RANDY: Hey, man, whadya think happens after we die?
DOUG: Dude. Duuuude. [INHALES DEEPLY] What if, like... WE are what happens after we die. No, like. Like. Dude. Dude, where's my Doritos. OK. [EATS DORITO] Like. You die, and there's just, like, this guy in a suit. And, like, he's not YOU, but, like, he's the universe LOOKING at you, right? Just this old white guy with a suit and, like, a dumb tie. And, like, the man -- like, dude, I mean THE MAN, you get that, right -- the MAN does this math shit, like, Big Brother, yeah? Like. [UNINTELLIGIBLE, EATING DORITO.] And if you did bad shit you go to, like. Like. Like, man, a BAD PLACE. And if you did good shit ... if you did good shit ... no, dude, lemme finish, this is gonna be deep, OK ... if you did good shit, you go to, uh, uh, uh. Like, a GOOD PLACE. But, like, if you did even a LITTLE bit of bad shit, you go to the bad place, OK? Like. Fuck, man. [WAVES DORITO FOR EMPHASIS] Like. If you buy pizza, but, like, for your homies and shit, right, and your homies give you the money and shit, you know, but, like. Dude. Like, here's the thing, you keep the tip. Ha. The tip. Like Ted. Fuck Ted. Like, if you do that shit even once, then WHAM. Straight to the bad place. So, like, there's a good place and a bad place and paperwork and shit. Who the fuck knows. But, like, it's not god or some fucker doing shit TO you, it's shit you do to YOURSELF, man. Like. Whoa. It all makes SENSE, OK? Like, you get here and you look at it and it just makes SENSE. This is some good shit, dude. Bro. Bro, you're the BEST. But, like, OK, it makes SENSE, like. Like, if you text in a movie, then, like, they take your phone away. And then they rip your [EXPLETIVE DELETED] hands off. Like, DUDE. Just, OFF. But, like, it comes from INSIDE you. Like. Who you are ... is about WHO YOU ARE, man. And, like, there's angels and shit, and demons and shit, and, like, shit. Like, I mean, SHIT. Like, some crazy robot lady shit. It's wild. Not a robot. But, like, you know, OK? You know what I mean. Don't give me that shit. ... OK, so there's a medium place, but, like. It's fucking boring. Like. SO boring. Dude. Lame. It's so ... They can, like, men in black. Like. Wham. Dude. Badass. ... You got your homies and shit, and, like. You got the dude where it's like, it's like, you got a CONNECTION. Like. Damn, dude. Like, you meet this dude and you're like, whoa, dude, we got a CONNECTION. You know? Just like that. Whoa, dude, CONNECTION. It's like being alive, but, like, not. But you can learn shit. And, uh, teach shit. Yeah. You can't get married, though, none of that shit. There's all this shit, like, paperclips. Just, paperclips. And, like. Burritos. Shit, dude, now I want a burrito. Damn. Dude, I'm so high right now, you don't even know.