“Why did you want to practice being better at doing things when you were doing them for Asmodeus? - or did you get better at doing things, after?”

"I spent my career at the Worldwound and it was important to me to get better at containing the demons. But not all practice is even responsive to how much one wants to practice doing a thing; it can happen when you do a thing many times however little you like it."

She swallows.

”I killed my baby. When learning wizardry. Because we need sleep to be wizards and so they take away the babies. They were going to take him away - and - and - I couldn’t bear them to hurt him and damn him like they were damning us all and he was just born so he was surely too little for Hell - 

- they kicked me out, a bit after that, because I couldn’t cast proper spells anymore, only cantrips and was failing everything and it wasn’t really on purpose so they didn’t kill me for it but they couldn’t make me be useful to them but it’s been years and I haven’t been able to be useful to myself either.” 

"You're right. Babies are too little for Hell. Your baby is not in Hell."

“ - but I didn’t need to. Because the archmages came. If I’d let them take my baby he - might’ve been okay now.” 

"You didn't know. Even paladins can only do what's best given what they know."

“ - I - was it best? - surely it was still Evil - I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m like this”

She digs her nails into her arm, blinks rapidly to clear the tears forming. 

"I don't know if it was best. I'm sorry."

Her face burns with embarrassment. A moment of silence. Two. Three. She’s trembling a little, but her voice is steadier.  

“Is there a way to get seminary records? So I can find out whether he was clericed and where they sent him after?” 

"- that's a good question," why did he publish a pamphlet advertising his potential insight on people's cleric relatives without getting ahold of any seminary records!! Why is he so stupid! "but I don't know. Which seminary was he in?"

“I’m… not sure. We grew up in the Heartlands, between Egorian and Dekarium. I went to wizardry prep school in Dekarium, but I don’t think there was a seminary there. So I guess Egorian if there was one there? Unless they sometimes send them to schools far away just because… Probably my parents know - if they’re alive - but I - don’t want to try to find them.” 

"I'm from Dekarium, so most likely he went to the same place I did, the Crucible. I will see what I can do to find records if they survive."

She nods. 

“His name was Nicolau Vernet.” 

Blai will get out some paper and scratch that down.

“Thank you.”

"Of course. I should have looked into the records sooner and thank you for prompting me."

“- you’re not awful. Every Asmodean priest I met - before - was awful. Were you always like this or - did it take being dropped - or being chosen again? 

- that’s what I meant by if he was okay, kind of. He wasn’t awful to start with.”

don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it

"I think I was always unusual. I have changed, since being dropped and then selected. But mostly in Who I owe my allegiance and... how I present myself. Not being allowed to lie is a substantial constraint, for one.

"I think you probably did not get a close look at the - inner personal qualities - of priests you met. It's possible that your brother would seem awful to anyone who met him while he was practicing clergy but not to you. Depending on your relationship."

no she’s not going to think about that 

“I think that’s everything. Unless you have anything else to say about not being fine but seeming fine if practice doesn’t help enough?” 

that’s so pathetic but she already knew she’s pathetic and she’s known that for years and no one is beating her about it right now and it feels like they might start any moment but that’s pathetic to worry about and she’s also too pathetic to stop it so whatever 

her brain is eating itself much less than it was a couple of hours ago so it seems like it was a good decision to come

"Unfortunately that skill, if it's a skill, is not transparent to me as having any parts besides 'be Chelish' - but - Cheliax is changing, so I'm not sure it's wise to focus on that skill to the exclusion of others."

okay yes she knows she’s pathetic and everyone else is much better than her at everything that matters and even the select who will graciously take being spat upon is like what is wrong with you how are you like this how did you not get better at this in your whole life in cheliax are you even chelish no chelish people are quite this pathetic  

She wants defend herself and say that she’s usually better than this, it’s just that she can only do one of “have useful thoughts” and “not be like this” and most days she doesn’t actually need to have useful thoughts so it’s fine except for how she wants to be able to cast more than cantrips again at some point - she can pull off being Chelish most days, she just couldn’t do being Chelish and have this conversation. But that’d be even more pathetic. Instead - 

“What are the skills you think are wisest to focus on?”

"...shaking off Hell, whatever form that takes for you. Is there a god you favor nowadays?"

"No." 

"If you don't want to take up a better religion I'm not sure where to suggest you start; I imagine there are - Rahadi philosophers or something, meditating on the Good without any specific divine model, but I don't know what they say, I'm sorry."

"Oh, I'm not - specifically opposed to taking up a different religion, I just... haven't thought about it much. Didn't seem like it would help with anything. Also... a lot of services are in old Asmodean temples and I don't like spending time here. Unless it's important."