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Jean's house has termites.
They are, as it happens, very polite termites. They stay scrupulously away from load-bearing beams, so that he never has to worry about his roof collapsing onto his head. He does have to replace the non-load-bearing walls occasionally -- and the porch railing, and the interior doors, and the kitchen table -- but they stay away from the bookshelves, so overall he counts it as a win.
The bedbugs are polite enough not to bite. Jean is pretty sure this should not be physiologically possible, but he's learned better than to ask too many questions. The mosquitoes do bite, but they don't bite him, and they're careful about only biting one animal so they don't spread disease.
He didn't have silverfish until he designated a bookshelf to devote entirely to a collection of really, truly terrible books. It features Fifty Shades of Gray and To Train Up A Child and Dianetics and tie-in novels for various franchises. Now he does have silverfish, but only in the one bookshelf, so that's okay.
His favorites are the bees. (The spiders are his sister's favorite, but she doesn't mind that he likes the bees best. Bees are good too.) He has hives and hives of them, and none of them ever sting him, which is good, because if they did they would die and that would be awful. They make more honey than they need, so every so often he gets to go open up one of the hives (he warns them first, politely, so none get squashed by accident) and fish out jars and jars full of honey. He has a pantry full of it, all different colors, shades of gold and brown and pale and even auburn. Sometimes he shares it with the bugs.
The bees need flowers, of course, but he has forty acres all to himself, and when the grasshoppers know to stay away and the worms know to come and thrive, that can grow a lot of plants. He gets monarch butterflies every fall when they migrate, and he stands outside counting them and crying. He doesn't love them quite as much as he loves the bees, but he still loves them, and there's fewer every year.
They miss him, when he's gone, traveling to act or to attend conferences or to do other things, and he misses them. There's bugs everywhere, but his house has so many, and such good ones. His sister sends him all sorts of strange and foreign creatures: dung beetles with carapaces that shine like jewels, long-legged spiders that weave him clothes of strange fabric, African termites that build clay statues at his command.
They're letting him be, right now, so he can focus on his work, but he can still see them moving out of the corner of his eye, and it makes him smile: small winged things darting irregular paths through the air, or heavier bugs scuttling across the floor, going about their business. He never has to be alone.
Jean clicks out of the ninth article on bee depopulation and squints at the screen, tired-eyed. increasing bee population, he googles.
Ten minutes later, after working through a fruitless page of results: getting bees to breed more
After another ten minutes: bee mating
bee sex
what do bees think is sexy
how to seduce a bee
[21:40] foggy: so you're saying you want to fuck bees
[21:40] kira_kira: literally the only thing you have seen him do is make torture porn
[21:41] lollicabra: that's not even true
[21:41] lollicabra: (@kira)
[21:43] lemontired: this is what happens when you face the troll king in single combat
[21:43] foggy: fuuuuck
[21:43] deadleaf: okay i found the invite for the next cali meetup!!
[21:44] deadleaf: https://meet.ly/inv/24u83rbb
[21:44] deadleaf: it's actually really soon :D
The meetup is on Sunday, a couple hours' drive away. Apparently palais is hosting. Four of the other chatroom denizens have already RSVP'd through the site (which doesn't require a login, just a name).
![[lung]](https://d1anwqy6ci9o1i.cloudfront.net/users%2F94%2Ficons%2F8e431906-d75d-4cfe-bdd5-25a78ea1a849_4a3afd4679b0367e54528e0ee5f413bf.jpg "[lung]")
[21:45] z: looks like everybody had fun ❤️
[21:45] z: especially kira
[21:46] kira_kira: fuck you. go choke yourself to death you piece of garbage
![[splat]](https://d1anwqy6ci9o1i.cloudfront.net/users%2F94%2Ficons%2Fadc9d776-c665-4899-9437-07ab8210fb4f_gore_by_crazyruthie-d9o6qvr.jpg "[splat]")
... oh, in context that makes sense.
[21:47] secondsting: May worms eat your flesh as you rot from the inside out.
[21:49] z: huh, didn't read you as a hatefollower
[21:49] z: you're pretty good at it though, i got this little chill
[21:50] lemontired: i think he's just being the troll king
[21:51] z: wait
[21:51] z: what the fuck, you're such a sweetheart
[21:51] z: i love it
[21:52] foggy: oh so it's cute when HE does it
[21:52] z: ❤️🐝
[21:52] deadleaf: awwww!!
[21:52] gobago: what???
[21:54] wastingdjinni: wait what the fuck
[21:54] wastingdjinni: your account's like a day old and you haven't tributed once
[21:55] wastingdjinni: how is this fair
[21:55] foggy: why do you have so much sand in your vagina wd
[21:55] deadleaf: not everybody tributes and it's okay!
[21:56] secondsting: Is there a rule that we're supposed to pay tribute before our account is a day old?
[21:56] secondsting: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
[21:57] wastingdjinni: no that's not what i meant
[21:57] wastingdjinni: you have an EMOJI and i bet you haven't even cut for him
[21:58] lemontired: dude, he gets to pick who he wants to talk to
[21:58] wastingdjinni: I LOST HALF MY FINGER and he doesn't talk to me
[21:58] foggy: lol we all saw you talking about how hot that was yesterday
[21:59] wastingdjinni: oh fuck you
[22:00] kira_kira: you what
[22:00] deadleaf: guys :(
[22:01] wastingdjinni: yes i liked it but that's not the point
[22:01] wastingdjinni: the point is i don't think this guy is committed
[22:02] wastingdjinni: oh my gd
[22:03] z: wd if you don't want to make fanvids then don't
[22:03] z: you know i love all of you, right?
[22:04] z: (yeah even you kira)
[22:04] z: don't beat yourselves up for me any more than you want to
[22:05] z: ❤️
[22:06] wastingdjinni: thank you
[22:07] wastingdjinni: do you want to see the video
[22:07] z: fuck yes i do