I copied people who seemed to be feeling the right things. I listened to things other mothers said about their children and said those. People needed things for me, so I tried to just be those.

Did anything you tried make you feel better, even a little bit or only briefly?

It felt satisfying that I was convincing everyone, for a while.

How pervasive is this - has it affected your taste in food or music or things like that?

I suppose so? They're still okay. I don't seek them out, I couldn't tell you favorites.

Did you use to have favorites? Or ones you disliked?

I used to be really enthusiastic about having enough food to eat. Then we came to Valinor and everything was wondrous.

Fair enough. Did your mood vary much over the course of a single day, or between going to sleep and waking up again?

Don't think so. I looked forward to sleeping.

I heard you're getting Vala-influenced dreams; are those pleasant?

Yes. That's - tolerable. I don't think I can do it forever but it makes the time go faster, and I want to try to stick it out for Fëanáro until I think he'd be better off if I died.

They're pleasant, or they're tolerable? The distinction might matter.

I'm not sure. They feel like something, but that's not always good. I have preferences about them. That's something.

If you actively liked them I might be able to go find the part of you that likes them and spread it out to more things, but if you don't I can't use that...

I'm not sure. Maybe? I feel less helpless in them. Next time I dream I'll try to remember that for you.

That would be helpful. As long as you remember anything about it solidly I should be able to clarify it even if it's a dream memory, those don't hold up very well.

All right. You said you taught Fëanáro the writing? How is he?

He was really excited about writing. I taught him the alphabet and the numerals but didn't get much farther than that before coming here.

I should be so proud of him. He's such a good kid.

He's really cute. ...You said you love him. You can do that? Or it's just what you say?

I don't feel that either. But once you've been involved with someone for a long time - and Finwë and I have known each other for centuries - love isn't always a feeling. Sometimes it's just knowing how much someone matters. So I've been trying to have that. For my son. Since I can't be any semblance of the mother he deserves - even orcs love their children -

I know this sort of problem is really rare here, but - people do recover from having all kinds or no kind of mother. The only person here who I'm worried about on a really long-term basis is you.

I'm only even trying for them, I don't want to be alive.

That's a perfectly good reason to try, I don't mean otherwise, Bella says. But my priority is getting you back to being Miriel before it's getting you back to being Queen or Mom or anything, does that make sense? I won't think I've done my job if I just get you awake enough to pretend again, I want you to want to be alive.

Yes. I don't think I could pretend anymore. I did it for as long as it was possible at all.