The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

Swear an axiomite to secrecy and pay them to improve on what you've got?

...Yeah, I guess I could do that.

Why couldn't you have given me a list of a hundred things I don't have to change at all, that'd be so much more fun to go through.

But less useful.

Why are you being so helpful to me, anyway?

Helping people is what good is all about!

Helping people with their Evil schemes isn't!

Well, if you have a burning orphanage to point me towards, I'll be off. Until then, I'll help the person in front of me.

With her Evil schemes???

Well, my impression is that sometimes your Evil schemes are more murdery, cruel, or destructive than really serves you in the long run. I think things could be better for everyone, without being worse for anyone.

Suppose that without your advice I'd shortly be deposed, but by following it I secure my precarious position and rule for a thousand years.

Even if those thousand years were less murdery, cruel, and destructive than they'd otherwise be, that's still a thousand more years of my rule than the timeline where Korvosa sneezes me out like a bad cold. 

Didn't we already establish upthread that you have me enchanted and that's why I can't feed you bad info?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah, that's right. 

What's sixty-two?

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

I think that, outside of fiction, this is something which fortress designers are already keeping in mind. What's sixty-three?

Sci-fi trope:

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

Sixty-four?

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

What's sixty-five?

You don't want to talk about sixty-four?

I don't want to talk about sixty-four.

Do you want to talk about why?

Do you want to talk about why you want me to talk about sixty-four? 

Are you looking for weaknesses you can exploit? 

What? No! What kind of friend would that make me? 

So you just want to have a friendly conversation about my "extremely unusual phobias." 

What are my "extremely unusual phobias," Choryon? What are my "bizarre compulsive habits?"

Why don't you tell me how extremely unusual and bizarre I am.

You know.

As a friend.

Hey, we can move on to sixty-five, if you want.