"I do get what you mean. I did a lot of pushing through things because it was just so infuriating that they weren't already gone, and I hurt myself and everyone who I let notice but it worked, so maybe it was worth it."

"I don't so much have things to push through - okay, a couple, but they don't come up - as - things to reassemble."

"I'm actually not sure I know what you mean."

"I'm not working on an earthquake phobia, I'm working on having forced myself not to do cognition, and now the apparatus I do cognition with is rusty and - and timid."

"Rusty I'd noticed. What does timid feel like?"

"I didn't just stop thinking by brute force, it was sort of an agglomeration of things and a lot of it was installing kind of a flinch reaction and it's stronger the more complicated the thinking I'm tempted to do is..."

Hugs.

We'll get there.

Kib sighs and smushes his face against Maitimo's shoulder. Love you.

They play Governor whenever they can spare the time. Kib improves. He points out where he's improving. He points out mistakes. He feels like all of this would be much easier if he could muster some smouldering but.

Eventually Kib wins a game.

You didn't let me win, did you?

I promise you I wouldn't do that.

Didn't discard an opportunity for an insufficiently dramatic triumph in turn thirty?

Nope. If I'd seen a way to beat you I'd have taken it. 

Don't be that smug. It's one game. I'll win tomorrow.

Maybe.

Awwww. 

He sits there stiffly in place of simmering, but - very impressive.

Kib laughs and starts flipping through the notes for the game, putting them in order.

He watches him fixedly, still not moving, radiating fondness for Kib.

You all right?

I'm unusually conscious of the difference between 'pretty much good enough' and 'everything okay'. Am I ruining your moment of triumph? Sorry.

It's all right, I wasn't planning to coast on it all day.

I want to want you right now and I don't know if that's ever coming back. It's not a matter of phobias. I handled those.

What is it a matter of?

I have no idea! It's very frustrating! I could fake it but that seems like a bad idea but maybe that's how I refamiliarize myself -

Familiarity seems like maybe not the thing? I for one distinctly recall having wants about completely unfamiliar stuff.

I want you. There's just no - impetus. I can correctly answer the question 'do I wish Kib were in bed with me' I just don't - Well, empirically I sit here moping.