Okay now he's getting pissed off again.

"You realise it's not just about me, right? That if Kang Jaeha finds out more people are onto him that could be a fucking shitstorm? It's not just about what I feel or it being personal though it's also that but you have endangered them. You have made it harder to—if Si-yeon-hyung puts something in his head then—ugh. I'm mad at you but you just apologised and that makes me feel like such a dick but also I'm still mad? I don't know what to do about that. I, fuck, I don't know, I think I forgive you, I probably forgive you, in the sense that I, like, I'm not going to keep banging on this note but like. It's not just my feelings."

Wince. "... Yeah. I - did also endanger them. I'm also sorry for endangering your friends thoughtlessly."

She's pretty sure his friends would prefer to know and be in danger than have no fucking idea, but, well. ... She still should have considered it. And she didn't.

"I don't know, how do other people do this? You apologised yesterday and apologised today again and I'm still feeling mad and I don't know why except it's probably backlash, right, obviously it's backlash, I'm only talking so much because it's backlash, only I don't know if there's something else that I'm thinking that I'm mad about which I don't know how to say. The thing you said, though, outing me? Good, that was good, that's a good way to describe it, you did out me. Even if I was being pathetic. Even if maybe I should've considered it. I probably should've considered it. So, you know, it wasn't all bad? Thank you for shaking me out of my dumb skull, sometimes I need that.

"I don't know. How do you not do that again?"

"Um. Well it was - somewhat extenuating circumstances, right, I don't think I'm going to be in a situation where I watch you - try to reconnect with your estranged but beloved friends over a very large inferential gap that is missing what they would find key information to - sorry, now I'm babbling, um. The general flavor of not - rushing ahead to make a decision that affects you and everyone you care about without your permission, is, um. ... Well the guilt will get me, for one, I feel like I betrayed your trust and I hate that, but for another I am just genuinely not the, the know-it-all I act like? I don't know everything, I won't get everything right, and I shouldn't just. Think I'm the queen of the universe and everyone's feelings and know best for everything without even checking with the man who's supposed to be my partner." Sigh. Lean. "I don't know if that's an actionable enough avoidance strategy, though. Um. ... I will accept ideas for me not doing that again."

Pet pet pet.

"...we can try to figure out once I'm less stupid. I—appreciate you saying that. Thank you. ...the thing about accepting ideas, I don't think you should keep beating yourself up due to guilt, that's my thing and if you steal it I'm not gonna be special anymore."

Snort.

"You don't have a monopoly on guilt, Tae-gun. You're not allowed to. That's deeply silly."

"I have a monopoly on being stupid about guilt. At least to this extent. Like... like... you know. How I've been doing it for years, right. It's a mental illness is what it is. Of some kind. Anyway I think I'm not mad anymore. Am I not mad anymore? I think I'm not mad anymore. I'm also a lot more okay with this in front of you, which, well, duh, there's no point hiding anything anymore, is there? So it's fine. ...it's fine, right? I can probably get horny again if you'd rather do that but it's harder when I'm already going like this. Like, full speed ahead. I'm kind of hungry."

"I'm fine with being around you when you're like this, but I'd be happy to try to steer to something else if you found this too intrusive or something. Hungry seems more directly relevant, though, c'mon, let's get food." She takes and kisses his hand, then it's time to lead him kitchen-wards for food! "And um. Thank you. For forgiving me. Though for the record you can take it back later once you're not backlashed and yell at me some more."

Kitchen-wards!

"I mean, when I'm like this I'm, like, I have no filter, and I say more words than are necessary, my SNR is low, but I don't say things I don't mean. They're just, they're a lot. You know. I'm an overthinker, right? So, when I'm like this, I'm an over...talker...sayer... I don't know. It just all spills out." He taps his temple. "But it's all here! Usually! It's all here. Just bottled up. Okay, sometimes it's not, sometimes it's kind of impulsive and I don't really mean it later, but only when it's, like, the very first thing I come up with, you know? And it's usually obvious because I say it and then I'm like shit I shouldn't have said it. I don't think there's anything here I shouldn't have said? Yet, anyway. I'm sure there will be. At some point. I guess it depends on the subject."

"I won't hold any of this against you. You've heard me babble before, and I don't even do it for backlash reasons. Honestly, yours is very cute and charming and it's a pleasure and a privilege to witness. Opinions on food options? I lean something easy."

"Dunno. Whatever. Also don't call me cute, it's triggering, he called me cute."

Pause. "Wait, that's fucking stupid, why am I letting myself have a trigger about being called cute? That'd be like—well admittedly I did have triggers about literally holding hands with people. Man he fucked me up so bad. This sucks. Call me cute again."

Wince. "You're cute," she repeats, even though she's wincing a little as she says it. "Though it's fine if you need time to get over things that seem ridiculous, I'm happy to dance around your feelings here? ... Which ramen flavor do you want? If ramen is fine. Is ramen fine?"

"Yes, that's fine, chicken please.

"But no, actually, I'm so fucking tired of being given space. Of needing space. It's embarrassing and it only gives, like, I dunno, weight to all of this shit. Makes me think about it more. I'm trying to get over him! Like I should've five years ago! I'm not going to get over him if I keep allowing his, his, his everything ruin my fucking life."

She can start preparing the instant ramen, then. His first. "Fair! And I, you know, did go and call you cute even as I was wincing on the inside about maybe hurting you. But, you know, I'm not the queen of the universe, you're an adult, you can set your own boundaries and I will do my best to respect them instead of," wince, "not doing that." Like yesterday. Ack.

"You know another way he fucked me up that's really stupid? The way I keep trying to pretend I don't like you because I'm scared of getting into a relationship again. As in, pretend I just like you fine as a friend. Isn't that stupid? I'm pretty sure anyone with eyes would notice it. ...it's okay if you don't like me back. Or, like, it's not, I'm going to cry about it when you're not looking, but I don't want to pressure you. Wait, is telling you that I'm going to cry pressuring? Fuck, I think it is. Can we forget I just said all of this?"

....

"... I don't think I can categorically forget you said all of that," she says, mildly, setting the kettle to start boiling. "Um. ... your implications are like me in a romantic sense, right, because honestly, I'm scared to be in a relationship again? But I, um. ... Also like you. A lot. As more than a friend. I just - it's - I thought I was in love, before, and I turned out to be wrong, and I don't trust myself or my feelings at all anymore, and it's all. Very scary. But I like what we have? Whatever it is right now?"

"Oh it's scary, it's terrifying, like, but it would be lying if I said you don't have admin access to my heart right now? ...I don't know if that sounded romantic or stupid or nerdy. One of those. But anyway, you do. And what we have right now, I mean, you're practically living with me, we have a ton of amazing sex, we hang out all the time, we enjoy spending time together even when we're not just guiding or working, it feels like I'd be lying if I said I hadn't put two and two together, you know? ...gah I'm still pressuring you. Also I'm scared! I know I don't sound it but I am too! Except I'm scared of a different thing. And it's been five years. Oh that'd make sense if you were scared of that too in addition to your thing, having my crazy ex after you."

"The crazy ex is not great, but - yeah it's... hm. Has it been six months since I broke up with my ex? .... Yeah, just over six months. Since my bitter breakup. So I'm actually more scared of getting into another... that... than the crazy mind control ex. Not to say that I'm not scared of him or anything, because I am, just." She looks away. "... It's hard. In a lot of ways I don't trust myself anymore. Or - go too far into trusting myself because trusting other people didn't work out great for me. It's this complicated balance that I can't really properly explain and I haven't untangled yet. Um. ... I don't feel pressured, exactly, it mostly feels like you're just trying to be honest with me, and yourself, which I ultimately really support. Is it okay if we're honest about it but then... don't... change anything? I like whatever it is we have now."

"Oh yeah that's perfect actually I was just scared you might want to change it because like we are kind of dating except for the label. ...well, I guess I'm not being super sappy at you, I could be. But I won't. Because you don't want to change stuff. Also it's embarrassing. But it's the sort of thing I used to do. Is be sappy. And yeah, I like what we have. What we have is good. You're the only person other than Woo-young I've been like this with, by the way, since Jaeha. ...I don't like Woo-young. I mean, romantically. He's my best friend. I don't really know why not? It sounds like maybe the sort of thing I should. But I don't. I just like you."

"Well, um. Thank you. I like you too. I think. With the caveats of - not trusting myself and also having recently broken your trust and hating myself for that a bit and - yes. Um. ... can you just hold me while we wait for the kettle to boil, I feel like it's taking forever and I want to hide from the scary feelings in your arms even though that makes no sense whatsoever, feelings are so fucking weird."

"...I just told you I like you, of course I can hold you. But also," on his way there he uses a knife to grab a pillow from the living room and, after he's properly hugging her, he says, "I will now scream into this pillow to discharge all of the embarrassment I've been suppressing over the past five minutes."

A

SPORFLE!!!!!!

"... Tae-gun that was still very loud...." she giggles, helplessly. "I'm right next to you!!!"

"Sorry."

A