A True And Complete Account Of Valia Wain's Trial

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the People: We have assembled to Bet on whether a priest will be Torn Apart by Lions

the More Intelligent People: We have assembled to Take Their Money with respect to the Lions Question

the Queen: I am trying to Teach You All how a Lawful System works. if you are here for Sordid Entertainment you should Depart

(the People continue betting on the lions)

the Prosecution: Valia Wain wanted her speech Distributed as a pamphlet, so we can Accuse her under the Pamphlet decrees. And she wanted the Evil nobles murdered, so we can Accuse her of Incitement. She is a Murderess and hundreds are Dead

the Defense: Valia Wain was a noble Delegate doing her job, and the true ill is that her words were Manipulated by Evildoers who said she wanted Riots.

Valia Wain: the Truth of the Matter is that I was an Idiot

Judge: No one Asked You to Speak

the Prosecution: We have found a great many Angry Nobles who dislike Valia Wain because she Told Everyone To Murder Them

the Defense: She did not do this! It was a Different Man who moved the mobs!

Valia Wain: the Important thing here is that I was Wrong and they were Not Actually Evil Nobles

Judge: You will Cease Your Commentary

the Prosecution: Actually we invite Valia Wain to Comment As Much As She Pleases, and Explain To The Court Her Philosophy

(the Defense weeps)

Valia Wain: I am Worried that I had best Not explain my philosophy lest there be more Murders about it.

the Prosecution: Your philosophy is that people should rise up and kill the Evil nobles, yes?

Valia Wain: My Philosophy was Blind Optimism that if you Tell People To Fight Evil, they will do an Extremely Good Job of deciding when to Murder, and will Murder only in extreme circumstances, like if Cheliax is Ruled By Asmodeus

Valia Wain: but Instead I have Learned that if you tell people to Fight Evil they will do a great Many Murders Immediately that are a Terrible Idea

Crowd, chanting: Calamity! We did not foresee this!

Valia Wain: I have a New Philosophy now which is that I Should Shut Up

Defense: After Valia Wain gave her speech, many people told her that it was a very foolish thing to do.

Prosecution: This is Not Relevant.

Defense: Valia Wain Regretted her Foolish Speech and did not go on to Repeat it, or make Pamphlets of it.

Prosecution: This too Is Not Relevant. Many Murderers Regret It.

Magistrate: Hang on a minute, this may in fact be Relevant. Were any Murders Actually Committed by People who Heard Valia Wain's Speech?

Prosecution: No! Only the Delegates Heard the Speech. But what of it? Many others Read the Speech

Defense: Read The Evil Paraphrase of the Speech by Vidal-Espinosa!

Magistrate: I think I Cannot Convict A Woman of Incitement if No One She Supposedly Incited Did Any Murders. The Pamphlets Do Not Count; she did not Write them, nor Spread Them. The Speech would Count, but Did Any Hearer Do Any Crime as a Result?

Prosecution: Look, It Really Feels LIke She Should be Guilty of Something

Magistrate: It Really Does! But Not Incitement To Murder, I think

Valia Wain: I could confess to some more -

Defense, and Magistrate, Simultaneously: SILENCE

Magistrate: I think She Is Guilty Of, Not Incitement To Murder, but Conspiracy To Commit Incitement To Murder

Prosecution: I'll Take it

Magistrate: ,...Which Is Not A Crime. They Forgot to Add It When They Got Rid of All The Evil Laws

Prosecution: Are We, Then, To Be Humiliated Before All Of Westcrown Because Someone Forgot To Ban Conspiracy To Commit Incitement To Murder?

Magistrate: I am Bound To Rule Only According To the Law, with No Concern for whether I am Humiliated Before All of Westcrown. She is Free

Valia Wain: Please Do Not Follow My Very Stupid Example

Defense: Please Stop Talking Valia

Valia Wain: My Speech Was Evil And Slanderous

Defense: - See Now You Have Confessed To Another Crime -

Magistrate: No, They Also Forgot To Ban Slander.