The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

If Sabina betrayed me, that'd hurt worse than just knowing that I had to take away the option. 

Let's press on! 

What's rule fifty-two?

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

Eodred could have used that advice. 

...It's probably wise, if you find yourself saying that someone you killed should have taken some word or other of advice, to take it yourself, lest someone later say it of you. There's no strong reason to think I've already found the important secret passages and abandoned tunnels under Castle Korvosa. I should map it out, and get Togomor to ethereally check everywhere that there could be a secret room.

What's fifty-three?

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

The beautiful princess that you capture is obviously going to say that, so this rule is tantamount to saying "don't capture beautiful princesses." If you captured her anyway you presumably have a plan for bringing her around to your point of view... but I guess that just never works in my genre? 

I'm growing to hate this genre.

What's fifty-four?

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

That sounds like a great way to trigger a penalty clause.

If I ever double-cross a demonic being it'll probably be because that was the plan from the start and definitely be because I thought it through and have also forced a mind-controlled contract devil think it through and I know I can get away with it.

Fifty-five?

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

Let me tell you a story.

So, background: the Mr. and Missus Carowyn were a pair of horrid gossips and I thought I'd improve Korvosa's social scene a little bit by having the both of them murdered by an assassin, and a few of their friends.

...Is that why I had to fight like a million dancing zombies in Carowyn manor, and an evil clown?

The Carowyns were gossips? 

I don't think it's proportionate to turn people into the backup dancers from Michael Jackson's Thriller just for gossiping about you.

There were not supposed to be dancing zombies!

There was not meant to be an evil clown!

Anyway, I hire this Red Mantis, Reiner Davaulus,

Davaulus was a Red Mantis Assassin?

Allegedly! Although he sure didn't get around to very much assassination!!

Anyway, I tell Davaulus to do in the Carowyns, and make it look like it was plague.

So what does he do? 

...He decides to hire out to an evil clown?

He delegates the murder to the Cult of Urgathoa, who've been doing odd jobs for the Red Mantis, except I guess they're busy because a list of names in my handwriting lands on the desk of a local wizard named Rolth (I never did manage to extract a surname), who has in turn been doing odd jobs for the Cult of Urgathoa.

And Rolth is an evil clown necromancer elf lady. 

No he isn't, but his girlfriend is!!!

This four-layer deep stack of delegation works roughly as well as you'd expect. Through some miracle of transmutation which I'm sure an alchemist could properly explain, my request to "make it look like they all died of the plague that's catching, so no one knows that they were even murdered," turned into "dress and paint yourself like a circus clown and kill everyone attending the mask party with crossbow bolts you've dosed with plague or smoke bombs that contain blood from the infected, reanimate the corpses, and stay for days at the scene of the crime drinking and dancing with the zombies!"

You know what.

I'm going to take the genre-relevant entries from your Evil Overlord List, bulk it out with the stuff I know it's missing, and make it required reading for any assassin who wants my money.

There will be a quiz at the end. With word problems.

I'm just shaken that the Red Mantis both have people who can pass as sane to casual inspection, and that those ones are somehow even worse at their jobs.

Well, if you have a substitute crew of contract killers, feel free to recommend them. 

What's number fifty-six?

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

A man-sized target, within your first range increment, it's AC 3, and if you take a round to line up a shot against an inanimate object you get +5... I don't know if using them as target practice is useful, that probably depends on how secure you are in power, and maybe they have garbage Dex and aren't proficient with the weapon but have other skills to make up for it, but it definitely seems like a problem if your minions can't make that shot, it doesn't take a Menador archer.

Presumably the thing Peter actually cares about is whether his minions can hit a real human, though, which is AC 10 or higher. You can't fault people for missing that sometimes... I'm guessing that Peter has seen a lot of poorly trained soldiers, or soldiers who don't train with ranged weapons? Your soldiers should train with ranged weapons, even if that's not what they expect or hope to be doing most of the time. The Gray Maidens carry bows.

What's number fifty-seven?