The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

That one vampire guy - the optional encounter in Room G11.

...Why are my minions such horrible infighting backstabbers. What did I do to deserve this.

How much did "that one vampire guy" pay you?

I don't remember.

It wasn't a lot.

Would you have done it for free?

Were you, possibly, and I'm going way out on a limb here, already in the process of doing it for free when you met someone willing to pay you for it?

I object to your defamatory remarks. This is just bog-standard heroism! 

I'm a charitable soul so I do it pro bono. 

When I'm not fighting for money, I fight for what's right.

Suppose you were walking through the Cinderlands and randomly encountered a berserk golem. 

I'd destroy the golem to free the elemental spirit within.

It's a hell engine golem, so there's no elemental spirit.

I'd destroy the golem to make the countryside safe again.

The golem is about to mindlessly wander through a portal to the Elemental Plane of Fire, which will incinerate it.

If we stop it in time, we can sell the golem's parts for scrap.

Let's stipulate that if you don't fight the golem, Lyvina will kill it with create pit and falling objects. 

But she should conserve her spells. 

Let's say that you're out of Bloodrage and fast healing for the day, so if you fought the golem she'd have to spend her spells on mending your wounds.

Lyvina can convert any spells into cures, and so can Mull, and they have healing wands, too, so it's better to spend healing spells here than the create pit.

Your wizard accidentally prepared four of create pit this morning.

Okay, fine, you win, I'd rather fight the golem than watch Lyvina drop rocks on it while it scrabbles helplessly at the walls of a conjured pit.

Happy?

So according to rule forty-four I shouldn't hire you or Altronus for anything.

This isn't fair!

We don't ask for nearly as much money as someone with our track record ought be able to demand!!

You do tend to do dumb things to make fights which should be easy more entertaining, though. 

That's clearly against rule forty-four.

Your Red Mantis guys charge a fortune and act professional but I've got like two-dozen of their sawtooth sabers in my Bag of Holding.

I think the thing you should be looking at in a prospective mercenary is how cheap they'll work and whether they've succeeded at similar jobs in the past.

Maybe if you paid me I'd pass along tips about where you could find good fights, and then I could use my earnings to hire more of the people who work for money.

This seems in keeping with the spirit of the rule.

Okay, but if I get to the target first I get to keep whatever I find in their pockets.

It's a deal. 

What's number forty-five?