The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

Because then you're fair game for a non-karmic death, right.

What's number thirty-five?

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

Modern depictions of Asmodeus don't usually have Him in a goatee anyway, they give Him whatever style is presently fashionable.

This isn't really applicable to me, though, so, what's thirty-six?

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

Can you give the key to someone who runs the day-to-day operations of the prison? 

If you're fine with them dying the ignominious death of a quirky miniboss. 

Great. Okay, apparently I'm a prison warden now.

...And it's a job with a commute, because I can't imprison them under the castle because that breaks rule ten! 

I hope that you appreciate the fact that following all of these rules will require me to re-imagine how prisons work from pretty much the ground up.

What's rule thirty-seven?

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

What if he's lying? Are you supposed to believe him then?

You could ask someone else for their take, or use detect thoughts, or check how the battle's going for yourself.

I really need a Medallion of Thoughts.

Aren't those like 12,000 gp? And the DC is 13? And you can already cast the spell?

Yeah, but not at-will I can't.

You're a spontaneous caster, though.

The duration isn't long enough. Like, imagine that I've got you tied up and I cast suggestion so you believe I'm really going to kill you this time but charm person so you can't help but love me anyway, and my plan is to tease you until both of the spells wear off.

Obviously I'd want to read your mind while I'm doing this. But charm and suggestion both last for hours, and detect thoughts only lasts a few minutes!

Are you free later?

I'm free always.

What's number thirty-eight?

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

Seems like solid advice. I wonder whether there's a spell for it...

Thirty-nine?

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

It's good to know what I'm already doing right.

Forty?

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Properly Asmodean. Forty-one?

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

Either Creation is very soon to end, or destroying the time-travel devices is impossible, or someone will eventually succeed at that and therefore already has.

Forty-two?