"If you don't want to take up a better religion I'm not sure where to suggest you start; I imagine there are - Rahadi philosophers or something, meditating on the Good without any specific divine model, but I don't know what they say, I'm sorry."

"Oh, I'm not - specifically opposed to taking up a different religion, I just... haven't thought about it much. Didn't seem like it would help with anything. Also... a lot of services are in old Asmodean temples and I don't like spending time here. Unless it's important." 

"That makes sense. They'll be remodeled over time, but not fast. I have heard a couple of street preachers, a Calistrian, a Sarenrite, there might be more but I don't know where you'd find them..."

"I think I don't understand how this... helps with going to Hell? Do you get points for listening to Good sermons? I can tolerate being in the Asmodean temple if it helps someone somehow. I'd just assumed there wasn't a... point, in trying for myself, because of the baby. Especially if I... spend a lot more time not able to take actions then most people. But sitting someplace I can do even when I'm... not fine. 

- seems easy enough to get the Abyss instead of Hell, if it's Hell in particular that the problem. I know Iomedae hates Hell in particular but I don't understand why. The Worldwound seemed pretty bad. Is it better to try to get the Abyss, if I get Abaddon? If the Worldwound is really closed then maybe that makes the Abyss less bad? Or... actually maybe it would be better if I let Abaddon eat me? If I'm Neutral Evil? Is that how that works?" 

"That... is how I understand it to work... Hell in particular is bad because it is organized and worth opposing because it is finite, the Worldwound was in fact very bad but the Abyss itself goes on forever with no end to the number of demons so while it might be desirable to establish a beachhead there someday its complete conquest is not likely feasible. I don't actually know if there is a standard recommendation from the Church about what choice to make if you find yourself having a choice, but it's - better to make your choices now when they can keep you out of the Lower Planes altogether. Listening to sermons, by itself, doesn't do it, but a good sermon is designed to - clarify to you within yourself how to attend to your conscience and pursue the good in whatever way makes sense to you...

"In Osirion, Abadar's country, they aim specifically for Lawful Neutral, and they're interested in how to make it more likely and more legibly likely that someone will make it, and they do statistics, scrying the dead whose lives they know more about to see where they wind up. They are trying to come up with a loosely standardized accounting of how much Good it takes in what forms to make up for common Evils. And one of the most common Evils is infanticide. If - I gave you their best estimate, in gold, it would sound insurmountable, but it's not, it's just - denominated in gold, and a lifetime aimed at the Good is more valuable than the gold."

“I am - bad at pursuing things. So it doesn’t sound like the sermons will help.” 

"...well, there's a skill to get better at, then."

“That’s… what I meant by seeming fine when not fine. Or. It’s all - kind of the same problem.” 

"Is it? Why can't you pursue something while not seeming fine?"

She opens her mouth to explain, but this is just too mortifying. 

She stammers for a few moments, and then settles on a shrug. 

"You don't have to tell me, or anyone, but if you can figure it out for yourself it might be important."

“ - I - I - I -

I’ve been trying.”

Nod nod. "What have you been trying?"

Another shrug. 

"Sometimes there is a - state of mind, that feels like trying, but doesn't have any steps. And if it's not working you might want to switch to a form of trying that has steps."

“ I - sometimes I can’t - anything - even if the steps are very small.” 

this might actually be worse than getting a beating

she wants to turn and run but she’s been using her mouth and not her legs and her legs feel more stuck than her mouth why did she come here why can’t she leave 

"I could go ask a paladin to lend you their anti-fear aura if you think that might help at all. It doesn't cost a spell slot as I understand it."

She nods. 

He goes and comes back with a paladin.

Who smiles reassuringly.

oh no

She turns and takes a half step away before she realizes she needs to cancel the previously failing instruction that's abruptly succeeded at going through. 

"-oh. This is incredible. I could definitely hang first-circle spells like this in the morning. I wonder if I can I do them now? I've never tried in the evening. Do you feel like this all time? Is there any way I can feel like this all the time? I could - "

She notices that something in the demeanor of the Select has shifted. 

"- are you okay?" 

So this is what not being afraid is like.

It doesn't feel like much.

That is to say, it's just an absence. The not-fear doesn't have any weight of its own.

Also, it has deleted about three quarters of Blai's thoughts, and not replaced them with anything.

That's a large fraction.

Most of his thoughts aren't worth having, of course. This is probably just picking out the worthwhile ones that aren't about being afraid.

So it's not objectively slowing him down much probably.

It's a lot like being slowed down, though, subjectively.

And on top of feeling slower he feels like he's interacting less with the process of thinking.

Usually he has to catch his useful thoughts as they go by, each accompanied by chaff he chooses to discard.

He isn't doing that part right now.

It feels sort of like he might have imagined not having free will would feel like.

Fearless. Unencumbered by distracting emotions. Thinking, because he is the kind of tool that must think, but not making decisions about the thoughts.

He is not afraid that he will one day become something like this forever. He is not presently able to be afraid of that, or anything.

Maybe if he were immune to fear always, the way paladins are, he would get faster. Maybe he would fill the blank spots that would once have been full of nervousness with content of value.

Maybe. Maybe not.

It's not for always, though, it's only while the aura is lent to him. He does not have the opportunity to learn to think more efficiently this way.

And he is - slowly, waiting for the thought to come unbidden, lacking any of the usual mental clamor to tear through in search of it, and reduced to passive observation of his mental state - he is aware that he does not like this.

Which is a feeling, and doesn't matter.

The fear that he's missing doesn't matter either.

Since neither of these things matters, that means it's up to him.

In the meanwhile he's doing spiritual counseling, though, and that does matter.

"Please don't worry about me. It's an area effect and I don't seem to take to it as well as you, but it doesn't matter."

"It doesn't cost effort to keep up but there aren't a lot of ways to be sure you can always be within ten feet of a paladin who can do it."

"Is there a way I can do it in the mornings? If I could get first-circle spells every morning - I think if they're prepped I can cast them most of the time even if I'm not in the aura, it's prepping them that's hardest - this would help with the part where I can't hold down a job well if I'm trying to think at the same time - I think I could manage to make enough on first-circle spells to eat every day even if I wasn't perfectly reliable about it. Though I'm not totally sure since I haven't actually been thinking about this as a viable strategy."

That would be terrifying to say if she could be terrified, the thought of being terrified again soon would be terrifying if she could be terrified, but she can't so there's only the wonderful clarity of her thoughts.

And embarrassment. 

This is also embarrassing but it's better to solve her problems at the cost of being embarrassed, the whole previous conversation was embarrassing as well terrifying and she's still embarrassed about it but it's also led to the most wonderful possible thing so everything that led up to this moment had to have been a good idea and if it's just the one thing eating her brain she can push through it just fine for right now.