"I'm sorry, Leah, that's a bimbo box! And your next Bimbo Box option is...... Vocabulary!"

No one is going to take her seriously ever again. Unless the voters are nice. Worth it for $900,000 in expectation, though. Money buys not only Time To Have Sex but also Respect. 

"Vocabulary changes what Leah can say, write, type, sign, or otherwise communicate! We don't actually know whether Vocabulary changes your thoughts, because for various philosophical reasons it's impossible to find out! Fortunately, you're just screwing her, so you don't have to care about her inner life.

"Our first option is Simply Sweet! Simply Sweet means that Leah can only say nice things to people. She will no longer be capable of insulting them, criticizing them, or even offering an unsympathetic view of their actions. She will be unfailingly kind, complimentary, empathetic about others' problems, and willing to see everything from everyone's point of view. She will be able to disagree, but only in a respectful way that acknowledges the intelligence of the person she disagrees with and the possibility that she's wrong."

Oh, it's the good parts of Eager to Please without the part where she's a doormat! Mind-control solutions to longstanding interpersonal problems, here she comes. 

"Our second option is Positive Outlook! With Positive Outlook, Leah will only be able to say cheerful and optimistic things about her situation. She'll always look on the bright side of life, find the silver lining in any cloud, and any number of other cliches. No matter what you do to her, she'll be chirpy and happy about her situation! It is literally impossible to make her sad-- at least in a way you'd notice!"

So if it changes your thoughts, she can wirehead, and Leah has always suspected that the morally correct action is tiling the world with rat brains on heroin. If it doesn't change your thoughts, then it is the most torturous experience she can imagine. Pass. 

"Our third option is Proper English. Proper English requires that Leah use grammatically correct English at all times: complete sentences, correctly placed modifiers, subject-verb agreement, and no split infinitives--"

"That is prescriptivist bullshit! English isn't Latin! We have the freedom to boldly split the infinitive!"

"Feisty for this late in the game, aren't we? Anyway, in addition to requiring correct grammar, Proper English enforces strict adherence to the latest books of etiquette. Leah will always say 'please' and 'thank you', refer to people by the proper title, and excuse herself before leaving the room. Yes, even during sex."

In spite of being PRESCRIPTIVIST BULLSHIT, Proper English seems very livable. She will just be weirdly coherent during sex, that's fine. 

"And our fourth option is Speaking Your Mind. With Speaking Your Mind, Leah will have to say every thought that crosses her mind-- regardless of how socially appropriate it is or how embarrassed she is by it. She'll just have no brain-to-mouth filter! You will find out every feeling, thought, and preference of your favorite bimbo, especially if it's 'more, more, more!' She is allowed to edit things that she writes, but she may find her fingers pressing the 'Enter' button without her conscious approval!"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"So what do you think, Leah?"

"I think it'd be cute if I were sweet and agreeable, don't you, voters?"

"You can say that again! Maybe we'll be able to go an entire round without you insulting me."

Soon enough--

"This was a closely fought battle, ladies, gentlemen, and miscellaneous. For a while it looked like we would even get a threeway tie!"

"I like threeways," Chrissi adds.

"We know. --But, finally, two of them pulled out ahead. Give it up for Proper English and Speaking Your Mind!" 

As the black fog fills her mind, Leah manages to spit out, "I regret that I have but one infinitive to nobly split for my country!"

When the black fog recedes--

"I think I can probably win the argument with myself about what counts as proper English, just as I won the argument with myself about whether to have sex with the disgusting creepy host. However, I'm not sure that this is my highest priority right now, because I already mostly use the high-status English that we have socially constructed as 'grammatical.'"

"Oh, fiddlesticks."

"WHY CAN'T I SAY 'FIDDLESTICKS'? WHY DOESN'T THIS MIND CONTROL RESPECT THE USE/MENTION DISTINCTION? I HATE THE VOTERS SO MUCH."

(A Force of Nature makes this yelling very impressive.)

Much of the studio audience is cracking up. 

"I'd say 'I'm glad someone here is having a good time', but in reality I'm not glad about this at all. I hate you all." To the host: "I mean it that you're a disgusting creep. This entire show is nasty and exploitative. I am being judgmental of the show in order to protect my ego because I don't want to admit that without people like me this show wouldn't exist. I'm engaged in a self-destructive spiral because of the complete failure of both my professional and personal life, which is making me risk the single trait I value most about myself in a desperate attempt to become a completely different person who might be loved. I don't understand why this modification gives you self-awareness but I don't like it." 

"It doesn't normally?" the host offers. "Normally at this point it's more like 'I'm really horny and I want to suck someone's cock.'"

"I am really horny and I want to give someone a blowjob, but I just had sex with one of the actors from Mysteriously Progressive Regency Dukes In Love and that has left me with high standards. Right now I want to have sex with red shirt in row three, black shirt in row five, most of row twelve"-- oh, shit, is Proper English going to make her list off everyone--"etc." She adds desperately. It lets her get away with it. Phew. "I also want to have sex with Chrissi, obviously, but I'm not sure I can preserve my self-respect if I do."

Chrissi understands one sentence of this but it's the important sentence! She heads towards Leah, intent on eating her pussy.

The host waylays her. "Not now, Chrissi. --You are really impressively together for someone who got Free Use. Normally people who have Free Use can't turn down sex. I mean, it's in the name."