"Fair enough."

"If I tried literally every single thing I'd heard of that didn't sound like an automatic disaster I wouldn't have time to get attempted murdered in the woods."

"It would really depend on how you prioritized the things."

"If I tried every sex thing I'd heard of I wouldn't have time to get attempted murdered in the woods."

"...This would probably also depend on how you prioritized the things. The thing with the attempted murderers is they're really impolite about interruptions."

"I'm assuming I'm doing these sex things in my college dorm room. Or an apartment, if I was constantly having sex instead of attending to my school work I'd get expelled sooner or later."

"Is outdoor sex in various locations not practiced on this version of Earth?"

"True, it is, but that will get you arrested for public indecency and therefore goes under 'obviously terrible ideas.' Unless you did it at night...in the woods...okay, I see your point."

"Except that if I was busy having sex I might not notice the lunatic with the hockey mask and chainsaw and get actually murdered instead of attempted murdered which puts it firmly back into the realm of terrible ideas."

"That's true, you do seem to have this problem. Do you not get bizarre home invasions when you're just minding your own business?"

"...Not in my hometown or on campus. There was this one time when I had an internship abroad that a different kind of vampire broke into my room, but she was actually after my roommate."

"How many kinds are there?"

"There's the most famous kind, the European ones, there's the Chinese Hopping Vampires which is probably kind of racist for me to say but I can't remember their real name, there was the kind I mentioned encountering that I...was not eligible to be victimized by, and I repeat my disclaimer about not being able to promise anything doesn't exist."

"This seems like too many kinds."

"I don't disagree."

"Home invader vampire didn't get your vampire, did they?"

"Different roommate. Jaromira's not a biology major, and it was a biology internship."

"Well, didn't get your other roommate, then?"

"No, I woke up and chased it off with a baseball bat, and then we consulted the locals on how to keep it away. It was an unpleasant surprise for the roommate, though. That kind of vampire feeds by sucking fetuses out the mother's bellybutton, and she hadn't known she was pregnant."

"...And there's some excellent reason they don't staff abortion clinics? I hope?"

"Sucking the fetus out of a woman's bellybutton is not exactly safe for the woman in question."

"Right. And probably they can only feed on humans or prefer to do so for flavor reasons?"

"I assume so. The only one I met wasn't all that interested in holding an intellectual discourse on how to make her less murdery."

"Fair enough. So, I've been getting the impression that this is a United States and similar in most ways to the one I know - national bird is the bald eagle? Fifty states, little wiggly ones East and big square ones West? Capital is Washington D.C.?"