The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

...I also left my copy of an infernal contract detailing the powers I sold my soul for.

Ileosa.

I know, I know, you don't have to tell me.

Hey, it's okay. 

Like I said, this is why we're going through the Overlord List, to find places for improvement.

Right.

I'll move everything important into some hidey hole, and burn the rest. 

...

...

...

If you aren't busy with anything, can you possibly help me move the Truths of the Sihedron, and hide it?

It's really heavy.

Sure, I'd be happy to.

You're my hero.

And, relatedly, what's number seventy-five?

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

I'll write a memo.

Seventy-six?

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

Maybe I'd feel more tempted to do this if I were a full-BAB class and/or invested in Combat Maneuvers, but I'm not and I haven't. 

Seventy-seven?

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

Wait, this seems at odds with rule seventy-one?

And what's supposed to go wrong when you do this? I haven't had any problems with bringing my trusted lieutenants along as security so far.

I think 'trusted lieutenant' here should be read as 'favored lieutenant' or 'second in command.'

Ohhhhhh, I see.

Yeah, if I offer you a specific someone's job, they won't be in the room to hear it happen. Like - although this hardly counts because I don't expect Togomor to care very much - if you decide to take the job as Seneschal of Castle Korvosa, that's when I'll worry about telling the current one.

Why does Togomor work for you? I've never been clear on what his goals are or how the two of you met.

He likes to play that near to the chest. Wizards and their mysteries, right? 

I don't think there's an entry on the Overlord List that explicitly says you need to know why the most powerful spellcaster in your organization decided to join it, but it seems like a good idea.

Oh, I'm sure I know what Togomor's whole deal is, by this point in the story. I'm just not telling you. 

Seventy-eight?

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

Taking people alive is more of a job for a spellcaster than for the Legions of Terror anyway.

Seventy-nine?