove the coronet, or shall I do it? I warn you, if you leave it to me, I might take a little extra by mistake.'
Naturally, he stopped shrieking. Hands shaking, he removed the coronet and handed it to her.
Having defaulted on their contract, the mercenaries left in short order. The siblings re-hired the old guards, and the swordswoman was installed as the true countess of Vesser. She threw her step-father in the dungeons, and they had a giant party to celebrate their first victory."
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"Hooray!"

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"The sword-smith expressed the opinion that he felt that this might have ended a little anticlimactically, and when he had been imagining this he had imagined there might be, oh, explosions or something. The boy offered to provide explosions. The swordswoman-countess told him firmly no."

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Pen cracks up.

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