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this is what I'm doing instead of tagging my threads, apparently
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"Wow. His Grace The Duke of Not The Main Duke has an amazing penis."

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"He really does."

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"I want to masturbate while thinking about his penis."

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A passing sound engineer gives her a weird look.

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"I promise that this all makes sense in context," she explains to the passing sound engineer in a tone that does not permit contradiction. To herself, she says, "if I go in a corner and masturbate now, then someone will find me and have sex with me, and I won't get to have sex with His Grace The Duke Of Not The Main Duke."

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"I'm really annoyed that the creepy host wants to clitblock me by having sex with me!"

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She arrives at a set of doors labeled Mysteriously Progressive Regency Dukes In Love. 

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She finds someone who looks like a personal assistant. In a commanding tone, she says, "I need to talk to one of your actors."

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Her tone, bearing, and appearance make her seem so obviously professional and in charge that the personal assistant automatically assumes she's naked for some good reason he happens not to know about. "Which one?"

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"I don't know his actual name. But he's extremely handsome, tall, and muscular. He has a very lovely smile."

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"You know how little that narrows it down?"

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"He also has a very nice penis."

 

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She HATES Speaking Your Mind.

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Honestly, this is not one of the ten weirdest actresses he's interacted with. "I don't happen to know anything about the quality of any of the actors' penises," he says, because he doesn't have Speaking Your Mind and can just lie about how often he sucks off the main duke in the bathroom. 

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"He's blond. His role is mostly taking his shirt off, but he also occasionally has sex with prostitutes."

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"Oh, yeah, that's Caiden Callahan. He's filming right now."

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"Well, he needs to not be filming right now, so he can have sex with me and babysit me to make sure I don't have sex with anyone else," she says in a tone that implies this is a completely reasonable request that he was negligent for not foreseeing. 

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He opens his mouth, closes his mouth, decides this isn't his problem, and says, "I'll escort you to the shooting area."

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At the shooting area, Caiden is shirtless and tied up. 

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"Maybe I should watch Mysteriously Progressive Regency Dukes In Love."

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The man circling him with a whip says, "I will torture you until you renounce your anti-slavery activism."

"I will never renounce my belief that black people not only deserve equal rights but are equal to white people in all their desires and capabilities!" Caiden says. 

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"Oh, hi Leah."

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"I need Mr. Callahan for a sex emergency," Leah explains. 

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He looks pleadingly at the director. "Can I--"

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"Fine," says the director, "dinner break is half an hour early, but I want full frontal next episode." 

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