The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

Yup. Always kill the familiar.

Forty-three?

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I was thinking this back at number thirty-seven, too, but some of these rules are good advice that I expect is much harder to follow in the moment than they are to pat yourself on the back about when you're just talking or writing about them.

Forty-four?

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I feel like your cleric needs this advice more than I do.

Mull's the party face, not the party leader.

Also, I do too work for money!

Who paid you to fight the high priest of Urgathoa? 

That one vampire guy - the optional encounter in Room G11.

...Why are my minions such horrible infighting backstabbers. What did I do to deserve this.

How much did "that one vampire guy" pay you?

I don't remember.

It wasn't a lot.

Would you have done it for free?

Were you, possibly, and I'm going way out on a limb here, already in the process of doing it for free when you met someone willing to pay you for it?

I object to your defamatory remarks. This is just bog-standard heroism! 

I'm a charitable soul so I do it pro bono. 

When I'm not fighting for money, I fight for what's right.

Suppose you were walking through the Cinderlands and randomly encountered a berserk golem. 

I'd destroy the golem to free the elemental spirit within.

It's a hell engine golem, so there's no elemental spirit.

I'd destroy the golem to make the countryside safe again.

The golem is about to mindlessly wander through a portal to the Elemental Plane of Fire, which will incinerate it.

If we stop it in time, we can sell the golem's parts for scrap.

Let's stipulate that if you don't fight the golem, Lyvina will kill it with create pit and falling objects. 

But she should conserve her spells. 

Let's say that you're out of Bloodrage and fast healing for the day, so if you fought the golem she'd have to spend her spells on mending your wounds.

Lyvina can convert any spells into cures, and so can Mull, and they have healing wands, too, so it's better to spend healing spells here than the create pit.

Your wizard accidentally prepared four of create pit this morning.