The Undying Badger!

Ignorant Children, you must listen to my words! I am the mature and sensible voice of responsibility. I fear for what may happen should young girls disobey their mothers and consort with strange men. To educate foolish children in the consequences, I present to you this tale. It is from the mouth of the infamous Badger-Lich of Westcrown. She was once a small and innocent child, but now she is a Lich, dwelling in the fetid sewers with the rats and bats. This is her story, as she tells it: 

I was born in 4561 AR, fifty years before Aroden's Death. My Mother was the Daughter of a City Count, sent Away into the Country for the Usual Reason. She was a Slut! We were Twins. She Pinned Her hopes on my sister Velarise, Older by a Minute, whose Sorcerous Talents manifested early. Her little Lightning Bolts became a Regular Feature of my Childhood.  

It is I, the mature and sensible voice of responsibility, interrupting so that you do not get the wrong idea. Remember, it is better to cherish your family and endure the occasional bolt of sorcerous lightning. 

Mother doted on her but Not on Me! So I doted on Myself. While Velarise practiced her Lightning I frequented Taverns and Spoke to Adventurers! I wanted Magic Too, and Read A Lot. At age Fifteen, I heard Whispers of a Necromancer. Already Then I had some Skills in that Direction, and in an Ancient Tomb I found Master Jordi Raventós, an Old Man and Necromancer who had Retreated from the World as I later did!

Taverns are no place for the delicate morals of a young girl. They are known to impart the vices of drunkenness, unabadaran gambling, and promiscuity, but truly the most threatening vice generated by taverns is dread necromancy.

"Fools!" He would Exclaim between Coughs "I’ll Show them All!" His Hands shook too badly to perform Much Magic, but his mind Remained Sharp. He was a Great Man. My Mother’s Fury When she Heard was Terrible, and They Locked Me In. I Escaped! And went Back!

If you ever consider that your parents may not know best, or think of leaving home without permission… you may be on the path to lichdom.

He would Spend Hours detailing his theories about Necromancy between his tirades. The man was Very Old, and only Touched me in Unseemly Ways a Few Times, which is the Price of Doing Business. Master Raventós had Spent his Entire Life working toward Lichdom. When He Died, He was Not Ready. So it Goes. He died During my Fifth year of Study, and I did not Kill Him. He was Just Old! 

When descending into abandoned crypts to learn the dark arts at the feet of terrible necromancers, bring a chaperone. Without a father or brother supervising , the necromancer will surely take advantage.

Then I Did some Things to Gather Circles, In the Usual Way except Necromantically! I killed Many Things! Once I killed a Wading Bird, Fifty Feet Tall! 

Velarise became an Adventurer Too! She had no Children, and Would then Later Fall in the War against Hell! Our Family Lived on (More or Less) in Me!

The best way to make sure your family lives on is not living an exciting life of adventuring, traveling the world and killing giant birds for arcane power. It is much easier and more fulfilling to marry a respectable husband and have children. 

I was well into my Fifties When I Finally Mastered the Creation of Undead. By then, Cheliax had nearly Fallen to Hell, and it was Time to Descend. I had already begun my Preparations for Lichdom, but it is a Truism to Not attempt your Ascension Before you can Create a Crawling Hand. Now I Could. 

I have Explained my Private Means of Ascension Previously. 

As I was Ascending, I was also Creating my Lair, being in something of a Hurry, For the Regime of Hell was Rising Then. To Dig that Place, I created my First Badgers, Though the Well-known Animate Dead spell.  I did not Immediately Realize the Importance of the Badger, but as Soon as I woke, Undying, I realized that They are the Best Thing! 

Digging holes and constructing lairs is not woman’s work. This task would have been better left to an undying badger of the male sex. 

I Then spent Some Years Searching for Ways to Improve the Badger. I Obtained- through Some Unspecified Means- the Awaken Spell, as well as the Means to make them Undying. I woke then Clarabella and Haria and Montserrat and Eulàlia and Jordina and Mercè and Núria and Began their Education. 

My Phylactery—Remains my Most Closely Guarded Secret. I spent A Many Years Crafting Magical items to Finance my unique means of Concealment. If you Own a Magic Item with Two  Black And One White Dot in a Pattern, It is One that I Constructed and Sold with the Help of my Loyal Badgers. And you are Lucky, for it is Well Crafted and High Quality. 

Behold, the heart of the Badger lich desires to educate young minds and engage in crafts, even in her dismal state. If she had lived a life of public morals, she would happily educate her children and perhaps weave and mend clothes. Instead, she has to substitute training undying animals and becoming wealthy by selling magic items.

In conclusion: Obey your parents and avoid taverns to become a virtuous and happy woman. Otherwise, you will become an immortal undead lich queen.

Don’t know if this would actually get past the censors, but it should at least confuse them.